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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that 'save the date' doesn't mean wedding invite

242 replies

Corialanusburt · 02/11/2016 09:20

We received a wedding save the date card several months ago for August. The bride is a relative of dp. We therefore factored wedding in to holiday planning, though we've not booked yet. I also bought a lovely dress.

MIL has now been told that our invite won't be for the service or the reception but for the evening disco. We'd need to do an hour and a half's drive to get there.

I have no problem with receiving an evening invite, but I am annoyed at having received a save the date card which led me to plan for a full wedding.

So what is the etiquette for this? Should they have specified on the save the date card what we were invited to?

OP posts:
randomsabreuse · 03/11/2016 21:31

We did save the date cards - we have lots of friends in jobs that involve working weekends so getting the request to not be on for a particular weekend in as early as possible is crucial. Evening invites were only DH's colleagues so they knew the date pretty well the same time as our parents as he booked the relevant leave then!

Flisspaps · 03/11/2016 21:38

I didn't bother with save the date cards. We booked the wedding and reception and then sent out invitations.

I think save the dates are a very recent thing. It's just another money spinner.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/11/2016 21:39

miss I gather you did not go!

JosephineMaynard · 03/11/2016 21:43

I'm amazed at all the people saying that they wouldn't go to 'a disco'. Even an evening invitation is to celebrate with the couple and if you thought anything of them, the distance or fact that they didn't ask you to the day would not matter

Generally, at least in my experience, evening only invites tend to come from people that I'm not that close to. Colleagues, acquaintances, distant relatives and so on.

So while I'll happily accept an invite to an evening reception near home, I'm not going to put myself out massively to go to an evening only invite.

DirtyBlonde · 03/11/2016 21:47

I'd probably travel a long way to attend a wedding.

I'd probably not do that to attend a party, whether it was marking a wedding or for some other occasion.

They're quite different events.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 03/11/2016 21:49

I've never had a save the date card, I don't think they've really caught on here.
When I see STD I always think it means Sexually Transmitted Disease. Compared to that, an evening invitation isn't so bad, is it?

BlackNo1 · 03/11/2016 21:57

A save the date card ...for a wedding disco?

No. No.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 03/11/2016 22:08

An STD card

I REALLY don't want one of those. It sounds like it requires a trip to a gum clinic...

I would expect a save the date card to be for all day guests only personally.

StrawberryLime · 03/11/2016 22:10

What is the actual point of save the date cards?! We got one the other year and I was Confused as I'd never even heard of them before.
It's not an invite, so what the hell is it?! A card to tell someone to keep the date free? Well wouldn't you be doing that when you received an actual invite anyway?!
Utterly ridiculous and pointless.

clippityclop · 03/11/2016 22:19

Ditch the disco, book a holiday and enjoy wearing your new frock. There's something pretentious about STD cards IMO, they're really unnecessary.

emjayspring · 03/11/2016 22:20

I'm really interested to read this - we're getting married next summer and we're sending out save the dates so it's good to get an idea of how people like to be treated etc. (no grumpiness when guests can't attend/say they can't come and so on).

It's really hard for us as we both have huge families and close family friends (over 110 people!). This means that a lot of our friends who we'd love to be at the whole day we just can't cater for, for the meal in the afternoon.

We're either inviting people to the ceremony, drinks and cake afterwards and then the evening, or the full day. For those not invited to the meal, we're including a list of nice things to do in the afternoon, and affordable cafes and restaurants in the area which we love to eat at. We're also going to have an ample buffet in the evening - we're self catering so we have control over that.

We really do want everyone to be there for whatever bit they can be there for - it's agonising and utterly horrible having to pick between friends and it's not random ex-colleagues it's close friends. But not inviting family members are the kind of acts that cause family feuds which no one wants.

So hard - but good to be prompted to think about it. I think it's strange not to be invited for the ceremony - that's the most important bit! I know I'd rather go to that bit of the day verses anything else. But perhaps that's just me!

BonusNewt · 03/11/2016 22:24

When I was invited to the ceremony and the evening but not the meal ( apparently that was just going to be a small affair) I did think "they don't want the church to look empty".

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 03/11/2016 22:30

In defence of save the date cards - we had lots of people travelling from abroad (Central Europe, Australia, USA) and we wanted to give them ample time to book flights and accommodation. I felt it was polite to give them a years' notice if they did want to make those plans.

But yes - only to all day guests!

MsJudgemental · 03/11/2016 22:36

Don't bother. Go away and wear your dress then.

YouOKHun · 03/11/2016 22:44

I'd write back to the happy couple in the third person (this will give them an intro to proper wedding etiquette):

"Corialanusbert thanks Miss Bridie Zilla for her slightly naff save the date card. She regrets, however, that she has a library book to take back that day so cannot attend"

Fecking weddings.

TheCraicDealer · 03/11/2016 22:55

DP and I are getting married next September- still in the U.K. but his side will have to fly. I'd rather give those guests the opportunity to get flights at £60 return as opposed to £200+, and have the chance to shop around with accommodation rather than face a limited choice. But I guess I better cancel those STDs as I've obviously just been sucked in by the mercenary wedding industry. Foiled again!

Although STDs for the evening only are pure ridic. It sets up expectations so I do think it's a real faux pas on the couple's part. No-one has the right to get annoyed at an evening guest not coming, so why send one out?

Tapandgo · 03/11/2016 23:07

If you know when your wedding is and want to help guests buy cheap flights and accommodation - why not just send wedding invites rather than 'save the date cards?

Mummyme1987 · 03/11/2016 23:14

Glad I'm not the only one sniggering at STD cards.

Mummyme1987 · 03/11/2016 23:18

We had a tiny wedding with very few daytime guests. We sent save the evening cards explaing it was a tiny wedding for financial reasons but we really wanted them to come in the evening. If we had 100+ day guests we wouldn't have done.

TheCraicDealer · 03/11/2016 23:46

I could imagine the thread now- "I just got an invite for a wedding that's in ten months- AIBU to think the bride should get a life?". It would be seen by many as very bridezilla and I'm trying to avoid that. We also don't know what time the ceremony/meal/reception are going to start and probably won't for a good while yet. There are some pretty specific things re. people actually getting into the venue which have to be firmed up, with instructions to be on the invite and I haven't even starting thinking about that yet. STDs are cheap and easy to order and contain just the basic info (which I have hahaha), so why not?

MissSeventies · 04/11/2016 01:24

ARumWithaView, exactly. That is who I always thought of for evening invites, colleagues, neighbours, people you know from the running/ rugby/ football club. When I have been on that side of an evening invite I have been delighted to have been asked and to have been included in the celebration.

Aeroflot girl, no I did not go. The invite came from a former very close and whom I still considered close enough to invite to my wedding a few years previous (they came) I would not have missed it had I been asked.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/11/2016 01:45

I'm amazed at all the people saying that they wouldn't go to 'a disco'. Even an evening invitation is to celebrate with the couple and if you thought anything of them, the distance or fact that they didn't ask you to the day would not matter.

And if they thought anything of you, they'd have invited you to the whole day!

Debandherkids · 04/11/2016 03:54

I think communication is becoming impersonal. It seems like a manager sending a memo getting all the casual staff available for work then not using half of them. I would assume it was important to the wedding party I am free on that day. Otherwise, why not just announce your engagement.

Yakitori · 04/11/2016 05:22

And if they thought anything of you, they'd have invited you to the whole day!

Exactly. The way of doing weddings in the last 5 years or so (or at least, on MN - not borne out IRL IME) seems to be that it's the b&g's day, so anything goes, and bugger all the people expected to turn up and spend money. "If they loved you they'd make the effort" is a classic narc/controlling tactic.

Yakitori · 04/11/2016 05:28

Back in days of yore (the noughties) when I got married I just emailed people to tell them the wedding date (as a lot of friends/family asked as they wanted to keep it free) or, you know, told them in person as we saw them. The invitations went out 3 months before and only a couple of people couldn't make it.