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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Destination Wedding and no plus one- AIBU

147 replies

VIX1307 · 03/11/2016 12:48

One of my good friends has invited me to her wedding next July, it is a destination wedding in Italy.
AIBU to be upset that she has not given me a plus one? I can understand more for a wedding based near home going alone, but I just feel a bit put out that I'm willing to spend hundreds of pounds to travel across countries to attend her wedding but she won't allow a plus one. This is likely to be my summer holiday too.
I am the only single person going (everyone else has been given a plus one as they have a SO) and therefore paying for a room on my own, where everyone else can obviously split the cost. I will have to travel alone and stay in a b&b.
I know two other people attending (one who will be on bridesmaid duty all day, plus her other half)
I brought it up with her and mentioned that it would actually be cheaper for me to pay myself for the extra head and then split the cost of a room with a friend or my sister. She said "except we don't want a randomer at our wedding".
What do you think?

OP posts:
metaphoricus · 03/11/2016 23:03

Forgot to say. I would not pay £1000 to attend a wedding. Any good friend would understand that.

Blu · 03/11/2016 23:11

'Will you use your holiday to come with me to my friend's wedding because I don't want to pay the single room rate' isn't the most atttactive holiday invite , is it?

TheCraicDealer · 03/11/2016 23:27

A grand for a three day "event" plus travel time? Hahahahahahahahahaha! Its a wedding, not Glastonbury.

You know I really wanted a wedding in one of these venues in rural Ireland (TBF we do live on the same landmass) where you rent the whole place out and you have a BBQ the night before and then lazy a day to recover and catch up after the do. But then English DP, enchanted as he was by the idea, pointed out that his friends and family will have to pay for flights, no chance to shop around for accommodation, and pay to hire a car as transport links are poop. Also, you're forcing people to use quite a chunk of leave with that plan. So I conceded and, on reflection, there something inherently wanky and egotistical about extending your wedding from the standard British one day, 13:00-wheneveryouwanttoleave affair to nearly a week long celebration.

Added to the fact you'd be on your own- fuck that for a game of soldiers. It sounds like friggin Big Brother in Tuscany. If you don't want to be confrontational say you've checked and there's no leave available over that time, soz. If you're being more honest tell her it's too expensive without someone else to split the cost and you're worried about being bored when everyone splits off into couples. If she doesn't appreciate that then she's not a good mate and you definitely shouldn't bother going.

ShelaghTurner · 04/11/2016 01:12

Sod that for a laugh. A grand to spend five days feeling like a spare priest at a wedding (see what I did there?). No point asking someone to go with you and float around on their own while you're there because that doesn't solve the problem of you being stuck at the three day snooze fest on your tod. Spend £30 of the grand on a big bottle of gin and a cake and stay at home!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/11/2016 01:23

I wouldn't go.

But I don't think the bride is unreasonable not wanting someone there who isn't a so.

crazywriter · 04/11/2016 02:59

What is it with weddings and people expecting to take a plus one? We had this at our wedding. Had 2 cousins I didn't know we're with people. Never met their ohs before. One was polite enough to ask if he could bring his oh. Well his step mum asked if he could. Fair enough. The other had his step mum rsvp for all of them, oh included. I let it slide because it would be a big enough wedding and I would likely only see the guy once but it still peed me off.

A friend decided for his wedding that one if his other friends oh wasno invited she kicked off about it and ended up not coming. He called me to find out if he'd done the right thing. The oh coming would have spoiled the day because my friend hated the guy. But this spoilt the day anyway because she felt entitled to bring her oh and threw a tantrum because he wasn't invited.

It's the couples day. Why can't people just respect their invitation decisions? Either go or don't. That's up to you but stop being so entitled to think that the wedding revolves around you and your guest.

The only time the bride and groom are unreasonable is if they kick off that you're not going because of their invitation choice. But you have no right to force your plus one wishes on someone else's wedding.

missmollyhadadolly · 04/11/2016 05:14

Crazywriter, if you've read the thread, you'll have seen that most people are annoyed by the way the bride declined OP's request to gring a +1. I believe bride's response was 'except we don't want a randommer there 😂😂😂'

If the bride had said 'sorry, i just want my friends and family there' it probably wouldn't have hurt OP.

perditalost · 04/11/2016 05:49

What is it with weddings and people expecting to take a plus one?

Good manners and expected etiquette. Just because you were rude doesn't make you right!

Headofthehive55 · 04/11/2016 06:04

crazy everyone has a right to enjoy themselves at a wedding. It might be billed as the couples day, but the day also belongs to each and every guest. For each guest that is one day in their life they won't get back. Why would you insist they spend it unhappily? Or give them an invite that you know they won't enjoy?
Going to a wedding as a singleton often isn't much fun, no matter how pretence there is about that. Generally when one goes out it's with a group of friends, so to be left as the only single seems unkind. If going out as a singleton was fun you would find lots if people doing that at their own lesiure, theatre, movie, out dancing...but hey most people choose not to do that!

Ilovenannyplum · 04/11/2016 06:09

I can see both sides.

She should have considered that you don't know anybody and would be the only single plus it's a long way to go and v expensive

But I can also see why she doesn't want somebody she doesn't know at her wedding

Difficult, I think in your shoes OP I would decline.
Work not approving the leave perhaps?

hesterton · 04/11/2016 06:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Giselaw · 04/11/2016 06:14

"It's the couples day. Why can't people just respect their invitation decisions."

Because it's actually 3 days plus 2 days of travel time to get there and back and their invitation decision involves asking their guests to spend a significant amount of money and annual leave time.

Hardly a day.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 04/11/2016 06:30

Like others have said, if you could travel and enjoy the time in Italy (splitting the costs) with someone and just attend the wedding without your travel companion then that will be fine.

I am willing to bet that many people will decline - even for my closest friend I would be unwilling to use my holiday leave for 5 days of a wedding abroad. That may be because we have not had a holiday since early 2014 because we simply do not have the spare cash. I think there will be LOADS of people who end up declining when the invitation comes and the reality of annual leave / DC issues / cost etc have to then be faced. Of course people will say 'Oh a wedding in Italy, how fantastic!!!' but then simply decide they can't do it. You will not be alone if you decline.

Anyway, as a side note - and I have mentioned this on MN before under other names - but I had the misfortune to feel obliged to go to a line manager's 3 day farewell party which she also held abroad. I had just joined the company and felt it was an obligation. Cue a party of 6 very miserable staff line-managed by her (I was the only one without DCs and a partner at that time) sitting in a 'resort hotel' in Croatia for a long weekend.

Never to be repeated.

SpunkyMummy · 04/11/2016 06:41

She wants you to be surrounded by couples for 5 days? Oh wow. I understand why she didn't automatically give you a plus one... but if you asked her she really should.

Could you go with a very good/best friend? My best friend and I go on a holiday once a year.

But I honestly don't think I'd go. A wedding shouldn't be this long.

ThatsNoWayToSayGoodbye · 04/11/2016 06:43

I've been invited to a couple of weddings since my separation and neither of them invited a plus one. At one of them, I only knew the bride and her parents.

In your case, I would decline. And an invitation is just that; an invitation, and not a directive. She is free to invite whoever she chooses to her wedding, you are free to decline if you are unable to attend as she wishes.

I also like the suggestion of attending with a friend and they can do something else whilst the wedding is happening, but only if that's what you and they really want to do. I wouldn't organise that just to attend a wedding, tbh.

Yakitori · 04/11/2016 06:45

Have a holiday, take a friend, stay somewhere cheaper, go to the wedding only and not the three days of celebrations.

If it isn't feasible due to travel don't go.

Why do people make it so hard for their guests? Get married somewhere that everyone can get to. Have a nice holiday. Or get married while you are on holiday and have a big party when you get home.

Stop being such a fucking primadonna. Weddings are not a chance to emote your wonderful personality and taste to the wider world, it's supposed to be a celebration. Think first about the people who will be celebrating it with you and spending loads of money to do so. Just have some fucking consideration.

tattychicken · 04/11/2016 06:52

Plus one invitations aren't for SO's, quite the opposite. If you're inviting established couples, then the invitation is to "Bob and Mary", if you're inviting someone with a new partner or who is single then the invitation is for "Mary plus one". This is just common courtesy.

At our wedding some people brought friends or siblings as a plus one. Some people declined to bring a plus one as they knew so many people there they were quite happy to come by themselves. This was possible as we had a low key wedding, in the UK, marquee crammed into my Mum's garden, booze from France. It was the easiest way to ensure that the vast majority of our friends and family could come and would have a good time, which in turn would make us happy.

If the wedding is abroad, expensive, and you are going to be by yourself I would not hesitate to decline. If the bride and groom have chosen such a wedding to suit their personal desires then they have to accept that some guests will decline the invitation as they have made it really rather difficult for them to attend.

ConvincingLiar · 04/11/2016 06:52

It doesn't sound like much fun so I would decline. I would say sorry, but I wouldn't explain unless pressed and then I'd say you don't have the time or money to spend 5+ days on your own in Italy.

gratesnakes · 04/11/2016 07:08

Big Brother in Tuscany 😁CraicDealer. Just don't go OP. Wish your friend well, politely decline and spend your hard-earned money on a proper holiday.

I can't think of anything worse than a three day wedding. I'm itching to leave after three hours. What are people thinking?

SheldonCRules · 04/11/2016 07:19

Just decline. There's no way I'd spend that much attending a wedding.

I hate weddings abroad, it's a way for the couple to pass the costs onto the guests. Unless one of the coupe is from another country then we simply send apologies.

Three days at a wedding sounds hell, most whole day ones are boring let alone three.

Whocansay · 04/11/2016 07:24

I would decline.

It's expensive.
She expects you to be there over 3 days, so it isn't even feasible to take a friend to go on holiday with.
She's rude.
This is using you annual leave and you may not get another holiday.

Stuff that. Why would you go in these circumstances?

Secretspillernamechange · 04/11/2016 08:01

IMO wedding invitations should always have a plus one unless it's a group of work colleagues or single family members where they will know the rest of the family.

No way I'd be going to this wedding OP, sod that! Spend your money on something you'll enjoy Smile

ZoeTurtle · 04/11/2016 08:04

YABVU

There are so many threads on here about unreasonable brides, but just as many with unreasonable guests who think they're entitled to an invite for their partner or think they should be able to dictate the guest list. Just no.

BirdInTheRoom · 04/11/2016 08:52

I think this is actually unfair of her. I wouldn't expect a good friend who was single to holiday alone so they could attend my wedding. I would politely decline (after a few weeks so it doesn't look like you're throwing your toys out of the pram. Either that or just go for two nights and attend the main event.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 04/11/2016 10:13

I wouldn't want to give up so much annual leave, spend that amount of money and be going backwards and forwards in isolation to be on my own at a three day event. It's not even as though you could share travel costs to and from your B and B, or have any company.

I wouldn't want to be your holiday partner either when you'd be spending so much time off at the wedding events and there's not much point in choosing that location and time if you don't attend it all, unless of course you're such close friends that missing the actual wedding day is unthinkable. If you were that close though, she'd be thinking about your enjoyment and comfort when it's costing you such a lot of time and money.