To tell my daughter she has a terrible singing voice

[fudgefeet]

My daughter (9) came out of school yesterday telling me that they had been learning a new song at school and she realised she is "amazing" at singing it. She then gave me a 3 minute car ride home of what I can only call deep guttural warbling that was supposed to be Mama Mia. She has never had much of an ear for music and struggled to sing nursery rhymes in tune but now she has added what she calls her own style to the mix it really is quite shocking. I did my best to keep a straight face the whole way through as she sung her little heart out.
She is a very loud child and often likes to tell people how brilliant she is at things even when she's not so I don't want to tell her it was great as she will no doubt start sharing her new talent with everyone and probably even ask to sing in assembly. Should I just let her carry on in blissful ignorance or find a way to tell her its awful.

Well, obviously don't tell her she's terrible!

But...

Last year DS wanted to sing an Adele song for Primary has Talent at his school, he was 10.

His singing was really bad.

Luckily he opted out and did something else instead, lucky break for me as I did not know what to do.

With hindsight, it would have been cruel to let him perform. But it would also have been cruel to tell him he is rubbish.

I think you need to say something though, but very carefully. Or be noncommittal and vague and just go "hmmm, yes, sorry, what darling?"

My mum told me at the age of 10/11 that I couldn't sing and just sounded flat. Really knocked my confidence as I did like to sing. I desperately wanted to take part in the school choir but mums words rang in my ears so didn't bother going to the auditions. Choir was picked I was gutted. A friend saw how upset I was so talked me into speaking to the music teacher to see if he would give me another chance. He gave me an audition, I got in.

My mum is in her 60s now and I have never heard her sing, not even along to the radio

I'm not bad at holding a tune but I wouldnt say I was good either though. Dd (13) isn't a brilliant singer either but has improved immensely since being younger. I have ribbed her gently about the cat being strangled or maybe she needs a bit more practice but I would never criticise her outright as she loves it so much. In fact we both love a good sing in the car even if we do sound crap😀😀

I'm pretty sure your dd will improve once she finds "her" voice!

I think it's a mistake to tell kids they are good at things in general, whether they are or not. It's not a very helpful way to praise, as it just puts pressure on them and emphasises the importance of being "good" rather than enjoying things and getting something out of them. There are lots of ways to praise and encourage without telling children that they are "good" or "talented".

Why not just talk to her about what she is singing, how it makes her feel, whether she would like to get lessons in a few years (not now), whether she wants to join a choir... Why does being "good" even have to come into it?

claraschu

I know what you mean.

Some good advice I once read on here, was to tell your kids:

"I love to watch you play rugby/sing/act"

instead of: "You are very good at rugby/singing/acting"

I use it with my very ambitious son, he puts enough pressure on himself without needing any parental pressure.

Apparently, overly involved parents is a reason most teens quit hobbies/sports

I tell my dc they are good at whatever it is they are good at.
I also tell them what they are crap at, but in a nice way.
I used to tell them where they could improve in school subjects, but praised their efforts.
You need to tell them where their strengths lie so they can utilise them.

My dd is very talented, she knows this as everyone tells her, she doesn't feel under pressure, in fact it's the opposite. She knows how good she is so doesn't have to stress about being better or good enough.

"Interesting technique. How did you develop it? Though I can see that it wouldn't necessarily work for every song...."

I think you need to help her, or get her some help. It sounds as if she is trying to do a sort of X-factor warble without realising that you need to sing the actual notes first. Lots of children do this because they are not taught to sing at school (in the sense of carry a tune) - they warble along to over-loud backing tracks and the children have no responsibility for the tune at all, no one really teaching it to them, and no one playing the piano so that they can hear the "clean" tune in the beginning.

I honestly believe that more people than ever before do not know whether they are actually singing in tune or just making a warbly noise. If she thinks she can sing, you need to gently help her to hear what she is doing, and that it is not singing.

Obviously the angle here is not "you can't sing" but "here is some singing coaching"

I used to have a pretty deep voice. My singing sounded terrible until I got a few lessons...
My mother (and others) telling me that my voice sounds shitty really destroyed my self-confidence. Especially because I've always loved singing...

The weirdest thing is. Nowadays many of these people (family members) tell me my voice is lovel

Maybe that's something you could look into?

(I'm to lay to read the whole thread )

Lovely
Lazy

My 9yo isn't a great singer (she has a tenancy to should like a sheep) but she's fine in her choir singing with the ensemble. The minute she wants to do a solo or enter the X factor is when I'll need to have 'the chat'. Until then she's not harming anyone (well maybe my eardrums lol).

I would try to help her with humility though as a life skill. I wouldn't want to encourage her telling everyone how wonderful she is regardless of how talented she might be.

You don't need to tell her that she's shit.
"Oh I like that song, it seems quite difficult to sing."
"It's great you're putting so much effort into your singing."
"I like that you enjoy singing so much."
Kids go through phases of what they aspire to. She'll prob move onto something else is she doesn't have lots of gushing attention of how much people like her singing.

I think the thing you really need to knock on the head is her idea that she doesn't need to do any practice because she's already perfect - that is the one you can scotch without any damage to her self-esteem. Perhaps mention that professional singers only get there after years and years of lessons and hard work, and that in any case nobody is ever perfect, there's always room for improvement. Or maybe tell her about Pablo Casals (world-famous concert cellist) who was asked when he was aged about 90 (so after more than 85 years of playing) why he still practised for three hours a day - he replied 'because I think I am making progress'!

I wouldn't tell her, I wouldn't say "wow that's amazing singing!" but I definitely wouldn't say anything negative about it. When parents say things like that, it can stick as a memory and you feel ashamed and embarrassed about it for decades. I know that sounds over the top but it's true.

It's just like when kids say "watch mummy, I learnt a really cool trick!" followed by what appears to be random flailing around in the swimming pool or doing some kind of pointless non-jump on their bike... Kids have such huge imaginations, in their head they're like a graceful Olympic gymnast, a record-breaking daredevil, or in your daughter's case, a talented, beautiful singer! It would be sad to burst that bubble when in only a couple of years they'll start to lose that wonderful imaginative sense.

I fondly remember singing along to the radio and feeling like I was extremely talented when I (rarely) managed to sing in harmony with the singer. Think of that amazing feeling you get when you belt out a song in the car or shower and you know no-one else is there. Even if you know you're an crap singer it still feels great to pretend you're a rock star when no-ones listening. I think that must be the same kind of feeling kids get when they're showing off these "talents"

She's probably best hearing criticism from her peer group, to be honest !

Also my DH was told he can't sing by a music teacher when he was about that age. He has such a massive hang up about it ever since then he won't sing EVER. He won't sing along to the radio in the car if I'm there, he won't even sing DS a nursery rhyme, he won't sing you a snippet of a song that he can't remember the name of, he won't join in with singing happy birthday or Christmas carols, etc.

I find this all really sad - I've never heard him sing properly but based on a few bits of humming etc I'm pretty sure he'd be perfectly fine.

I wouldn't.

You don't need to tell her she's terrible.
But if she genuinely thinks she's brilliant and is likely to tell people I would deal with that.
I tell mine that it is much better to say "I'm okay at X" and then if you're good people say "actually you're really good" because they're expecting worse.
Than say "I'm brilliant at X" and then people say "you're rubbish" when you're good because they're expecting more.

I think it's a difficult one .But if it helps one of my 6 sons who was the worst singer of them all is now an international D.J.- he has just completed a season in Ibiza .So she may be musical in a different way. I think the idea of recording her and playing it back is a good one .

I agree with the singing lessons route is a bit more sensitive.. I definitely wouldn't say god shut up that's awful, as much as I'd love to.. but definitely don't tell her how brilliant she is if she's not!!! PLEASE! she'll end up one of those on xfactor that are crap and you just wish their mother had stopped them

If you have nothing nice to say, don't bother speaking. You can always say 'I can see you put your heart into that verse' or 'I liked the bit were you went xxx' or 'great effort! You're giving it your best'

I think a PP's advice to get her to record herself and listen to it is good. For many people who sing badly, it's not that there is a problem with their vocal cords, it's that they don't listen or can't hear the tune or the instruments. I sing in choirs and the 'natural voice' style choir leader says to learn to sing we have to learn to listen.

Nothing worse than parents that cruelly don't be honest with their kids and see them set up for a fall later (x factor!) - at age 9 more encouragement than criticism is in order but better that than say "you're amazingggg and should be on stage" lol

Can you sing? Can you give her some guidance? As in "Thats a very interesting style, DD... have you tried doing this?" Or tell her it's "unique" and she has potential but you really think she needs to practice. Do you sing together? Perhaps you could learn together?

Singing is one of my best outlets and brings me great joy and relief of tension/anger/sadness. It would be really sad to knock her confidence and rob her of that, be it by telling her yourself or letting her carry on and someone less tactful do it. If she loves it, develop it.

Or, you know... shes 9. She might have a new hobby next week.

Don't you dare tell her that! As a community choirs leader I meet so many adults who have missed out on the joy of singing for decades because someone had told them they could not sing when they were little. Singing is for enjoying, regardless of the quality - it is a birthright - do not steal it away.