to feel discriminated against at work for not having children???

[chicdiana1980]

I was accidentally copied into an email at work yesterday and I am really thinking about going to some kind of tribunal about this. I was feeling p*ssed off already but this is the tip of the iceburg!

to give you a background, I work for a fairly small company, office based. Pretty much everyone else in the office has children, and they are mostly young children. I don't have any children, and I am happy with this, but I feel like I get the brunt of it at work.

It seems like noone ever questions people when they take extra time off if they just say it's because of their children. Mostly it's leaving early pretty much every day to pick up children from school. Others who don't do this have 'parents evenings' or school plays or things, or get in late after the 'school run,' always laughing about how it's so stressful and that's I'm lucky. Sick days when the children are sick - how is this fair? Sick days are for the employee, not for employee and any family.

There has to be cover for the whole day, so it is usually me who ends up having to stay until the end, or get in early, so that someone is there. I regularly have to stay late as the colleagues who fly off at 3:30 to school leaves work that needs to be done. They say that they make it up in the mornings or at other times, but it's really no help.

Anyway, this has been going on for years now and I got to the stage where I thought I would just have to accept it as one of those things. But I was copied into an email (accidentally) which was obviously a round robin which had been going around my colleagues and the last person sent it to the entire office, not just their 'select group' (the select group being pretty much everyone but me). They were talking about who was going to be leaving early - and essentially they all were, leaving someone to say 'so who's gonna cover until the end ;),' and the last person said 'guess who. it's not like she has anything else to do anyway!'

I am seriously furious about this. I don't work Wednesdays but I am seriously considering going straight to ACAS or someone (our office is so small there is no real HR department) to make a complaint about this. I have been in tears for most of the morning - but before I do anything, would it be unreasonable to do this?

wheatchief yes completely agree with that

The other parent I work with is slower than a sloth and does as little as possible. I wish being a parent made people better workers!

I think the main issue here is that the flexitimers aren't making up their hours and it is affecting your workload. You need to complain about this and if it is meaning you are regularly working overtime I would request to be paid for it. It's great that the workplace is parent friendly but they shouldn't be making the extra work your problem. I think the issue is more that they are pisstakers rather than them being parents. I've certainly worked in offices in my time where I've had to pick up the slack from people who were physically there but just not doing any work. If management are allowing that to go on you need to go above them or things won't change.

Many working parents, and single parents in particular, go above and beyond in the hours that they are available. Even though they may be technically working less hours than the childless person sitting next to them, they can achieve more, and be more focused as they aware of their other obligations and how this impacts on their work. This is because they are parents.

So they should be part-time workers and take home the pay of a part-timer?

OP, do your co-workers ever cover for each other?

I agree with a lot of what the OP is saying. I always accommodate working parents but sometimes it does feel very unfair. For instance if a parent has to leave early because a child is sick and I'm the only one that can pick up the work. And I wanted to leave at my contracted time because I've got plans but I have literally no choice but to stay later because the parent had to leave. And I'd feel awful saying I can't stay because I know their child is the priority but it's always me who has to cancel plans or adapt.

Working in the NHS; when I worked on wards I worked every Christmas day and was expected to because 'Christmas day is for kids'; even for late teenage 'kids'!. Now I work in an NHS mon-fri bank holidays off, 9-5 job it's still the same as I work every Xmas eve (that falls on a weekday) as the parents want to spend Xmas eve with their children and finishing at about 3pm (which we do on Xmas eve as a once a year occasion) isn't enough for them. I don't have kids but I have a family and friends and would like to be able to do things too!.

And now it's not just parents but Grandparents who can 'phone in the morning and say they can't come in because the childcare for the Grandchildren has fallen through and the parents CAN'T take a day off. So I have to pick up someone else's work again. And often, they get carers leave. My uncle died and lived hundreds of miles away so I travelled up to support my aunt for two days and had to take it as annual leave as he wasn't immediate family. But a Grandparent can take paid carers leave to go to the zoo!. Those kind of scenarios do lead to resentment.

And you become used to people thinking it's fine for you to do all this because their children take priority and you don't have children. And I really agree that children take priority but it's annoying after a while. Particularly if you need to take last minute leave which is refused but a parent requesting it for childcare has to always be accommodated.

And a couple of my colleagues do really take the piss. 'My wife can't pick up the kids on Friday so I need to pick them up and work from home for the afternoon' and the next day they tell you they picked the kids up and went to TGI Fridays.

BeMorePanda - in the OP's case, it doesn't matter if the working parents in the office are fitting their full workload into the hours that they do, because the office has to have physical cover during all working hours, and the OP seems to be picking up all of the slack to cover for the flexible working arrangements that the working parents need. That is not fair or reasonable - and the attitude towards the OP demonstrated in the email is pretty shitty.

Flexible working is a good thing - for parents and for other workers too. And you'll get no argument from me that it is difficult, juggling parenthood and all its demands alongside a job, and that it is beneficial for employers and employees to do what they can to to help with this.

But the burden of helping parents should not fall on one person, nor is it reasonable to assume that childless workers have nothing better to do than to cover whenever needed, with no thanks and no time off in lieu or payment for the extra work they do.

I think that non-parents are discriminated against - perhaps not in a legal sense, but certainly in the sense that work can be expected to bend over backwards for people who need to change plans because of children - sure, children are more important for their parents, but it leaves the people without children having to pick up the slack, and we have to cover because our colleagues chose to have children. I'm all for chipping in and helping each other out at work but I am pretty tired of parents always getting first refusal -- where I work August is pretty much a no-go for me, even if I put my holiday request in as early as possible I'm always told that they have to give first refusal to the parents as the children will be off then. Of course, the parents never refuse.

It was really interesting to read your side too Thisjustinno

I work full time, split 50/50 between being in the office or on the road. I am always in work before my start time as I have arranged my childcare to enable this. Dh picks ds up from nursery as he finishes earlier than I do and it would be a very rare occasion where I would have to leave early to collect him. I do work well over my contracted hours though so I don't worry about finishing early once in a while. Your colleagues are clearly taking the piss with your employer and honestly I can't believe an employer would put up with employees regularly leaving early or coming in late because of their children. Sick days are a nightmare and I am allowed 1 day to sort out alternative childcare if he's poorly. Not ideal and I don't get paid for that day. The email was unbelievably rude. You need to discuss this with your manager.

Do they have to give first refusal to parents? My dh can never get time off in the holidays and often has to work Christmas because other colleagues have wanted it off (some without kids). He has had one Christmas off I think but they share it around. Even people without kids often travel to see family at Christmas or want to go abroad in August etc so they should be able to.

Do they have to give first refusal to parents

No, they are choosing to.

My DH work and mine in the past have always been first come first served.

It is ridiculous of say parents should have first refusal. What if the OPs partner worked in education for eg, they would never have any time off together.

I really think if you can op I'd get a job if you're not happy going forward.

Actually I remember in a recent job I worked with a mother who became a grandmother whilst I was there. She worked a 4 day week but majorly took the piss, lived one train stop or 20 mins bus ride from work and if she was late we knew about it. I lived 40 mins to 1 hour 2 train rides away and sometimes couldn't get in when we had severe snow yet her complaints (I had steep hills at my end! She was flat ground) seemed to compete with mine. Also left early when she could and all afternoon boozy lunchbreaks with my boss... Twice a week!

She also monopolised Christmas and Easter but luckily as a law firm we shut down during that period so no squabbles there. Certainly knew about her "stressful life as a wife and mum" compared to mine tho her kids all green up 2 had left home and only 1 was in latter years of primary school. She was quite good re time off for his parents evenings.

She also left early when she could but didn't tell me just fucked off early!

You should refuse to cover for them. From now on, you work your hours, and if work doesn't get done because other people can't work their hours, so be it. Leave early when you need to, take time off when you need to. If this causes problems, if work doesn't get done, maybe the place needs more staff.

Keep that email and keep a record of who takes time off, how often you are expected to work late and how often others work late.

Take legal advice by all means but I would suggest you raise it within the company before, for example, thinking about a tribunal. It will help your case if you are seen to have tried to solve the issue internally.

I think ChocolateWombat's post is absolutely spot on.

Years ago, it was me that used to swap shifts and provide cover for parents. I didn't have kids myself and I could be flexible. I didn't mind: the unspoken agreement was that, when my turn came, the younger workers would cover for me. So it had been for years and so it would continue to be. The parents were always grateful because the parental leave system didn't exist then. Sometimes I needed colleagues to be flexible for me and they were happy to oblige.

I'm not sure when this resentful attitude from non-parents started. I've seen it more and more and I think it stems from a management desire to save money by forcing colleagues to cover for each other instead of employing enough staff to meet their obligations.

Op, I get the impression that what has really angered you is that last comment. I agree it was unpleasant and you should call them out on it, but are you sure everyone else agreed with her and shared her attitude?
I agree with ChocolateWombat that you need to decide the outcome you really want before taking action. It may be the rest of the office were just as put out by that last email as you were - those that even noticed it!

How many women are in your office?
Chances are there will be at least one who will be a MN'r and will recognize that you are writing about them.
If so, I hope they don't make things worse for you.
They seem to be taking advantage of you and I hope you sort it out soon.

Years ago, it was me that used to swap shifts and provide cover for parents. I didn't have kids myself and I could be flexible. I didn't mind: the unspoken agreement was that, when my turn came, the younger workers would cover for me.

If you know you won't be having children and your "turn" will never come it is hard not to feel resentful at always being the one who covers.

Saying that, I don't mind covering in emergencies. It's the prioritising parents for leave in prime holiday times that makes me angry, and entitled parents that think it's their right to have sports day off rather than treating it as someone doing them a favour by swapping.

thisjustinno, that's a very interesting post.

Well that's the thing, Purpledaisies: those parents years ago weren't entitled: they were grateful and would happily help out if they could when anyone else needed it.

I particularly remember one summer holiday. A friend of mine had suddenly died, leaving a young child. In order that his dad could continue to work, several of us undertook to babysit the child for one week during the holidays.
My colleagues, some of whom were parents I'd helped out, rearranged their schedules and plans so that I could cover a week myself.

OP what are you going to do?

I didn't mind: the unspoken agreement was that, when my turn came, the younger workers would cover for me.

What happens if you don't have DC? When is your time then?

Wheatchief, parental leave isn't the only situation for which you may need colleagues to be flexible.

In many ways I think young, single people should also be a priority for time off at Christmas if they need to travel a long way 'home' for the holiday or else be forced to spend it alone.

This makes my blood boil. Everybody else in my team has children, and I don't. Sometimes they leave early for parents' evening or whatever, sometimes I leave early for a doctor's appointment or because the gas man is coming or whatever.

A few months ago the boss asked what weeks we wanted off in the summer, so he could plan, as there always has to be at least one of us in the office. I said I wouldn't take any leave during the school holidays and the parents could work out the rest between them. He said that wasn't fair, and I was just as entitled as them to have time off, but there was no need for me to have any time off during that period so I insisted. Everybody was happy.

If they had the attitude that they were entitled to those weeks and I would have to lump it, I probably would have booked time off just to be difficult. Kindness and flexibility works both ways.

I don't think anyone should get priority for holidays. It should be on a rota, first come first served or done randomly. That's the only way to avoid unfairness.