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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSS1 would bring a bit of cash with him when we take him places?

141 replies

Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 11:22

He's 21 now and ever since I've known him he's happily gone out with no money and been quite happy to let people pay for him like a child.

DH used to take him to see bands etc and he'd be backwards and forwards to the bar buying him drinks all night because DSS1 wouldn't take a penny with him.

He took him away to a festival a couple of years back and he said DSS1 was constantly asking for beer money. He said to him "really at your age I would have expected you to bring some money for drinks to be honest" but it just goes over his head.

We took him on holiday earlier this year abroad with the younger kids and we had to pay for his passport as well as everything else. I kept saying to DH before we went "can you make sure he brings some money with him" as even the younger kids were expected to take some of their own spends. Anyway we got there and learnt he'd brought £60 dollars with him, to last A week and out of that he wanted to buy a $100 skateboard so we still ended up having to lend him money!! Apart from that whenever we went out for meals he often asked for the most expensive thing on the menu, the most expensive drinks etc and obviously never put a penny towards anything.

This weekend we're taking him to a firework display at a local country pub and I want to tell DH to remind the lad that he'll need money for drinks.

AIBU?? DH will think so.

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 02/11/2016 11:40

Oh fuck. That's not good. That is really not good. He's not exactly going to be motivated if his mum is the same Confused

MrsJayy · 02/11/2016 11:42

Its a parent problem not a 21yr old problem he is acting how he is ttreated which is a shame but his parents have allowed him to behave like this.

Judydreamsofhorses · 02/11/2016 11:45

My brother is in his late 30s and married with children, but if he went out with my parents he would absolutely never expect to put his hand in his pocket. (If my partner and I go out for dinner with them, we take it in turns to pick up the bill.) It boggles my mind, but I think it's because my mum always pandered to him and he now just expects it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/11/2016 11:50

Does your DH have a guilt complex where his son and ex are concerned? Is he trying to throw money at the boy because he's worried that, if he doesn't, his son will just flounce off and refuse to see him ever again?

Because that's what it sounds like to me. As if he's afraid to say 'no' to his lad, afraid of the consequences, and that's why he loses his temper when you challenge him about it. Towing a 21 year old about like a small child would make me utterly lose my shit though. Can you try suggesting that your DH helps his son be a bit more independent through illustration? As in 'oh dear, you didn't fill in your passport form, that's a shame, we'd been looking forward to you coming with us. Oh well, never mind. there's always next year'...and see what happens?

Aroundtheworldandback · 02/11/2016 11:52

There's always one with a worse scenario- here's mine! Not only would it not occur to my dss 21 to contribute when out with dh (dss works), he fully expects Dh to pay for every one of his expenses including parking tickets, mobile bill, holidays, in fact there isn't anything Dh doesn't pay for.

I do think fair enough for Dh to take him out for a meal or even a holiday, I don't think that's abnormal. But the rest of it frankly causes a lot of resentment.

SpunkyMummy · 02/11/2016 11:55

When I was 21 I was a student, and yes, my father did pay for all my expenses (I did work to afford holidays for example, but that was it).
And when we had lunch together (for example) he paid as well.
When I was a student I also did a lot of sports, was the president of a student's association, on the board of an other one etc.

My father knew that and thought that getting an education,meeting people etc was something that should be encouraged (that's just how it is in my family). I did work the year before going to uni.

However, this obviously shouldn't be done when the parents can't afford it or when said young adult isn't even a student...!

Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 11:56

DH would never do that, it means more to him that dss comes along than it does to dss so DH will pander and do whatever it takes.

It's just all so babyish but DH doesn't see it.

Like we were in a restaurant on holiday and dss kept taking the tip off straw packets and blowing them at DH. It's embarrassing, that's the of thing 7 year olds do and the younger kids just sat looking bemused. DH however won't have a word said against him.

It's his language too, like if we're in a pub DH will say "What do you want buddy?" To which dss will reply "get me a whisky". No please or thank you.

OP posts:
SpunkyMummy · 02/11/2016 11:56

I'm not sure if this is uncommon in the UK?

But I'd be incredily upset about the DSS not going to university.

EverySongbirdSays · 02/11/2016 11:57

Are there any additional issues that your DSS has that haven't been mentioned?

It seems odd that a 21 year old man would not rather go on holiday with his friends or out with his friends than going on holiday/fireworks with Dad, Stepmum and little siblings

SpunkyMummy · 02/11/2016 11:59

Idk, in my family I basically got a salary for being a good student.

I had to decide how I wanted to spend it (how much on books, insurance, the apartement etc) but I am a bit surprised that so many people think it's wrong that DH is paying for DSS.

Imo the issue would be the fact that DSS's isn't interested in getting an education.

Manumission · 02/11/2016 12:01

why does your dh give a shit if he goes on holiday with you all?

Because he's his child, who doesn't live with him and he likes to spend time with him, I would guess.

I fully hope and expect that my DC will continue to come on holiday with us well into their twenties.

If he's NEET and generally being a bit 'failure to launch' he needs support and encouragement and probably someone sitting down and making a plan with him, that includes goals and incentives etc.

But I wouldn't blink at picking up some of the expenses for a 21 year old, such as passport.

I think you need to find a middle way.

kilmuir · 02/11/2016 12:02

He needs a kick up the arse!
He will continue to do nothing because there are no consequences!
I would treat him to drinks etc but not if it was assumed and he never offered to pay towards anything

PlumsGalore · 02/11/2016 12:06

*I'm not sure if this is uncommon in the UK?

But I'd be incredily upset about the DSS not going to university*

Sorry, lost me on this one. I think going to university is the least of the OP's worries, and going to university certainly doesn't mean a person is guaranteed success in his life.

I think OP would be happy if DSS had even a part time job and bought a round of drinks.

OP, YANBU - your DH needs to stop enabling him.

InfiniteSheldon · 02/11/2016 12:06

My dc have a step sister like this on their fathers side. They were/are utterly bemused by her behaviour and think her dm (their step mother) is a total arse when it comes to her but love step mum anyway. They know that there are different rules for ss and them and now ss's near thirty and still doing part time jobs whilst they both have degrees and very successful careers they can see why the rules were different. They did stop buying her Christmas presents and when out as a family point blank refuse to include her and her equally idiotic boyfriend in rounds. My ex and his wife pay for almost everything for her it's very sad really but nothing g my ex has tried changed his wife's behaviour and he's learnt to just compartmentalize it. I think you may have to do the same but don't allow your dc to behave the same they need to pity their stepbrother not emulate him.

DearMrDilkington · 02/11/2016 12:07

I was expecting this to be about a 10yr old.

Not a 21yr old!! For the love of god stop paying for him! Neither of you are doing him any favours in the long run.

Mozfan1 · 02/11/2016 12:08

Manu, most 20 somethings I know (and I am one myself) would much rather go on holiday with friends than with parents...

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/11/2016 12:08

I have this same problem but with my MIL. If she comes anywhere with us she will never ever pay for anything or offer any money. In the nearly 10years I have been with DH she has never ever taken us out for dinner, or bought us a drink if we've been out but I have lost count of how many times we have "treated" her.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 02/11/2016 12:09

When I was a student (with a part time job) the general rule was that if my parents took me out for dinner they'd pay but that I'd be expected to get a round of drinks at some point as a contribution (and bless if my parents didn't always want to share a bottle of house wine, or stick to soft drinks when it was my order).

Unless you're struggling with finances, I imagine it's not the actual money so much as the attitude it portrays to constantly be taking as an adult and not helping out.

JustWoman · 02/11/2016 12:10

My DSS is same age and was very similar with money, he didn't pay his rent for uni one year (he had been given it but blew the lot) and his mum was the one running around trying to get everyone (not just dh) to chip in for his deposit and first three months.
We couldn't afford it, we were late on our own rent as we were struggling, dh agreed we couldn't afford it and was going to speak to DSS, but I know from previous that dh never says no to his sone so I knew he'd be giving him the money. To rub salt in, when dh rang him to say he'd gotten him the money, DSS said he was on holiday with GF and had just extended it so won't be home for another four days and dh ended taking it to his landlord as DSS was away for the deadline.

I think he should have been told no by everyone, it's not like he'd have not been able to do his second year as he had an option of staying at home and using his (funded by mum and dad ) car to travel each day.

I keep my mouth shut to be honest, he has his own house and baby now (quit uni) and has grown up a lot in the last year and being a Dad himself has made him appreciate his parents and the worry they've had about him.

KitKat1985 · 02/11/2016 12:10

DH is enabling him. He needs to stop. If your DSS stops getting endless handouts then he'll start to pull his act together.

Inertia · 02/11/2016 12:14

Does your stepson have any additional needs that I 've missed any mention of? He sounds very immature for a NT 21 year old - if he's going to be babied by his parents for his whole life, there will be no incentive for him to change.

JustWoman · 02/11/2016 12:15

Dh would buy all DSS drinks if we took him somewhere for a night out, but it happens rarely so it's not a regular thing, it's a treat.
It's even less regular now he has his own baby and tbh, DSS has been leapfrogged and all the family give money and treats to the baby now.

OhTheRoses · 02/11/2016 12:17

DH's sisters are like this. They are in their 50s now. Their parents enabled it. DH does a bit. I don't. Their family, their problem but I don't fund their entitlement. Used to send presents for their DC. Got a Cpl of msgs back through MIL to say, if I was buying x could it be pure cotton next time. My DC were sent nothing ever. I stopped sending presents.

MrsJayy · 02/11/2016 12:20

When my dd was a student she worked pt to keep her car going she did come out with us and we paid mostly so taking older kids places isnt unusual its his attitude that would piss me right off. I had a baby at 21 so wasnt funded by parents

femfemlicious · 02/11/2016 12:20

As long as there is enough money to go round I would leave them to it to be honest. Just make sure your DC do not turn out the same.

Just make sure your husband knows how you feel just look the other way. They will reap what they are sowing

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