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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSS1 would bring a bit of cash with him when we take him places?

141 replies

Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 11:22

He's 21 now and ever since I've known him he's happily gone out with no money and been quite happy to let people pay for him like a child.

DH used to take him to see bands etc and he'd be backwards and forwards to the bar buying him drinks all night because DSS1 wouldn't take a penny with him.

He took him away to a festival a couple of years back and he said DSS1 was constantly asking for beer money. He said to him "really at your age I would have expected you to bring some money for drinks to be honest" but it just goes over his head.

We took him on holiday earlier this year abroad with the younger kids and we had to pay for his passport as well as everything else. I kept saying to DH before we went "can you make sure he brings some money with him" as even the younger kids were expected to take some of their own spends. Anyway we got there and learnt he'd brought £60 dollars with him, to last A week and out of that he wanted to buy a $100 skateboard so we still ended up having to lend him money!! Apart from that whenever we went out for meals he often asked for the most expensive thing on the menu, the most expensive drinks etc and obviously never put a penny towards anything.

This weekend we're taking him to a firework display at a local country pub and I want to tell DH to remind the lad that he'll need money for drinks.

AIBU?? DH will think so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:33

But but it would effect her housing benefit if an adult in the house was working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dotcottondot · 02/11/2016 13:35

Chazs, she does use him for company, always has done. DH sad she's never had any friends.

OP posts:
thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:35

She's not getting 'handouts' for a child past their 20th birthday. No such provision exists no, she wouldn't get 'handouts' for her adult son, but if he was working his income would be taken into account when calculating her benefits, so hers would be cut.

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:35

Having an independent adult in the house is effecting it anyway. He'll be expected to make a contribution from whatever income he's getting on a sliding scale.

EverySongbirdSays · 02/11/2016 13:35

If his mother is on benefits, yes, that totally would effect her housing benefit if he got a job or went to uni, but you can't support 2 adults off one lot of benefits and if he claimed these days, he'd have to jump through lots of hoops and prove he's actively seeking work.

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:35

affecting^

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:35

X-posted with you OP!

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:36

he'd have to jump through lots of hoops and prove he's actively seeking work

Ha, if only that were true....

teenyrabbit · 02/11/2016 13:37

Just a thought - has he got anxiety issues?

Because although I haven't now, I had really bad anxiety issues, and would like him, sign up for stuff and then bottle it. Get a job and then be terrified.

However, i did just fight through it and personally tough love was exactly what I needed, though it definitely depends on how bad the anxiety is, to whether you need actual treatment, or therapy (which I was offered but declined)

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:37

And before everybody jumps on that comment, a family member of mine works for the Benefits Agency. So I'm not just quoting the DM...

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/11/2016 13:38

I have a family member who has quite selfishly, in my view, kept her children dependent on her because she needs them around. None of her children have fulfilled their potential because she has stifled them.

I do think your DH should keep inviting your DSS to things because he probably needs breathing space. Maybe he can find small ways to start to encourage independence, such as travelling somewhere on public transport rather than having Dad take him.

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:39

no, she wouldn't get 'handouts' for her adult son, but if he was working his income would be taken into account when calculating her benefits, so hers would be cut

Only to a limited extent. He'll be expected to make a small contribution now as an independent adult living with the householder.

How has this branched off into a thesis about the DM wanting the DSS not to work for 'handout' reasons?!

OP is still refusing to consider the MH/SN angle but is pursuing this Shock

Softkitty2 · 02/11/2016 13:39

Thats like my bil who plays at being an adult. He cant keep his own place without top up from his parents.. He has a gf who doesnt work. We all went on a holiday in the summer. Pil were handing over bil their wallet so he can buy himself and gf a cup of tea.
Ridiculous.

EverySongbirdSays · 02/11/2016 13:41

I don't want to argue the toss over it, but the system has been overhauled, and sanctions exist now.

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:42

How has this branched off into a thesis about the DM wanting the DSS not to work for 'handout' reasons?!

What is your point? I thought we were all discussing possible reasons why the situation has come about, and possible solutions. Financial implications if the mother is claiming benefits could be one of the reasons.

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:44

he'd have to jump through lots of hoops and prove he's actively seeking work

Ha, if only that were true....

thingsthatgo you ARE the Daily Mail if you believe that shite. The sanctions regime is wreaking havoc across the UK. Young people are low hanging fruit for 'advisers' trying to hit sanction targets.

Manumission · 02/11/2016 13:45

What is your point? I thought we were all discussing possible reasons why the situation has come about, and possible solutions. Financial implications if the mother is claiming benefits could be one of the reasons.

So the financial implications to his mother's benefits explain his lack of confidence, his reluctance to go anywhere or leave his room, his apathy, his social issues etc do they? Okay then Hmm

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight · 02/11/2016 13:47

I only 'believe that shite' because I have heard it direct from people doing that job. Unless you do that job yourself, I don't know how your opinion is any more relevant than mine.

Anyway, point made, you clearly have an axe to grind and I don't want to derail the thread. Peace and love.

kidssmilesarethebest · 02/11/2016 13:47

*Why the hell is he allowed to not work/go to College/Uni?

That's ridiculous.

Stop giving him money. Tell him he has to find work.*

This!! Totally this!

PlumsGalore · 02/11/2016 13:49

thingsthatgo you ARE the Daily Mail if you believe that shite. The sanctions regime is wreaking havoc across the UK. Young people are low hanging fruit for 'advisers' trying to hit sanction targets

Agreed. As are the vulnerable. Can't even begin to tell you the stress and heartache my DP are still going through in their 80s because my 50+ year old brother with SN keeps getting sanctioned because his 14 a week job applications are not enough. They are still financially supporting him, but hey! as long as the job centre meets its targets eh?

OllyBJolly · 02/11/2016 13:49

Not your circus...

It's your DH and the DSS's mother who have to resolve this. You seem desperate to find a way to pin some blame on the mother...

I pay for my kids when we go out. If they come on holiday with us I pay for them too. They would bring their own spending money but they have both always worked.

My sister is on benefits. She is treated like shit and no one can tell me living on benefits is an easy life. The money issue wouldn't concern me as much as the social issue. I hope somebody around this poor lad cares enough to help him.

leanback · 02/11/2016 13:51

I'm 23 and when I go out for meals with my parents or pil they still always pay Blush though I have just finished my masters and I'm waiting to start my new job so I haven't had disposable income.

If we go for a drink we will get a round though.

Bluebolt · 02/11/2016 13:53

I feel really sorry for him, no drive, no independence and no foreseeable future. Spending that much time in your room without money must be bad for mental health. My parents enabled my brother and then complained about him. It took their deaths for him and by then wife and DCs to stand on their own. What made it worse was I ended up giving to my parents to cover what the gave to DB and I ended up the enabler.

PortiaCastis · 02/11/2016 13:54

Why enable this manchild to sit on his butt.
Tell your DH to stop giving him money

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2016 13:55

Ok, so you don't like the mother either. If she's on benefits it's even more unreasonable to expect the son to pay when he has no money of his own and his mother is on benefits.

And no supporting two sets of adults on benefits isn't easy.

Really, your husband is not supporting him financially. He buys him the occasional treat when they see each other. I think it's wrong of uou to pressurise your husband to not even do that for his son, irrelevant of how you feel about the guy.

You have no real skin in this game, it's up to the parents and the son. Complaining about him and his mum and objecting if uour husband buys him a drink or takes him out is out of line in my view.