To tell my daughter she has a terrible singing voice

[fudgefeet]

My daughter (9) came out of school yesterday telling me that they had been learning a new song at school and she realised she is "amazing" at singing it. She then gave me a 3 minute car ride home of what I can only call deep guttural warbling that was supposed to be Mama Mia. She has never had much of an ear for music and struggled to sing nursery rhymes in tune but now she has added what she calls her own style to the mix it really is quite shocking. I did my best to keep a straight face the whole way through as she sung her little heart out.
She is a very loud child and often likes to tell people how brilliant she is at things even when she's not so I don't want to tell her it was great as she will no doubt start sharing her new talent with everyone and probably even ask to sing in assembly. Should I just let her carry on in blissful ignorance or find a way to tell her its awful.

I know that feeling, one of mine has a lovely singing voice, one doesn't, it's a bit hard to handle.

What's worked for us is: Singstar competitions, my dd who wasn't so hot on singing heard her own voice back and around 9/10 realised she wasn't a great singer.

I'm glad I never said 'you can't sing though' because she was in the school play with a singing part, and I was dreading it, but she actually did quite well, not nearly as bad as I had anticipated, she seemed to be able to moderate her voice to be not too loud and quite sweet rather than belting it out and I felt very proud of her.

Plus there's loads of community and school choirs where individually people aren't brilliant, but as a whole sound great.

I think what I'm trying to say is don't comment, but let feedback find her (listening to yourself on video/Singstar is a great way to do this). Don't tell her she's great, she isn't but that doesn't mean she can't be an enthusiastic and lovely contributor to school concerts/choirs, and let her own it and judge her own potential, she's getting old enough.

i think it's ok to focus on things that they are good on and making a light hearted comment about how they can't be good at everything.

it's your job as a parent to give them some reality... i have so many friends kids in my life who've been told they are FABULOUS/AMAZING at something.. most of them are average, i like their enthusiasm but you are setting the kids up for a fail by telling them they're the next Katherine Jenkins or whomever.

Well no of course the OP shouldn't say "You're rubbish, actually" to a child, but there is such a thing as overconfidence. If this child has a tendency to "loudly brag" to everyone about how amazing she is, pushes herself forward to the degree suggested here (asking her teachers if she can sing solo at assembly) and gets offended at the idea of taking lessons as it implies she's not already perfect, well I'm sorry but to me that indicates something that could develop into a problem in the future, either in terms of getting along with others, or in not having the emotional skills to withstand knock-backs. Perhaps some gentle 'ego managing' wouldn't go amiss.

I think the suggestion of singing classes is a good one, and if it causes her to sulk because she thinks she's too good for singing lessons, maybe that's a lesson she needs to learn?

Singing lessons, if you can afford it, just a few. She will either get bored or she will love it and grow.

I used to love singing and my mum and aunt used to mock how bad I was - it totally knocked my confidence and now aged 25 I'm only just feeling comfortable singing along in the car/at choir without their cackles and voices in my head.

Sing along with her and make her feel good, most kids can't sing!

I was about 11 when I realised how bad I was, I couldn't work out why I was never in the choir and played a beast in the school play not Dorothy. When I was allowed to join the choir (to make up the numbers) I was asked not to sing. My parents thought is hilarious. Later on at senior school, at parents evening, my music teacher said down with my parents and said "mydeitstartsmonday" what a beautiful voice, my parents looked at each other and said are you sure we are "mydeitstartsmonday" parents - oh no she can't sing a note, tone deaf.
Later in life I had a bet with a restaurant owner that I could clear his restaurant of the stragglers for more wine - I did with a rendition of Thank you for the music by Abba.
I would say be nice, tell her to practice (preferably at the bottom of the garden!). Maybe wait till she is 11 to drop the bombshell, but I suspect her friends will tell her before hand, so you might have prepare her!

I'm quite impressed at the notion that she is experimenting with her range and developing something she calls "her technique". At 9! Look at it this way OP, there's definitely something here, even if in the long run it doesn't turn out to be singing. She's interested in ideas about music and singing voices, that's good. She'll get feedback from peers and teachers if her aptitude really doesn't lie that way.

Oh Fudge I feel for you! My 12 year old DD has decided in the last 6 months that she is a fabulous singer. She's constantly singing at the top of her voice and it's terrible! I've had to bite my tongue so many times when on the verge of telling her how bad it sounds. It makes my ears wither and I want to smash something!

I didn't want to destroy her confidence, so said nothing, but a few months back when she and her friend decided that they were going to sing in the school talent contest I felt I had to do something because I was worried they'd have the piss taken out of them. (both struggle to fit in at school and get teased quite a lot). So I recorded them singing and played it back to them (so they could work out which bits were strong and which were weak). When they listened back to it they were both mortified. However, this did not deter them! They continued to screech and howl away at their song and entered the aforementioned contest! They didn't win but I'm not aware that they got any flack from having sung in public.

So......I'm still driven demented by her constant singing but yesterday (courtesy of MN) I discovered that I suffer from misphobia so maybe it doesn't sound so bad to others!

And some sing with enthusiasm and gusto

Feel your pain there, Mother inferior, we had one who sang with 'enthusiasm and some idea of rhythm...'

...constantly

Also agree with littleprincesssara though, if she really does get offended if you suggest lessons, that's less good...

I would tell her OP, gently. My cousin wanted to be the next Rihanna but has no rhythm whatsoever and of course nobody told her. Next thing she is performing terribly in the school production and all the kids (and parents too probably) are laughing at her. This is why you see those eejits on X factor thinking they are the bees knees when they're crap. You don't need to be harsh about it but I would try to nip it in the bud now tbh - kids need to learn to handle set backs.

I had a dreadful voice at that age. But I loved singing so my mother got me lessons. I started to improve a bit in my teens as my voice got higher (unusual, I know) and now I am a semi professional. Practise makes perfect....

Meh.

Ever heard Britney Spears singing without all of the technical enhancements?

It's not good.

I agree with bluesky up thread.
It doesn't do to pander to them, although, I wouldn't be so blunt as to say she is dreadful.
I also don't agree that everyone can sing and improve with lessons. Some people are tone deaf and no amount of lessons will help them to improve.
Encourage her to find out what she is good at and build confidence that way, it's a good life lesson too. No matter what we want to do if we aren't capable then we have to find something else.

I think while she's still quite young just let her explore what she wants to explore. I would be polite but I wouldn't knock her confidence by saying she has a terrible singing voice but on the other hand I wouldn't make it worse by lying and saying she was Amazing. I can see this being me in a few years time if DD singing (if you can call it that sometimes screaming words out) hasn't improved.

If by the time my DD is a teenager and still hasn't figured it out for herself id have to say something perhaps not your terrible but for her to invest more time in things that she is extremely good at.

I think it would be such a waste of talent if children invested all their time into something that in reality they are not really good at, when they could be focusing on the things they are really good at. I think at that point the decent thing would be to be more honest.

I am gob smacked at parents on some of these talent shows that stand there backing their child and saying they are so amazing and in reality they are dreadful, for that to come out in the most hurtful shocking way. Personally I'd be glad my parents admitted the truth than let it get to that point. I think sometimes it spirals out of control how can you suddenly say to your child they are not very good at it after you've said for years they are Amazing? Especially back in the day when they used to rush in and say OMG you are so wrong! my child is amazing! It makes me cringe and feel sad to think they believed that and let their child believe that for so long and they allowed their children to humiliate themselves and if that wasnt bad enough have it aired to Millions.

I agree with people who have said the issue is her self awareness and showing off.
It is a very fine line between encouraging her and bringing her back down to earth at times. She has struggled academically at school (in contrast to her younger sister who is a bookworm) and feels a need to excell somewhere but not yet found her niche. She does a lot of sport and is a great artist but right now it is all about the singing. I honestly would just let her carry on if she wasn't quite so boastful and if this "style" wasn't done as seriously as it is.

Get her to watch the film Florence Foster Jenkins?

Please don't tell her she is awful. She's enjoying singing. You can let her do that without being too negative. Just try and be diplomatic.

My DD has always loved singing but was put down by her primary school music teacher and it really knocked her confidence. Personally i didn't think she was that bad, just a little flat at times.

With an enthusiastic & caring high school teacher she has flourished and has just started GCSE Music.

Try to see her boasting as part of her overall learning at this age- she's not quite sure what she's good at and is trying out both singing and interactional styles! One of mine was quite boastful, but again, feedback from peers and having a few deeper friendships rather than trying to superficially dazzle/annoy everyone is starting to pay off. It's a bit painful to let them learn, but I think it's far better than trying to constantly step in and change things for them. The boasting will stop soon, I promise (probably to be replaced with teen self-angst, but that's a whole other story).

Oh bless her, she's 9, let her sing her heart out if she wants. Singing is fun, she could join a choir perhaps. A deep singing voice isn't necessarily a bad singing voice, not with a bit of vocal coaching.

My DD has a less than pleasing singing voice and can't dance for toffee but she gets a lot of pleasure out of doing both of them. Unless she was suggesting auditioning for xfactor I'd neve tell her. Things like singing and dancing can be so enjoyable for the person doing them that to tell them YOU don't like it is cruel, especially at 9.

There's a time and a place for telling people's they lack skill in something they're getting a lot from and primary school age isn't it. Who cares if a 9 year old can't sing very well? When I'm watching kids perform I'm looking for them having fun, no more.

Get her to watch the film Florence Foster Jenkins?

That's when she wants the OP to hire the Albert Hall for her first gig.

My father was told as a child that he couldn't sing.

When he was in his mid-60s, a friend of a friend who was a singing teacher sat with him at the piano and showed him that he COULD sing - he just had a very small natural range.

All those years not singing because people casually told him he couldn't.

I know I was able to sing when I was a pre-teen, I was in a choir and sometimes sang solos. I have been told in my adult life that I "can't sing" (by someone with NO musical interest/background at all) but I bet that after 40 years of not singing, if I had a refresher lesson or 6 I'd sound OK.