To tell my daughter she has a terrible singing voice

[fudgefeet]

My daughter (9) came out of school yesterday telling me that they had been learning a new song at school and she realised she is "amazing" at singing it. She then gave me a 3 minute car ride home of what I can only call deep guttural warbling that was supposed to be Mama Mia. She has never had much of an ear for music and struggled to sing nursery rhymes in tune but now she has added what she calls her own style to the mix it really is quite shocking. I did my best to keep a straight face the whole way through as she sung her little heart out.
She is a very loud child and often likes to tell people how brilliant she is at things even when she's not so I don't want to tell her it was great as she will no doubt start sharing her new talent with everyone and probably even ask to sing in assembly. Should I just let her carry on in blissful ignorance or find a way to tell her its awful.

[NoToast]

I have a 5 year old in the same situation: I would be happy to donate her to create a band. She never needs to learn anything, has an interesting style and 'writes' her own soulful material.

[Degustibusnonestdisputandem]

Haven't read the whole thread, but pretty much anyone can be trained to sing

[DIYandEatCake]

I'd just let her enjoy it, say something like 'that sounds like fun to sing' and maybe play her some more ABBA songs, she might like listening to them. She's only 9, enjoy her youthful confidence and enthusiasm while it lasts

[ReallyTired]

I feel people's expectations are too high. No one was born able to sing. A five year old is really young. Saying a five year old can't sing is as stupid as saying a five year old can't drive a car. Even a nine year old is young.

My daughter likes to write her own songs at the age of seven. I doubt that her creations will interest record producers quite yet, but it's great for her literacy.

[MistressMolecules]

I think you would be very mean to tell her she is awful, how about when she starts singing you join in. Have a bit of fun, laugh with her, you don't have to tell her she is an awesome singer if she isn't but you also don't have to destroy her confidence and self-esteem by telling her she is rubbish!

[IAmNotACat]

I don't think I'd tell her outright that she's a bad singer, but I would be discouraging her from telling people she's brilliant at anything. It's a bit off-putting when people say things like that, and she's better off learning that now than continuing to do it and coming across as obnoxious.

I was always taught to 'show' and not 'tell' when I was good at something and wait for others to say what they thought of it instead of saying how good I thought I was.

[frizzfactor]

I'm a singer. Had lessons all my life, passed exams, sang at Covent Garden, played gigs, sang in bands, choirs, Bath Abbey.

Do you know what stands out for me? 2 people have told me I can't sing. 2. Out of hundreds who have gasped and praised and asked for more.

One of them was my dad. DO. NOT. DESTROY. HER.

[Memoires]

Singing is a lot about hearing. She can train her ear.

My dad 'taught' himself to have perfect pitch by playing an A on the piano every time he walked past it, many many times a day. (He had really good relative pitch anyway and trained as a concert pianist, which may have helped a bit.)

Anyway, if you have an instrument at home, you can help her by playing a note and her singing it back to you.

[motherinferior]

Plenty of people are terrible singers, though.
They may be having an absolute whale of a time but they're still not any good at singing.

[80schild]

So long as she's not planning on going on the factor I can't see the problem.

[YuckYuckEwwww]

It is a very fine line between encouraging her and bringing her back down to earth at times The world knocks you down enough pegs you don't need it from your loved ones too!

OP there are more than two binary choices here, its not between "yes you're amazing" or "no you are not good"
What about:
"you sound like you enjoy singing"
"you really like that song dont you"
"you're certainly putting your heard into it"
and 100s of other things you can say that are neither confirming or denying real talent

[blissfullyaware]

oh dear I read this and flinched as this was the exact same situation the other morning with my nearly 9 year old. She came in to my bedroom and it was so bad I had to turn away. Dreadful mother. But she sings with a passion and love and I love her dearly for it. The thing is I cannot be false. I am not a disney mother. My daughter is so good at sport - thatches so naturally but not singing. So to buy lessons in case she improves? That said I have always sung to her at night time (still do) and to my son and I have an ok voice (would never dare sing in front of anyone) its great for kids lullabies and she loves it. She wasn't picked for the choir instead is picked for A team Hockey A team netball swimming galas and cross country and is a talented gymnast. She is great on stage. FFS sometimes children need a parent to be honest. And then I read the stuff about Kate Bush? I can imagine her writing the songs - she is great at that. Ok so I need someone to advise me how to deal with this better. I didn't tell her she was awful I just said - look - you know those really embarrassing kids on the X Factor who won't accept a No - thats because their parents lied to them for sooooo long. Your not bad - but its not your best strength - you are better at sport.

is that terrible ? have I screwed up ? holy cow. This motherhood thing. I love her so much.

[YuckYuckEwwww]

and anyway, I used to be in kiddy drama with someone who became a mid range pop star. She had an awful singing voice, I don't think anyone told her, she had lessons and became quite good.

I don't understand why people think being a good singer can be decided before someone has had any tuition, you don't do that with other "talents"

would you say your kid was rubbish at chess before they'ld had lessons

or rubbish at piano after their first bash at it?

[YuckYuckEwwww]

o to buy lessons in case she improves?
no you don't have to do that
but why tell her she's not good at it when she hasn't had any training? Would you do that about other things you're not going to give her lessons in? Horse riding? gymnastics?

You can be honest without being negative: "I love listening to how much you enjoy singing" is honest no? or even "well darling people who sing professionally work really hard at voice training, if you really wanted to we could switch some of your existing activities but like everything else, singing takes a lot of work to get to a good level"

[motherinferior]

Because you can hear them sing. It's luck more than anything else - just as plenty of people have awful singing voices, plenty of others have nice ones. I have a nice singing voice. Just luck. I've known excellent musicians, far better instrumentalists than me, with worse singing voices.

Singing is fun, and everyone should give it a go. But some people won't ever get beyond the level of cheerfully and therapeutically belting it out. Which is absolutely fine, as long as you accept this is different from the sort of singing other people might, you know, actually enjoy listening to.

[Wdigin2this]

Oh, come on......she's only 9! Surely you can indulge her for a little bit longer?!

[IMissGrannyW]

This is SUCH an interesting thread.

FWIW, my take is that the world is going to knock your child, and something they can and should be able to hold onto, is that their parent loves them and thinks they are great.

And telling your child he/she is rubbish at something?.... google the definitions of emotional abuse. Be sure to read up on the harm it does a child, and then see if it's quite so necessary to be so "honest".

BUT, having said that, I'm not condoning lying to a child. BUT loads of kids can't sing (look at any primary - the kids they cast in their plays are the ones that can sing LOUDLY!). A child doesn't have to sing "well" (what does that even mean?) for you to find something to praise.

No, your child shouldn't be encouraged to boast. But nor should a talented child either. It's not a very nice quality. It should be about the pleasure you get in the activity and/or the personal progress you make. NOT about being the "best" at something.

[Biffsboys]

I've always jokingly told my ds he can't sing - ff to 19 he still sings very loudly in shower and my ds(9) shouts "give the cats a chance ".It's one of many family laughs . No need to tell kids they are good st everything

[TyrionLannisterforKing]

When I was a little older than here, my friends turned and said: Don't dance near us, please. It is embarassing.
Last year, I took up rec figure skating. I am surprisingly good at it and far more graceful gliding than on foot. More importantly, I love it.

Anyway... I would tell her, but make the blow softer. Something like: "Huh, I think you are better with insert activity here. Maybe you could focus on that?" and when she kicks up a fuss, continue: "We all have our strenghts/Nobody is good at everything."

And perhaps some gentle reminding her over reigning her ego?
"Mum, don't I have a great voice?"
"No greater than your ego, darling. Remember that modesty is a virtue."

Maybe the latter is a bit harsh? But seriously, tell her. Don't let someone else do it.

[PerspicaciaTick]

My DD is an OK singer, then she got into Y5/Y6 and started singing with an awful fake American twang and a weird whine. It was terrible. Luckily she has grown out of it and is back to singing perfectly normally.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd has just joined the choir at school. She's 8. Her singing voice is a bit flat in places. I'd never tell her. I think the neutral phrases suggested upthread are the way to tackle this coupled with a smile and kiss or rub on the back. Your dd perhaps wants to know she fits in somewhere in the world so telling her she doesn't could have far greater repercussions. She's 9 not 19.

[noeffingidea]

I wouldn't tell her she was terrible. I would just ask her to sing quieter, and try and discourage the 'guttural warbling'. Perhaps you could encourage her to sing the words clearer, or something . If she's going to be singing at school in a choir or play then the teacher might be able to help her.
I kind of went through this with my son, though he was a teenager. He actually wanted to audition for xfactor, until I pointed out, as tactfully as possible, that he might be one of the people having the piss taken out of him by Simon Cowell.

[Puddingandpiee]

My mum broke it to me that I was terrible and I appreciate that she did so that it wasn't someone else that would put me down later on!

[MissVictoria]

For the sake of her self confidence and dignity, TELL HER.
Singing is a talent that you either have, or you don't. Even singing lessons can't change that, if your singing sucks, it sucks.
My aunt thinks she's an amazing singer, and she's of that belief because her family have always told her so. Every party at her place ends up as a karaoke party, and she even set up a singing group that go round doing old folks homes, and events. Thankfully the rest of the group are decent and carry her, but any solo, it sounds like a cat being tortured. And she HAS had lessons because she wanted to sing more professionally. The lessons have just made her even more confident of a talent she doesn't have, and she looks and sounds even more ridiculous because she makes the "faces" and mouth shapes she was taught there in a really over exaggerated way. She went as far as auditioning for Britain's got talent FFS, and genuinely wondered why she didn't get past the initial audition.
She even gets up in the middle of peoples weddings and takes it upon herself to start singing. I'm genuinely embarrassed for (and of) her, and i don't trust a word my family say when complimenting me of anything because they have clearly lied to her, they will to me too.
Do her a favour, tell her, and don't let her become a laughing stock in front of people she'll likely be at school with til she's 16, kids are cruel, they remeber everything, you're setting her up for potential humiliation.