To think DSS1 would bring a bit of cash with him when we take him places?

[Dotcottondot]

He's 21 now and ever since I've known him he's happily gone out with no money and been quite happy to let people pay for him like a child.

DH used to take him to see bands etc and he'd be backwards and forwards to the bar buying him drinks all night because DSS1 wouldn't take a penny with him.

He took him away to a festival a couple of years back and he said DSS1 was constantly asking for beer money. He said to him "really at your age I would have expected you to bring some money for drinks to be honest" but it just goes over his head.

We took him on holiday earlier this year abroad with the younger kids and we had to pay for his passport as well as everything else. I kept saying to DH before we went "can you make sure he brings some money with him" as even the younger kids were expected to take some of their own spends. Anyway we got there and learnt he'd brought £60 dollars with him, to last A week and out of that he wanted to buy a $100 skateboard so we still ended up having to lend him money!! Apart from that whenever we went out for meals he often asked for the most expensive thing on the menu, the most expensive drinks etc and obviously never put a penny towards anything.

This weekend we're taking him to a firework display at a local country pub and I want to tell DH to remind the lad that he'll need money for drinks.

AIBU?? DH will think so.

Manu, most 20 somethings I know (and I am one myself) would much rather go on holiday with friends than with parents...

No harm in doing both

Well yes, but the point is that her dh shouldn't be overwhelmed with bother trying to arrange him coming on holiday with them- he's an adult fgs, he can organise his own bloody passport etc. If he's not bothered enough to make sure he has a valid passport, he gets left behind. Simple.

Doesn't he have any sort of social life beyond your family? . I'd struggle to picture a NT 21 year old man being taken out by his parents like a 10 year old. A fireworks display?
Is he NT?

He says he goes out with friends but we see little evidence of it. He had a girlfriend when he was 16 (this was another farce, DH being text every 5 minutes asking to be picked up from gf's "asap" when she lived almost an hour away as he was incapable of getting himself from a to b) but no otherwise he spends all his time with his mum. He once told DH that he was going on a night out ... then a picture appeared on instagram of him and his mum at the pub!
No SN

I'm another one who's gobsmacked at a 21 year old going to a firework display with his dad.

If his mother doesn't work and is presumably on benefits, how can she afford to have her son there without contributing? Please tell me your husband isn't still paying child support?

My son has (had) a friend like this - his father treats him like a real special snowflake and almost wont let him grow up ! When we were chatting recently he said he had had to stay the night recently to look after the 18 year old whose mom decided to stay the night at her new boyfriends! When I asked why?? he said "well he doesnt like being on his own, he gets scared. And hes still just a baby really isn't he at 18". Same boy also effs and blinds at his father via text and earlier this year sent him the most abusive texts I have ever seen. His father just took it, didn't say anything so son now thinks he can go through life doing the same to other people. When the other people (my son) cut contact after receiving similar texts its them who are unreasonable!!

Is it a 'Dad' thing???

Well yes, but the point is that her dh shouldn't be overwhelmed with bother trying to arrange him coming on holiday with them- he's an adult fgs, he can organise his own bloody passport etc. If he's not bothered enough to make sure he has a valid passport, he gets left behind. Simple.

But it doesn't sound like the DH is 'overwhelmed with bother'. He sounds quite happy to do it. And he wants his DS to come with them, whereas the DS sounds not particularly fussed. So OP should let him get on with it and maybe focus more on the big stuff like the NEET thing.

I'm wondering the same flogging. He does sound very passive and isolated anyway.

He needs a kick up the arse.

Well your DH is ruining (or helping to ruin) his son for ever then, isn't he.
Pandering to him, treating him like a spoilt child, giving him whatever he wants, no expectations or boundaries for him - the boy (Doesn't really deserve the title "man" yet, does he) is going to turn into one of life's feckless parasites with a massive sense of entitlement and fuck-off chip on his shoulder whenever anyone crosses him.

But yes - I also have to check - is he NT (neurotypical in case you're unfamiliar with the term)? If he's not then that changes things rather. But if he is then my above comments stand.

What a shame! Ruination of a potentially decent human being by (presumably) guilt-ridden disney parenting. :(

Sorry, just seen your post where you say he has no SN. IN which case - ruination = what will happen.

Don't completely rule out the idea that there might be something undiagnosed. I mean, just keep it in the back of your mind as possible.

There's nothing wrong with going on holiday with your parents - I'm 22 and DP, DD and I go on holiday with my parents. The difference is that we're expected to sort our own practical details out. It's not abroad so no passport but we figure out travel and book our own caravan etc. We don't expect parents to run around fixing everything for us.

It's time to stop funding him. He needs a job or education or training. End of.

Until you say NO he'll carry on as it has always worked.

plums

Well, I'm not saying a job wouldn't be good.

But DSS seems to be... socially independent, have no drive to succeed, doesn't ha e a relationship, doesn't know how to get a passport.... these are the issues I'd be upset about. Not the finances.

If he keeps on doing this eventually his mates will surely dump him? No-one likes a tightwad. People do notice if a particular person is always the last to put his hand in his pocket/buy a round, especially if they ask for a more expensive drink/crisps, etc.
No-one likes to be taken advantage of, maybe when out with him just buy yourself what you want and make him go without - but I guess most of us aren't cruel enough to do so - which is why he continues to get away with it. One of my BILs was very much like that when he was younger and guess what? Now he's older he has no friends.

I'm totally confused. I was expecting this to be 15 y/o at most. Not 21.
Does DSS socialise much with others? You mention gaming and a skateboard. Does he do these 'hobbies' alone or with others? Does he go out to the pub with his mates? Has he had any romantic relationships?

Where does DSS's DM get her money from? And where does DSS get money to repay the skateboard loan? Or get money to buy the games? If he isn't even signing on then who is giving him money?

He sounds does sound very immature. What was he like as a child? Are there any difficulties going on or is he just lazy? Are you close enough with him to talk about his finances and plans for the future? What does he think to all this? What does he think about his mates working etc? And they him?

TBH my DF and DP's DSF always insist on paying. We have had times we have insisted it's our treat/turn and they have let us but it's always a push. But we never ask for it. I wouldn't dream of leaving the house without some money.

YANBU

Your DSS is a NEET (Not in Education, Employment or Training) by choice.

He's enabled in that choice by his parents behaviour wrt his finances.

At what point does this become unacceptable and he's asked to start behaving like the adult he is and take responsibility for generating his own income? At 25? At 30? Never?

We're not talking about "treats" here. Choosing to pay for a meal or buying a skateboard for your kid at whatever age is fine. Funding kids whilst they are in education or on a low wage is again perfectly reasonable.

This goes way beyond that. Your DH is encouraging him to be a grasping, waster, man child. It's shit parenting.

my brother went to through a phase of never bringing any money & expecting to be subbed - the reason was he was very hard up & didn't want to offer in case we said Yes!

Because we knew he was skint we'd've refused, but the offer would've been nice. He does buy the odd round & chip in now, as I mentioned it to my DM, who had a word and bungs him the odd twenty quid

Your DSS is not being helped to grow up & become independent, but that is between him & your DH - not sure what you can do about it directly.

Oh dear. I am sorry for you and your DH tbh. This is not an easy situation as it's not your DS to be tough with and if your DH is not on board you will have an unhill battle. I don't understand why parents allow DC to get in this state. Not in education and not employed. I would start with talking to your DH about his prospects and his future (long term). The problem is if he leaves it much longer than 21 then the opportuities for him in education in terms of funded courses will dry up then his prospects are reduced. I would tackle this rather than tackling his problem with bring no money with him as that is a hard argument when he has none. His mum might be paying for the Netflix subscriptions, etc. It's also a positive way to start a conversation with your DH as you are showing how much you care for DSS and his future iyswim.
Good luck OP.

Well I have a son of nearly 22. If he comes out with us he's treated. But he runs a bank account, is a full time student and has lots of friends. He also still spends a holiday with us, with his gf, and generally we pay. But he also does so much independently.

Something sounds wrong op. What's he like in social situations.

My children are adult in their mid/late 20s and if they come out with us then we expect to pay.

We also pay for them to come on holiday with us if we invite them but they pay for their own souvenirs and if they go out in the evening without us then they pay for their drinks etc.

My own parents are the same - they are taking all of us including DCs partners out for lunch on Sunday. I know they will expect to pay and we'll have the usual battle to be allowed to at least contribute .

OP I would worry about having children with this man if that's the kind of person he's had a hand in bringing up before..

But aside from that, as you know, this is not your problem, it's your DH's. And if he won't deal with it then there's not much you can do, other than make sure you're not having to put any money of yours towards funding this man-child.

I feel quite sorry for the boy actually - he's not exactly facing a sparkling future is he? . For that reason, I don't understand why your DH doesn't want to give him a kick up the arse for his own good.

Elph - but I bet your kids don't lounge around on the arses all day?

I expect they have a job or are education etc

In other words they are behaving like adults and if you want to pay that's fine - because they are already stepping up and showing an appropriate degree of independence, maturity and self respect.

I have a ds of nearly 19 and can tell you that we've had to put our foot down regarding finances at home.
He's very good in that he is a college student but also works so earns more than plenty.
After him having three holidays this summer all funded by either me and dh or his bio dad and me supplying euros and spending money as well as clothes and a multitude of other delights we realised he was getting more and more selfish and expectant. It all came to a head when he spent our entire holiday being difficult and complaining it wasn't good enough and how he felt he shouldn't have to say thank you as he'd rather be at home gaming
I stopped funding his travel at £20 a week and told him time to start paying a small contribution for keep and to grow up. Until they realise how much things cost they won't appreciate it.
At 21 your dss is unbelievably lucky to be getting anything funded especially as he can't even be arsed to work or study.
It must be v difficult for you but your dh being afraid his son won't want to do things with him unless it's all funded isn't the way to teach him to be a grown man.
It's teaching him to be lazy and materialistic and it won't change unless your dh stops falling for the emotional blackmail.
If I were you I would be calmly but firmly telling dh that although you respect it's difficult this is your view and that it's having an impact on your relationship and then let him think about it.
Awkward but only being made more awkward by the enabling.
If dss mum chooses to sit on her arse that's up to her but you can be showing him how to take pride in himself and what he could achieve.

Regarding finding a job or college course, DH has really tried here - he tried to persuade him against doing the Micky mouse college course at 16 that he knew would lead to a dead end and tried to encourage something more beneficial but his mother rubbished DHs ideas and told the son that he should do the one he was interested in (farming or some shit!). When that came to a dead end DH talked to him about his lifelong goals and what would you do if you could do anything kinda thing ... DSS said "marine conservation" so DH helped him look up uni courses in just that, turned out he could do a foundation degree to get into uni and then do the actual degree of his dreams. He applied for the foundation, got in and then all of a sudden he became very vague when asked about it .. "oh I'm not sure what's happening with that now as the uni is shit and won't reply to me" etc etc. DH kept on and on at him, every time he saw him asking what was happening, have you rang them? Do you want me to ring them for you? 🙄 Etc etc ... turned out DSS had decided he needed a "gap year" to relax after his college course. That was over two years ago.
DH has tried since to get him on board "did you know so and so are advertising for apprentices? Have you seen uni are doing another open day? Have you seen this camp America thing where you work abroad for experience?

It just all falls on deaf ears and his mother encourages it

"Life isn't all about work and money you know".

No but it fucking helps!