Aibu to not bother with these friends anymore?

[Isitlunchtimeyet]

Ok so will try and keep it brief

Friend1, flaky, not much in common, she has young children, I don't, I always make first contact, we just go to her house as she never has any money, doesn't have the car,
Recently I had an operation, I told her twice when it was its been 6 weeks now and I've not even had a text from her
Before her son was born I dropped a baby basket round which took considerable time money and effort, he was born a week later, I text congrats and can't wait to see him, no reply for 5 weeks, when I did see her I asked if she'd been busy with family etc, she said no just been doing nothing really,
I buy her kids birthday and xmas presents, I'm pretty sure she can't even name my kids! I could go on

Friend 2, work colleague, we get along always have a laugh I really like her, but her best friend hates me, I've heard rumours they've been bitching about me but don't know who to trust
Then a new girl started, and I saw them together she was so friendly with her, the way she is with me but she had only known her a few hours
She'll often chat to people in a really friendly way and as soon as they walk away turn and say "I hate them"
She never invites me on group nights out, when I asked why she said it's because I live a couple of miles away I would have to drive :/
Really can't trust her

Friend 3, got in major trouble at work, was fired, I showed support as they were a good friend (I thought) and I was worried they might do something silly, picked up some of their belongings and was a shoulder to cry on
5 months later, I haven't heard from them, I still have their belongings (nothing of value) it's their birthday this week would you bother to text?
I see on Facebook they've moved on, got s new job, seem happy

Friend 4, a relation, I'm always the one to contact them, I ask them to meet/do stuff, but they give me random excuses, like I'm watching tv that night, I'm making a toad in the hole,
REALLY, these are the excuses to not meet up
If I ask 5 times to meet up 1 might be successful
But they are family

Sorry it's long, wwyd?

Ok I've tried
The gym
Swimming
Exercise classes
Neighbours
Work colleagues
Old school acquaintances
School gate mums
Toddler groups
Online friends
Volunteering
Horse riding
Running club
Husbands friends
Husbands colleagues
Family and their friends

I'm really failing at this

I've volunteered at a stables, was treated as free labour, didn't click with any one, wouldn't go back
I also volunteered at a charity shop, only 2 others worked there, was mainly sent to clean old minging fridges and Hoover

Isitlunchtimeyet, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel worse. You aren't failing, it's tough all this stuff, but I think the key here is looking at yourself. It's fine to want all of that stuff, but it can't be forced unfortunately, it either happens or it doesn't. Go easy on yourself. xx

Isitlunchtimeyet : You know what your main problem is don't you, your too nice for your own good. Bin them all off. In fact if any of them contact you again either don't text back for days or say your doing your ironing. (well it's just as daft as saying you have been doing nothing.) Be as unavailable to them as they are to you. Don't be wasting your money and time on them. Please.

I appreciate everyone's help and honesty
I'd rather hear a helpful truth than an unhelpful lie, even if it hurts a little
I need to stop seeking out people who need help, and just do things for me
If any of them contact me I'll be unavailable for now
I've taken the comments on board and will make a fresh start in the way I start friendships, thanks so much

You sound lovely, OP. Maybe you should try having a break and see if they make an effort to get in touch with you. To be honest, they sound a bit rude and don't deserve your thoughtfulness.

I lost most of my friends due to me pulling back from one of the friendships which was very unhealthy. I've found it difficult making friends since but the way I see it is that I know what I bring to the table therefore I'm not afraid to eat alone. Take a step back get to know yourself then the right people will come into your life and it won't be difficult.

Try and remember OP, it's not just you that is chosen, you do the choosing too! Look out for people who talk about themselves but then when you talk about you or your family, they immediately twist it back to them. Complete red flag. Also people who always have a problem but when they don't, you don't see them for dust. Look for people who are nice about others behind their back. It's okay to have selfish people as acquaintances, if they might be fun for a night out. But don't mistake them for good friends. When you get involved in an activity, try not to treat it as an opportunity to make new friends, just enjoy it for what it is. Otherwise you can look a bit desperate and needy. Friendships are then more likely to develop organically. You sound really nice OP, and when you find the right people, I'm sure you'll develop really good friendships. Btw, I've made all my best friendships since I was forty. And the crap ones I've dropped and am delighted about it now

From the list provided, which did you do because of a genuine interest or pleasure, and which did you do as a means of trying to meet people and make friends?

Going forward, do only the activities that bring you pleasure.

I can honestly say that all the activities on the list I did because I wanted to enjoy them, not just to make friends

I would stop contacting them completely and see what they do.

I have actually ditched a couple of friends this year and they probably dont know why and are confused but I doubt they would have the self awareness to get it, even if i told them why.

I am not saying this is what has happened to you because you sound really nice and do kind things for people.

The friend I have ghosted we actually had lost touch before several years ago. But then I ran into her by chance and got her new number and then i remembered slowly why I hadnt been keen on her. When we first worked together, we had become friends but I noticed something very quickly that she is miserly despite earning lots of money. She is a good few years older than me so when we met at work, she was on a £45k salary (and this was 2006) and I was on a £16k salary as I as just starting out. She kept suggesting we go places and leaving me with the bill saying she paid last time and I said no you didnt...she never paid anything and kept trying to get me to pay.

She was fine when me met again and I had forgotten those incidents but they started creeping back.She knows I am between jobs at the moment and that I need to be careful with money. But she goes on and on about expensive things to do. Then when I started turning down things to do as I couldnt afford it, she started throwing things in my face. She said I saw you on facebook having a cocktails out, you can afford a bar bill but you cant afford this......cocktails on happy hour are £8 and you get two and I;ve done that once since I lost my job. The thing she wanted to do was £50! I began to get annoyed with her.

Then we talked about doing something together and I got the tickets in advance. It was supposed to be a nice night out and all the way there and after all the way home went on about my problems with work and she does this whenever I see her. She is almost making a spectacle of me, I find it very intrusive.

Then she started going on about other things for us to do and she made the point of saying i dont know how much these things will cost because my others friends always arrange it and pay for me.

When the time came to say goodbye, she said thanks for arranging this, so kind of you for sorting the tickets, thanks you so much and she walked off without offering any money for the ticket.....true to form as usual.

She messaged me a couple of times since about doing other stuff and asked could I afford to do it.so making it clear that she isnt going to pay for me when she hasnt paid for her ticket from last time. I took the hit on the ticket and I blocked her at that point and I bet she has no idea why.

My other friend is just irritating as arse. Everything you say she contradicts you. Everything you like she doesnt like and actually slags it off. So one day I told her to fuck off and blocked her on whatsapp. She probably blames me too and doesnt get why.

But if you asked these two friends why I backed away I bet they would say they dont know. The reasons are I am not being a walking ATM for one friend and I dont enjoy having everything from my choice in food and drink being slagged off by the other.

But it doesnt sound like there is anything you did OP. Just leave it be and see what they do.

I did wonder if I was the common denominator in these friendships too but I dont think so. I wouldnt be as rude as those two.

Sorry that this is a long post but you sound a bit like me OP. I realised one day that I was making all the effort so I made a decision to stop calling some people that I had considered friends, just to see how long it took before they called me. A couple of them are now at over eight years!
I tried all sorts as well and tried so hard and it really upset me when it wasn't reciprocated unless they wanted something so I started to set myself some rules:

1. I don't ask for emails or phone numbers unless they ask for mine first.
2. I never just "drop 'round" unexpectedly.
3. If they don't return a "Hello, how are you?" call or a text, I don't chase it.
4. I never try to arrange anything for the weekend after Wednesday evening. Equally, if someone tries to arrange something with me after a Wednesday evening, it's a no. Most people have already arranged weekends by Wednesday lunchtime. Don't be a back-up plan and don't treat anybody else like one.

Don't get me wrong, I still do have the urge to chuck my all into potential friendships and I still cock it up (my latest attempt was joining the PTA, so guess who ended up volunteering for everything on the first meeting?) but I give myself a good talking to and back off a bit.
Do I have tons of friends? No. I have two close friends that I've known for years and see about every two/three months - in fact one is the sister of one of the eight year+ offenders - but I'm okay with that. I have a couple of other friends that I met online and that's where our friendships live. Others are friendly acquaintances, we have a laugh and a chat and they are good fun to be around, but that's as far as it goes.
Finding a friend is a bit like dating and I think one will come along when you least expect it!

Thanks for replying
Queen, wow your friends sound complete dicks! I always pay my way, in fact I probably pay for them too sometimes, so it's not that with my friends, and I try to be agreeable even if something is not to my taste, although I do have my own opinion I don't force it on people and wouldn't bother to argue
You sound better off without them, although I do wonder how people like that manage to keep other friends?

And mazzy, I never ask for people's number as I find it awkward to find the right time any way, I'm never asked for mine unless it's work related!
I've been people's back up plan before, I feel that's OK as long as you know you are the back up, I mean if I have no where to go Saturday night and some one uses me as a back up, I'll happily use them for a night out, just remember to take it for what it is (learnt that the hard way)
I never drop round unexpectedly and I don't chase people
If they want to be in your life they will make to effort to be in it

Good luck guys in finding genuine friends x

You sound better off without them, although I do wonder how people like that manage to keep other friends?

I wondered whether that friend was so pushy with me as there maybe arent that many others?

Friend 1: I'd give her another chance. Surely no-one is really "doing nothing" if they're looking after their 5 week old baby? Flakiness isn't the worst friendship sin either IMO although others may disagree.

Friend 2: Just doesn't sound like a nice person, rather two-faced, selfish and not someone to trust.

Friend 3: Post their stuff to them (to their work if you don't know their address) and enclose a birthday card. If they've had a hard time then despite the happy FB page, they might still be having some problems and appreciate you getting in touch. But then, leave it up to them and if there's no reply you know that's that.

Friend 4: Keep trying (they're a relative and presumably in your life for the long term) but less often, so it doesn't annoy you as much. Or say "let me know when you'd be free to meet up" and make it clear the ball is in their court.

Of the activities you've tried, some of them like the gym, swimming and exercise classes aren't really places where you chat to people enough to make a friendship (at least that's what I've found, although some people manage it apparently!) So depending on your interests, perhaps some groups where you get to chat and get to know people more? Toddler groups and the school gate are fine if you happen to meet people you like, but you don't necessarily get on with people just because you have children the same age.

Good luck and keep us updated