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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send thank you cards from my children

157 replies

Badgoushk · 02/11/2016 20:05

...and expect at least an acknowledgment of gifts?

I'm 39 so not terribly old but I wonder if I'm being old fashioned?

Background: I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and whenever they receive gifts I always send a thank you card. I intend to do this until they can write their own. Is this weird? I thought it was standard stuff but we never ever receive cards ourselves from other children/parents. In fact, I would say that 75% of the time, we don't even get a text to say thank you either or even a verbal thank you next time we meet.

AIBU?

OP posts:
vegmum21 · 03/11/2016 14:16

I think as long as you get a thank you what does it matter what form it's in? I wouldn't expect someone to spend money on a thank you card just because I sent them a gift.
If I do receive a thank you card personally I just throw it away, I really don't see the point especially if I've given them the gift in person and already had a thank you off them in person.

Meluzyna · 03/11/2016 14:17

I was brought up to write thank you letters and tried to teach my kids to do the same, but now they're aduts I have no control over it.
However, I'm tagging on to ask a subsidiary question: the family into which I have married seems to think that an acknowledgment of a birthday card (no present, just a card by post) is necessary and my o/h has occasionally said "haven't you thanked my sister for your birthday card yet?". This doesn't seem natural to me - next time I speak to or see her I will thank you for remembering my birthday or comment on the card, but not otherwise : what does MN think?

YuckYuckEwwww · 03/11/2016 14:17

If it's a childrens party: the party bags or kid at door being made to say "thank you for coming is the thank you for coming and for any gifts brought

If a gift is given in person and opened on the spot, a verbal thank you is the thank you

YABVU if you think the thank you needs to be duplicated by sending a thank you card as well

YANBU if you're talking about posted presents where the sender is left wondering it if ever even arrived!

I either make my kids write thank yous or I take a pic of them with the present and send/message/tag that as the thank you if they get presents in the post

If they have a party and have thanked everyone at the door and given out party bags it's overkill to do it twice with cards swell.

If they got a present in person and thanked the person at the time, again it's silly overkill to duplicate that with a thank you card!

YuckYuckEwwww · 03/11/2016 14:19

what does MN think? I do text or email or facebook to thank people for my birthday cards, not for christmas cards. Or anniversay cards because I just find them so WEIRD!

LadyStoic · 03/11/2016 14:19

'Bread and butter' letters after a meal or stay at friends and family seem to have dropped by the wayside but we shall continue to keep this habit alive.

That is SO going in the Janet and Roy round robin I'm writing for another MN'er Grin

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 03/11/2016 14:20

I wouldn't expect a card personally- I mean, what do you do with it? However, a verbal 'thank you ' is always nice. I've noticed at a few kids' parties I've gone to, there's a tendency to expect gifts to be dumped on a table/in a separate room with no acknowledgement whatsoever. If DS and I have spent time choosing a present, we'd at least like to hand the gift to the recipient , not just be directed to a present mountain! I'm not expecting gushing thanks, but just acknowledgement that we brought one.

BigGrannyPants · 03/11/2016 14:20

It's something I always mean to do but never quite manage it. I've even wrote them out, put them in an envelope with names and addresses on and still never got round to sending them. I wouldn't be offended not to receive one after giving a gift. I think it's just preference

YuckYuckEwwww · 03/11/2016 14:28

"there's a tendency to expect gifts to be dumped on a table/in a separate room with no acknowledgement whatsoever."

People dribble in throughout kids parties, it's not fair on the birthday kid to have to miss all the fun because they have to be on hand to take presents from hands and turn and put them on present table as people arrive in dribs and drabs.

The party bags are the acknowledgement//thank you, that's what they're for, alternatively kid at door thanking as people leave

Verbena37 · 03/11/2016 14:31

Any type of thank you is fine by me.....but rude if no thank you.
My SIL used to do little notes after we bought them gifts but then just stopped. We don't live near them so for all I know, they didn't even get the gifts by post. All I want is to know they there and a little thanks.

When kids can write their own notes, or text or call etc, they should. I now feel resentful putting any effort into our niece and nephews gifts because we never get a thank you!

Mamatallica · 03/11/2016 14:33

I think it's polite and would expect it but I'm not offended when I don't get them. I have just done them for my baby though and it's cost a fortune, 50 cards from vistaprint and around 35 stamps (hand delivered as many as possible), I'm thinking I can't keep up that level of expense, it's lovely that he got so many presents but I'm hoping it's just because he's new and it won't be quite so intense at Christmas and birthdays. We don't have room for all the stuff either!

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/11/2016 14:35

I intensely dislike the fashion for thank you cards from children in situations where you wouldn't expect them from adults (e.g. gifts handed over in person at a party or at Christmas) or the insistance on cards instead of a verbal thank you. It seems like yet another way for British culture to kill all the joy in life, especially for children.

But for gifts sent over a distance I think it's great to help teach kids how to maintain connections by using the gift as a springboard to more communication. I don't care if that's a card, phone call or FB message though.

YuckYuckEwwww · 03/11/2016 14:35

I do get offended when there's tumbleweed after a posted gift, actually, I'm not all that zen about that.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/11/2016 14:45

don't worry I get this from adults as well and I just find it rude. DB's IL's (who we get presents for at Christmas etc) always send them thank you card but get nothing in return. They're quite middle/upper class too and nice. I just find it rude. not even a text

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 03/11/2016 14:47

yuck. A fair point. I get a bit excited about present buying, is all, but yeah, it does make sense.

AutumnalLeaves38 · 03/11/2016 14:48

As a former Nanny, it's still one of my greatest pleasures to receive little thank you notes/ hand-drawn pictures from small kids I've helped care for over the years. They are all appreciated, and, because I'm a sentimental old fool, many are still treasured away for years. Am perfectly happy to be emailed/ texted/ phoned instead by the older ones.

It's a great way to track their development as they grow (ditto friends' children, Nieces etc.) and a nice way to keep in touch. Surely basic good manners, too?

I also agree with posters who like reassurance that the gifts have actually safely arrived in the first place. (I'm looking at you, Royal Mail...).

5moreminutes · 03/11/2016 15:18

At kids parties we always make a massive game of present opening - each guest hides their present as they come in, then once everyone has arrived they play hot/cold to find the present, which is taken to the coffee table, admired by all, the recipient thanks the giver publicly, then left there on display while the next one is sought for.

There is just as much exclamation by all over a box of maltesers ("oh I love those! Etc as a more expensive present invariably, the kids remember who gave them what off their own bat, and it is approximately 7 million times more fun than opening the present ling after the party, adding who gave what to a thank you letter list (if there is any way of telling by then who each thing is from) and dutifully writing out a dreary thank you letter to suck as much joy as possible out of whatever little item it is.

5moreminutes · 03/11/2016 15:20

LadyStoic :o

5moreminutes · 03/11/2016 15:24

Meluzyna I think sending specific thanks for a card is insane personally.

"Have you thanked my sister for your birthday card yet?" is patronising beyond belief - in fact I advise you to LTB then write him a formal thank you letter for making it clear what a smarmy patronising prat he is Grin ... OK I'm joking not I'm not

Ilovenannyplum · 03/11/2016 15:27

My mum always insisted that we sent them and at 28, I still do.
My DS is 2 and I send them on his behalf but I include a little scribbly drawing from him inside

I think it's a polite thing to do and will insist that DS continues to send them as he gets older

claraschu · 03/11/2016 15:31

5moreminutes that is a brilliant idea.

My kids used to get very disappointed if they didn't get to see their friend open their carefully chosen gift. It's not much fun for another kid to get a dutiful: "Thank you for the present. Thank you for coming to my party " type card.

It is also good practice for the party child to thank people enthusiastically as they open the gift- a useful skill for later life.

MauiWest · 03/11/2016 15:36

We send thank you cards when we don't see someone face to face. I really don't understand the point when you have already thanked someone in person.

Hygellig · 03/11/2016 15:54

I only send a card (or email) if the gift wasn't given in person.

Our niece and nephew always send cards. I wouldn't mind if they didn't, as we always see them when giving the gift. If their parents are adamant they need to do a thank you note, I would rather they just emailed or texted given the price of stamps.

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/11/2016 16:04

YANBU - you are being polite.

I did that until my boys could write and now they do it. Even the 18 year old at uni and the 24 year old, living away from home and working, does it still.

gleam · 03/11/2016 16:22

This is very alien to me. I wasn't brought up doing it and so I haven't made my kids do it either.

It just seems so joyless and a huge imposition on someone.

If I give a gift, I give it to make someone happy. It's not a transaction where I can expect a dutiful fake card back.

YuckYuckEwwww · 03/11/2016 16:45

If I give a gift, I give it to make someone happy
Yeah but don't you wanna at least know it arrived?

Opening presents at the party are fine for home parties with a handful of friends, not at all practical when you've got a glass of 30 and a hall you can only inhabit for 2 hours.

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