Aibu to not bother with these friends anymore?

[Isitlunchtimeyet]

Ok so will try and keep it brief

Friend1, flaky, not much in common, she has young children, I don't, I always make first contact, we just go to her house as she never has any money, doesn't have the car,
Recently I had an operation, I told her twice when it was its been 6 weeks now and I've not even had a text from her
Before her son was born I dropped a baby basket round which took considerable time money and effort, he was born a week later, I text congrats and can't wait to see him, no reply for 5 weeks, when I did see her I asked if she'd been busy with family etc, she said no just been doing nothing really,
I buy her kids birthday and xmas presents, I'm pretty sure she can't even name my kids! I could go on

Friend 2, work colleague, we get along always have a laugh I really like her, but her best friend hates me, I've heard rumours they've been bitching about me but don't know who to trust
Then a new girl started, and I saw them together she was so friendly with her, the way she is with me but she had only known her a few hours
She'll often chat to people in a really friendly way and as soon as they walk away turn and say "I hate them"
She never invites me on group nights out, when I asked why she said it's because I live a couple of miles away I would have to drive :/
Really can't trust her

Friend 3, got in major trouble at work, was fired, I showed support as they were a good friend (I thought) and I was worried they might do something silly, picked up some of their belongings and was a shoulder to cry on
5 months later, I haven't heard from them, I still have their belongings (nothing of value) it's their birthday this week would you bother to text?
I see on Facebook they've moved on, got s new job, seem happy

Friend 4, a relation, I'm always the one to contact them, I ask them to meet/do stuff, but they give me random excuses, like I'm watching tv that night, I'm making a toad in the hole,
REALLY, these are the excuses to not meet up
If I ask 5 times to meet up 1 might be successful
But they are family

Sorry it's long, wwyd?

Sometimes it's ok not to have friends. It doesn't mean the end of life as you know it, just perhaps a temporary period of being on your own to perhaps work through some stuff for you. You don't like the bitchiness and the lack of reciprocal energy, so step back away and think about what you do want in a friendship. Don't give space to the bitchiness, disagree with it or change the subject. I hear you saying you have tried really hard and this is all you can get and I want to say back to you, in the nicest possible way, that that is rubbish. It doesn't work like that OP. I know this because I often fall foul of that belief too. There are infinite possibilities in life, and we have the choice where we sit with them. Don't lose yourself to these women, you deserve more.

Friendship is supposed to be a two-way thing, with all of the examples you provided in your OP, it seems like you are doing all of the leg work.
I've been in similar situations and finally got to the point where I thought, you know what, its not worth it. I'm a lot happier for it, and its made way for some much nicer, more balanced friendships!

OP
Your acccount reads like a Leonard Cohen lyric.

Sorry, that's not helpful but it struck me. As for the friends - none of them sounds worth the trouble. Friendship is a two way thing.

I agree, it's often better to be alone than in bad company. Please remember OP you have four teenagers to occupy your time, I know it's not quite the same but you are not alone and just perhaps at a crossroads in your life and relationships with these particular friends.

OP, from your title, I assumed that these friends were a group that were behaving unpleasantly or neglectfully to you, but as they are four entirely separate friendships in which the dynamic is the same (you, as you see it, continually investing time, money and effort and getting nothing in return), I do think you need to take on board that you are the common denominator here, and think analytically about how you are in relationships.

A few things in your OP remind me of my mother, who is a 'rescuer' and completely friendless in her 70s after a lifetime of 'service' relationships. She is utterly baffled that her daughter, who moves around the world a lot and doesn't rush about remembering birthdays or giving people baby presents, has strong, longstanding friendships.

I'm telling you about my mother in case it helps you think about your own situation - her self-esteem is so poor, she doesn't think anyone would be just interested in her company unless she martyrs herself for them. Because she presents herself as lowly handmaiden to those in need and is literally incapable of saying 'no', she becomes invisible - people stop noticing her when they're no longer in need, and certainly don't think of her in terms of someone whose company they want to seek out. And at some level she's deeply resentful of people for that - that's what reminded me of your OP. She'll go around saying 'People are selfish', which is true to an extent, but in fact, she's created this dynamic herself by the way she approaches relationships, and the kind of people she selects (largely because they're in need at the time.

If you go out and seek new friends - and it sounds as if you should - try to think about the dynamic you're creating.

What Scrubbedpine said. Yep, I have been your mum too, resentful when I get nothing back. I am learning to let go, it's about me, not anyone else. Be honest OP in how much of that post made sense to you.

That is me, so how do I stop it?
I'd really appreciate any advice here
Thanks

Learn to see yourself doing it, for all the martyrish pleasure it gives you, and once you can identify yourself in martyr mode, you can start to catch yourself and stop the behaviour. Start to see all the subtle ways you do it as well, for example, how much pleasure do you gain from attention on this post? How much do you 'need' to respond to people on facebook or other social media? How worried are you about the fallout from letting these friendships go? Do you actually, really and truly like the friends that you have started this post about? Why do you really think that you have tried really hard and got nothing in return? When did that sort of thinking start for you? What do you think you are 'owed' by other people? How angry are you day to day? Friendships don't last through obligation. You are worth more, but nobody else will see that unless you learn to prize it in yourself.

I'm so confused, no one owes me anything, I just want some one to hang out with
I really don't get it, I'm not resentful, I don't expect things in return, I just want friends
Where am I going wrong? I do have low self esteem, I just try to be nice to people

When I said that I am scrubbedpines mum I mean the bit about
I feel like no one is really interested or wants me around because I have low self esteem
I try and be nice all the time, and then become incapable of saying no, then when they don't need me anymore I become invisible
I really am invisible

I'm not resentful, I just feel like I'm doing something wrong some where or I'm just not very likeable or interesting

Sorry, OP, I realise my post sounded a bit condemning, as if I'm blaming you for your approach to friendships, when it's not that simple.

It's easier said than done, but I think you need to work on your self-esteem. If you think the only thing you have to contribute to friendships is a shoulder to cry on, then you're doing yourself an injustice.

I also think you need to feel stronger and happier in yourself before going back out there to seek out new friendships, so focus on things you enjoy right now, and can enjoy by yourself or with your family. Enrich your life, and don't judge it as invalid because it doesn't currently involve reciprocal friendships. Neediness and desperation are rarely attractive - and be careful you're not only seeking out those kinds of people, either, like my mother does. (I always note that my mother has no idea what to say to me when I'm feeling happy and on top of things - she's much, much happier when I'm low, because it makes her feel needed. I think she gives off the same vibe with other people, and it makes for very depressing interactions.)

Aim to have an interesting life in and for yourself, and then you're in the best possible position to find new people, and not to be, as it sounds as if you're currently doing, crawling after people who aren't that into you, half-desperate for their company and half-resentful of their lack of appreciation.

The hoary old advice to pack your life as much as possible with things you really enjoy doing is key here, I think.

Do you actually, really and truly like the friends that you have started this post about?

And yes, as mee said - do you actually genuinely like these people? And in fact her whole post is spot on.

OK

lets try some new tacks here. what are you interested in?

would you join WI (women's institute)?

I've met some nice friends through meet up groups - in fact my 4 closest friends right now (apart from school, college etc) are all through a meet up group or friendship.

You need to put yourself out there - maybe a Stitch and Bitch at local pub etc?

also if you do meet people don't be scared to say no or you're not available etc. if you don't click with someone you don't need to be their friends.

My mum made one friend in the toilets where she worked (advertising agency) years ago - the friend told her she liked her plaits, they've been friends for years. another friend she met whilst doing her teaching degree, they just clicked and knew they'd be friends - again for over 20 years until sadly that friend died.

I think when you see someone who seems nice, kind, interested in you, you know it.

Sorry I didn't mean to bombard you with questions like an interrogation, it was just stuff that occurred to me as I was reading what you have written!! I think you are missing the wonderful parts of yourself and I also agree you are doing yourself an injustice by placing your self-esteem at the floor of these other women. Scrubbedpine has some brilliant points and this thread is helping me too.

Not at all scrubbed pine,you've been the most helpful
I don't really feel resentful, I'm just so confused
I've tried so many hobbies/activities/volunteering, but I never get past the acquaintances stage
Took me 3 years to get a colleagues phone number
So I do try and cling to the "friendships" that I have
Friend 1 was an old work colleague, when I left the company she deleted me on Facebook, a few years later I bumped into her in the street and we had a little chat, I then went home and added her, why did I do that? She deleted me! I think it was because I thought she didn't have many friends so I could get in as a possible friend
Tbh I wish I had never added her then we wouldn't have started meeting up

I don't think I do like them very much, I like the bitchy one the best, we have similar age kids, lots in common, we chat endlessly and have a great laugh
BUT, I can't trust her, I think she may have been bitching about me in a serious way, and she seems to be able to spark up these fun conversations with anyone, then promptly bitch about them as soon as their back is turned

lets try some new tacks here. what are you interested in?

That's what I was about to say. OP, of younshift your focus to doing things that you enjoythat bring you entertainment, enjoyment, a sense of accomplishmentit is very likely others will be doing the same. Friendships should naturally follow from there, and if they don't, at least you've spent your time happily occupied.

I can't think of any friends I have solely because they are pleasant people, so

...whoops! So stop focusing on being nice (be nice, obviously). Focus on doing things you like, having conversations that engage you, learning things about others and their interests.

What do you like to do?

OP - meet up groups are brilliant because you can choose what to do - have had 70s music/disco in a pub, free jazz singing with jerk food also in a pub etc... or walks...

then you can choose who if anyone to talk to. It's the way another friend of mine has met a couple of her friends in the past.

do you dance? salsa good for making friends.

what Sprink says - being interested (but not too interested) in what others do is a real friendship booster. The too nice can make some people suspicious so be nice but not too nice!

one of my friends is my hairdresser, don't socialise with her that much but we've known each other for almost 20 years and just 'get' each other. gets me discounts and give me freebies too!

invite them along to stuff you like doing... right now organising fireworks night get togethers but we often see films together too. walks is another good one - explore a part of town/city you've never seen or always wanted to find out about.

I'll try and answer meemollys questions,
I don't understand what you many being the matyr? Can you explain
I don't care for the attention on here, I just want some advice and help really
I don't have social media anymore, I deleted it because I would get upset when I saw friends doing things and going out when I wasn't invited and if I posted anything no one would like or comment and I didn't want my "friends" to find out that I didn't have any friends iyswim
The only thing I'm asking for in return is friendship. A text every now and again, a coffee, I do nice things because I like too not to get stuff back
I'm not bothered about fallout, there won't be any, I just won't text them anymore, that will be the end of the friendship, I'll prob bump into them in the future we'll do the usual "how are you how's the kids" thing, end of
I'm not angry I'm sad, because I'm failing
I think that was it

OP - the bitchy one may seem 'fun' and have lots in common with you - I've had friends through work like this - but you know they're not to be trusted, bitch about you, go behind your back so why bother even if you do look great on paper??!!

I think it was because I thought she didn't have many friends so I could get in as a possible friend

That's exactly (I think) what mee means when she says to look out for yourself being martyrish or needy. You waded in there because you thought you saw someone vulnerable, ended up cast as the instigator/rescuer, and ended up being ignored for all your efforts.

What kinds of activities and volunteering have you tried?

I can be dubious about the volunteering, depending on what it is, because (again!) my mother does that. Someone asked her to and she didn't like to say no, and it involves quite grim (hospital-based) work, she's called in at short notice and all fellow-volunteers ring her and use her blatantly when they can't go in, so it just ends up being more invisibility and service relationships.

She has caller display and can see perfectly well that it's Eileen again, calling as she so often does at 9 am on Thursday because she has something else on, but my mother is incapable of not picking up the phone, because then Eileen might 'get odd' with her. Despite the fact that Eileen is just an exploitative co-volunteer, not God.

Forget making friends for a second. If someone looked into the future and said 'OK, with this activity you will have a great time but not make any lasting friendships from it' - what would you choose? Not choose with half an eye on new friendships, just choose because the mere idea that you're spending Saturday learning drystone walling/hillwalking/learning transcendental meditation or pottery will make you smile all week!