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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Destination Wedding and no plus one- AIBU

147 replies

VIX1307 · 03/11/2016 12:48

One of my good friends has invited me to her wedding next July, it is a destination wedding in Italy.
AIBU to be upset that she has not given me a plus one? I can understand more for a wedding based near home going alone, but I just feel a bit put out that I'm willing to spend hundreds of pounds to travel across countries to attend her wedding but she won't allow a plus one. This is likely to be my summer holiday too.
I am the only single person going (everyone else has been given a plus one as they have a SO) and therefore paying for a room on my own, where everyone else can obviously split the cost. I will have to travel alone and stay in a b&b.
I know two other people attending (one who will be on bridesmaid duty all day, plus her other half)
I brought it up with her and mentioned that it would actually be cheaper for me to pay myself for the extra head and then split the cost of a room with a friend or my sister. She said "except we don't want a randomer at our wedding".
What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
VIX1307 · 04/11/2016 10:25

Well the latest update is that I told her I didn't think I could afford the whole 5 days and she told me that some people are making a holiday of it and staying for the full wack and others are coming for just 2 nights or 3 nights and doing it as cheap as possible.

Even if I did go for two of 3 nights, I would still just be quite aware of being on my own for that time and having to navigate a sea of couples that I don't know, travelling alone, having to stay in a cheap shitty b&b away from where all the other guests are staying and having to travel back there at night on my own after the wedding is over (then probably back again the next day to rejoin them all)
I think it is quite double standards that she's allowing another person to bring a new boyfriend that she hasn't met before but she won't allow me to bring someone she knows (not a 'randomer' as shes suggesting).
We have a mutual friend that we've been on holiday with (and my friend even went to her wedding last year). Would it really be so bad for me to bring someone like that? Does a plus one always have to be a partner?

The wedding is going to be about 70 people, I just don't see why it is so bad for me to bring a mutual friend or my sister (who does my friends hair every month! ) it's hardly a random person! Plus offering to cover their costs just so I wont be completely on my tod the whole time and be able to actually afford to join the rest of the wedding party by having the option of splitting the costs a bit. Sorry just venting a little!
I know some don't agree but I think I'm just a bit upset by the way she reacted to it more than anything.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/11/2016 10:28

Look, she's made it clear: you won't be able to bring a plus one. Personally, I wouldn't go at all. But you need to decide if you're going to go or bring someone and then they have to sit out all the wedding bits.

JoJoSM2 · 04/11/2016 10:29

Why are you expecting a 2-person invitation if you're neither married, nor engaged... You don't even have a boyfriend??? Completely YABU. If the wedding is somewhere nice, then you could go on a holiday in that area with your sister/friend/whoever but attend the wedding by yourself (perhaps the main event only, not 3 days of it). If you don't fancy a holiday in that area and don't feel you can afford to fly out just for the wedding, then decline.

I totally understand that your friend doesn't want random people at her wedding but equally expect that she realises that it'd be madly expensive for you so you might not be able to make it.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 04/11/2016 10:32

Again it's not a random person. It's someone she knows well, deems a friend and who's wedding she attended herself last year.

OP posts:
Lucked · 04/11/2016 10:38

Buy a regretfully can't attend card and send it rather than text then go book a great holiday with your sister.

Leslieknope45 · 04/11/2016 10:41

She doesn't want you to bring someone not on the guest list. You've asked, she said no. Now you need to decide whether or not you want to go.

I sympathise as I recently went to a destination wedding and my husband wasn't invited. I did go and enjoyed it but I thought during the ceremony that it was a shame that we were all there to celebrate love and marriage, but my own marriage wasn't important, just theirs.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2016 10:43

It doesn't matter, VIX, you don't have a plus one invitation and one is not forthcoming. You can throw your teddies out the pram all you want, it's her wedding. It's expensive and couples-orientated. That's her lookout. Yours is whether or not you're going to spunk hundreds of pounds to go and be, from the sounds of it, miserable.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 04/11/2016 10:48

Normal bog standard wedding I would say suck it up and go alone but actually I think different rules apply if it's an event that's incredibly expensive to attend. I wouldn't dream of extending a solo invitation to a person travelling several hours to my wedding let alone several thousand miles. It's just inconsiderate to expect someone to travel alone, pay for a room alone and incur all the extra expenses travelling alone incurs.

It's an 'event' based over 3 days and then a day either side to relax.

Just say no. Three days where you may be totally alone just because you don't have a partner? I'm sorry but if you are doing a fancy 3 day wedding abroad you should be accommodating.

You also mention another of her single friends how has a partner and can bring him? Someone she's known for 5 minutes? How is that not "inviting a randomer"? But you can't bring your own sister?

MargaretCavendish · 04/11/2016 10:51

I actually think asking someone she knows but who isn't already invited is quite a lot more awkward - them being your plus one almost highlights their uninvited status? I had 70 people at my wedding and it is a tricky number in that you inevitably need to have 'cut off' points between friends and acquaintances and I think you might be making it all the more difficult!

Look, your friend's wedding sounds very much not to my tastes. I hate the idea of a 'destination' wedding at all, let alone this multiday extravaganza. But it's what they're doing and at this point you should either go willingly or not at all. In the nicest possible way, you seem to think that your attendance is much more important to them than it is.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 04/11/2016 10:52

OP - you haven't said why you can't take someone along with you who then just doesn't go to the wedding? **

Yes she did the wedding is three bloody days long.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 04/11/2016 10:54

Yeah, you're right expat. No point getting upset- it is what it is! All I can do is respect her decision and decide from there whether it's something I want to do! I just feel guilty for not accepting the invite I suppose but hopefully she will understand

OP posts:
00100001 · 04/11/2016 10:55

you could invite anyone to stay with you for the duration. They don't have to go tot he wedding.

00100001 · 04/11/2016 10:56

So, you could have a 3/4/5/6/7 day holiday with a friend - of which one afternoon/evening, you won't spend with them? No biggie.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/11/2016 10:59

Decline. Use your holiday time and hard earned money to have a holiday with a friend or friends

This, but do it really nicely. get her a wee present anyway!

RockinHippy · 04/11/2016 11:03

I would decline too.

Yes, her wedding & she can do as she likes, but if she wants people to go, then she will have to make some concessions to make that something you would actually want to do. The "some randomer" comment would really pee me off tbh

Lorelei76 · 04/11/2016 11:08

Decline
Her attitude makes her sound like a not friend!

A three day destination wedding is bad enough but refusing you a plus one for that is adding insult, she expects you to spend £££ on her but she won't accept a random or spend to feed them?

This is the kind of friend who will let you down anyway. Save your money and have the holiday you want.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 04/11/2016 11:17

OP Given your updates she won't understand tbh because she is being an utter twat. You do need to decline though as the resentment will be much more costly in every way.

How I read it is that She is basically saying you can't bring one of two people she actually knows as a plus one simply because you aren't shagging them. It sounds like The event is for couples only in her eyes and she probably thinks you should be grateful to be invited on your own because a wedding is for couples.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 04/11/2016 12:24

From her perspective she is thinking ;'I am having a wedding overseas, and it is going to be amazing!! Everyone gets the chance to come and have a whale of a time for a week and to have a bit of a holiday. It's going to be great! Why does VIX not just get on with it and enjoy herself? She's creating issues where there are none. Sheesh can't she just enjoy herself without a chaperone??'

She is not thinking about costs, single supplements, etc. She is thinking that the wedding is a terrific chance to have a good time. It may well be, but fo you, there are other factors that she simply does not understand right now.

I'd decline nicely and use your own holiday time and funds to do something you want to do.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 04/11/2016 12:25

[and PS- I would probably decline in your position also]

shockthemonkey · 04/11/2016 12:25

Of course a plus one is for a SO.

Totally normal if you don't have an SO that you'll get an invite for one person. I went to quite a few weddings solo... including "destination" weddings (if you can call Ohio a destination for example)

Unluckycat1 · 04/11/2016 12:31

I wouldn't go. If it's probably going to end up being your summer holiday then go on a nice holiday with a friend instead. And I wouldn't feel guilty, weddings abroad mean less guests will be able to go, she'll know that.

Lottapianos · 04/11/2016 12:33

A plus one is for you to bring along another person so you don't have to attend the event alone (which is not everyone's cup of tea). Its no-one's business whether you're having sex with that person or not. I would never invite a single person without a plus one, unless there was definitely going to be a group of people they knew well (like work colleagues or whatever)

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 04/11/2016 12:34

Does she usually lack empathy or is this myopia about what she's asking of you linked exclusively to wedding fever?

She, of course, has every right to not give you a plus one but it seems rather unfeeling if she can't put herself in your shoes and imagine that spending all your holiday funds and annual leave on attending a wedding solo whilst surrounded by couples is going to be a bit miserable.

The only time I think it's fair to ever consider inviting people on their own is when they're part of a wider group anyway - it just seems to lack a generosity of spirit to invite a singleton with no links to anyone else.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 04/11/2016 12:35

Surely the whole point of a plus one is to bring anyone you like. If it was specifically for your SO wouldn't they just be specifically be invited in the first place?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/11/2016 12:41

'I just feel guilty for not accepting the invite I suppose but hopefully she will understand'

Why? Is she making you feel guilty for not pissing away hundreds of pounds for her fucking wedding because she wants it in holiday season in Europe? Because if she is, she's a TWAT. TBH, she sounds like a twat. You just decline nicely. 'Sorry, my finances just don't stretch to this.' And leave it. She has a problem with it, it's her problem.

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