To tell my daughter she has a terrible singing voice

[fudgefeet]

My daughter (9) came out of school yesterday telling me that they had been learning a new song at school and she realised she is "amazing" at singing it. She then gave me a 3 minute car ride home of what I can only call deep guttural warbling that was supposed to be Mama Mia. She has never had much of an ear for music and struggled to sing nursery rhymes in tune but now she has added what she calls her own style to the mix it really is quite shocking. I did my best to keep a straight face the whole way through as she sung her little heart out.
She is a very loud child and often likes to tell people how brilliant she is at things even when she's not so I don't want to tell her it was great as she will no doubt start sharing her new talent with everyone and probably even ask to sing in assembly. Should I just let her carry on in blissful ignorance or find a way to tell her its awful.

[Daviz999]

I hope she grows up and learn to sing well!
May be someone is interested how to learn sing better? tinyurl.com/zdtwtw2

[fudgefeet]

Blimey, journalists really do scrape the bottom of the barrel sometimes don't they?

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Please don't tell her she can't sing. It seems to be, apart from maths, the thing that has rocked more people's confidence than any thing else.

And, in fact, unless you are completely tone deaf, everyone can sing. It's a question of listening, breathing and practising. There was a thread on here last year? about learning to sing. Not every one will go on to be a great singer, but everyone can sing.

Tell her her style is highly unusual. Some will be v impressed, others less do. And she could go far with it but equally she could damage her voice. Suggest that it's so unusual that it would be oretty tricky to fit in a choir. And boasting won't help. Suggest that she develops two styles, the unusual one, and work with you on the more usual one.

And then vamp up the art!

[bluetongue]

Do you realise you made the Daily Mail website OP?

Something you can always bring up at your daughter's 21st

[TheStoic]

Just had to say, this thread is being discussed on Melbourne radio as we speak!

Consensus: gentle honesty is the best policy...

[hackmum]

I agree that there has to be a happy medium. I am yet another person (there are a lot of us about) who was told I couldn't sing as a child, and was told so in a particularly public and hurtful way. It was devastating.

On the other hand, it could be cruel to let the poor child think she's good at singing and then only find out when she's publicly ridiculed.

I do think you need to tell her, but gently. And maybe encourage her to learn an instrument so she can develop a musical ear? I don't know if that would work or whether it would be a disaster, but there is definitely a view amongst musical educators that things like awareness of pitch can be taught and that they're not necessarily innate.

[shockthemonkey]

This should be celebrated and embraced. She could end up an internet star like this girl, whose rendition of a nativity song was so "unique" she stood out like a sore thumb:

She is now a very accomplished lawyer, I understand

[GrinchyMcGrincherson]

I still sing btw even though I know I'm awful because I also know it doesn't matter and in a group I am better because I can "tune myself" to others. My mum taught me how to do that. I can't sing alone but learnt to hold my own in a group.

[bibliomania]

I have a similar dd - adores singing, notes a bit hit and miss. She's not terrible if she stays within a fairly narrow range. She loves the school choir and they've never discouraged her, although I doubt she'll be getting a solo any time soon.

She's had a few difficult life circumstances, so I would never do anything to damage her enjoyment of singing, because I think emotionally it's a very powerful thing for her.

I'm slightly worried that I'm setting up her for MissVictoria's aunt's situation - she has suggested auditioning for the X factor. I told her fame would be a terrible burden.

[ILoveDolly]

I think there is a line between honesty and telling her she is crappy. No ordinary nine year old can sing well unless they have been trained. Tell her it's great to be confident but everyone needs to keep practising even professionals then suggest she join school choir or whatever so she can keep on learning to sing, away from you, and they will encourage her to modify her tone/loudness etc
My daughter thinks she's Darcy Bussell and she definitely isn't but as she hates competitive sports and spends most of her time reading I'd rather she went on prancing around.
Someone or something will burst their bubble in the end but it's not your job. Mum is cheerleader and maybe there to commiserate when dreams go awry

[PsammeadPaintedTheLion]

Just encourage improvement. It's easy, there's probably YouTube videos for voice training if you don't want to commit to a course. Just cutting her down and giving her no chance to improve seems cruel. Lying isn't necessary. Praise her interest and her enthusiasm.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

MI - yes, I guess we're coming at it in opposite directions. I agree there's a big element of talent with anything, and not everyone has it. Most parents aren't trained professionals, and with the best will in the world, if a child has been warbling at you for hours you might not be bringing your best critical abilities to bear on the question of whether or not they're any good! And my response is shaped by the extremely irritating recent experience of hearing my five-year-old niece singing (in tune as far as I could hear, and more importantly, as far as my musical SIL can hear), and being 'corrected' by my dad who has a tin ear.

But I suspect I'm wandering well away from the OP now.

[Lancelottie]

I have two innately musical children and one who frankly wasn't.

The two with the born-in-tune singing voices found it agonising to sing with others listening, because they were so self-critical. One of them also found it agonising to listen to anyone even slightly out of tune, which means most schools assemblies.

The happily yodelling, totally unselfcritical middle one sang his merry way through primary and secondary schools, got the odd solo part in musicals, and earns decent cash busking, though he does still sing the odd duff note.

[BarInSpace]

I meet so many adults who have missed out on the joy of singing for decades because someone had told them they could not sing when they were little.

Yes, I agree. And why is this discouragement so often seen as acceptable with music/dance type activities, but not so much with others? Should parents tell their children that their attempts at lego building, cycling, baking, reading, drawing, football, painting, ballet, swimming, acting and writing are "terrible" too?

[Eolian]

My dd used to be a lot like this about singing, OP. I never told her she was completely out of tune, but didn't tell her she was a wonderful singer either. She is now 11 and has realised herself that she's not a good singer. It's fine - she's brilliant at lots of other things and is a confident girl. There was absolutely no need for me to knock her confidence.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Apparently Lea Michele off Glee had to listen to her Dad telling her that 'With respect and love, darling, you can't sing' at around age 9.

She's done well, considering

[motherinferior]

I think what I am getting nettled about, LRD - and probably irrelevantly - is the idea that music is somehow the same for everyone, and that 'everyone can sing' or conversely 'no kids are any good at singing'. Possibly, as I've said upthread, everyone can sing. And enjoy singing. But musicality is also a talent; people have abilities in art, or maths, or writing, or astrophysics. One of my lovely daughters is good at music. The equally lovely other one isn't.

Everyone can splodge paint onto paper or write dreadful poetry. Doesn't mean they'll do it well, however enjoyable and therapeutic it is.

[Lancelottie]

the kids they cast in their plays are the ones that can sing LOUDLY

I was once told (by a musician) that when he auditioned kids for children's choirs, he didn't look for the most obviously tuneful but for the one he could hear from the other side of the playground before he even came into the school.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Oh, come on ... one poster mentioned emotional abuse, and made it pretty clear she was talking about a whole dynamic and wondering whether the OP always responds like this.

Lots of people are identifying with the thread because it's a common experience - not because they're saying it ruined their lives!

[Psychomumsucks]

My mum told me how shit I was at singing all the time and really knocked my confidence completely, I could have continued singing at school and improved but no she told me I was shit and not to bother she would also laugh at me and tell others how crap I was. I've never forgot the feeling of my own mother laughing at me and I hate that I let her take any confidence I had.

[littleprincesssara]

There seems to be an awful lot of projection on this thread. So many posters whose entire lives were seemingly destroyed by someone once telling them they can't sing! Telling someone the truth about their abilities is emotional abuse, really?

It's really nothing to do with singing, it's about how to manage a child with an excessive bragging and ego problem, so she doesn't get bullied or grow up with unhealthy ideas.

[Halfling]

Just tell her that she needs some more practice. Record her performance and play it back to her. Work with her to improve her self awareness.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

MI, I know you can hear children sing - but isn't the issue that a lot of people actually don't know good singing from bad?

I'm one of those who never sings (and I have been ticked off by the bishop of Oxford for this, which is a bizarre claim to fame), because I got told I was terrible when I was a child.

Amongst the people who told me my singing was terrible was my dad, who I now realise has very little musicality - he managed to snap a G string on a violin when I was little, trying to tune it by ear. It's not his fault, but he would be the last person to know if I could sing. And of course, I've no idea now because I never sing!

[Cleanermaidcook]

If she's very boastful and also this voice she's doing is awful it's likely the Kids at school will say something, kids are cruel like that.
I'd maybe concentrate on the boastfulness if it were me, saying something like "it's not about how good you are, it's about enjoying it people don't have to think you're the best"

[Majesticdoughnut]

I'm a singer and I'm pretty damn good but I have very little confidence in all the other areas of life. My ddaughter has been singing since she was little and loves it. We have a giggle when she goes off key but I would never tell her she is awful. We have enough critics in our life without our parents starting on us as well.
I do believe that tactfully suggesting improvements and different ways of singing would help rather than smash her confidence to smithereens x