Is this fair?

[Tallzara]

Dh and I have two children, I work part time, he works full time. I earn 1k a month, dh earns 2500-3000k a month, this is all after tax.

Dh gives me £800 a month which he transfers into my account, out of the £1800 I pay all of the bills, rent, council tax, utilities etc. Dc1s school dinner money, all childcare costs, all clubs for dc1 so swimming lessons and so on. I buy the main weekly shop, most of the dcs clothes, put fuel in my car.

Dh pays for takeaways and any adhoc meals out.

Lately he has been forgetting to transfer the money and is saying that I obviously don't need it as I've only mentioned it a week after payday, also asking me what I'm doing with all the money and if I'm saving up.

Is he giving me too much money?

Okay, he's not a spendthrift, however your family finances are frighteningly opaque.

I would suggest you get a joint current account and a joint savings account.

Put money from both your accounts into the joint current. How you split this is up to you but I prefer the % way, so you'd put in £500 and he puts in 1250 and everything joint gets paid out of that (days out, take always etc etc). Then anything left at the end of the month is transferred to the joint savings.

You could also get a joint credit card if you don't already, that you also pay for out of the joint current.

If you are looking for a house, it may be a good reason to combine you savings accounts in preparation (unless of course there would be penalities on amount of interest earnt).

And by the sounds of it, you are prime fodder for Location, Location, Location. You can't get everything and compromises have to be made when buying houses, unfortunately.

I really don't like the sound of it and it seems grossly unfair to you. You are basically living in penury while he keeps "his" money. I note you have no access to the savings. The point is that ALL money is family money and there is no place for one partner cutting themselves a better deal. He is able to earn more because you pick up the family and home duties. He'd soon have a shock if he had to pay market rate for those.

Fair would be: all money goes into pot (joint current account) to pay bills. The spare cash each month is divided equally. You both agree how much each of you will put into the joint savings account for housebuying (e.g. £700 each) and how much is available for spending each (e.g. £400 each). These amounts should always be the same.

The 2 x £700 goes into a joint savings account. The £400 each goes into your individual savings/current accounts.

THAT is fair.

It doesn't sound like he is serious about buying a house with you.

As he earns three times as much as you he should put in 3 times as much as you for household expenses. If this totals £1600 you should contribute £400 and whilst he contributes £1200.

I'm a SAHM who use to work before I had my kids. My husband gives me no money. I have savings & child benefit & child tax. I pay all bills & buy my kids what they need.He buys takeaways & meat. We don't have a mortgage on our house but do owe my family a small loan.We both put money into our house but he will be paying off the loan.We don't spend much money at all & any money my husband makes he saves for future business dealings.
I think it's fair for now but if I felt I didn't have any money left over for things I want or need I would give my husband an ultimatum. Either give me the money or pay for childcare so I can go out & earn my own.

Why hasn't he set up a standing order - then he doesn't have to remember. My ex pays for his daughter without fail every month because he doesn't have to think about it - it comes out of his account the day he gets paid. He ups the amount by whatever his % pay rise is without me having to ask and he has no problem with paying for the odd extra thing on top of that. And he's an ex, not a current partner living in the family house.

I think your set-up is insane.

No that is not fair, you earn less, so he should be paying the bigger share of the bills.

I'm stunned at what some women will put up with.

We earn less on average, pay the 'pink tax' and some women are still happy for men to contribute fuck all to the families they help create.

Thank fuck I married a grown adult who shares family life with me.

You really need to protect your house. If he gets arsey and you get divorced, he gets half. I think you need to put it in trust for your children. Can you do that if your married without your husbands' agreement? I have no idea.

I think it's a rented house Wincester. OP mentioned rent.

So for £800 a month everything is taken care of for him. He's probably stalling buying a house because he know his contribution to household expenses goes way up. Why does he have final say over which house to buy? You need to address what is his reluctance to buy property, why does he get to veto every potential house

He's paying £800 for a lovely home, food in his belly, clean clothes, regular sex....need I go on. As someone said earlier. Everything should be shared proportionately and you are both left with a similar amount. If he complains, tell him to,work part time, juggle the kids, housework and everything else and you'll give him a third of your net income.

I think you need to dig deeper. He may have a massive online gambling habit and no savings which is why he's putting off buying. Or he might just be frugal, mean and tight!

*Basically he's out the house 7.30am until 6pm, sometimes longer, so I fit in all school runs, pick ups and drops off around my job. I do all the after school activities unless dh finishes early, I sort homework, parents evenings, nativities, anything like that.

I do the housework on my days off but also have a toddler at home on those days. Dh does do plenty when he's home and will happily cook if he's back early one day, he does bedtime, he does most cooking on the weekend, tidies up and all that*

Op, I'll preface this by saying that I don mean this in a bragging way, but more to give you some back up when you talk to your Dh.
My DH is out of the house from 7:30 - 7 or 8pm, mon to fri. I work part time, and whether I'm working or not I do the school runs or pick ups from childcare, I cook weekdays, he cooks at the weekend, he does everybody's laundry that I haven't got round to doing he washes up very night if I don't feel like it, he takes the kids out at the weekend if I need a rest, we alternate bedtimes and bath times so we each have kid time or a rest. I do other bits of housework and admin on my days off. Basically, I feel that the housework and kid stuff is pretty evenly split. He pays rent and his commuting expenses, I pay bills and food shopping, he pays for the food shopping if it's been an expensive month, so financially it works out evenly too. We split the childcare costs 50/50, and if he has any spare money at the end of the month he'll put it into my account just.. Just because, I'm not sure why actually The Point being I guess that housework/cooking/kids and financial stuff are split evenly. He wouldn't dream of not splitting the childcare bills, he wouldn't be comfortable with him having more money in his account at the end of the month than me, even if he is the higher earner.

We're both happy with this, we don't take each other for granted, if one of us gets sick nothing grinds to a halt, we both get time to relax and we don't resent each other. He's a good guy, and that should absolutely be the norm,. Good luck for your chat op

He's not forgetting to transfer the £800 to you. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Fucking hell, some people are prize cunts. OP, you've found one. I leave my DH if he even said that once, what a fucking outrage.

It sounds like hes a total miser and just likes looking at his bank account and seeing the big number. Hes resenting sending you the money over because you're making his big comforting number smaller, and a standing order over to you is really committing to that money leakage.

And buying a house? It has to be something REALLY special for him to give away all that lovely money! Possibly something "totally out of budget" special.

In fact have my first LTB. Honestly I'm shocked you thinks this is SHARING (that's a big clue) your life with someone. I'd rather live in penury than eat the scraps some twat begrudgingly paid me. Fuck him.

Op I think there's a huge danger of getting caught up in the mn hysteria. We have the same set up as you and dh is also pretty cautious with money.

Think carefully about his intentions and chat calmly. It's not necessarily as bad as people on MN are saying - only you know the answer to that

Double.

You have children with someone who thinks the childcare you provide and housework, for free, in order to enable them to earn more means they keep the extra cash?

Why?

OP - I'm always amazed by threads like this.
You have children - joint.
But no joint bank account
I just couldn't imagine talking to my DH "my" money and "his" money. We are married.
It's fair enough to try and budget etc, but just do this out of a shared account.

Why hasn't he set up a standing order this! Times 100

Icapture you would be completely fucked if you divorced. Absolutely completely.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

OP me & DH have a similar set up only I'm a SAHM & he's away working mon - fri. I pay all of the bills, utilities, shopping, after school activities etc he transfers enough to cover those, though I have to budget to the last penny & have to frequently remind him to transfer it. He pays the mortgage & any luxuries. He has over £1000 left over to 'play with'.

I didn't realise this set up was unfair & unusual until I came on mumsnet. I am planning on getting access to his account (originally opened as a joint account years ago) & shortly to see where all of his left over money is going & go from there really! He also seems to have the atttitude that he gives me loads & I 'fritter' it away.

I've just read back my op and I can sort of see how bad it looks.

I suppose we've just been going like this for so long. I suppose it doesn't feel so bad to me because dh hasn't really got anything as such, it's not like he's walking around in designer clothes while we're all in rags.

I should say also, and I don't mean to drip feed, but he does make big purchases, for example he bought my car, that was £4000, although we did sell my old car for £2000. He also has a car and a works vehicle.

I've mentioned this all to him briefly but we will talk more tonight.

He said he doesn't remember saying I don't need the money but must have been joking. I wrote a quick list of outgoings and pointed out what I have left and what he has left.

He said we waste a lot (from his account) on things like takeaways and coffee out and said I'd be surprised where it goes then said to have a look at the statements.

He showed me two accounts one has £21,000 and the other has £8000. He reckons he's saving £1000 this month.

I've said the savings should go into a joint account as they are for our house deposit he has no arguments there. He also said no problems with a joint account for household bills.