To think DSS1 would bring a bit of cash with him when we take him places?

[Dotcottondot]

He's 21 now and ever since I've known him he's happily gone out with no money and been quite happy to let people pay for him like a child.

DH used to take him to see bands etc and he'd be backwards and forwards to the bar buying him drinks all night because DSS1 wouldn't take a penny with him.

He took him away to a festival a couple of years back and he said DSS1 was constantly asking for beer money. He said to him "really at your age I would have expected you to bring some money for drinks to be honest" but it just goes over his head.

We took him on holiday earlier this year abroad with the younger kids and we had to pay for his passport as well as everything else. I kept saying to DH before we went "can you make sure he brings some money with him" as even the younger kids were expected to take some of their own spends. Anyway we got there and learnt he'd brought £60 dollars with him, to last A week and out of that he wanted to buy a $100 skateboard so we still ended up having to lend him money!! Apart from that whenever we went out for meals he often asked for the most expensive thing on the menu, the most expensive drinks etc and obviously never put a penny towards anything.

This weekend we're taking him to a firework display at a local country pub and I want to tell DH to remind the lad that he'll need money for drinks.

AIBU?? DH will think so.

We pay for drinks / meals etc when we go out with my DSSs, they are late 20s. I think that's fine, it is what (some) parents do. We have much more disposable income than they do and they are still DH's kids, regardless of how old they get!

However, the not working etc is a different matter altogether, but I would avoid focussing on you buying drinks for him as that sole point is pretty standard IMO.

I know rather a lot of people with sons like your dss. In a lot of cases the men are in their 40s and 50s. In fact, I think every road in the country harbours at least one grown-up ds sitting in his bedroom who has, as someone upthread put it, "failed to launch". In the OP's case it's the perfect storm of a boy probably lacking confidence combined with a parent who is keen to keep a child at home forever. The thing is the years roll on and a stuck-in-a-rut teenager or 20-something soon becomes a sad middle-aged bloke. I think parents often kid themselves they're "looking after" their adult dc when in fact they're taking advantage of social awkwardness or even laziness to serve their own ends. See "Sorry" with Ronnie Corbett for comedic view of this!

Rhonda - I think we should use the term "doing a Lumsden" to cover this phenomenon

For the uninitiated Ronnie Corbett's character was called Timothy Lumsden.

I loved Ronnie Corbett! I loved both Ronnies actually

Although I think this thread is being unfair to Timothy - wasn't he working as a Librarian in the series?

Indeed - fair point Things

The DSS is in fact sub-Lumsden in this case.

If he turns up to the fireworks display with no money then don't bother to buy anything for him all night no money no food or drinks that should teach the lazy little shit a lesson. When I was 21 I was working ft and paying my mum rent.

This is wicked stepmother territory. If you value your marriage you will have to accept that your DH does not want to confront this issue, either with his ex wife or with their child. Put that mirror down.

You may have an ally in your mil though. Were you to speak to her about your money worries (not the behaviour of her grandson) , you might find her helpful. I'd go there. Good luck.s
Slippery path being stepmother to a boy whose values are not yours.

(sorry for derail here) When I watched some re-runs of Sorry I was astounded at the likeness of "Mother" to mil. She was mil!

I can't see the harm in paying for a fireworks display, nor food and drink if that's part of the family outing. I think the lad's lack of direction is the bigger problem. What is he like as a person, OP? Is he good company and do your dcs like him? I could forgive a lot if someone brings some joie de vivre to the occasion.

There are two issues though. One is parents paying for treats for adult children that is pretty normal and the other is the cruelty of deliberately bringing up a child to be incapable of looking after themselves.

So many parents of children with special needs do everything possible to equip their children for a time when they will not be around to help and yet here the father and mother are happily giving their son a disability.

He's 21, so not a baby! Like others, I don't see the problem in him doing stuff with his family - I am still a bit of a home bird - and you paying for meals etc, but he seems like a sponger. Especially as he's not doing anything with his life.

I'm out of work atm but looking and applying etc and would love a job. I don't see how he can be so blase over his CV - even when I've not been working (through uni and now) I've volunteered so at least there's something on my CV, would he do the same? He's only 21 so young to discover his lifelong job - but that's a reason to try lots of jobs, to see what you enjoy.

I think he should at the least be on JSA/UC and looking for work. It's not fun - but it's money and he should stop being bankrolled. Granted, you do have to talk to an 'advisor' who's barely a year older than you, telling you what to do (in the manner of teaching gran to suck eggs) and getting arsy when you don't jump to order. BUT it is money, and it's better than nothing.

I've got to say, I'm worried about his CV though. If he's literally done nothing for 2 years what will he say when the employer asks why? You can write 'gap year' on CV and elaborate in interview - about relevant experience and skills gained that link - but playing video games has no skills that links to a job, does it? He ought to be seriously worried about even finding a job, and should start doing something asap - volunteering at the minimum, while looking for paid work - to get his experience up. Tesco normally employ over Christmas, and a decent wage too. It's not bad work physically, especially on the checkouts. I worked there last Christmas and with overtime he could be easily earning over £600-700. He has to do something though - life won't change to accomodate him!

Im a bit surprised by this thread.

At 21 I have to admit I was still being fully treated like a kid when on family outings. Not holidays but definitely if at pub or some sort of event like fireworks with my dad or just at the pub he would have paid most of it.

Even now. .though I wpuld buy ny parents drinks etc they pay rhe lions share of outings.

I think this can only change if you take a bit more of a gentle approach and see if your DH can see it as instilling financial sense in a young adult.

waterrat - I am all for parents subbing their kids when they go for family outings. As a recognition that they need their hard-earned income for paying their student accommodation and course books.

And as you say, your dad would have paid 'most of it' and 'the lions share'. This young man contributes nothing. He doesn't even sort his own passport out! There's a big difference between the two scenarios.

His parents are treating him like a child, not an NT adult.

To be fair I don't think parents paying for their son/daughters meals etc, fireworks display are wrong. My issue wouldn't be with that. It's the principle of offering though. If I go to the supermarket with dad on a weekly shop and want to buy wine I'll offer to pay for it - 9 out of 10 times he'll pay, but I'd feel grabby if I didn't at least offer. My issue is the whole doing bugger all with his life - if he's trying to get a job then fair enough, and I'd be inclined to indulge a little. But what incentive has he got to work if everything gets paid for, for him? By not working he has to be worse off surely. Take me for example. I don't work, am looking. I couldn't buy the equivelent of a 100 dollar skateboard, because I don't have the money and I'm buggered if my parents would stump up that, no questions asked. So although I want to get a job anyway, the affording luxuries is something else driving me - because I can't get whatever I fancy at the moment, and that's an incentive. DSS has no incentive, and so is happy to laze about.

For me the issue would be that he assumes that you will pay and buy him things. If I were going out somewhere with my parents I would not rock up with no money and expect them to pay. If I couldn't afford it I would say I can't and then if they offered to pay after that then I would go along.

He should be doing something or looking for a job.

my parents took me and my dh on holiday but we did take our own spending money

unfiortunately hes got into a rut and so9unds like his mother isnt helping matters

if she dosnt stop soon he'll be reliant on her and your dh forever

when did your dh leave his ex?