Is this fair?

[Tallzara]

Dh and I have two children, I work part time, he works full time. I earn 1k a month, dh earns 2500-3000k a month, this is all after tax.

Dh gives me £800 a month which he transfers into my account, out of the £1800 I pay all of the bills, rent, council tax, utilities etc. Dc1s school dinner money, all childcare costs, all clubs for dc1 so swimming lessons and so on. I buy the main weekly shop, most of the dcs clothes, put fuel in my car.

Dh pays for takeaways and any adhoc meals out.

Lately he has been forgetting to transfer the money and is saying that I obviously don't need it as I've only mentioned it a week after payday, also asking me what I'm doing with all the money and if I'm saving up.

Is he giving me too much money?

Just to answer a few points.

Yes we are married, the house we currently live in is rented.

Has he given you access to the accounts or just shown you the balance? And the passwords to online banking?

He's fine with joint savings and joint bills account. But he still maintains control of his own account. Who decides what goes into the two joint accounts?

MrsHemsworth - don't you have a card for the joint account?
So he gives you a set amount (when you remind him) and then is away for the week!
Don't you find it patronising having to be asking for money all the time?
I'm a SAHM too with 4 kids. DH and I have joint access to the various accounts and that's that. Bills, school fees paid by standing orders.

He just showed me the balance but I hadn't asked to look at that point he just did. I'd simply said I wasn't happy about his remarks and not transferring the money. I pointed out how much we both have left that's when he said we waste a lot but that we've got x amount saved and quickly showed me. This was all quickly while making dinner.

Although we do need to go into more detail and sort something better out than the current situation. Including proper access to all accounts however that's worked out. So it's not resolved yet.

Again sorry to drip feed if it's relevant I do have all his card PIN numbers and have two credit cards that live in my purse but I just never ever use them.

I think I need to get more into the frame of mind that my doing the childcare is as valid contribution.

amicissimma

Excellent post!

Good current accounts have better interest rates than savings accounts atm, so that might be why he keeps his money there. Also, credit cards can be a good way to spend day-to-day as long as you pay it off in full every month because you can get cashback.

Foxmulder that's true actually, although I honestly don't think dh has intentionally done it this way.

He hasn't meant to keep the money in his main current account he has kept meaning to look into other accounts. Although you are right about the interest rates. As for the credit cards he wasn't getting cash back he just felt it was safer to use credit card, which I know it can be.

Now he's started keeping various pots of cash around the house to use.

He's squirrelling money which, OK, is great in some ways, but you should have some say in all this - I retract my LTB! Its like he gets all the say on what happens and you don't get the free choice. Why can't you have access to the money too? Doesn't he trust anyone to save like he would?

I should add my DH has no idea what our finances are like, I even run his pension, but I tell him what happening and he can spend out of our joint account.

MrsTerryPratchett would I really? The house is in my name & I did put some money into it to buy it. If we divorced wouldn't I get to keep the house esp coz of the kids.

Op, I mean this nicely but you also need to drop the habit of thinking he "bought" you a car and "he pays" for treats. What he has done whether he thought it through or not is kept control of the lions share of household income.

The amount you have control of is used for the basics of living and raising a family while all the rest is under his control. The fact that he sometimes uses that for days out or a takeaway doesn't make him generous, that is family money too!

Look, he could be a lovely guy who just hasn't properly thought about this (and to be fair you haven't either) but you are potentially in a precarious position. It really is important that both of you have equal access to family money and equal right to decide how and when it's spent.

What prompted him to show you the bank balance without asking even though he has not done this before? Am baffled!

I hope it's a coincidence that he showed it to you at a time when you would be very busy. All you could have done was glance because the food needs checking or the child is running around.

Make sure you are very astute with the whole situation from now on.

I am glad you are married.

Goady I'm not too sure. I was quite annoyed when he got in, I asked if he'd transferred the money yet. I said a few things and I'd scribbled a list of what I'm paying out, I sort of said "there, that's what I have left over, what are you doing with your money". Then he said well we spend a lot but that he's saving too, it was only on the app on his phone.

We've had a chat and briefly gone through Octobers statements. There's a lot of things like trip to pizza hut, we went for a curry, new tyres on his car and mot, cinema trip.

The problem is the way we are organising our finances, like a pp said it's like he's treating us when actually it's family money.

I suppose I feel guilty because he earns more but that's just stupid, we both agreed I'd work part time and I've more than halved my salary by doing so.

That's it as well. He gets to 'treat' you and 'buy' you a car while your labour and work goes largely unnoticed and unremarked.

He didn't by you a car. It wasn't just his money to buy you a car.

Why feel guilty because he earns more? That's crazy, he earns more because he can, because you're looking after his children. We have a complete opposite set up, I work part time and it's my money that is used for 'extras', dh earns the lions share and covers all the main bills.

If it's a true partnership and you are raising children then all money should be pooled in a joint account. There are several postings every week about the division of money between couples. I can't understand any couples that settle for less. All savings should be either in a joint account or equal amounts in your separate names. I find it hard to believe that in 2016 men are still giving women house keeping money, I thought we had moved on since the 50s but I'm not so sure.

It just sounds like neither of you have handled the finances properly as a family.

As previous PPs have said, just get one joint current account, one joint savings account, and agree what money goes into them each month. It's not fair that you're getting the worse deal, but equally you could have brought this up years ago.

Anyway, it's not too late or too hard to sort now :)

It just sounds like neither of you have handled the finances properly as a family. I agree with this. Seems you've both "sleepwalked" into this situation and maybe your feeling of guilt as you say about him being the main earner has contributed to that.

Not knowing what is being spent or saved month to month isn't a good idea for either of you so you both need to sit down, go through what is there, plan a budget and most importantly get joint account/equal access to money.

Stop using your savings to supplement the pitiful amount of money he feeds into routine family expenses!

I agree that your mindset (and his) is what needs to change here. He doesn't sound like a bad bloke, just sounds like he hasn't thought it through any more than you have.

If your income has dropped by around £1000 a month due to your (joint, but done only by you) childcare responsibilities, he should be topping you up by at least half that or otherwise sharing his money in a way that gives you equal control in the decision-making process.

Something that most people seem to have missed is that £1600 isn't really very much for all household expenses for a family and if the DH 'can't understand where it goes' he might need a bit of a wake up call about real world expenses as the DCs get older or if you end up with a big mortgage. But anyway I really doubt his £800 is 'too much' for his share of basic household expenses.

If he really is saving a good amount each month the money split might be OK but he needs to set up a standing order and joint savings account for the mortgage deposit funds at least.

Ass

It sounds like neither of you are big spenders and your DH isn't being intentionally bad with money or withholding it from you. Don't blame posters for being worried on your behalf, sadly it's too common a story on MN.

But your DH does sound a bit disorganised. You need:

A joint current account for all joint expenses
A joint savings account for all joint savings
Standing orders to put money from salaries into both - proportionate to your salaries
Direct debits to clear credit card balances in full every month - no point in paying interest on credit cards if you have money in savings

FWIW I also do what your DH does and put all personal spending on credit cards. But I get cash back/rewards and I have DDs to clear them when they are due. I also have text alerts which tells me the balance every week and I know my monthly max I have to spend.

We have 2 DC, I work term time only, part time hours. Take home around700 a month. DH earns more than that in a week. But he's out every single Saturday and 5 evenings a week so without me home to watch the kids he wouldn't be able to work. Our DCs are 3 and 10 months We pool all our money as it's a joint effort. We then pay ourselves a wage of £300 a month each for leisure.
Petrol, mortgage, childcare and bills, days out, food etc all comes from the joint. We also have a joint savings account for holidays and a safety net. I gave up my career to enable his. It has to be a joint effort. But it seems like neither of you have ever address it and are currently looking at it now so seems like the problem is being resolved

OP glad you're going to make some changes. Maybe see if you can search for savings accounts with a reasonable interest rate this weekend and then open a joint one to transfer the money in (unless he's a higher rate tax payer).

Icapturethecast1e unless your benefits are equal to his income and your expenses are equal to his then your set up doesn't sound at all fair. Don't bank on keeping the house if divorcing, more likely you could stay in it until youngest is 18/finishes education and then it would be sold, proceeds to be split. Are you confident that half the equity + your dwindling savings would rehouse you?