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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my daughter she has a terrible singing voice

151 replies

fudgefeet · 03/11/2016 12:57

My daughter (9) came out of school yesterday telling me that they had been learning a new song at school and she realised she is "amazing" at singing it. She then gave me a 3 minute car ride home of what I can only call deep guttural warbling that was supposed to be Mama Mia. She has never had much of an ear for music and struggled to sing nursery rhymes in tune but now she has added what she calls her own style to the mix it really is quite shocking. I did my best to keep a straight face the whole way through as she sung her little heart out.
She is a very loud child and often likes to tell people how brilliant she is at things even when she's not so I don't want to tell her it was great as she will no doubt start sharing her new talent with everyone and probably even ask to sing in assembly. Should I just let her carry on in blissful ignorance or find a way to tell her its awful.

OP posts:

TeaPleaseLouise · 03/11/2016 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinIsIn · 03/11/2016 13:42

I have always loved singing, and was told by a family member when I was a bit younger than your daughter that I was terrible. I wouldn't open my mouth for several years after that. When I gradually started to get my confidence back and start singing again, it turned out actually I was quite good - I went on to win a choral scholarship so can't have been that terrible! When I mentioned it to the aforementioned relative a few years ago, they said "well no, it wasn't true but we didn't want you getting too big for your boots"

What I am trying to say is that perhaps it's better if it comes from you in a nice way before someone else tells her that she's really terrible and knocks her confidence!

Kione · 03/11/2016 13:43

"Stupid" "a little love and affection"??? I am quite shocked.
Parents need to be honest with their kids, and adapt the facts and conversations appropriately not to hurt feelings, undermine them.
My DD is 7 and she is not a great singer. She goes to Musical Theater because she wanted to be on a stage, I used to appear in shows when little and loved it so I thought we could put her name down for the experience. The friend that goes with her has a lovely little voice and sings solos.
Exactly like OP she came n the car one day saying she had "an incredible voice and sang beautifully" and she wanted to be singer. I think before the Theater academy start not giving solos to my daughter and having to tell her she is just not as good as her friend, I should do it with all the love and care. I said she has a beautiful voice now but she might not when she grows up, I said me and her dad don't sing all that well, so she might not inherited that but then went on to say the things she is good at. I said from millions of people on the planet only a few can make a proper living as singers so is not all that easy. But it is perfectly fine to do shows with the academy for fun. She was happy with that!
I think it is extremely important for parents to be honest with their kids, it shows them they can trust you to give an honest opinion when they grow up.

Kione · 03/11/2016 13:45

Cross post with FenellaMaxwell, that is exactly what I mean.

rainyinnovember · 03/11/2016 13:45

Tell her.

People who think they can sing and can't are setting themselves up.

BowieFan · 03/11/2016 13:47

Christ, are we not allowed to tell kids they're not good at something now? I'd just say "I'm glad you're enjoying it but you're not the best singer in the world"

Simple! My DS1 is very musical but a pretty mediocre singer. He knows this because we never lied and told him he was the best. We told him he wasn't as good as other singers but he was better than a lot of people at something else. He still enjoys singing in his band, but he knows he's not David Bowie.

BowieFan · 03/11/2016 13:50

I would much rather tell my kid myself than let them believe they're amazing and they end up embarrassing themselves on a talent show or something.

Like I said - it's OK for kids to know they're not the best at something. Just tell them they are not the best at singing but they enjoy it and that's all that matters.

NKFell · 03/11/2016 13:51

I think it really depends on your daughter OP.

My 7yr old DS has a terrible singing voice- he has a gravelly voice and not in a good way! When he sings I say "oh that's awful, be quiet!" or "it's hurting my ears!" and he finds it hilarious and sings louder. He now jokes how "Mum loves my singing" smirking away happily. He knows he's good at other things.

If it would hurt her feelings, then be more gentle about how practising might help her improve. If she starts believing she sounds lovely and a stranger points out it isn't, it might be more hurtful.

motherinferior · 03/11/2016 13:53

I feel your pain. My DD1 in particular is a dreadful singer, though to be fair not as bad as her father. I change the subject a lot.

(I am a good singer with quite a lot of musical training. DD1, though one of the loveliest people I know, has ears of cloth. Beautiful cloth, but still cloth. At 15 this isn't likely to change either.)

Some people really just are awful singers. No doubt intensive training can make them slightly less awful but it's not going to make them actual good singers you'd willingly remove earplugs for.

AmeliaJack · 03/11/2016 13:54

I have one child who sings very nicely. The other child sings with "gusto and enthusiasm".

They are both aware of what we think of their respective talents in this area. Feedback is given, if requested, with love and humour.

Singing is a lovely thing to do whether you are any good at it or not.

My concern would be more that she regularly tells people that she's brilliant at things - this is unlikely to win her any friends with either children or adults. A little modesty goes a long way. If she is praising herself for talents she doesn't have she'll lose the respect of her peers.

I'd also be concerned at the lack of self awareness. My DC are 9 yo. They are both aware of their respective strengths and weaknesses and that we love them regardless.

ginnybag · 03/11/2016 13:55

OP, be careful telling her she 'can't sing', especially if she does seem to have a low range.

I do quite a lot with amateur theatre and amateur singing, and I've lost count of the number of women (and quite a few men) that come in having been told they 'can't sing', when it turns out that, yes, they can - and some of them really can - its just that they don't sing in the standard 'poppy' ranges.

It's entirely possible that she's not got a great voice, but I've come across very, very few people who really can't sing at all, and even fewer that don't enjoy giving it a go once they're told it's okay not to be Mariah or Whitney!

I'm not saying you shouldn't tell her she sounds naff if she does - you absolutely should - and that she needs to work on her voice before showing off with it - but please don't tell her she 'just can't sing' and never should again.

amusedbush · 03/11/2016 13:55

My mum did this to me around the same age and it destroyed my confidence and any enjoyment I might have had. I was in the school choir as a teenager and I took singing lessons (voice was my secondary instrument for Higher music) but I've never managed to get my mum's voice out of my head.

Newsflash - most kids can't sing! She'll probably get better. Bloody well leave her alone.

deepdarkwood · 03/11/2016 13:57

Could she watch some Gareth Malone stuff? There's a new series just starting on BBC which is about choirs, that ds and dd are adoring. I think in general Gareth does a great job of both encouraging people to sing for the sheer joy of making music together (rather than soloists being divas!) and also in general his programmes are quite good on how much work and effort as well as natural talent is required. Might encourage her whilst adding a bit of realism?

I would also agree that getting her to focus on growth rather than Stuff I Am Great At is a good idea for future friendships ;-)

Looneytune253 · 03/11/2016 13:58

You see I've always thought similar about my daughter as she's been growing up she puts so much effort into singing but ive never told her I dont think it's good. Mind it is unique and she keeps getting chosen for choirs and leads etc so it must be ok to the experts. She talks of bgt and xfactor but managed to subtly put her off for now lol.

ReallyTired · 03/11/2016 14:00

"Newsflash - most kids can't sing! She'll probably get better. Bloody well leave her alone."

100% agree. Most kids can't do advanced algebra. We don't tell them to stop doing maths.

Henrysmycat · 03/11/2016 14:02

My kid was similar. She was not bad, but after listening to a 7year old Christina Aguillera singing, she thought she was the same. Voice is a muscle so I took her for stage class lessons. Now, she can hold a tune, found her range and style and she's awesome on stage. At her central London stage school, teachers call her the star of tomorrow for her acting but her voice is developing.
Tell her that even the most accomplished singers need training, actually like athletes they need more training than mere mortals.

Fairylea · 03/11/2016 14:02

Wow she's 9. I'm shocked by some of these replies. Surely at 9 they want to be a ballerina one week and a pop star the next? You smile and nod and say that's lovely dear. Life is full of hard knocks and people being horrid, if you can't protect your kid from that aged 9 when can you?!

My dd is now teenage but when she was about 8/9 she went through a stage of singing "someone like you" at the top of her lungs in a weird South American accent. It drove me nuts to be honest. But it was a stage and it passed and as far as she knows I thought she was amazing!

RedElephants · 03/11/2016 14:03

I love singing, The ladies I work with say I have a 'good' voice, I think they're all mad, its ok but not good,

Ds15 'your always singing' with a grumpy voice, '
'thats coz im happy' Ill tell him, would you rather i was miserable!!?? and I get the'look'..lol

and I dont care, just as well I work with small children, because they dont care, and tbh it wont stop me....

user1477282676 · 03/11/2016 14:03

I bet there are so many parents of kids out there who think they can do nothing right who'd be glad to hear "I'm amazing at it" from their child.

RattieOfCatan · 03/11/2016 14:05

I agree with museumum. I think it's really important that kids know that they aren't great at everything but that they can learn about it and improve, obviously there is a way to do that though and there is a fine line between knocking a child's confidence and encouraging determination and improvement, but I think that if you were to tell her she's amazing then she would be even more crushed when she realises that she actually isn't!

motherinferior · 03/11/2016 14:08

Oh, lots of kids can sing. I used to console myself that most of them couldn't, and then every school play/concert proved me wrong. Lots of kids sing beautifully.

And some sing with "enthusiasm and gusto".

BowieFan · 03/11/2016 14:08

We managed to stop DS1's singing pretty early. We said "Oh that's nice, very Bruce Springsteen" so he's stuck to singing rock songs for now. He has a pretty mediocre voice but sounds alright in a very limited range.

I think it's wrong to tell someone they're good at something they're not - 9 is not young and she does need to learn you can't be amazing at everything. I'd tell her to focus on finding the right type of songs for her voice.

ScrubbedPine · 03/11/2016 14:09

It sounds as though you're more aghast at her weird new technique than thinking there's anything particularly wrong with her voice, though, OP...? I'd be more concerned with the lack of self-awareness and boastfulness you mention having an impact on other areas of her life, and especially what you say about her being annoyed if you told her to cut the basso profundo warbling and focus on getting each note simply in tune without theatrical vibrato or whatever....

hillbilly · 03/11/2016 14:10

I have always thought that DD (11) was tone deaf (never said that to her of course) but she joined the choir at primary school and ended up singing at the Royal Albert Hall and now she's in secondary she has again joined the choir and sang at the open evenings within a week of being there. She clearly enjoys it and is either better than I thought, or the other voices cover hers!!! Maybe I'm the one who can't hear properly :-)

M0stlyHet · 03/11/2016 14:12

Another one here who was told (aged about 9 or 10, by head teacher at school) that I couldn't sing. I didn't sing for the next 10 years or so. (Fortunately was encouraged to play musical instruments by my parents). As an adult, a friend nagged me into going to a choir and I discovered I could sing - so much so that the local Cathedral's director of music actually asked me to sing a solo recitative in a cantata my amateur choir was doing for evensong. (Scariest thing I have ever done - coming in "cold" on a top A).

The thing is, I desperately wanted to be a professional musician as a teenager. I wasn't quite good enough to make it as a violinist, but I sometimes look back and wonder what I could have done if I'd gone through my teens knowing I could sing as well as play.

I think age 9 you encourage kids, you let them try stuff, you don't ever tell them they are "no good" - it's totally different to say "you're not there yet, you need more practice."

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