to feel discriminated against at work for not having children???

[chicdiana1980]

I was accidentally copied into an email at work yesterday and I am really thinking about going to some kind of tribunal about this. I was feeling p*ssed off already but this is the tip of the iceburg!

to give you a background, I work for a fairly small company, office based. Pretty much everyone else in the office has children, and they are mostly young children. I don't have any children, and I am happy with this, but I feel like I get the brunt of it at work.

It seems like noone ever questions people when they take extra time off if they just say it's because of their children. Mostly it's leaving early pretty much every day to pick up children from school. Others who don't do this have 'parents evenings' or school plays or things, or get in late after the 'school run,' always laughing about how it's so stressful and that's I'm lucky. Sick days when the children are sick - how is this fair? Sick days are for the employee, not for employee and any family.

There has to be cover for the whole day, so it is usually me who ends up having to stay until the end, or get in early, so that someone is there. I regularly have to stay late as the colleagues who fly off at 3:30 to school leaves work that needs to be done. They say that they make it up in the mornings or at other times, but it's really no help.

Anyway, this has been going on for years now and I got to the stage where I thought I would just have to accept it as one of those things. But I was copied into an email (accidentally) which was obviously a round robin which had been going around my colleagues and the last person sent it to the entire office, not just their 'select group' (the select group being pretty much everyone but me). They were talking about who was going to be leaving early - and essentially they all were, leaving someone to say 'so who's gonna cover until the end ;),' and the last person said 'guess who. it's not like she has anything else to do anyway!'

I am seriously furious about this. I don't work Wednesdays but I am seriously considering going straight to ACAS or someone (our office is so small there is no real HR department) to make a complaint about this. I have been in tears for most of the morning - but before I do anything, would it be unreasonable to do this?

" t you don't sound that sympathetic with parenting or childcare issues. IF they are picking up on this it could explain (not excuse) it."
Bollocks. 3pm pick up or sports day are not childcare issues. Unless you are criminally disorganised.
If there was a rota and generally everyone did their fair share then yes, every now and again a parent woukd have an ill child or a childcare emergency and everyone else would pull together happily to cover. When it's expected or the "emergency" is school finishing at 3pm I can completely see why non-piss-takers would be incredibly angry.

OP! I can't believe you responded like that to their attempts to cover up their crap behaviour and emails. 'I'm happy to help'.......but you are not!

Sorry, but although it's hard to stand up for yourself you absolutely must. They really are walking all over you and you are letting them do it. Nothing will change until you address it.

How about a quick email, simply saying you've been able to cover for them in the past, but things for you now mean that you will need to work your core hours and leave promptly. Please don't ask you to cover as you won't be able to.

If you're not prepared to address this issue with them and you are not prepared to get manage to involved in looking at the hours you are working, things won't change....and TBH you are being a martyr and doormat.

You have a right to be angry about all this.....but you have to take some responsibility for raising the issue so it is sorted. Stop agreeing to cover and start leaving promptly on time.

I would raise it with your manager and show them the email, tell them you have helped out in the passed but clearly you are being taken a lend off and that their taking the p**s now especially in light of the email.
You may not have kids but they don't know what else goes on in your life so tell your manager and them that you are no longer able to cover to the degree you have been, if they ask why or mention the lack of kids, simply say I have my reasons, I don't wish to discuss them, but I just can't do it anymore, it's impacted enough on my life as it is and I'm no longer able to do it. End of. If there is then a backlash your boss having been made aware of them taking the Micky will step in and back you up by putting his foot down with their pee taking.
You may not have kids op, but there could be many other things going on in your life which you need to deal with which is just as important to you as their kids are to them.
Don't justify your self, you don't need to just put your foot down and let your boss deal with it.

The simplest thing would be simply to speak to management about how cover is arranged for people who leave early. Make clear that you are doing the bulk of cover and would like this issue to be looked into, and that you are going to start working your hours and be unavailable for cover.

Management will need to look into it and address the fact people leave so early...it will be their issue to sort, not yours. You clearly don't like confrontation or conflict, and approaching management about it will be a way to sort it without having to speak to the people about it.....if you really can't bring yourself to be firm with them. Personally I would do both.

I'm sorry to say but your colleagues have no respect for you. Their ongoing treatment, the email, their response to discovering you'd have seen the email....it all stinks! And your response to the nasty email and rolling over, staying late again and saying 'I'm happy to help' will only lessen their respect and make them take the piss more into the long term as they will quickly forget the brief shame they felt for that email. If you want change, you will have to make clear to them and/or to management that this cannot go on.

With regard to other comments on here I actually do feel that some parents/carers should get first refusal for leave at Christmas.

Attitudes like that mean I would never have a Christmas with my family just because I don't have children. I can appreciate that it must be really difficult to sort out childcare but that doesn't mean you should get a special pass at Christmas. If people want to volunteer to work that's brilliant but many people have a valid reason why they want the day off and it's unfair to make judgements on whose is the best.

hopeful why would I look back on this and cringe? If I'm lucky and have a baby will I automatically start to shit on non-parents and treat them as second class citizens and dole out "advice" as I see fit and expect others to pick up after me? Speak for yourself please and don't project shittiness onto me.

Themoreitsnowstiddlypom the manager was in on the joke

OP just seen your update. You're trying to be too nice and not make a scene - and in doing so you're being a martyr I'm afraid. You're giving them a licence to walk all over you, by doing so. If you can't say anything assertive then best not to say anything much at all and don't for the love of god smile. The only person who can change this shitty situation is you. Either by yourself of with help (see a solicitor), but if you carry on with the status quo then prepare to be shat on for years to come I'm afraid 😞 Now is the time too be strong.

OP, you've got to stand up for yourself! You were caught on the backfoot with the cake and lies so it's understandable you didn't know what to say, but now you know they're ashamed and worried you have to press your advantage.

Like someone else said, start going in early and leaving right at the end of core hours. You don't have to explain.

With regard to other comments on here I actually do feel that some parents/carers should get first refusal for leave at Christmas

You need to understand that it's attitudes like this that cause the problem. 99% of the people I have worked with who don't have DC - me included - have been more than happy and willing to be flexible. That includes working over Christmas so that parents with small children could have time at home. However what you are missing is that this is goodwill and the moment that you stop treating it as goodwill and start expecting it as a right, is the moment when people like me get pissed off and stop being so accommodating. You're also overlooking the fact that this preferential treatment relies solely on their being someone childless in your workplace to act as the cover.

I have worked in some places where the 'parental right to Christmas' seems to be inviolable and permanent. You have small kids - you want Christmas off. You have older kids - you still want Christmas off. You have teens - you still want to be at home with them. Now the kids are adults but they are coming to you for Christmas because you're hosting, so you need the annual leave. Until we finally end up with you having grandchildren coming for Christmas - and it starts all over again. It basically means that the moment you have a child, you have a permanent 'dibs' on that time of year. I get the old chestnut of being offered New Year's Eve off, because clearly being childless means that I must want to spend my time getting pissed (I don't) rather than seeing my family (I do).

I've seen my nieces and nephews faces at Christmas and it is magical, so I can only imagine how meaningful that is for their parents and how much a parent wants to be there for that time. I get it - and if I can help accommodate their leave to do so, then it's fine and I'm happy about it. But it's a two-way street. My life and my responsibilities are just as important to me. Fortunately the people I work with now are mindful of that - so much so that we don't really talk about parental leave. It's just 'flexibility' - as in 'I need some flexibility this week if that's OK? X has said he'll cover'. We all take our turns and it's fine.

OP in your position I would send an email to the whole team including your manager:

All,

Last week's email has highlighted that there appears to be some confusion around my willingness to stay behind and provide cover in the office. Whilst I don't mind taking my turn and helping out, I am concerned that it feels rather one-sided at the moment. I am sure this is not intentional though.

Starting from next week I would suggest that we begin a rota to ensure that everyone takes their turn in providing cover until . I will be leaving at 15:30 on X day and X day next week.

Regards,
OP

Excellent suggestion. Although I'd change it to show the one day I could stay late and confirm I would be leaving at 3.30 of whatever on the other days. So do no more thwn your fair share - if there are five of you then you stay late one night a week. Two if you're feeling generous

Oh my god, DO NOT wait till they've all gone before you leave! Leave before them!

They are taking the piss in the most blatant and disrespectful way. That whole cake thing and their gushing false apologies makes me furious on your behalf.

Please please please don't let them get away with this!

OP don't put up with this. You have been given some really good advice and NEED to do something. If you are happy to continue as you are that is your choice but if you don't do something now then it will only continue.

I agree get hard copies of the email. Also email your manager and yourself a letter saying you are unable to do all this excess cover (email yourself as proof it has sent). Or take a letter to your manager that is signed, physically give it and tell them the contents. Tell them any response to it you want in writing.

PaulDacresConscience Good email! Agree with Stealth that the OP shouldn't be staying behind three days a week though. One or two.

Just remail professional, don't discuss it with other colleagues but with your manager. If your manager is difficult tell them you are going to be speaking to an solicitor/ HR etc. I worry you are just going to continue as you are.

Ladyaeiou has wise words. I wouldn't discuss it with the clique because it'll just disintergrate into day to day aggro. Take it up a few levels. I'd still call a solicitor if I were you and just talk them through the bare bones on the phone. If you have a case they'll then have you in, bust most solicitors will give you 10 mins on the phone for free. Honestly if you lawyer up they will shit themselves. They're used to you being a doormat, and it does sound like the moral support IRL would be very good for you too. It can be so hard when you're on the outside and have to try to be nice so as not to cause problems, but in doing so you feel bloody awful.

Why should OP have to make up some other commitments? All very well but suppose that does not sit well with her or she's found out.

No best thing is HR and I don't wish to cover and others are taking the piss. and in regard to Christmas and August she feels it should be fairer and on a rota system.

Op I'd make a spreadsheet of when you've stayed late, given up your holidays and set it out clearly. That shows it in black and white and can be useful for HR and management.

What is a lone parent/carer supposed to do over Christmas when alternative childcare provision etc. Is closed for the holidays? Not everyone has family support. - NOT OPs problem. That is the problem of lone parent/carer. I am a lone parent, I get that it's difficult but it's my problem and no one elses!

SemiNormal You are so right. If you worked Christmas last year you should not be asked to work it this year. If you didn't start planning in January for the possibility that it might be you this time.

A friend was once cornered by a colleague who rather aggressively asserted that she needed to cover a shift so that she could go to her son's parents evening. My friend is notoriously sharp and turned around and said that lack of planning by the mum did not make it an emergency for her so she was going home as planned. She later pointed to our manager (as the mum complained) that if the son was ill or in hospital she would have covered but a parents evening should have been planned for. Manager agreed.

No one can be forced to do overtime. You dont know if the other person has a disability, or claims tax credits for some other reason.

"Your lack of planning is not my emergency" - brilliant statement!

With regard to other comments on here I actually do feel that some parents/carers should get first refusal for leave at Christmas

BINGO!!!!

If a colleague's child is ill it's the right and proper thing to help if you can; but if you say you cannot neither your colleague nor your manager has any damned business asking why not.

I regularly babysit my great niece and give her parents an evening off. If I was asked to work late that evening I would say No and refuse to discuss my reasons.

Incidentally in the first paragraph of this post whe I intended to write Manager my phone guessed Father. Someone tell Apple that that's a bit patriarchal