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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Destination Wedding and no plus one- AIBU

147 replies

VIX1307 · 03/11/2016 12:48

One of my good friends has invited me to her wedding next July, it is a destination wedding in Italy.
AIBU to be upset that she has not given me a plus one? I can understand more for a wedding based near home going alone, but I just feel a bit put out that I'm willing to spend hundreds of pounds to travel across countries to attend her wedding but she won't allow a plus one. This is likely to be my summer holiday too.
I am the only single person going (everyone else has been given a plus one as they have a SO) and therefore paying for a room on my own, where everyone else can obviously split the cost. I will have to travel alone and stay in a b&b.
I know two other people attending (one who will be on bridesmaid duty all day, plus her other half)
I brought it up with her and mentioned that it would actually be cheaper for me to pay myself for the extra head and then split the cost of a room with a friend or my sister. She said "except we don't want a randomer at our wedding".
What do you think?

OP posts:

sterlingcooper · 04/11/2016 13:26

I wouldnt go and I wouldnt feel guilty about that.

You only know the bride, groom and a bridesmaid. For me, it wouldn't be in any way fun to travel alone to Italy and attend an expensive wedding in those circumstances.

If I had any lingering feelings of guilt, they would have been assuaged when the bride was rude about your suggestion that you could bring someone. Absolutely it is her right to invite who she wants, but she could have at least shown a little understanding that you wouldn't really know anyone else at the wedding , and said no in a nicer way.

Unless you are the type of person who finds it v easy and enjoyable to mingle and chat with new people, I wouldnt go.

Lorelei76 · 04/11/2016 13:37

I'm with you OP
as someone who has often attended weddings as a singleton, I don't understand why partners are standard but I've never been asked if I want a plus one when single.

I do understand where there's a numbers issue and they don't know a partner, but in those cases they are just inviting people they know and no partners at all, so it's different.

For me, it would be really wrong if she is offended by a refusal of this invite. I've been on holiday alone, do cinema etc alone often but I think a 3 day wedding alone is going to be so dull - you need a friend to have a laugh with.

anyway, hopefully she will realise some people will turn it down just because it's a 3 day destination wedding! I just remembered, a single mate of mine went to America for a wedding, she was given a plus one.

What your friend is describing sounds like "If you had a boyfriend I didn't know from Adam, I'd invite them" - which doesn't make sense.

Bodear · 04/11/2016 13:38

The bride isn't really interested in whether you have a good time. If she was she would be more accommodating to your (imo reasonable) request.

That would tell me all I needed to know about whether to feel guilty about declining the invitation.

TheNaze73 · 04/11/2016 13:56

I'd decline. You're not getting a +1, so move on.

When you add on annual leave, food, accommodation & flights it'll all add up. I wouldn't bother

ShelaghTurner · 04/11/2016 13:57

I've always understood a plus one to be an escort so that you don't have to go to an event alone. 'Escort' being a friend etc not someone you're shagging or paying! If you had a partner the partner would be on the inivitaton and not referred to as a plus one.

Given that she isn't allowing a plus one I'd gladly refuse and think no more about it. It sounds horrendous anyway.

MrsKoala · 04/11/2016 14:05

I'd just say no OP. She of course can invite who she likes but you can equally exercise your right to decline.

Loobyloo OP - you haven't said why you can't take someone along with you who then just doesn't go to the wedding?

I expect because the bride doesn't want a 'randomer' at any of the 3 days events either. So the prospect of going on holiday with someone for 5 days where 2 of those will include travelling and 3 will be spent alone is probably not the most enticing of invitations.

One year exH and i were invited to 3 midweek country house weddings, the costs with loss of wages, travel, accommodation etc was about 2k. Not including the stag and hen do's abroad. We declined all and went on a 2 week holiday to Greece instead. It was lovely.

Alwayschanging1 · 04/11/2016 14:10

I have been to a wedding where I did not get a plus one invite and did not know anybody but the bride. It was miserable. I sat by myself during the photos. At the meal I was sat on a corner table, facing a wall, with two families who had kids, who knew each other well and barely spoke to me. I ended up making my excuses and leaving before the evening do.
Buy your friend a fab wedding present from the money you save from not going - and then stay at home.

bluebird3 · 04/11/2016 14:37

Personally I think your friend is being rude and I would decline. She's obviously not that bothered about you so I wouldn't bother going!

RNBrie · 04/11/2016 14:44

People are totally ridiculous about weddings. What difference does it make, really, in the grand scheme of things, if there is a friend of a friend at your wedding!!?

Of course you should have a plus one. Asking someone to travel and pay for a room alone is totally unreasonable.

I just wouldn't go to this given the circumstances. Destination weddings are always a selfish choice but not allowing a single person to bring a friend is the height of selfishness. I hate this "your wedding your choice" thing. You're asking your closest friends and family to attend and then treat them with contempt.

daisypond · 04/11/2016 15:12

I wouldn't go. I hate all these "pretend I'm mega-rich/a celeb and I live in a south of France castle/private Italian island" weddings. It's all just dressing-up make-believe for adults. Your friend can do what she wants, of course - it's her money she can spend, waste, if she wants to. But you don't have to go along with it. Being a guest at someone's wedding should not put you that much out of pocket unless it's also something you want to do. It's completely unreasonable.

Amalfimamma · 04/11/2016 15:19

VIX1307

I got married in italy, but I live here, have a big irish family. DH has a big italian family. Everyone got a plus one and then they decided if they could afford it or not.

If it's in this area (amalfi) and you decide to go, let me know and I'll entertain your sister/friend for the day so you're not worrying about them.

Andylion · 04/11/2016 15:26

I just feel guilty for not accepting the invite I suppose but hopefully she will understand

OP, if you accepted, you'd likely feel resentful. Politely decline.

Original poster

VIX1307 · 04/11/2016 15:40

It's going to be in Sorrento. I've never been to Italy so would be happy to make it my annual holiday and spend a bit of time out there. Not alone though (grin)

OP posts:

SinglePringle · 04/11/2016 15:46

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Flew for 14hrs to attend a friends wedding without a Plus One. Had a fabulous time.

In fact, I've never been offered a Plus One in all my single years.

Lorelei76 · 04/11/2016 15:47

OP, I'm puzzled how they can occupy three days with wedding stuff as well. Sorrento is lovely but it doesn't sound like you will get to see it!

daisypond · 04/11/2016 15:52

Sorrento is a good base for going up and down the Amalfi coast. Could you go with a friend, do the wedding bit for one day only, and spend the rest of the time actually "on holiday"?

Amalfimamma · 04/11/2016 16:33

VIX1307

Sorrento is great and not that far from me. You could visit napoli Pompei salerno Amalfi coast postano capri Ischia. It's a great Base.

Why not think of asking someone to come along but not go to the wedding, you could even stay in sorrento just for the wedding (night before and night off) and then move so that you save money and see more of Italy?

5moreminutes · 04/11/2016 16:47

I've been to a 5 day wedding - it was brilliant, but it was also all inclusive paid for by the groom including a 5 star hotel room and all our food (groom was a phenomenally wealthy man on his 4th marriage). I'd never met the couple before and went as a plus 1 :o

There was a different style of banquet every night but the days were our own, on a Malaysian island...

That's how you do a multi day destination wedding :o

Otherwise I think you have to realise what you are asking of guests and accept with good grace that it is natural many will decline if you don't make it an appealing way to use annual leave and holiday budget.

expatinscotland · 05/11/2016 12:00

Don't bother compromising all this for this gal's wedding. All this 'could you take someone and they sit out the wedding stuff' when there are going to be a lot of wedding events. Fuck that for a holiday. Decline and go to Sorrento with a mate without all the wedding bullshit.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/11/2016 17:31

So the 'randommer' would be your sister or a mutual friend whose wedding she attended?

OP, take off your blinkers, this girl is no friend. She sounds an inconsiderate bridezilla at best, a bitch at worst.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 05/11/2016 17:56

YANBU - don't go. I don't think you are unreasonable in not wanting to go to a multi day wedding alone. I think asking about the +1 was reasonable, in her response the bride has shown that she doesn't care about your finances or how you might feel surrounded by couples - she is not a friend.

Whereismumhiding2 · 07/11/2016 20:53

I don't usually comment on bride's wishes for their day. It's their right and their day. We always accommodate brides on their day, but within reason.

But, an abroad high cost wedding event... Hmmmm... I don't disagree with PP. As a 5 day abroad wedding with a demand you come on your own, join in exclusively for 3 days, don't bring anyone as your plus one that bride already know and care about already as they ate a "randomer" but isn't really a random new boyf that she would accept, is a doofus criteria. And a" be there to celebrate greatness of me at my beck and call for 3 days, on your own" so you can't invite a mate along and make the most of AL or holiday, cos I'm expecting you to dedicaye ebery moment to Meeeeeee.... All smacks of a bridezilla who has forgotten what it's all about.

Let your friends join you, celebrate, have fun, make them comfortable of you are asking them to travel hundreds of miles, it is just a day, a fab important day, but it would be better fun to celebrate I'm style with everyone comfortable.

I'm sorry for you , that your friend bride has gone bridezilla.

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