To Pay £850 for dsd's second accident this year

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Dsd 19 passed her test recently.Took 4 goes to get it. She was bought a car (not new, 09 plate) with money that dh and ex had put by for all kids for uni- but she is doing college and apprenticeship later instead. She doesn't need a car imho as we live in a large commuter village with great links. The deal is, that she has to insure, tax, repair and fuel it.

Day after her test she backed into someone's brand new car. Cosmetic damage to her bumper, other car came off worse. Last week told by her mum not a great idea to drive to this particular shop at rush hour as it's off a major motorway and she would have to negotiate a 5 lane off motorway roundabout. Advice ignored, she went with her friend. We understand possibly panicked and got into the wrong lane, then through a red light and hit the broadside of another car. It's an insurance job. Her excess is £850. She and her friend (and the other driver) were fine, just shaken.

She also had to have a new expensive part fitted (before the accident) her mum paid for -£250.

Cut to last night. Dh asks me what are we going to do about the insurance bill? I say it's her problem as per the agreement. She doesn't have £850...he says. She works pt for a vairy naice supermarket, so she will just have to do extra shifts in the lead up to Xmas, says I.

We agreed to have a chat with her (she usually lives at her mums but popped up. We also wanted to make sure she was ok, too). She comes in and starts on her birthday party plans... dh waffles about focus.....she starts looking at her phone, then doing her nails..and when I actually mention "where are you going to get the £850 to pay for the car?" ....shrug.....

When a plan is put about us paying and her setting up a direct debit for £200 per month ...by doing extra shifts the response is "what about my social life..??!!!"

I was mad..if she had, realising the cost of the repairs, got herself up and made arrangements to work extra shifts to try and make things good I would have been happy to give her the money, shit happens to kids.

Also...

She is going on a very expensive college trip early next year (NY) her gran has given her some of the money and it looks like her mum is lending her the rest.

When she left I was . At the shrug, the loss of social life comment, that she didn't even have the manners to listen when we weren't talking about her birthday.

Dh and I are now at loggerheads. He seems to think we have no choice but to pay for her. I disagree, she can use the bus ect. It does not get repaired until she can pay. To me, there appears no commitment by her to paying it back. In any event, I doubt the renewal will be affordable when it comes next year...

Husband waffling about focus to her...aibu to say focus on this - tough shit..you are an adult and adults have to go without a social life to pay the bills.

It's possible she did look in her side view mirror before trying to change lanes, but forgot that most of these windows come with a sign stating that the car shown is actually a lot closer than portrayed, and thought she would be OK and the other driver would let her in immediately she indicated, which begs the question, did she indicate?

Either way she does seem too blase about her driving. Her biological mum and dad are just encouraging her attitude by giving in to her and paying debts she as an adult should be responsible for. I agree with the other pp's that she should fund her own excess driving fees, or is she expecting it to come out of the uni fee fund her mum and dad set up, as she is not going to uni but college and an apprenticeship? I guess it depends on whether her siblings are much younger and she thinks she can utilize what is already in the fund.

Let's hope the police do take a dim view of her driving and give her a talking to, or charge her with an offence, so she does finally understand that a car is not only a vehicle to get you from one place to another but also a weapon in the wrong hands. Like hers!

Both accidents have happened whilst she's had friends in the car - if I were you I'd be publicising this fact to all of her friends and their parents. Infantilising it may be, but if she's going to be driving again any time soon then at least that may mitigate the chances of it happening again. As PPs have said, next time the consequences could be severe.

I passed my test at 17 but wasn't a very good driver until my 20s. I was never dangerous though, just a bit nervous

Similar to me - I passed my test at 18 but had an accident when I was 19 (managed to skid and do a 180 degree turn on a motorway in the rain and dark, fortunately with no injuries and minimal damage to my car and the other car involved) and didn't drive for two years afterwards. I still don't like driving on motorways or in the dark so avoid it as much as possible.

I think taking an advanced driving course would be a very good idea. So would getting an automatic. You can do the advanced driving course with an automatic.

And no to bailing her out. Even if she only pays you back £50 a month she should cover the excess.

If it were me I would talk to the mum and see what her view on it is. If she is willing to pay half and your DH is willing to pay half then I don;t think you can do anything about it. However if mum agrees with you that she needs to learn a lesson then teach her it. Car gets fixed but she cannot use it until she has paid for the damage. If she is not willing to pay for the damage or do any extra work to pay it off then car gets sold. end of.

I would add that you probably should have bought a rust bucket for her first car. An 09 plate for a first car is too much.

I think she sounds like she's easily distracted! Yes, she should pay for the excess. Tough shit social life. My mum and dad paid for all my lessons but I bought my first car, taxed and insured it. I never felt my parents were tight with money then taught me responsibility.

Frankly as an adult she should be able to find a way to pay for it herself. She has exactly the same options as any other working adult. DH's idea that you both "have no choice" is ridiculous. Of course there is another choice - let her sort her life out herself. What does DH think happens to 19 year old adults who's parents don't have £850 to pay the excess?!

If you CHOOSE to help her in this difficult situation (ie a large unexpected bill), I probably would make a condition that she needs to organise and pay for advanced driving lessons for herself, or have them as a Christmas gift if she would prefer. I would calmly explain to her (and DH if necessary) that I would not be happy helping to fund her driving if it is likely to kill / injure her or someone else.