Is this fair?

[Tallzara]

Dh and I have two children, I work part time, he works full time. I earn 1k a month, dh earns 2500-3000k a month, this is all after tax.

Dh gives me £800 a month which he transfers into my account, out of the £1800 I pay all of the bills, rent, council tax, utilities etc. Dc1s school dinner money, all childcare costs, all clubs for dc1 so swimming lessons and so on. I buy the main weekly shop, most of the dcs clothes, put fuel in my car.

Dh pays for takeaways and any adhoc meals out.

Lately he has been forgetting to transfer the money and is saying that I obviously don't need it as I've only mentioned it a week after payday, also asking me what I'm doing with all the money and if I'm saving up.

Is he giving me too much money?

The only reason either of you should have for asking what you have spent the money on is if you are on a strict budget and one of you has been buying expensive games/clothes etc.

If you were to present him with a bank joint account application would he put his name to it? He doesn't sound like he will organise it himself, but do you think he would go along with it if you did? Then you both agreed an amount to transfer? I think his answers to those suggestions might be very revealing.

Does he realise that his long days mean your career will be on the back burner?

Wtf is with threads today. Op, have an even split for goodness sake. It's not about being bothered or not. It's about fairness. Why are you not saving? From where am looking in your are not that secured.

From now on, why don't you have two accounts. One joint for household and kids and the other for you.

If you came into money and he has done a bit of saving, why haven't you bought a house yet?

The reason I haven't chased up the money is I've got an ISA of my own and an internet saver so I dip into that when needed. Stop it. You are encouraging bad behaviour. He will think he can get away with not offering you money. What you have said he spends money on is not a lot of money. Secondly, you do the bulk of the housework. Your being shafted.

You dip into your saving while he builds his...

"Is he giving me too much money?"

NO, NO, No

What is he saving for? Is the money in a joint account you both have access to? If not, why no?

You are working, looking after the kids, doing more house work, paying the bills and he is begrudging you £800 a month? Time to re-think. Shared income, shared expenses and shared savings, based on earnings or 50/50 split, or is he worth more than you because your contribution gets paid less from your job (the clue is it's not!).

If he will not agree just charge him a couple of grand a month for the care of the children! (That's a joke!)

The fact he is begrudging you money suggest he does not respect you or care for you or his kids the way he should. Does he?

Oh sorry I read page one and posted, I bet this has all been covered, sorry, I did not see it was 4 pages.

We literally just haven't found the right house in the right area. There hasn't been much available in the area we like.

To be honest that's another annoying thing.

We found a nice house, it's top end of our budget but cheaper than others similar in size and it's in better condition. Dh felt it was a bit small (it's a four bed). He keeps pushing for other houses saying they're bigger when they're actually not, it's in black and white the actual measurements, but he keeps repeating that it looks bigger on the photos.

Then when we go to look he says they're all too small. The one he did like was way out of our price range, we could have put an offer in but it needed a hell of a lot of work and was only marginally bigger. It's all just exhausting.

His 'pocket money' is more than your entire pay cheque?

Do you ask him what he is doing with his spare thousands every month whilst he is also saving money using you as a child care option?

How absurd op, why doesn't this worry you?

I am sahm and dh money goes into our joint account From there, we send money to bills, saving, Christmas/birthday funds. We have a spreadsheet ( or rather DH does) on our monthly bills and out goings and we know exactly what we have to spend each week on food, going out. Even birthday money goes into this pot for both of us. Everything.

In your situation I would have joint account where both wages get paid in, then sort yourselves out from there and get your bills and outgoings on paper too. There is no way I would stand for my husband to live and have access to thousands of pounds every month whilst I had only 200, after paying all bills? Then having the cheek to try and withdraw it anquestion me on it.

The reason I haven't chased up the money is I've got an ISA of my own and an internet saver so I dip into that when needed

As goady says - this has to stop. When does your DH ever "dip" into what he regards as HIS cash? What happens when your savings run out?

He should not have to transfer money to you manually; if you choose to have separate accounts, the housekeeping money should be transferred automatically by direct debit and it is not up to you to account for how you spend it.

You mention that he moved into your house when you became a couple, because it was "easier". Do you still own the property rather than it being in joint names? If so - start charging this tight bastard rent!

What pocket money do you get to spend on your own hobbies, clothes, make-up etc? You should not be gong cap-in-hand every time you want a pair of tights or a coffee out with friends. You are not a child - you are managing a home (and doing so very well, I might add) and shouldnothave to account for every penny.

You really need to get your own funds set up - apart from any thing else, if he continues to be so mean and unreasonable about money I can see the day coming when you (quite justifiably) will pack up the kids and leave him, and you will need cash.

I'm not one of these whose first words are "LTB", but I can promise you that if you walked out on this git, or changed the locks on him and chucked him out, I would throw my hat in the air.

Do you ever get to see his bank statements?

Are you quite sure all the money is present and accounted for?

Him making feeble excuses for not putting offers in for suitable houses would be a red flag for me.

I don't know, this has just been the status quo, seeing these replies however it is starting to worry me. I was half expecting to be told £800 is a lot considering he earns the most.

Someone asked what I do if I want to buy something at Christmas for example. I seem to manage quite well, I don't really do much and dh pays when we go for meals at weekends so whatever money I have left I just use that.

Can't believe he gives you money. Why don't you sent up a joint account that you both pay into from your separate accounts.

And it's your house? You're being taken for a ride love.

I'd want to see his account tonight online. Then change it to joint on the weekend.

Then have a conversation about what you both want in a house and discuss it. Rather than his vetoing every one.

I'm always saying this but check your legals and give yourself confidence. Work it all out before you talk to him. Don't let him talk you down. Decide what you want, argue your case, and insist.

No I don't see his bank statements, however he does someone which I find quite strange.

He pays for all purchases on different credit cards runs up a bit bill then pays it all off so it's all a bit confusing to me.

So if I say let's get a takeaway he'll moan that he's got a big credit card bill, but he's got the money in his current account.

He started doing this after he got ripped off buying something online on his debit card.

In part this is why I've kept all control of bills in my name, I don't understand his logic on things at times.

Yet he's always been a saver, he's just got chaotic ways of doing things imo, like keeping savings in his current account rather than putting them in a savings account.

I can't believe what I'm reading.

He "gives" you £800 from his £3000, leaving him with £2,200 each month.

You then pay all bills, rent, childcare, clothes etc. etc. and he pays for the odd meal.

And now he's complaining about "giving" you the £800??????

So you are using the entirety of your salary of £1000 plus a measly £800 of his to fully finance and support your entire family.

In the meantime he's saving up a tidy sum in savings IN HIS NAME, which he "says" is for a house purchase - and yet he blocks every house you see.

Your DH is an absolute arse OP. I actually feel really really angry on your behalf.

You could do with having a joint account, but that doesn't always work for everyone. However, you can organise to have your separate bank accounts tied together so that you can see each other's accounts and have access if necessary.

You need to sit down and talk about this and then tell him that the least you need is transparency and you need to have access to his accounts, if only to be able to see that he is saving this money for a house.

If you're with separate banks, then make sure either he moves to yours or vice versa. If he ended up in hospital or something, you'd need that money to live on. Also, set up a standing order to make sure that the £800 goes into your account every month.

Joint bank accounts are what most people have, but there are other workable alternatives that can remain fair and transparent.

My ex's mother is an lead accountant and in their household they put all the money in a joint account minus a set sum they have agreed on as pocket money. From this joint account, some is put into savings, all bills are paid, food, petrol and basics covered. The pocket money covers clothes, snacks, whatever and was about £100 per month! They had everything they needed so this was the sum they agreed on.

*We found a nice house, it's top end of our budget but cheaper than others similar in size and it's in better condition. Dh felt it was a bit small (it's a four bed). He keeps pushing for other houses saying they're bigger when they're actually not, it's in black and white the actual measurements, but he keeps repeating that it looks bigger on the photos.

Then when we go to look he says they're all too small. The one he did like was way out of our price range, we could have put an offer in but it needed a hell of a lot of work and was only marginally bigger. It's all just exhausting.*

I hope this is not another way for him to try and hold on for as long as he can without any more ties to you.

In regards to buying the house, what has come across is that he makes the decision on which house you are to buy. Is he even considering on comprising on something that you like? If not, then what are you looking for?
Do you see his point of view when viewing the house as good or do you think it's a poor excuse for something he does not want do to?

Oh, and you should have a joint savings account. Don't let him put the money he's saving into his account as he could gamble it away or sod off with the lot.

For some people, separate accounts work. I know a lot of couples that have decided how their wages are split. And it works, because its fair and agreed on. Its clearly not working for you. You are a family. Any earnings belong to the family.
We have a joint account. I earn far less than DH but it all goes into one pot. He doesn't begrudge me spending what I want (I'm hardly frivolous with it) merely because he is the higher earner. He understands that because I do less hours than him it enables me to cover the childcare when he cannot. We spend what we need to spend and if I decide I want a new frock or that we have a problem with one of the cars or the kids need new shoes then we discuss it and we pay for it. Out of the joint money. He is quite oblivious to our outgoings as I do all the finances though. I have had to put a breakdown in front of him before so he can see where it all goes.

Oh I don't know. If anything it him that keeps saying he wants to buy a house, moaning we are wasting money on rent, looking at houses online each night. Then he says they're all too small.

He's like that about everything though to be honest.

If he sees a tshirt in the shop for £16 he'll umm and arr about it for half an hour, then say he might come back next week, then say he might order it online.

I feel like screaming "just buy the FRIGGING t-shirt".

I would be demanding asking for access to his accounts if I were you. Something seems off.

I'm definitely going to address this.

I'm going to say savings should be in joint account as it is supposed to be for our house deposit. I'll see what he says.

I would be even more worried if the op wasn't married. You are. aren't you ?
I hope so.

Your last post does say a lot about him and I think it's best if you stand your ground. From what you have written, you are not seeing the benefit of the saving he is doing. Nor do you know how much has been saved. The looking at the house every evening could all be a pretence. The only money you know exist is what you have in your account.