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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that 'save the date' doesn't mean wedding invite

242 replies

Corialanusburt · 02/11/2016 09:20

We received a wedding save the date card several months ago for August. The bride is a relative of dp. We therefore factored wedding in to holiday planning, though we've not booked yet. I also bought a lovely dress.

MIL has now been told that our invite won't be for the service or the reception but for the evening disco. We'd need to do an hour and a half's drive to get there.

I have no problem with receiving an evening invite, but I am annoyed at having received a save the date card which led me to plan for a full wedding.

So what is the etiquette for this? Should they have specified on the save the date card what we were invited to?

OP posts:
Yakitori · 04/11/2016 05:41

Also I don't understand people who are trying to save on costs and "can't afford for everyone to be there all day" paying for two rounds of catering. Just get married at 3pm and have a single hot buffet meal at 6pm (with drinks and snacks available earlier while photos are being taken). Some of the best food I've had at weddings has been done this way, where tables get up two at a time and help themselves. That way guests know they have to have breakfast and lunch before the ceremony, the meal is done, speeches done and tables cleared away by 8.30/9pm and there is plenty of time to dance the night away.

ARumWithAView · 04/11/2016 06:53

I think STD cards are handy if you're getting married in peak wedding/holiday season -- we've been invited to 3+ weddings each summer for the past few years (I have a million cousins and they're all getting married this decade) so it does help to plan.

I understand people can't send the full invitation months and months in advance, because every single invite I've received recently includes twenty-seven different bits of paper, a personalised paperclip, a hand-drawn map of the local area, and a by-the-minute rundown of the day's events. That is a serious time commitment.

emjayspring, I'm sorry -- you sound very nice, and I see your reasoning (and apologies if I've misunderstood the setup). But: inviting people to church and drinks, then requesting some of them go somewhere else while a smaller group has a sit-down meal, and then asking them to return for the evening reception... that's exactly the kind of arrangement which gets people's backs up. And not without reason.

user114114 · 04/11/2016 06:58

We only sent them to all day people, I would assume I was going to the whole day if i was sent a STD

You have a right to be annoyed for sure especially if you would have gone on holiday over that date!

MargaretCavendish · 04/11/2016 07:52

We're either inviting people to the ceremony, drinks and cake afterwards and then the evening, or the full day.

Please don't do this. I've been that guest and it's rubbish - wandering around in wedding clothes isn't much fun, unless you know a big crowd of people doing the same (and then they'll either turn back up drunk or not at all!). Being chucked out of a party then expected to return is incredibly anticlimatic and it's hard to feel in a celebratory mood for the evening bit - much harder than if you'd only just arrived. I don't like evening invitations at all and we didn't have them at our wedding, but I'd far rather a straightforward evening invite than this sort of split day.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2016 08:24

I agree, emjay, please don't do this, it is not very nice and does not sit well with guests, having to be kicked out of the celebration, whilst others get to join in. If you have to, invite those that are close family and friends to all of it, and those who are not, to an evening celebration. If that's not possible, scale it down, so that you can invite all to the full day.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2016 08:24

Yes people might not bother to come back, just say what the hell, and go home.

ConvincingLiar · 04/11/2016 08:25

I'm afraid that emjayspring's invitation is likely to upset/offend the B listers. Might be better to invite to party only and then personally mention that they could come for the ceremony and cake if they wanted.

I don't mind StD cards, but only for A listers.

We booked our wedding in July having checked that the essential people would be available (parents/siblings/v best friends) then told people in Christmas cards when it would take place in August then proper invitations went out in June ish. We didn't have a B list.

JustDanceAddict · 04/11/2016 08:30

I hate Save the date cards and agree you would tell your nearest and deRest of the dates and then send out invites in good time. A friend of mine received one for a mutual friend's occasion and then didn't get invited - now they don't really talk, it's awkward socially, etc.

Morgana63 · 04/11/2016 08:35

AIBU to expect my xH to invite his young adult kids when his side are having a celebratory family gathering and to inform them when their grandma has been taken seriously ill? Kids have a reasonable relationship with him but they only find out about these things after the event through cousins or on social media. I'm constantly picking up the pieces of the devastation he causes them by excluding them and then lying about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2016 08:36

If you have an evening celebration, make sure it starts on time, that B listers are not waiting around for an hour, as the ones invited to the full day have not finished, awkward really. Ensure there is decent food, not resembling kids party food with not much to go around. These are people who spent 14 years ago, 14k on their wedding, £300 cake apparently, in a posh hotel.

chatnanny · 04/11/2016 08:38

When my DD got married we did send out STDs so that people could book travel whilst it was cheap. We certainly didn't send them to the few people who were evening only. Personally, I think evening only is only acceptable for people who are local.

suuzzzy · 04/11/2016 09:01

So now i'm feeling a bit awkward, I've just sent out some save the date cards for next August. We are getting married abroad with only close family. We are having a party, kind of wedding reception when we return. We sent some save the date cards out to those invited to the reception, although they did say to celebrate the wedding of. So should I have sent these??

ViewBasket · 04/11/2016 09:16

I don't like STD cards. Why should anyone "save the date" if details aren't given of what they'd be saving it for? Better to contact people informally, email them just to say the day you're planning for, or perhaps put a note in Christmas cards saying "we're getting married on X date, invitations to follow".

ARumWithAView · 04/11/2016 09:17

I don't think you should feel awkward, Suuzzzy. I don't think a STD mailout is necessary for an evening event, but at worst you just look organised and enthusiastic about your guests attending.

It's the ambiguity of the STD-which-turns-into-a-partial-invite-only which annoys people. It messes your guests around and is purely for the bride and groom's convenience: you can mass-mail everyone months in advance to ensure maximum turnout, but then also get the expensive formal meal you want by making a cut-list later. Of course there's always a cut-list, and you can't invite everyone, but there's no need to highlight that.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2016 09:54

'It's really hard for us as we both have huge families and close family friends (over 110 people!). This means that a lot of our friends who we'd love to be at the whole day we just can't cater for, for the meal in the afternoon.

We're either inviting people to the ceremony, drinks and cake afterwards and then the evening, or the full day. For those not invited to the meal, we're including a list of nice things to do in the afternoon, and affordable cafes and restaurants in the area which we love to eat at. We're also going to have an ample buffet in the evening - we're self catering so we have control over that.'

Oh, dear god! Come on over, then fuck off and spend more money feeding yourself all the places we love to go, then come back when I call you. Like a dog.

Just get married later and have the buffet for everyone rather than do this people.

I can't believe people find this acceptable, this 'fuck off whilst some of us have a meal'. And then 'give me money as a gift'.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2016 09:58

'Yes people might not bother to come back, just say what the hell, and go home.'

Or think, 'WTF? How rude!' and not go at all.

ViewBasket · 04/11/2016 10:15

If you invite people to the ceremony they will probably be going to a lot of effort and expense. Travel, finding something to wear, possibly time off work, finding a place to stay, making childcare arrangements if needs be, taking the time to choose and buy a gift. Of course hospitality requires they should be given decent food, not sent away to fend for themselves all afternoon.

ARumWithAView · 04/11/2016 10:46

'Or think, 'WTF? How rude!' and not go at all.'

...or just misread the invitation and come expecting lunch! Most people, seeing 'ceremony at 1pm at X, reception to follow at Y' would assume that's a full day invite.

Genuine question: is there any way to politely say 'please go away between 2pm and 5pm'? Isn't any attempt to phrase it tactfully going to sound ambiguous? After the service, we encourage you to sample the many local amenities? Um -- thanks, but I'm in my best clothes and have just had a few glasses of champage, so I don't really fancy wandering around town looking for a sandwich. It's kind of you to suggest a mid-wedding hiatus, but I think I'll just stay with the wedding party. There isn't room! I love you and value your presence but please bugger off for a bit!

MargaretCavendish · 04/11/2016 10:59

Might be better to invite to party only and then personally mention that they could come for the ceremony and cake if they wanted.

Very much seconded - phrased as a 'so sorry we couldn't invite for whole day, if you happen to be free earlier then...'. Absolutely no one will come to the earlier bit, though. Because absolutely no one wants to wander around for a few hours like this.

MargaretCavendish · 04/11/2016 11:04

Rum that's exactly what happened when I went to a wedding like this (with an exbf). We had not realised at all that we weren't wanted between ceremony and evening - we were about to jump into one of the taxis laid on to get the A list to the reception venue when a similarly exiled friend put us straight and explained a) that we were going to have to sit in a pub for four hours in our finery and b) we would then have to get our own taxi - no laid on transport for the dregs! We were young and it was the first non-family wedding I'd ever been to, so I didn't realise quite how odd it was at the time...

ViewBasket · 04/11/2016 11:17

If I was invited to a ceremony, a 4-hour gap and an evening do, I'd attend the ceremony to see the couple marry, stay for the photos and a quick drink, and then go home.

TrojanWhore · 04/11/2016 11:19

"Just get married later and have the buffet for everyone rather than do this people. "

Sounds like a much better plan!

AuntieStella · 04/11/2016 11:21

"If I was invited to a ceremony, a 4-hour gap and an evening do, I'd attend the ceremony to see the couple marry, stay for the photos and a quick drink, and then go home."

Ditto!

Jojofjo44 · 04/11/2016 11:43

We are getting married in April, and have very limited funds to do so. If we had thousands to spend, I would dearly love to invite everyone all day but we are limited to 50 people. Most of you seem to think that not being invited all day is an insult, so to be honest, we probably wouldn't be friends anyway.
Everyone that has been asked to come, whether it is all day or just the evening reception are people that we love and wish to celebrate with. We just can't afford to have them all day.
We are minimising it by getting married at 3pm and having a hog roast instead of a sit down meal, and asking evening guests to come after 1830.
I don't think that makes us entitled, the only alternative is to not invite them at all.
Also, I totally understand that everyone may not come, and we are not asking for gifts. We simply want their presence with us on our special day.

Jojofjo44 · 04/11/2016 11:45

We also do have an evening buffet and are having both because that is the package.