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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was I wrong to react this way? [thlsad]

67 replies

Blumkin · 31/10/2016 23:01

Ds has a friend who doesn't live in a busy area for trick or treating, we do. So they asked if we fancied having their family join ours and we'd trick or treat my neighbourhood. We agreed a time to meet at my house.

They were late turning up and they brought their huge dog along. My dc are petrified of this beast - the family know this (when they go there on playdates the dog has to get shut in a different room so my kids can play).

The dog is friendly, safe around kids, but MASSIVE, and has a tendency to jump up and put its paws on peoples shoulders my kids have got knocked down by the dog doing this and are therefore petrified of being hurt again .

So off we went trick or treating with me shielding my 3 dc from the dog. By the time we'd done 5 houses I had one child on the verge of tears, and 2 that refused to walk up to doors to get their sweets as the dog was in the way and they were too scared.

So I decided to say that as my dc were not enjoying being around the dog that I'd circle round the neighbourhood in the opposite direction to them and we'd meet them back at mine for the planned Halloween get together once we'd all finished.

I text them later to say we were back at home, and heard nothing. Ds kept asking when his friend was coming round and I explained they'd come when they'd finished their trick or treating. After an hour or so I tried to ring but no answer and when my dc got tired and went to bed, I sent another text saying they were now asleep.

I've just received this text

'If you didn't want to trick or treat with us you should have said before when we discussed coming round. X and Y are upset that your kids ruined their planned party by leaving us. I know they are not used to Ddog but this is something they need to get over.'

I am fucking fuming, and tempted to send an angry reply but just want to check if IABU . I really feel that this dog shouldn't have come, especially as they know my kids are scared by it. The invite was for them and their dc, not once was Ddog joining mentioned and I assumed they wouldn't bring him out.

OP posts:

Inthenick · 31/10/2016 23:04

No, tempting and all as it is, don't reply anything. She is rude, ungrateful and completely unreasonable. I'd just stay away from her in future.

RNBrie · 31/10/2016 23:04

Yanbu. Just reply "wasn't expecting the dog, kids really scared so made the best of a bad situation. Did you mean to be so rude?"

AlpacaLypse · 31/10/2016 23:05

yanbu, but I wouldn't send any reply at all just yet. Let us lovely vipers help you compose the right one.

FriendofBill · 31/10/2016 23:05

Depends if you want the friendship.

I think it's better not to burn bridges.
Something like 'sorry you were offended, had to make the right decision for us. Hope we can put it behind us'

If they already lock the dog away when you visit, that might piss them off already, now this.

To many people the dog is a family member.

Longdistance · 31/10/2016 23:07

Just text back 'not everyone likes dogs, and you need to get over it. You ruined it yourselves by bringing the beast along.'

ComfortingKormaBalls · 31/10/2016 23:08

Don't reply. Don't speak to them again. They caused the problem by deliberately bringing the dog, which was not what was agreed. They ruined the evening for your DC.

AchingBack · 31/10/2016 23:08

'My children were scared of the dog, it's not as simple as just 'getting over' their fears. The invite was for you and dc, at no point did you prewarn us you were bringing the dog, so I did what I could to make the best of the situation. My children were also hugely disappointed, as well as scared.'

TheWitTank · 31/10/2016 23:09

Just text back and say that you didn't realise that the dog was coming along and wouldn't have agreed to join them if you had. Say that your children were also upset tonight and that they were not enjoying themselves because of the dog. Why should her children being upset trump your children being upset? Say you tried to ring and arrange to meet but she didn't answer. Her problem, not yours.

RuggerHug · 31/10/2016 23:09

What RN said without the did you mean to be so rude, in the morning as a reply. If it's now, or with the rude bit it could mean a worse reply. If you want to guilt trip you could add a 'glad you're all ok, we were a bit worried when you didn’t show at the house ' but up to you.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 31/10/2016 23:09

I wouldn't bring a dog along for trick or treat because of the noise and the sweets everywhere, I wouldn't want the dog to have any.

IMissGrannyW · 31/10/2016 23:14

I have a big-ish not enormous dog. She IS a member of our family. I would never, never, never take her out trick-or-treating, because to a child she's massive.

I feel sorry for the doors you knocked on that opened them to a big dog! How did those families feel? And dogs shouldn't be around sweets and chocolate anyway (dogs are often allergic to chocolate)

Why on earth did they bring the dog???? And they clearly KNOW dog was the source of the problem, because they mention it in their text.

Think I would reply something along the lines of

"my DC upset they didn't get time to spend time with X and Y either. Shame the evening didn't work out as planned"
and maybe as an extra sentence "next time we will have to ensure we all know all the details of the arrangement to ensure it works out for everyone"

Original poster

Blumkin · 31/10/2016 23:15

Thank you all for reassuring I'm not being unreasonable!

I've held off replying as I'm annoyed about the dog coming along, and really angry about the text. I'd love to send back a shitty reply but our dc are good friends, will be in the same school together for years and I don't want any playground drama.

And yes friend of Bill is correct, they do view the dog as a family member so I can see how they could be insulted.

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 31/10/2016 23:15

I would text back..
You need to get over the fact that not everyone likes dogs. Not everyone wants other peoples dogs in their homes. And who the fuck thinks it's acceptable to bring a dog trick or treating. The invite was for you and the dc's. There was no mention of the dog. If you had the decency to mention the dog I would have told you to leave it at home.

I wouldn't care if the friendship survived. I would rather be honest and call people out for their actions than tiptoe around it.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 31/10/2016 23:20

So...there was a post-trick-or-treating gathering planned at your house? And these people brought their enormous dog without clearing it with you first? Were they expecting you to let it in the house???

I know (to quote Hagrid) people can be stupid about their pets but that is downright inconsiderate of them. And they have the nerve to claim the moral high ground!

I am fuming on your behalf. Don't reply. Not yet anyway. Let the dust settle so you can take stock of the situation and consider whether you still want such rude and selfish people for friends.

pinkiponk · 31/10/2016 23:22

Yanbu- you should never ever let a dog jump up on anyone and it's poor dog ownership to let that happen, especially to kids!

bumsexatthebingo · 31/10/2016 23:27

TBH I can understand your kids wanting the dog shut away when they go to play if it jumps on them but presumably it was on a lead and under control? Could one of the adults not have kept the dog at the end of peoples paths so your kids could go up to the doors? I agree with the pp who said it's a bit off to take a massive dog right up to peoples doors anyway.

Original poster

Blumkin · 31/10/2016 23:28

The reply I'm tempted to send is along the lines of 'fuck off. You invited yourselves along, disregarded my dc feelings, made them feel afraid in their own street and have the the nerve to blame us for your dc being upset. Fuck off you inconsiderate fuckwombles'

However, what I'm going to reply is

' My dc are scared of Ddog, we don't have any pets and they are not used to being around animals, especially ones considerably larger than them. I am sorry the evening didn't go as planned, my dc are also disappointed they couldn't spend the evening with their friends'

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 31/10/2016 23:29

So was the dog meant to be coming to the party at yours afterwards as well?
Utterly bizarre bringing a dog out round the doors on Halloween.

IMissGrannyW · 31/10/2016 23:33

I'm not good at this, but assertively stating your position is very powerful.

They are in a mindset that your children need to "get over" their fear, and to help them with this, they have brought the problem (their dog) to your door.

I'm with them in a sense, as I have a dog that people are sometimes scared of, and this upsets me and I often feel impatient with them. I try to squash that down, though. I do try to recognise, acknowledge and respect their fear/worry/suspicion.

So an assertive response might be "I feel it was inappropriate of you to bring your dog when you know my DC are scared of it and this was impacting of their experience of trick or treating this year. Bringing the dog did not form part of our discussions about this evening. I felt the situation was getting out of hand and affecting our plans, so I took action to resolve things as peacefully as possible. I'm sad you feel upset, but please don't spring that on me again without discussing it with me first. There was no reason for you not to come back to ours after trick or treating, as we had discussed and planned. [the dog could have stayed in your car!]"

Mollykate12 · 31/10/2016 23:34

Wow, don't they understand that for children it's not easy to get over the fact that a huge dog jumps in their faces and knocks them over? Something like that is terrifying for children, you should say something like "just because your children are used to being round a big dog every day doesn't mean mine are"
Who takes a dog trick or treating?

Original poster

Blumkin · 31/10/2016 23:35

No idea if they expected the beast to be allowed in the house? Hadn't even thought of that! For the record I would have probably ended up suggesting it stayed in the garden if that is the case.

Yes, the dc had all planned a post trick or treat sweet swap at mine, so they could exchange A's unwanted maltesers with B 's unwanted humbug or C 's pack of haribos, etc.

OP posts:

Empress13 · 31/10/2016 23:35

Was the dog dressed up??

FWIW I would let it go if as you say the DC are good friends.m

Just remember to dodge them next year

notapizzaeater · 31/10/2016 23:39

Why would you take a dog truck or treating - my huge dog was petrified of all the people in masks

CozyAutumn · 31/10/2016 23:45

Yanbu and they were bang out of order for bringing their huge dog along. They need to understand that not everyone likes dogs and seriously how dare they think this is the appropriate time to teach your dcs to "get over it"! They knew the dog would ruin your dc's fun and did they really expect to be able to take their dog to your house afterwards???

bunnyfuller · 31/10/2016 23:47

Yanbu. Not everyone likes dogs, it's a fact. And some children are very scared of them. The child comes first, not the dog! She knows your kids are scared, what a cheek bringing it when you were doing them a favour!

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