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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was I wrong to react this way? [thlsad]

67 replies

Blumkin · 31/10/2016 23:01

Ds has a friend who doesn't live in a busy area for trick or treating, we do. So they asked if we fancied having their family join ours and we'd trick or treat my neighbourhood. We agreed a time to meet at my house.

They were late turning up and they brought their huge dog along. My dc are petrified of this beast - the family know this (when they go there on playdates the dog has to get shut in a different room so my kids can play).

The dog is friendly, safe around kids, but MASSIVE, and has a tendency to jump up and put its paws on peoples shoulders my kids have got knocked down by the dog doing this and are therefore petrified of being hurt again .

So off we went trick or treating with me shielding my 3 dc from the dog. By the time we'd done 5 houses I had one child on the verge of tears, and 2 that refused to walk up to doors to get their sweets as the dog was in the way and they were too scared.

So I decided to say that as my dc were not enjoying being around the dog that I'd circle round the neighbourhood in the opposite direction to them and we'd meet them back at mine for the planned Halloween get together once we'd all finished.

I text them later to say we were back at home, and heard nothing. Ds kept asking when his friend was coming round and I explained they'd come when they'd finished their trick or treating. After an hour or so I tried to ring but no answer and when my dc got tired and went to bed, I sent another text saying they were now asleep.

I've just received this text

'If you didn't want to trick or treat with us you should have said before when we discussed coming round. X and Y are upset that your kids ruined their planned party by leaving us. I know they are not used to Ddog but this is something they need to get over.'

I am fucking fuming, and tempted to send an angry reply but just want to check if IABU . I really feel that this dog shouldn't have come, especially as they know my kids are scared by it. The invite was for them and their dc, not once was Ddog joining mentioned and I assumed they wouldn't bring him out.

OP posts:
dataandspot · 31/10/2016 23:50

I think your planned text is too wish you washy. Lots of good replies to choose from on this thread.

Florathefern · 31/10/2016 23:57

I am annoyed on your behalf. You are certainly not being unreasonable.

It is not up to ANY dog owner to decide who needs to 'get over' their fear of dogs. They wanted a dog. They got a dog. Trying to insist that everyone else should be comfortable around their dog is bang out of order. ALL dogs are unpredictable especially around kids.

I commend you on even attempting to go out as planned. If it had been me, I'd have flatly refused.

As a dog lover, I understand that they didn't want to leave their dog at home alone on a night of strangers calling to the door and possible fireworks so the answer was one of them should have been responsible enough to stay at home to mind their dog.

Bogeyface · 31/10/2016 23:57

I wonder if they would expect their dog to "just get over" fireworks if they had been set off tonight, as they have been around here (dont get me started.....). I suspect not.

Florathefern · 01/11/2016 00:00

ETA I wouldn't bother responding to them at all. If you feel you ought to respond, I would not be apologetic. I would quite firmly state that as they are aware your children are frightened of their dog, they should have contacted you to say they intended to bring the dog trick or treating and obviously could no longer go out as a group. They should at the very least apologise but I doubt you will get any satisfaction from them.I would be very hesitant to remain 'friends' with them tbh.

Original poster
Blumkin · 01/11/2016 00:01

Have had a reply! Sadly nothing very exciting; just a suggestion of arranging a playdate sometime in the week.

Will pretend I'm asleep now and either reply in the morning or will bump into one of the parents at school tomorrow. Will see how the dc feel about going over to play in the house of the beast (and their friends) when they wake. Sigh.

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 01/11/2016 00:02

Did they say Ddog, because in that case they are possibly on MN... Wink

OlennasWimple · 01/11/2016 00:05

I think you either need to keep it short and sweet or call her tomorrow to clear the air. Some of the suggested texts above are a bit wordy...

TathitiPete · 01/11/2016 00:06

Ugh the but this is something they need to get over would have my back up. Like they're perfectly in the right and it's you and your DCs who must adapt. If it were you going round to their house then they'd have a point but not when they're coming to yours.

BellesBelles · 01/11/2016 00:08

YANBU!

I would be tempted to tell her how it is, but I do agree with a PP that you probably need to tread slightly carefully (even though she hasn't).

I would say "Sorry your DCs were upset. Mine were too. They didn't realise your dog was joining us. If you'd have let me know beforehand we could have talked about it then. Maybe they need to be a bit older before they can get used to it. Forcing things might put them off dogs altogether."

Pumpkintopf · 01/11/2016 00:13

Imissgrannyw your reply is perfect

NameChange23 · 01/11/2016 00:18

I think you shouldn't send them to play at their house, the beast is there, remember?

She may not be friendly, just trying to make a point that when they want to, your kids are not that bothered by the dog.

Personally, I think that showing up with a dog without the previous agreement of the host is rude and disconsiderate.

GabsAlot · 01/11/2016 00:19

sorry noone needs to get over anything and who brings a dog trick or treating?

were they going to bring dog into your house? bloody ridiculous

i like dogs but my mum was petrified no rational explanation just didnt like them-had people telling hr to get over it it in the street and laughing when their dog use to come up to her saying its ok she/he is friendly-it didnt matter she was petrified an people shouldnt be so ignorant to that

Florathefern · 01/11/2016 00:30

She may not be friendly, just trying to make a point that when they want to, your kids are not that bothered by the dog

The OP said that when they visit the owner of the dog's house, the dog is locked away.

I'd be wary of bringing my children to the house in the near future as I'd be afraid they wouldn't lock the dog away under the pretense of helping the kids 'get over it.

iminshock · 01/11/2016 00:38

She is a twit for bringing her rowdy dog but you will never change the mindset of that kind of dog owner so save your energy.

user1477282676 · 01/11/2016 00:39

A woman brought her dog with us on a group trick or treat this year and so did another man in the group and I thought "WHY!?" the dogs barked and yapped the whole way round! Ruined it really as people were pissed off at them.

iminshock · 01/11/2016 00:39

I love my best friend dearly but I detest her big smelly dog and she will never ever get it because to her the dog is wonderful.

dybil · 01/11/2016 00:40

Are you sure it wasn't someone dressed up as a dog?

Yambabe · 01/11/2016 01:01

I can't get past that they took the dog trick or treating, in a neighbourhood that wasn't their own, to the houses of complete strangers. I mean who DOES that? What if they'd knocked on somewhere where there was an aggressive or territorial dog? Or a householder with an allergy or severe phobia?

Never mind their appalling rudeness in not coming to yours then accusing you of spoiling the night, any responsible dog owner knows you can't just take your dog to a stranger's house FFS, never mind multiple ones!

BummyMummy77 · 01/11/2016 01:16

You can understand why they were offended as the dog is part of the family?

Our dog is very much part of our family and we live in a community where 95% of us have dogs and not one of us would dream of doing this.

They need to get over it? She needs to fuck right off.

Angry
Baylisiana · 01/11/2016 01:16

So basically they admit they know that your dc are scared of the dog, but decided that this trick or treating trip was the time for them to undergo exposure therapy! I would just make it clear you had wanted to trick or treat with them and are all disappointed but you had had no idea the dog would be there and did not want the children to have their night ruined. Also that if they are to get used to dogs it has to be when they choose to do it, and perhaps with a smaller quieter dog to start with. Hopefully they will be at ease with dogs in the future, but not if it is approached in the wrong way.

DixieWishbone · 01/11/2016 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife · 01/11/2016 01:26

Wooah, the very second anyone text telling me it's something your kids need to get over they'd be ex friends. It's not for her to dictate how your kids operate or develop. Cheeky madam.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 01/11/2016 01:36

Wow.

How astoundingly arrogant!

Glad it's better resolved (ish) but I'd give them a very wide berth.

ThisIsReallyNotMyName · 01/11/2016 02:31

YANBU. She's stupid, ungrateful and downright rude.

AmeliaJack · 01/11/2016 03:22

It's quite interesting really that they said that you spoiled their party.

After all, you were to be hosts, not them.

I hope you realise that the balance of power here lies with you.

They want to go round your neighbourhood at Halloween. No doubt for the next several years.

They need you to help facilitate that.

You hold the cards here. If they don't accept your view on the dog, they don't get invited next year and no Halloween for them.

Back down this year and you'll have to put up with the bloody dog for the next five years.

And no one "needs" to get over a fear of jumpy big dogs. It's a perfectly reasonable fear.

I wouldn't be organising a play date anytime soon after this evening's behaviour.