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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Destination Wedding and no plus one- AIBU

147 replies

VIX1307 · 03/11/2016 12:48

One of my good friends has invited me to her wedding next July, it is a destination wedding in Italy.
AIBU to be upset that she has not given me a plus one? I can understand more for a wedding based near home going alone, but I just feel a bit put out that I'm willing to spend hundreds of pounds to travel across countries to attend her wedding but she won't allow a plus one. This is likely to be my summer holiday too.
I am the only single person going (everyone else has been given a plus one as they have a SO) and therefore paying for a room on my own, where everyone else can obviously split the cost. I will have to travel alone and stay in a b&b.
I know two other people attending (one who will be on bridesmaid duty all day, plus her other half)
I brought it up with her and mentioned that it would actually be cheaper for me to pay myself for the extra head and then split the cost of a room with a friend or my sister. She said "except we don't want a randomer at our wedding".
What do you think?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/11/2016 13:26

People will say YABU but I agree with you. Unfortunately some people dont have the same morals or principles as others.

Hmm what has 'morals' got to do with it.

NapQueen · 03/11/2016 13:27

Just go for the night before and the night of the wedding and travel those days. That would save you 300. Plus spends.

needmymouthsewnup · 03/11/2016 13:28

We were limited for space at our wedding, so those who didn't have a SO didn't get a plus one although they fucking brought one anyway so I don't think it's too unreasonable.

Unless the 5 days are going to spent entirely with the wedding party, I'd be inclined to bring along a friend who just won't go to the ceremony and spend the rest of the time having a nice time with them. If you're expected to mingle with the B&G the whole time though, that might not work.

ThatStewie · 03/11/2016 13:31

Don't go. It's a lot of money and not very fun being by yourself. A friend should understand that it's simply not possible.

ENormaSnob · 03/11/2016 13:31

I wouldn't go tbh.

RepentAtLeisure · 03/11/2016 13:31

If you're good friends I think she's a bit rude not to allow that you could take your sister or a friend. As a summer wedding, it gives them a good 6 months to get acquainted!

I'd pull out too.

IScreamYouScream · 03/11/2016 13:32

Seriously op, tell her you can't go. Tell her you can't afford it/afford the leave if you must but don't be drawn into explaining yourself.

Would you really want to or afford to go even if you could take a plus one?

I think she needs to accept that a destination wedding means that people wont be able to make it and she should be gracious about it.

chicaguapa · 03/11/2016 13:37

Don't go.

Your friend isn't willing to be flexible to make it more affordable for you. Yes, it's her wedding and she can choose who to invite, but she can also choose to make it easier for her guests who are spending their money attending her wedding because she's chosen to get married in Italy.

Just state that you've no-one to go with and don't want to go alone due to costs. And wish her a good day.

expatinscotland · 03/11/2016 13:38

'I think I just feel slightly pressurized to go whether I can afford it or not! The room is nearly £100 a night so for 5 nights plus flights and extra spending money this is going to end up being close to a grand!'

Oh, fuck that! Fucking wanky beyond belief to expect anyone to attend a wedding like that, much less pressurise them to do so.

Decline! Save your money and holiday.

And no 'sorry'. Just 'Can't attend due to financial constraints.' If she doesn't understand that, she's not a friend and not worth keeping.

Foxysoxy01 · 03/11/2016 13:39

I have to say that sounds like a massive amount of money to spend attending someone else's wedding! Even for a best friend or family it sounds unreasonable.

Although I suppose it's what bride and groom want so fair enough but I would be declining the invite TBH.
Not being able to have a +1 is a bit rubbish when the wedding is abroad who will you travel with flying out and when there? Who will you spend any spare time with? I mean I like my own company as much as anyone else but would find it a bit lonely abroad and alone apart from the time bride and groom have something planned for you.

Jackiebrambles · 03/11/2016 13:41

Oh stuff all the other 'events', I'd just go for the main event.

Or I'd decline. If it meant staying alone and separate from the rest of the wedding guests then you aren't likely to enjoy it much.

tofutti · 03/11/2016 13:42

She said "except we don't want a randomer at our wedding

What a shitty answer. If someone said that to me, there's no way I would attend their wedding or give a present.

expatinscotland · 03/11/2016 13:43

Why spend hundreds of pounds just to go for the night or two? Your mate's a bridezilla.

Manumission · 03/11/2016 13:46

There was one girl but she's now got a new boyfriend so I think she's bringing him now...

He's not a 'randomer' then? Hmm

Rubies12345 · 03/11/2016 13:48

I think her response was rude. Why not just say we want to keep it close friends and family.

I wouldn't fork out all that money for this person. You won't be the only one declining.

diddl · 03/11/2016 13:49

She sounds horrible-I wouldn't go!

Most of my Oh's relatives were "randomers" to me on our wedding day, as were mine to him!

LadyStoic · 03/11/2016 13:52

Surely the other previous singleton who is now bringing new BF will also be 'bringing a randomer'? (nasty turn of phrase on her part).

Tell her you're now coupled up too (if that is the 'qualifying' factor) and then bring your friend Wink

Original poster
VIX1307 · 03/11/2016 13:53

Yes I was put out by the way she responded... it was even accompanied by crying with laughter emojis!

Yeah I mentioned the new boyfriend and she said "oh but this girls is (FI's) best friend", so that's why apparently...

OP posts:
Manumission · 03/11/2016 13:54

'bringing a randomer'? (nasty turn of phrase on her part)

It really, really is.

Tacky.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/11/2016 13:55

"It's an 'event' based over 3 days and then a day either side to relax."
Right. I asked about whether it was like this because you mentioned the cost of being there for five nights.

In that case, your friend is a cheeky fucker who has had an empathy bypass. Anyone who would ask one solitary singleton to turn up to a sea of couples where they knows only the bride and one other, and to hang around for five days (no doubt feeling increasingly lonely) needs to be slapped. She's inconsiderate and a pain in the arse.

Don't go. And reconsider whether she's a friend, because she sounds like a taker to me.

CosyCoupe88 · 03/11/2016 13:57

I wouldn't attend

Jackiebrambles · 03/11/2016 13:59

Oh sod her, tell her you can't make it.

OlennasWimple · 03/11/2016 14:04

Regretfully decline - as soon as wedding plans start to involve five day trips to another country, obviously some people won't be able to make it. It's a shame, as it's nice seeing your friends get married, but there it is

Obsidian77 · 03/11/2016 14:05

Don't go.
If you end up going you'll seethe with resentment from now until the wedding. For what she's expecting you to pay, you could have a fab holiday somewhere that's meaningful to you when it suits you.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 03/11/2016 14:07

She doesn't sound very considerate of her guests. Fair enough if there were other single people going but not if you are to do the whole 3 days of celebrations as a singleton!!

Surely as a good friend she would know your sister or the friend you would choose to bring anyway so she wouldn't be a randomer! How strange.

You could book a holiday with a friend nearby (assuming the wedding is in a lovely area) and literally just attend the wedding for one day and do your own thing with sister/friend for the rest of the week.