was I wrong to react this way? [thlsad]

[Blumkin]

Ds has a friend who doesn't live in a busy area for trick or treating, we do. So they asked if we fancied having their family join ours and we'd trick or treat my neighbourhood. We agreed a time to meet at my house.

They were late turning up and they brought their huge dog along. My dc are petrified of this beast - the family know this (when they go there on playdates the dog has to get shut in a different room so my kids can play).

The dog is friendly, safe around kids, but MASSIVE, and has a tendency to jump up and put its paws on peoples shoulders my kids have got knocked down by the dog doing this and are therefore petrified of being hurt again .

So off we went trick or treating with me shielding my 3 dc from the dog. By the time we'd done 5 houses I had one child on the verge of tears, and 2 that refused to walk up to doors to get their sweets as the dog was in the way and they were too scared.

So I decided to say that as my dc were not enjoying being around the dog that I'd circle round the neighbourhood in the opposite direction to them and we'd meet them back at mine for the planned Halloween get together once we'd all finished.

I text them later to say we were back at home, and heard nothing. Ds kept asking when his friend was coming round and I explained they'd come when they'd finished their trick or treating. After an hour or so I tried to ring but no answer and when my dc got tired and went to bed, I sent another text saying they were now asleep.

I've just received this text

'If you didn't want to trick or treat with us you should have said before when we discussed coming round. X and Y are upset that your kids ruined their planned party by leaving us. I know they are not used to Ddog but this is something they need to get over.'

I am fucking fuming, and tempted to send an angry reply but just want to check if IABU . I really feel that this dog shouldn't have come, especially as they know my kids are scared by it. The invite was for them and their dc, not once was Ddog joining mentioned and I assumed they wouldn't bring him out.

I know you replied to their original text but I'm furious on your behalf. I don't think you're original reply was far wrong!!!

I'd be inclined to send another this morning along the lines of...

I've had time to reflect on what happened last night and I have to say I'm still extremely disappointed at your actions last night and your text. You invited yourselves along, disregarded my dc feelings, made them feel afraid in their own street and have the the nerve to blame us for your dc being upset. It was totally inappropriate of you to bring your dog when you know my DC are scared of it. Don't even think of springing that on us again without discussion. Not everyone likes dogs and YOU need to learn to accept this, especially when you are being hosted by us. I expect am apology from you or I'm afraid this will affect our friendship.

If you can phone them rather than text that would be better to be honest. But I couldn't let it drop at that. Who the fuck do they think they are?

Given you said they have a very quiet neighbourhood for trick or treating i assume fireworks weren't likely to be set off scaring the dog and necessitating it coming along.
Can only deduce from that, they brought it because they wanted to combine the evening dog walk with the trick or treating, hopefully not because they are just rude and wanted to "show" you there was no reason for your kids to fear it with you as witness.
As said, did they expect you to let said dog into your home for the after party? Fear aside, even with no allergies, some people just don't want animals in their home, to not ask and just show up with it is beyond rude and probably not an oversight.
Blaming you is not on, they know they messed up, but seem to think their kids, and dog, outrank yours. Not someone i'd go out of my way to socialise with after this, but just stay the friendly side of civil for kiddies sake.

They were bang out of order but I think they might have realised that; hence sending a normal reply not acknowledging your response. I'd just carry on with the friendship as normal now, but maybe have a conversation about it when you see them. I think your response was fine btw. Your kids are good friends, obviously you value the friendship, so you had to be diplomatic.

I fail to see how kids need to "get over" being afraid of a dog that is not under the control of its owner (which it isn't if it's jumping up on them!). We have a dog, and cats so my kids are well used to pets, but DD is still terrified of dogs she doesn't know jumping up on her. I think she was very rude to bring the dog without asking first, her MIL is a member of the family too but she wouldn't just rock up with her would she?

I would have said, "The invite was for you and the kids, not the dog because, as you well know, the kids are scared of the dog. Perhaps that is something they will get over in time but it's not for you to take it upon yourself to make that happen by inviting your dog along without discussion with anyone. Not cool."

She thinks she can send you a shitty text and then calmly arrange a play date?

Fuck that.

I'd be thinking along the lines that she ruined trick or treating for your kids this year with her selfish behaviour, and then makes it all about her and her kids when they were the ones who made all the decisions which made the evening go south.

Bitch. Sorry I would be distancing myself.

Ok, you need to respond and politely, something along the lines of its a shame it didn't work out, let's plan it better next time, loved seeing uou guys, kids looked great. Otherwise it's going to get awkward, so take the high ground.

I agree they are out of line. We have friends with two dogs, one of them huge, and they come over every few weeks to stay, and even after all these years they still text and ask if it's ok to bring the dogs, and for a number of years we also had a dog, and the dogs loved playing together, and they still asked.

So yes, it's rude to simply turn up with the dog, especially if they know there is a problem. To be fair, they have a point on the dog though, the kids shouldn't be scared to this extent where it upsets them and ruins their evening, and for their own sake, this is indeed something they need to get over, but that is for you to manage and is none of their business.

"My kids were scared of Ddog, so we made best of a bad job last night. Had expected to have you round after so kids disappointed you all disappeared. Playdate good idea next week - also can we get together and discuss methodof getting kids used to Ddog?"

Re getting your kids used to Ddog. I'm thinking of some sort of systematic desensitisation, maybe starting at pick up time for a minute or two.

It's amazing that so many people haven't rtft and are still composing texts for her to send.

I don't get bringing a dog trick or treating anyway. Who wants to open their door expecting to see a gang of cute little witches or skeletons and be confronted with the Hound of the Baskervilles?
Bringing it to complete strangers doors is bloody ridiculous.
Is she very PFB about her dog??

I wouldn't undertake any kind of desensitisation programme for my kids with a huge uncontrolled dog & owners with an attitude like theirs..

The point is that it's not even about the kids being scared and desensitiising them doesn't mean they'll love having them around anyway. I was scared of dogs as a child, I don't them now. Sorry to dog-lovers but I don't.

So my idea of a good evening out does not involve dogs.

I do think that it is perfectly possible for a dog-lover to have a pleasant evening out without their dog, just as it is perfectly possible for a mother or father to have a pleasant evening out without your kids or other half. Because someone is part of the family does not mean that it is always appropriate to take them along to an event, whether human or animal.

I'd go back to her and say you are glad that she was ok as they didn't turn up afterwards as arranged and that future arrangements need to not involve Ddog. But you may decide just to let it go as others have suggested.

I really wish MN had an edit function. I meant I don't LIKE them now.

I think I would have asked her yo hang back with the dog so the kids did not to walk past it

I'm not going to start desensiting my kids to the dog, or try any exposure therapy!!! They are fine with other friends dogs, will go up and gently stroke several pets they know, but are scared of this beast that has knocked them over in the past. Yes, to other people its a dog, and a much loved member of their family, but to my dc its a huge animal with teeth the size of their fingers that likes to pounce on people and throws them to the ground. If my dc weren't scared of the dog Id be questioning their survival instinct.

Bumped into the other mum at the school gate. We were both terribly British about the whole thing, ignored the dog issue and spoke about the weather.

I'd probably do the same. But I'd go home and yell at the sofa.