To Pay £850 for dsd's second accident this year

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Dsd 19 passed her test recently.Took 4 goes to get it. She was bought a car (not new, 09 plate) with money that dh and ex had put by for all kids for uni- but she is doing college and apprenticeship later instead. She doesn't need a car imho as we live in a large commuter village with great links. The deal is, that she has to insure, tax, repair and fuel it.

Day after her test she backed into someone's brand new car. Cosmetic damage to her bumper, other car came off worse. Last week told by her mum not a great idea to drive to this particular shop at rush hour as it's off a major motorway and she would have to negotiate a 5 lane off motorway roundabout. Advice ignored, she went with her friend. We understand possibly panicked and got into the wrong lane, then through a red light and hit the broadside of another car. It's an insurance job. Her excess is £850. She and her friend (and the other driver) were fine, just shaken.

She also had to have a new expensive part fitted (before the accident) her mum paid for -£250.

Cut to last night. Dh asks me what are we going to do about the insurance bill? I say it's her problem as per the agreement. She doesn't have £850...he says. She works pt for a vairy naice supermarket, so she will just have to do extra shifts in the lead up to Xmas, says I.

We agreed to have a chat with her (she usually lives at her mums but popped up. We also wanted to make sure she was ok, too). She comes in and starts on her birthday party plans... dh waffles about focus.....she starts looking at her phone, then doing her nails..and when I actually mention "where are you going to get the £850 to pay for the car?" ....shrug.....

When a plan is put about us paying and her setting up a direct debit for £200 per month ...by doing extra shifts the response is "what about my social life..??!!!"

I was mad..if she had, realising the cost of the repairs, got herself up and made arrangements to work extra shifts to try and make things good I would have been happy to give her the money, shit happens to kids.

Also...

She is going on a very expensive college trip early next year (NY) her gran has given her some of the money and it looks like her mum is lending her the rest.

When she left I was . At the shrug, the loss of social life comment, that she didn't even have the manners to listen when we weren't talking about her birthday.

Dh and I are now at loggerheads. He seems to think we have no choice but to pay for her. I disagree, she can use the bus ect. It does not get repaired until she can pay. To me, there appears no commitment by her to paying it back. In any event, I doubt the renewal will be affordable when it comes next year...

Husband waffling about focus to her...aibu to say focus on this - tough shit..you are an adult and adults have to go without a social life to pay the bills.

Thanks all. I think I am just about there and have got a plan in my head which hopefully supports, educates and ensures she grows up and shows some respect. I am the major wage earner at the moment, which is probably why I have had to be so involved. Joint finances, we have been married 9 years, so I am embedded in the family.

We will lend her the money but it will be like any other debt. No offsetting against Christmas or birthdays (you can't do that with your gas bill, mate). She won't get it until she has set up a direct debit on the day she is paid. I need to see her payslip to discuss a reasonable payment plan and have suggested just under a third of her take home pay

On Xmas morning when her sister is opening parcels with Mac cosmetics and a tickets to a gig she wanted, knick knacks and the like ..she will be opening one envelope- for a pass plus course - from the whole family - DM GMa aunts etc.

Remember she is an adult too, you shouldn't have to pay but if I was 19 and I had a step mum that tried to make me go on a course I would be a bit

It's her problem so just let her sort it out

Fwiw I wouldn't pay a penny, no loans. Let her deal with it. She's adult enough to drive, adult enough to smash the motor up, let her sort herself out.

I try not to judge (she says!) but even if she has the car repairs and starts back driving I would be forbidding my DC to get in the car with her for a long time

Doinitfine..yes she did have that option but she really didn't want to lose her years of no claims

People do some crazy things to keep their no claims bonus.

I think that the Xmas present may be a step too far, and I am draconian!

How much are those courses? Would it be affordable to give it to her just from you and her dad rather than the whole family?

It just seems like you are punishing her by withdrawing Xmas. Now either she is an adult or she isnt. If she is and you expect her to stand on her own 2 feet then the consequences of the accident financially, both now and in future increased premiums/potential points etc is punishment enough.

Would you punish your husband that way, or expect him to do that to you?

You are edging dangerously close to "wicked stepmother" with that......

I think you're handling it perfectly OP. There needs to be at least one parent with their head screwed on and the balls to show some tough love.

Her birth parents are not helping her to become a responsible adult - they're just indulging her whims.
I think it won't be long before she racks up those 6 points once she starts driving again.

She needs to learn living within her means - i.e what her wage covers.
She is not being 'punished' re xmas.....she's already had over £800 quid spent on her for her. It would be grossly unfair to others if she got even more spent on her - or does it again become the op's job/responsibility to finance that?

This girl is a menace on the road, and until she learns how to drive safely, then she shouldn;t be allowed behind the wheel of a car. If it means that her christmas present is a road safety course, then that is fair, because it's a gift of how to actually drive a vehicle on the road and not kill another human being.

In response to those suggesting selling the car and buying one 10 years old, car insurers don't often seem to offer as big a discount for teenagers with older vehicles as you might think. Perhaps because they are less safe than newer cars?

Pass plus is a good idea, I did it
My deal was I drove an old car for a year, no points, no parking tickets, no accidents
I then got a newer car
Strangely I had no accidents until 17 years later when I got rear ended and then 5 months later skidded on a wet road and hit a parked car

dont I don't think they should finance the insurance excess, but they shouldn't be giving her driving courses for Christmas either. She got herself in this shit she can dig herself back out.

Stupid spoilt cow shouldn't be on the road at all by the sound of it.

And no I absolutely would not bail her out.

It's still a plan.

The money thing has to happen and I am resolved to as she can't sell the car with the current damage. It's all pending when her renewal is due and she will probably have to sell it anyway as her insurance will be through the roof.

If it isn't obvious, I will spell it out- she is very immature (funny, that) and it's hard for me to think of her as an adult.

Thanks for the support. I have no kids so mostly what I do and am asked to do by dh and his exw is not instinct but objective. I sound like a saint...actually, it's normally me asking how can I least f*ck this up.

The Xmas thing can wait for me to calm down. I am giving myself a .

She needs to learn responsibility. If you bail her out now she will do it again and expect to be bailed out again and will never learn.

EN that was too far. Not nice at all.

Awwww taxi!

Tbh if it's going to affect the finances then obviously you have a right to an opinion on it all.

Brutally though, she should have to sort this on her own. It's really not your problem.

Sorry affect your finances

If she went through a red light then the police might well get involved and, at best, charge her with driving without due care and attention.

That is a good result. Worse would be if she'd gone through and hit a child.

She's a fucking liability. If she killed one of my surviving children, I'd see her in hell if it were the last thing I did on this Earth. Your husband is a wet girl's blouse and an idiot. I would pay FA. I hope they take her license away since she's on probation, and this can happen if there is CCTV footage, police involvement. I'd sue the living fuck out of her if I were the person she hit and make her life as close to a living hell as possible because irresponsible gits behind the wheel make my blood boil. I hope people she hit go Rottweiler on her.

We don't really know that she is spoilt or expecting anyone to pay for the damage. She may just have shrugged because she really has no idea how to pay and perhaps realises that she may have to stop driving. Perhaps after the last accident she has gone off it anyway. I think the person in the wrong is OP's DH.

Seriously, this twit went through a red light within a few weeks of getting her licence. I've been driving for twenty years and never driven through a red light. It's not that hard. See an orange or red light.... slow down and stop. If she can't even remember that part of basic driving considerations, then get the fuck off the road.

For now my biggest concern would be how to pay for more driving lessons for her. She could kill herself or another person.

She needs to do a driver's course well before Christmas and also before she causes another accident.

My car got broadsided some years back and there was police involvement post accident. After the collision with my car, the other driver lost all control of the vehicle and shot from one side of the road to the other. It then mounted the pavement (fortunately no-one was about) and ended up in the side of a house (which caused a lot of internal structural damage as well as taking the homeowner to hospital due to shock).

The driver of the other car was not prosecuted as it was deemed "not to be in the public interest". She got points and a mandatory invitation to a two day driver's awareness course.

Your DSD is certainly looking at a driver/speed awareness course as well as a possible court appearance. She cannot and must not be at all bailed out by anyone here.