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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my SIL to keep her ds at table while my dd is still eating ?

146 replies

PoppyPie · 11/02/2007 21:38

Otherwise she naturally wants to get down too and she hasn't eaten anything.My SIL just didn't bother while her DS of 4 went off with DD's games and it messed up the entire dinner.

OP posts:
Hillary · 11/02/2007 21:56

My 2 year old sits at the table until everyone has finished, she knows not to get down and will ask politely.

Surely its just manners

fireflyfairy2 · 11/02/2007 21:56

What is the age difference between said child & your dd?

fireflyfairy2 · 11/02/2007 21:58

2 & 4? Oh yes. My son is 2 & my dd is 5... she often plays away with his toys.. he will stand & watch or play alongside her for a while..then join in

Do they see much of each other? If your dd is just 2 then maybe her communication is limited, making it more difficult for them to interact?

tbh it sounds like you want the boy reprimanded for something.....

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 11/02/2007 21:59

I don't think it's unreasonable for children to sit at the table until others have finished, as long as everyone isn't going to have a long chat. But I don't really think the staying at the table is the issue here is it? you expected your SIL to keep her child at the table, not to teach him appropriate manners, but because your dd hadn't finished. In that instance, you are being unreasonable. It is not down to others to comply with your dd's eating habbits, and ultimately, if your sil generally lets her ds down when he's finished eating, that's her business and has nothing to do with you.

smoggie · 11/02/2007 22:01

Errm, absolutely normal imo that a 4 yo boy would ransack a box of toys and not give a second thought to involve a 2yo girl! THey are soembody else's toys, which as we all know are far more intersting than your own. I would imagine that the novelty of girls toys would be enough to totally absorb any 4yo boy for a period of time and make him totally oblivious to anyone else
Is the implication that he is selfish and unreasonable?? In that case, I think all 4yo's are the majority of the time I'm afraid.

shimmy21 · 11/02/2007 22:01

Yes again I am afraid that it sounds completely normal to me. 4 year old boys have not usually developed a sense of social etiquette. What on earth do you expect this child to do - make polite small talk with your dd about her dollies? Sorry but 4 year old boys talk to each other if they see a need to communicate (e.g. I got that first) or if they interest each other (e.g. Let's see who can build a bigger tower or burp louder) not out of social grace.

Original poster
PoppyPie · 11/02/2007 22:02

Thank you Hillary!my dd is like tht too.
Firefly, my dd is 2 and nephew is 4. My dd doesn't slowly, she likes her food and usually finished all with no problems and without forcing.Nephew ate v. little and had to be forced at table to start with.

OP posts:
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 11/02/2007 22:02

why would a 4 year old want to involve a 2 year old in his games? developmentally they're on totally different levels. different if it's siblings who are together all the time, but cousins ... nope, wouldn't expect interaction, they probably don't even communicate on the same level.

bandstand · 11/02/2007 22:03

on reflection, a 4 year old sitting waiting at the tble, to keep the peace tis probably easier to let him get down, specially since it's a one off and they dont eat together every day.

Skribble · 11/02/2007 22:03

No, at that age it is to do with attention spans not manners, manners are saying please, thankyou, not putting spaggetti up you nose, not grabbing other peoples food etc.

You can keep their attention for a while if you talk to them a lot while eating, but our meals are a relaxed family time, children eat and interact then once finished they can leave the table, tidying their dishes as they go and then play while we continue on for a while chatting and catching up sometimes the kids sit for ages to chatting but it depends what we are talking about.

pinkbubble · 11/02/2007 22:04

I have to say if it was me i make DC sit at table until all children have finished unless they are being naughty and not eating! I think that childrens table manners are being dropped because alot of families DP works late and so families are not eating together as much as we should. We try as a family to eat together at least 3X a week to try and get over this problem and to be honest its really working- Does your SIL eat with her DC?

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 11/02/2007 22:05

IMO this goes deeper than just tablemanners/taking of toys. You sound very resentful/bitter towards this child, almost like you have an axe to grind. why is this?

Original poster
PoppyPie · 11/02/2007 22:08

Yes, she usually does eat with him.
Maybe I am just prejudiced as SIL and I have totally different ways of seeing things.Her ds rules the roost in their household and there are no rules basically wherease our household is a bit more structured.

OP posts:
nzshar · 11/02/2007 22:08

Yes unreasonable. My 2 and a half year old does sit at the table until everyone has finished eating. If we choose to stay and chat then he can ask to get down. But by no means would i expect anyone elses child to do the same. We all parent differently and just because you hold one set of rules does not mean they are to be followed by all.

alipiggie · 11/02/2007 22:09

I don't see the harm in him sitting at the table for once - he might not do it at home, but then he's at your house isn't he. Children's attention does wander off food, if others leave the table. I ask mine to stay sitting until their sibling has finished, then they can get down and get dessert or go and play. More often or not they love to chat about their day with Daddy and have fun - I love family dinners. And for the record mine are 5 and 3 1/2. Don't see what's wrong with respecting other people's house rules.

nzshar · 11/02/2007 22:10

After reading your last post i suggest a little more tolerance towards styles of parenting that may not be the same as yours

morocco · 11/02/2007 22:11

do you perhaps have a few issues with your sil?
I'm afraid I'd vote yes to unreasonable on both counts, sorry
I make my two stay at the table til the other has mae a reasonable stab at eating ut they eat together every day. if we were with other kids, I'd rather let them get down from the table, especially if they were making a fuss, than have them really start to kick off at the table.
give your dd a few more years

smoggie · 11/02/2007 22:11

My thoughts exactly WBWIWB. In your OP PoppyPie you said that ds went off with dds games and "messed up the entire dinner"...who for? Was it really such a big deal that he left the table. If the worst that he did was make your dd eat less than normal, is it really that bad?
I'm sorry it does sound like there's more to this than annoyance at table manners tbh.

Skribble · 11/02/2007 22:12

Why oh why do people think table manners involve children sitting patiently while mummy and daddy yabber on?

We have time where we all share and the kids talk about what they have been up too, DS tells us his latest alien theory and DD tells us about her lastest dance lesson, then once finsihed they can go and do their own thing. The do ask to leave the table.

They are 7 and 10 and very polite and well behaved, I could take them to any fancy restaurant and have no fears about their behaviour.

Perhaps it is the Italian in me but I don't expect everyone to sit for ages, even at MIL's DH and FIL go and watch TV and MIL and me sit and finsih the wine, kids are long gone from the table, its a relaxed time to enjoy not to sit going "Oh yes father I remember him well, wasn't he that chap from the Farquars party" .

Relaxed doesn't have to mean bad manners and the erosion of family values and the collapse of society as we know it. It means children enjoy mealtimes and not having a complex about food.

fireflyfairy2 · 11/02/2007 22:12

Do you like SIL?

Do you like the child?

I am just asking as you say "SIL's son" not "My nephew"

Hulababy · 11/02/2007 22:14

DD is 4yo and I would expect her to sit at the table until her friend had finished also. I certainly wouldn't allow to get down and play in view of the other child as I know this would be likely to cause problems.

DD is very used to eating out in restaurants where getting down isn't an option anyway.

To keep her and the child entertained whilst eating, I'd encourage them to chat and talk to each other and to the adults. When in restaurants we have a small pack of toys such as colouring books and reading books.

booge · 11/02/2007 22:15

No not at all. DS 19 months sits at the table until we are all finished, surely a 4 year old can manage it. It is just good manners.

Hulababy · 11/02/2007 22:15

I wouldn't however expect the children to sit at the table until all the adults had finished - unless at a restaurant obviously. I'd excuse them both and send them off to play somewhere away from the table.

Hillary · 11/02/2007 22:16

Maybe its just me but I don't like to see a child running around whilst everyonelse is still eating, like in restaurants don't get me wrong I'm not a mother with a rod but I do expect table manners & overall manners, please/thank you/excuse me etc.

My dd was sitting at the table in a restaurant at 20 months using a knife and fork. She eats every meal at the table, I wouldn't dream of letting her down. I don't expect her to sit there for hours but as soon as everyones finished we go into the lounge, then she can play.

I think the issue here was that the boy didn't eat his dinner not that her dd was a slow eater. I agree this is down to the SIL's parenting but if I were in someonelses house I'd obide by their rules.

cat64 · 11/02/2007 22:16

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