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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSS1 would bring a bit of cash with him when we take him places?

141 replies

Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 11:22

He's 21 now and ever since I've known him he's happily gone out with no money and been quite happy to let people pay for him like a child.

DH used to take him to see bands etc and he'd be backwards and forwards to the bar buying him drinks all night because DSS1 wouldn't take a penny with him.

He took him away to a festival a couple of years back and he said DSS1 was constantly asking for beer money. He said to him "really at your age I would have expected you to bring some money for drinks to be honest" but it just goes over his head.

We took him on holiday earlier this year abroad with the younger kids and we had to pay for his passport as well as everything else. I kept saying to DH before we went "can you make sure he brings some money with him" as even the younger kids were expected to take some of their own spends. Anyway we got there and learnt he'd brought £60 dollars with him, to last A week and out of that he wanted to buy a $100 skateboard so we still ended up having to lend him money!! Apart from that whenever we went out for meals he often asked for the most expensive thing on the menu, the most expensive drinks etc and obviously never put a penny towards anything.

This weekend we're taking him to a firework display at a local country pub and I want to tell DH to remind the lad that he'll need money for drinks.

AIBU?? DH will think so.

OP posts:
OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 02/11/2016 13:06

Farming (I presume agricultural studies or such like) can be a very valuable course but of course working in agriculture requires a whole lot of work ethic which it sounds like your DSS lacks.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 02/11/2016 13:06

It falls on deaf ears because there are no consequences.

People take gap years to experience new things - not to "relax".

He sounds like a lazy fucker who needs the rug pulled out from beneath him.

Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:12

I can imagine it can be a useful course but as you say, you need to have the work ethic to go with it not to mention the maturity to travel to find work afterwards. I mean it's not like you walk down the street and stumble upon a farm that needs workers is it. DS couldn't even get himself to his girlfriends house without help at the time so he was never going to travel to another part of Britain to find agricultural work.

See that's another thing, gmhus girlfriend was doing the same course and also working part time. We would often say to him "you not fancy getting a few hours work like gf does?" And he'd say "yeah but there is nothing out there". Funny how everyone else he knew was working part time then.
His girlfriend also went on a self organised work experience trip to Ireland working in conservation during the summer holidays. DH said "why didn't you go" to which DSS responded "oh I did think about it ... " and then a change of subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:16

When DH expressed his concern st the "gap year" DSS fed him a load of shit about spending it doing work experience, travelling, working part time jobs etc etc ... for a while DH was like "oh you never know, it could be good for him" then after a year of nothing realised nothing was ever going to materialise. I have warned DSS how his CV will look when it says college age 16-19 and then ... nothing.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 02/11/2016 13:16

Why the hell is he allowed to not work/go to College/Uni?

That's ridiculous.

Stop giving him money. Tell him he has to find work.

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:17

Do you think he lacks confidence?

Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:19

It's not me, it's DH. If it was up to me he'd get nothing and if he didn't want to put his hand in his pocket in the pub, he'd go thirsty.

To put it into perspective - DH wants me to buy him an advent Calendar when I buy the younger kids one and has asked me to make him up a stocking like I do with the other kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:20

He does lack confidence yes, but you would do after spending two years in your bedroom.

OP posts:
Dontpanicpyke · 02/11/2016 13:20

Blimey he's a spoilt brat isn't he and really how cruel of his parents to have allowed this to happen.

Mine had part time jobs from 16.

It must be so frustrating for you op but are you worried this attitude of your dh will rub off on your kids.

Coukd you have an upfront discussion with him?

teenyrabbit · 02/11/2016 13:20

YANBU. I'm 21 and I work full time and win a house ffs. I wouldn't expect my parents to take me on holiday and if they did I certainly wouldn't expect them to pay for everything whilst there. Some people get such an easy ride I feel sorry for his future partner!

teenyrabbit · 02/11/2016 13:21

Own not win

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:22

Am wondering if his mother's apparent acceptance of the situation has anything to do with benefits? I know somebody with a family member in this situation - the mother doesn't want her son to get a job because it will adversely affect her Housing & other benefits - basically she doesn't work and if her son did, her benefits would reduce to the extent that she wouldn't be able to afford to stay in her current home.

But whatever, you shouldn't be expected to pay.

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:23

To put it into perspective - DH wants me to buy him an advent Calendar when I buy the younger kids one and has asked me to make him up a stocking like I do with the other kids

Nothing wrong with that in itself IMO - DH and I still have stockings and advent calendars Grin

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:23

It seems strange that a young man that age wouldn't be there like a rocket presented with a trip to do something different in a different country with his GF.

If there is an issue that hasn't been fully addressed, be it chronic shyness, or self-esteem issues oe ASC or what-have-you, you are not going to be the one to spot it as it is clear your irritation levels with him and all his doings is now sky-high Smile (Dismissing a farming course as 'Mickey mouse' is quite a strange stance itself!).

But IF there is something like that going on, it could explain a lot and it would indicate a supportive approach.

So it's worth someone (someone less annoyed than you) considering that angle before you all adopt a tough love approach (which just won't work on a fragile person).

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:25

(And would actually be damaging).

Of course if someone who really cares about him rules such explanations out positively, then he could well a be a young horror needing tough love.

But maybe show your DH this thread and the whole range of comments here?

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:27

He does lack confidence yes, but you would do after spending two years in your bedroom.

Well yes anyone would. But most people would never choose two spend two years in their bedroom.

Unless they were chronically depressed or there was something else 'wrong'.,

EverySongbirdSays · 02/11/2016 13:28

At 21, surely your DH is no longer paying maintenance?

How on earth does he survive financially day to day?

I mean, if he's claiming ESA - they expect you to do things these days to PROVE you are job seeking, courses etc.

If not, what does his mother do? Supporting two adults off one income? Your DH needs to throw his hands up, declare him of age and say he won't contribute to his upkeep anymore.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2016 13:29

Ok, sounds like you don't like your step son.

He can't contribute if he doesn't have a job or sign on, so that's a bit silly, I'm sorry. You're just trying to get him to ask his mum for the money, because where else is he going to get it?

Yes he needs a job or further education, but he's not your kid, and he doesn't live with uou, and if your husband choses to buy him drinks or whatever then I advise being gracious about it. I'm fairly positive he is aware of the issues , has concerns, even if he doesn't want to discuss them with you.

Elphame · 02/11/2016 13:29

To put it into perspective - DH wants me to buy him an advent Calendar when I buy the younger kids one and has asked me to make him up a stocking like I do with the other kids

I still do stockings for my children if they are with us for xmas....

Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:30

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight - lightbulb moment! Of course! Her handouts would stop if we was working - I actually think you could be onto something there. Why else would a mother be so against her kid getting a job? And she is selfish like that, in the past she's talked DSS out of doing things with his dad as she is "lonely".

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 02/11/2016 13:31

You say no SN but some of what you said does indicate potential mental health issues, do you acknowledge this, or had you not considered it?

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:32

Her handouts would stop if we was working - I actually think you could be onto something there.

It's a dud bulb, sorry.

She's not getting 'handouts' for a child past their 20th birthday. No such provision exists.

9troubledwaters · 02/11/2016 13:32

Its a pride issue. His dad should have instilled that in him from an early age. God knows what you can do about it now

Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:32

We don't know what he does for money because if it was jsa or whatever, he'd be sent for job interviews every week. I suppose it must be coming from the mother but DH doesn't pay maintenance anymore, that stopped as soon as he left college at 19

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/11/2016 13:33

Assuming there isn't an underlying reason for his behaviour such as Autism then your DH needs to think about how he can best help his son develop as an independent person. The money is just one of the elements of this. Your DH seems to be rushing in to rescue him all the time so how can he learn. He should be able to get from one place to another without having to have his Dad come and get him. Are there ways your DH can encourage him to do a bit more for himself.
I do think it is odd that he didn't go with his gf to Ireland many 21 year olds would have jumped at the chance.

I wonder if the Mum wants him to stay young to stay at home with her and keep her company. The night out comment made me wonder if she doesn't want to let him grow up because he fills a void in her life.