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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not bother with these friends anymore?

65 replies

Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 08:06

Ok so will try and keep it brief

Friend1, flaky, not much in common, she has young children, I don't, I always make first contact, we just go to her house as she never has any money, doesn't have the car,
Recently I had an operation, I told her twice when it was its been 6 weeks now and I've not even had a text from her
Before her son was born I dropped a baby basket round which took considerable time money and effort, he was born a week later, I text congrats and can't wait to see him, no reply for 5 weeks, when I did see her I asked if she'd been busy with family etc, she said no just been doing nothing really,
I buy her kids birthday and xmas presents, I'm pretty sure she can't even name my kids! I could go on

Friend 2, work colleague, we get along always have a laugh I really like her, but her best friend hates me, I've heard rumours they've been bitching about me but don't know who to trust
Then a new girl started, and I saw them together she was so friendly with her, the way she is with me but she had only known her a few hours
She'll often chat to people in a really friendly way and as soon as they walk away turn and say "I hate them"
She never invites me on group nights out, when I asked why she said it's because I live a couple of miles away I would have to drive :/
Really can't trust her

Friend 3, got in major trouble at work, was fired, I showed support as they were a good friend (I thought) and I was worried they might do something silly, picked up some of their belongings and was a shoulder to cry on
5 months later, I haven't heard from them, I still have their belongings (nothing of value) it's their birthday this week would you bother to text?
I see on Facebook they've moved on, got s new job, seem happy

Friend 4, a relation, I'm always the one to contact them, I ask them to meet/do stuff, but they give me random excuses, like I'm watching tv that night, I'm making a toad in the hole,
REALLY, these are the excuses to not meet up
If I ask 5 times to meet up 1 might be successful
But they are family

Sorry it's long, wwyd?

OP posts:
Milklollies · 02/11/2016 08:10

It seems to me that you're the common denominator in all these friendships going awry. Don't get hung up and don't bother. Don't always be the first person to initiate anything. Get some hobbies and spend your time doing things that you enjoy. I think you're emotionally needy and always have to be around people to feel secure. Flowers

Milklollies · 02/11/2016 08:10

Dump all these people as friends by the way.

QueenofallIsee · 02/11/2016 08:10

I would find new friends - I am really sorry OP, but not one of those people seems to consider you any more than a friendly acquaintance. I mean this nicely (honestly) but are you someone who struggles to notice social cues? For instance, someone saying 'I am watching TV' to me would be saying 'I would much rather watch TV than see you' and that would be my cue to back off gracefully...there wouldn't be another 4 times that I ask for their time as they have given me every indication that they are not fussed!

TheNewWife · 02/11/2016 08:14

What's the saying? In life you get friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think these 4 have finished their 'season'.
You sound lovely, therefore, I'm sure the 4 listed are not your only friends. I'd take a step back and if none of them initiate any more contact then you've found your answer. Expel your nice nature onto other friends or making new ones.

Original poster
Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 08:16

I know that watching tv is the crappest excuse ever, but they are family that's why I keep trying with them

OP posts:
ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 02/11/2016 08:17

I think you realise yourself that these friendships are more or less over OP. I would be careful giving presents, don't expect it to be reciprocated. As the old saying goes 'we don't give to receive'. If you are to give someone a present, make sure you are doing it because you want to, not through some sort of necesity, or social norm.

Original poster
Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 08:18

I don't expect presents back, she doesn't have much money so I like to pick up nice things for the kids when I can, I even buy her nappies
But my point was, I don't think she can even name my children :/

OP posts:
CrossfireHurricane · 02/11/2016 08:24

I really really don't want to come across as rude but from reading that I don't think they consider you as a close friend.
Forget them and concentrate on people that are kind to you.

BigPointyStick · 02/11/2016 08:25

Queen has it spot on.

Original poster
Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 08:26

Yeah, I kind of expected these answers, just wanted to make sure!
These are my only friends unfortunately

OP posts:
Bubblegum18 · 02/11/2016 08:26

I agree with milklollies you do seem to be the common demoniator here.

Maybe you want more of your friendship then you do. Are you single? Normally especially first friend if she's just had a baby she's busy settling down as a family and they come first friendships are still there just on the back burner.

I have two very close uni friends who I see now again even gone years with hectic lives new jobs homes families but when we meet up its as if we never been apart. ( these two girls don't have children but are very understanding it's hard being a mum to young children)

I also had two other friends who didn't understand that by having a family my priorities altered and my young family came first.so I wasn't always available or too tired to go out on a night out. These friendships frizzled out because they couldn't understand this and they wanted different things.

I also have school friends who we see now and again who have families and sometimes it's hectic to get time when we are all available but we understand we have busy lives. I do wonder if your expections are unrealistic.

Original poster
Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 08:28

I have a husband and 4 teenagers, 2 jobs, I understand people are busy too

OP posts:
TheNewWife · 02/11/2016 08:31

If you're working two jobs, don't you have any colleagues that you particularly 'click' with and could suggest meeting out of work for a drink? Christmas is coming so it's an excuse for Festive Wine Time?!
What about the the Mums of your 4 children's friends? No one there you get on with enough to suggest meeting as friends?

Original poster
Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 08:36

One job I work alone
The other job is a small company, and that's friend 2 she's the ring leader
My kids are all teens now, I don't really know there friends parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 08:41

It's just so confusing, I've posted before about not having friends, and the advice has been
"You must put in the effort"
I don't know what to do for the best, what ever I'm doing its not working

OP posts:
TheNewWife · 02/11/2016 08:44

Well I moved overseas just over 4 years ago and knew no one so just had to go forth and make friends. The area I live has a FB page which I met two very nice girls through. Some were the wives of my DHs colleagues. I appreciate we were all expats and in the same boat so perhaps that made it easier.
What about throwing a casual pre-Xmas drinks party of your neighbours and DHs colleagues and wives?! Might allow you to socialise with people that you normally wouldn't? Or do you have a hobby and could join a club where likeminded people would be?
What about you and your hubby trying to get to your local same time every week for a quiz night or something?

Original poster
Isitlunchtimeyet · 02/11/2016 09:02

I've literally tried everything, I've put in so much effort, and these are the best friends I can get
I don't have the energy to try anymore, it's been 30 years of trying and failing (it all went wrong age 10!) I think I need to give myself a break

OP posts:
TheNewWife · 02/11/2016 09:06

Maybe they're all used to you making the effort and once you pull back they'll step up? Again, if they don't, then regardless of timescales or that they're family etc, you're better off without them and will have more free time to pursue other friendships.
Don't be so hard on yourself OP

bettytaghetti · 02/11/2016 09:10

Isitlunchtimeyet your last post brought a tear to my eye. Some people are givers and some are takers. Unfortunately the people around you are taking advantage of you being the former.
I wouldn't completely cut off all these people, I just wouldn't keep putting yourself out for them.
I don't have the biggest group of friends, and no-one that I would call a best friend, as my family travelled for work quite a bit when I was growing up and so I was often the outsider. However I do consider DH to be my best friend (& certainly the one I have most fun with! ;-) ). You say that your kids are teenagers and probably starting to drift away and do their own thing if they're anything like mine. I would concentrate your considerable kindness & efforts on spending quality time with your husband and look forward to all the fun things you will be able to do when it's just the 2 of you again.

maggiethemagpie · 02/11/2016 09:16

Hi OP, what these 'friend'ships seem to be lacking in a big way is reciprocity! I used to have very one sided friendships where I always put in more than the other, eventually I realised that if it isn't reciprocated it's not a real friendship, doesn't have to be 50/50 all the time but if they're not putting something in, it's time to walk away, or else you may as well have DOORMAT tattoed on your forehead.

SheldonsSpot · 02/11/2016 09:18

I think you should probably stop any unnecessary contact with these people and take a breather.

I don't know what it is about your first post but it all sounds a bit frantic and intense - as if you're the first person to jump in and be "rescuer", perhaps when it's not necessarily wanted or expected by them, and you're expecting a wonderful friendship in return.

Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can meet people and build relationships naturally with them?

Because it rather sounds like at the moment you're just picking random people and thinking "I'll be friends with them" without having much/anything in common and without letting a friendship naturally develop and progress - and without them feeling the same about you.

RB68 · 02/11/2016 09:20

I think you have to learn to accept flaws in friends - I am not saying those that bitch about you etc, although low level you can cope with this is how they are and not give them fodder, but friends are entitled to not be great at certain things and have character flaws as are you. The question is whether you are prepared to accept and work with that flaw.

I was told secondary is the hardest school phase as you know none of the parents and rarely see them. So one thing I have done is set up a parents facebook page - now its not used massively but within a few days there were plenty of people on there showing a need for it. I now need to think about how I use that going forward. I recall my parents being quite involved in secondary for F/R and events which seems to have been pushed out in the current secondary system. The only parental involvement seems to be writing cheques or rather paying for things on parentpay when a little red button comes up.

SheldonsSpot · 02/11/2016 09:22

You sound lovely btw Flowers I think you'd be a fantastic friend when you find the right people.

Bloopbleep · 02/11/2016 09:30

They don't deserve your friendship. Don't make so much of an effort when it's not reciprocated. I always prefer to have a thousand acquaintances than a best friend. It keeps your options open and you don't get so invested that bitching and backstabbing becomes an issue.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/11/2016 09:37

Your are the common denominator but I don't really consider work friendships to be true friends from my experience.

first friend could be busy with new baby. forget about relative! friend 3 ditch. if anything try again with first friend.