To Pay £850 for dsd's second accident this year

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Dsd 19 passed her test recently.Took 4 goes to get it. She was bought a car (not new, 09 plate) with money that dh and ex had put by for all kids for uni- but she is doing college and apprenticeship later instead. She doesn't need a car imho as we live in a large commuter village with great links. The deal is, that she has to insure, tax, repair and fuel it.

Day after her test she backed into someone's brand new car. Cosmetic damage to her bumper, other car came off worse. Last week told by her mum not a great idea to drive to this particular shop at rush hour as it's off a major motorway and she would have to negotiate a 5 lane off motorway roundabout. Advice ignored, she went with her friend. We understand possibly panicked and got into the wrong lane, then through a red light and hit the broadside of another car. It's an insurance job. Her excess is £850. She and her friend (and the other driver) were fine, just shaken.

She also had to have a new expensive part fitted (before the accident) her mum paid for -£250.

Cut to last night. Dh asks me what are we going to do about the insurance bill? I say it's her problem as per the agreement. She doesn't have £850...he says. She works pt for a vairy naice supermarket, so she will just have to do extra shifts in the lead up to Xmas, says I.

We agreed to have a chat with her (she usually lives at her mums but popped up. We also wanted to make sure she was ok, too). She comes in and starts on her birthday party plans... dh waffles about focus.....she starts looking at her phone, then doing her nails..and when I actually mention "where are you going to get the £850 to pay for the car?" ....shrug.....

When a plan is put about us paying and her setting up a direct debit for £200 per month ...by doing extra shifts the response is "what about my social life..??!!!"

I was mad..if she had, realising the cost of the repairs, got herself up and made arrangements to work extra shifts to try and make things good I would have been happy to give her the money, shit happens to kids.

Also...

She is going on a very expensive college trip early next year (NY) her gran has given her some of the money and it looks like her mum is lending her the rest.

When she left I was . At the shrug, the loss of social life comment, that she didn't even have the manners to listen when we weren't talking about her birthday.

Dh and I are now at loggerheads. He seems to think we have no choice but to pay for her. I disagree, she can use the bus ect. It does not get repaired until she can pay. To me, there appears no commitment by her to paying it back. In any event, I doubt the renewal will be affordable when it comes next year...

Husband waffling about focus to her...aibu to say focus on this - tough shit..you are an adult and adults have to go without a social life to pay the bills.

Can you ask her where is she thinks the money for the insurance renewal will come from? Maybe sit her down in front of a computer and do some sample renewal calculations with her to give her an idea about the huge increase?
Your DH is totally unreasonable. You sound like the voice of reason while he indulges her but if you don't want to look like a mean Cinderella's stepmother, take the back seat and let your DH handle it for now, if you can afford the 850 pounds. But be firm about the next year's renewal.

Maybe get the car repaired, sell it and buy something cheaper. An 09 car is still worth a fair bit and worth more than what she needs considering all these crashes. You can still get a safe modern-ish car (10-12 years old) for less than £1k and third party only insurance so if she wrecks it, just scrap and buy a new one, or drive it dented if the damage is only cosmetic - have a look at some 02-05 plate cars for sale, there's nothing wrong with them.

When I was a new teen driver, everyone drove 10+ year old cars that were sheddy wrecks, but 10 year old cars these days can look almost brand new and have all the safety features.

I wouldn't be paying for it.

The deal was she does tax, insurance, fuel and repairs So it's tough!

I'd question if she should even be on the road, 2 accidents in such a short space of time is not good really. Next time she could well hurt somebody

2 accidents already. How does she still have her licence ?
I wouldn't pay for the car to be fixed, she is a danger on the roads. Next time she could do serious harm to someone.

£850 is a ridiculously huge excess though and really not what you need as a new driver who is more likely to have accidents. I'm not sure my car was even worth £850 at that age lol.

And this is exactly why young drivers have to pay a lot for insurance and a high excess, because they ARE more likely to have accidents.

Next time she could kill herself. Her parents need to face this fact.

She should lose the car and pay for the damage and some extra lessons. And unless she can pay the insurance next time (unlikely) she doesn't get to drive.

Tell your DH that if he wants to pay any further car related costs it'll have to come out of the money he and his ex saved together for their kids for uni that they used to buy her the damn car in the first place.

She ran a red light, she sounds like a bloody liability.

Once the person who she bumped into puts in their claim for personal injury it'll be impossible to insure her when it's renewa time. Her insurance will cost more than the car itself.

Honestly she's not good enough to drive yet. I wouldn't pay one pence towards the repairs.

OP , show ur partner and her mum this thread.

If you are going to pay for anything, it should be extra driving lessons.
She sounds very spoilt and entitled - the most loving thing you and her parents can do is to teach her some responsibility. Will they continue to pay her rent when she's 35 and still holding onto her social life?

If they insist on paying for her (shame on them), then you insist that it comes solely out of your husbands personal money - this should have no impact on your finances what so ever. After that, pray for the poor souls on the road with your Dsd.

How badly damaged was the car that she reversed into?

Is that why the excess is so high?

Has she also got points or some penalty for going through a red light?

I think that she should have lost her license or have been made to have more lessons.

Don't bail her out

She needs to learn that her actions have consequences

Pay for some advanced driving lessons for Christmas present!... She sounds like a liability on the road

I agree with you but I'm not sure how much of a say you get tbh. Will her mum pay it? If your DH wants to pay it, whose money if he planning to use? Joint money? Or does she have any money left over from this uni fund?

She sounds unsafe and I'd be incredibly surprised if she can afford to get insured again as a teen on a low wage.

Does she use her phone while driving? It sounds she doesn't really concentrate on the task of piloting a potentially lethal weapon while travelling around.

Mobile phone use and distracted driving in general is the current big safety issue and if she doesn't sort herself out, she is either going to kill herself, someone else, or lose her licence at the very least and if that happens she will have to pass her test again and probably face massively increased insurance costs.

Missed that she ran a red light.

Did she really? Did she not get any points for that?

This is so difficult - I think most people would agree with you (certainly going by this thread!) but say anything and you come across like the proverbial wicked stepmother.

I'd put it to DH that this is for his daughter to pay, if for no other reason than that she needs to learn to prioritise her own safety. If the way to do that is having her slog through extra shifts at work to hammer home the message, so be it.

I'd also be insisting on an advanced driving course, as I think she'd really benefit.

My first car was a 1985 Mercedes - in 2003 . Everyone else at my posh school had a new Mini or Toyota, I had a hunk of metal that wouldn't do 50mph going down a mineshaft with a backwind behind it. I hated my dad for saying "It's this or nothing" but, you know what, he was right. I'm now an excellent driver. I've since upgraded to a 1996 Mercedes.

I would say, she has a bill of £850, she can work & pay you back, (direct debit) or the car will be sold to repay.
her call

She should get rid of the car and take more lessons. She is a danger to herself and others. You do not want her to die, seriously injure herself or others.
In some EU countries accidents where driver is at fault in the first year after passing a test mean the licence is revoked automatically and driver has to retake. We should introduce that to UK.

She sounds quite dangerous. And rather rude.

sounds like she shouldntbe on the road-if someone was hurt it would be more serious than her excess

going through a red light isnt down to confusion its downright reckless

and no i dont think u should bail her out sounds like she couldnt care less about consequence

I wouldn't pay for her on the grounds that I wouldn't want her driving - she's unsafe and could kill herself or others. I'm amazed your husband wants her to drive now. Better to leave it a couple of years until she's more mature.

I bet her excess is in part that high because as she arranged her own insurance it was cheaper for her.

She sounds dangerous. I would tell her she either pays you back as per your suggestion or she gets rid of the car. She clearly doesn't need it and is a bad driver.

How can she have got to age 19 and have so little respect?

Btw don't get drawn into 'cutting back' on her birthday which I suspect will be her next approach - she's had a car and a trip to NY so anything approaching the amount owed would be an obscene amount to pay.

Has your DH said anything about the risk she obviously poses to other road users OP?

Or her self-centred attitude?

(I offer the either/or situation only because her actual parents don't seem to want to make her live up to any consequences. If it was my child I would not pay it and I would sell the car).

"He seems to think we have no choice but to pay for her."
I think you need to persuade him that by doing so he is doing her no favours. He is not looking after her/enabling her growth/whatever way he sells it to himself. What he is doing is infantilising her, keeping her a child dependent on her parents to bail her out out, and that that is essentially a selfish stand for him to take, keeping his daughter as 'his little girl'. She's 19, and a good parent would stand back and let her make her own mistakes and work out herself how to correct them, only by taking responsibility for our mistakes do we grow and potentially improve blah blah blah I'm sure you get the gist.

I'd also stress that the time to stand back is now, when the only damage to date has been to inanimate objects, how would he feel if he enabled her to continue as she is and her next accident involved injury or death? How would he feel, knowing he had enabled it? What effect would it have on his darling daughter knowing she had done that to another person (or herself), how could he even think of letting her sleepwalk into such a situation, does he really not love her after all, just wants a quiet life by giving her what she says she wants rather than what a loving parent would do and give her what she needs, which in this case is a reality check? I might lay that one on with a trowel.

Make it NOT about the money, but about her and truly taking care of her, helping her into adulthood rather than keeping her a child with no responsibilities. He'll have a far harder time arguing against that.

It seems to me that some non-resident parents fear that disciplining a child the way they would if they were resident is a risk; that the child can 'retaliate' by reducing contact etc. I can respect their fear, but not their way of dealing with it by becoming the fun/soft/Disney parent. It gives the child unreasonable expectations of the wider world, thinking they can make it dance to their tune. It's really quite an unkind way to treat a child, because it's really for the benefit of the parent and not the child.