To think more than 3-5 presents for a birthday is excessive?

[NotMeredithGrey]

So many of my friends put photos of Facebook of their children on their birthday morning surrounded by mountains and mountains of presents - a quick count of the ones over this weekend looks like an average of 10-12 per child - THESE ARE JUST FROM THE PARENTS. Not family or friends, just the parents! AIBU to think this is at best unnecessary and at worst just plain excessive and likely to lead to a spoilt child?! Genuinely wondering whether I'm just a tight arse as it seems to be the norm these days!! I get my kids between 3-5, but that will be like a book, a toy, some clothes etc.
I thought I was normal, clearly not!

I don't think it's the pile of presents that's a problem,; it's the posting a pic of it on Facebook. The only reason to do it is to show off, so I find it all a bit 'ew' - just like the 'present piles under the tree' people post at Christmas.

We do 'piles' of presents but I don't see the need to post pictures of them on the web

God do people really think this stuff??? If someone buys their kids 10+ presents do people really think thats "spoiling" them? And if people buy their kids 3 presents, people honestly think thats "cruel"???

Really I dont know what to say about either of those views. Its not the number of present at all, a spoilt child can be made with 1 or 100 presents. Its the spirit in which it is given, and the spirit with which it is received. I always buy things like socks or duvet covers for our kids around Xmas / Birthday and they just love the act of unwrapping the present.

Spoiling a child has far far more to do with many other things than the number of birthday pressies they receive.

Actually, scrap that, Facebook in general seems to be one big show-off-fest, so I suppose why should birthdays and Christmas be any different?

YABU. My kids get a fair few, and quite a bit for Xmas too. Barely get anything through the year though. Usually for birthdays its books, clothing, vouchers, sports stuff, earrings for dd, trainers, Lego, games, maybe some sweets, notebooks, pens, gift cards etc. Then birthday tea & cake. Get stuff from family too.

today we gave our newly-turned-4-year-old 6 presents. Your approval was not requested.

we make up for the fact that a lot of the family couldn't care less.

I agree wholeheartedly with OP. My son is about to turn 12 and wants a PS4 which costs £250. That's a fortune in my view.Id much rather not buy it. The compromise is he has to pay towards it. I was never spoilt with mountains of presents as a child- at Christmas it was nice but not excessive. We were ok off but not comfortable /affluent eg we had a fairly decent 4 bed detached but my mum made our clothes from the market fabric. I grew up as a saver, I'm never in debt, I've always understood the value of money and how much stuff costs because I never had it on a plate - I had to work for it. I never have a sense of entitlement that I should get tons of stuff for nothing and respected my parents for doing the best they could. My parents put what very little money they had into an education which allowed me to earn decent money now. I could easily afford to spoil my children but instinctively it feels so wrong. I'd rather give them my deepest love, affection and time than a mountain of materialistic crap. Sorry but I feel we have become such a culture of excessive indulgence. It makes the peer group pressure for those whose parents have can't afford it so difficult aswell. Half of the materialistic crap won't be used in 3 weeks time. It's monumental waste. Sorry I know this has turned int a bit of a rant! I'm just so sick of the constant judging of people by what they buy.

Spoiling is more behaviour based than cost based.

It's very easy to go overboard with children as there are so many nice things on the market.

Some buy lots, some buy essentials and wrap them as gifts and others buy little and take a "moral" stance on consumerism.

Children are only young once, as an adult birthdays aren't a big deal so let them have presents and parties whilst they are young enough to enjoy and love them.

As a child I always received piles of presents for birthday/Xmas.

However,

These piles would include winter coat & boots at Xmas and my summer birthday would include new school shoes. Toys would also mostly consist of cheap market toys. I would very very very rarely receive clothes or toys at any other time of the year. We were very poor growing up.

I'm in a more fortunate financial position compared to my parents and I know they think I'm mean as I'm only buying my toddler 4 presents for Xmas (one of which, the 'main' present, is from a charity shop) however I buy her clothes and age appropriate toys on a fairly regular basis.

As for posting on fb, it's crass.

I think that the cost of things does matter in all of this. Why should my child think he absolutely deserves to get a £250 gaming box? Maybe the number of things is not so important but the price then. I feel that when my 12 year old 'demands /expects a PS4' because all of his mates have one he is showing no understanding of how much things cost. To think that some children do this to a parent who cannot ever afford these things is something that children need to be helped to understand. I don't think this is being 'moral' as some posters say- this is about a child learning to understand the value of things and not to have such an expectation that if I click my fingers the parent will produce. one day my son will be a grown up and I'd rather he learns now that money doesn't grow on trees. If he is used to getting a large pile of stuff or develops a constant expectation of expensive gadgets -because he's always had that- that cannot be a good way to develop. So I expect him to contribute some of his own money towards things that cost an excessive amount. It's important to be humble in my view. And so many kids spout off at school about their stuff. Then their equally crass parents post it on social media.

I'm a other who couldn't care less about the amount of presents, but thinks it's awful to post 'pile pics' on FB. Especially at Christmas because most children will be getting presents so it's more of a direct comparison iyswim. They're purely posted for bragging reasons and can make people feel awful if they can't give their kids the same sized pile as others.

I give my kids a big pile on their birthdays. They get very little through the year. It's mostly about walking into the room on their birthday to see balloons and a banner and a biiiig pile if gaudy gifts to unwrap. Most will be very cheap with maybe one or two bigger gifts. On balance, through a year, I think my children have less in terms of clothes and toys than their peers. I am acutely sensitive to the fact we can't give them holidays and outings etc, so yes, I make birthdays a big occasion.

These mountains of presents can be deceiving. There's one woman on my Fb who plays number one mother, posts such as "my perfect angels" "mammy's babies" etc and every year posts pictures of piles of presents. Truth is I've often see her out and about swearing at her children, dragging them along and I've actually seen her buy around 20 things in the pound shop a few days before her daughters birthday. Ofcourse shes always careful to only post pictures of unopened presents. So while she brags that her perfect angel deserves all her presents, in actual fact it's stuff from the pound shop. I'm only saying this as I've seen it with my own eyes that much of the time on social media it's for show more than anything for attention.
Not always but in my experience it is.
So I'd say the number of presents doesn't really matter. Someone could just buy their child one but that's an ipad. Far more expensive than the above example.
Just don't pay attention.

Just want to add, I'm not slating pound shops. I've actually. Bought some good books for my eldest two when they were young. I mentioned it as people purposely set out to deceive like they're in some sort of competition. It's ridiculous but people actually do it.

I think it depends what they get from other people. (And really it's none of my business)

We usually only buy one present one birthdays, because the rest of the family/family friends buy presents so they end up with loads.

Plus I'm rapidly running out of places to put them.

I struggle to find things to buy mine as they barely play with what they have.

Usually when I see photos like that I just think how can these parents afford all that? My kids get 2-3 parents from us and are grateful for that. I was really pissed off after DS's birthday, his friend from s frw doors down said what did you get and when DS showed him he just said what else did you get? I normally get at least 6. My kids get plenty from family and friends too so I'm not going to buy more to keep up with the Jones's, it's ridiculous!!

When I was a child I got a "pile" of presents- but that was because I would usually have a party with 6-12 guests and they would all give me a present (I loved it ) I don't remember exactly what I would get from my parents, maybe 1 to 4 presents depending on expense? Stuff like rollerblades, art sets...not clothes unless it was something like branded trainers or a leather jacket. I would get a token gift "from" my younger brother, and grandparents would usually give me a subscription to a magazine.

In our family Christmas was definitely a "pile of gifts" occasion but that's from a combination of parents and other family. Birthdays were more restrained- as a teenager onwards I would get 2 or 3 gifts that were thoughtful but not hugely expensive.

I came from a comfortable middle class home so I had quite a lot spent on me in piano lessons, sports kit, holidays- but I can still remember some of my primary school friends thinking I was hard done by for "only" getting a bike and a book when they got a huge mountain of tat toys.

The key thing here for me is parent's who say 'who cares, I'm going to SPOIL my kids'.
Spoil.
The word means:
diminish or destroy the value or quality of. or
harm the character of (a child) by being too lenient or indulgent.

It may seem like you're doing them a favour, but giving everything they want is not how the rest of life works. More is not necessarily better.

In my family we don't buy much at all at Christmas time (only a stocking) but birthdays are very important and gift filled. I've had comments from "friends" saying that I spoil my DDs on their birthday, but as far as I'm concerned it's the only day of the year that is theirs and they should be treated!

Oh and my child who is only getting one present for her third birthday (how cruel of me!) is also getting a party with a bouncy castle, face painting or balloon modelling. Is that allowed? Cruel or not cruel? Can I put pictures on Facebook? Am I spoiling her for life?

You are not judgemental op. I hate present mountains and pics of DC holding the most expensive toy. Keep them for private memories . It's not whether we over indulge or spoil our kids that bothers me it's the notion that you have to get lots to feel it's a good birthday. We are evening brainwashed by mass consumerism and its that which disturbs me. That said I have read quite a lot into the topic but still feel the need to give the kids enough to open so guilty as charged.

My DDs like to rip off the paper as much as the present inside. I buy a lot of presents but there is usually one main thing and lots of fillers. But I'd never put a pic in Facebook!
Dd1's friend is very materially spoiled but a lovely wee girl. She got an Apple Watch for her 9th birthday. An Apple Watch! I don't even know an adult with one!

Wow..my kids get one present for their birthday off me and DH. 2 at a push if we are feeling flush.

I always feel we underspend at christmas too. I look at other peoples 'santa' gifts and I feel bad for how little my kids have in comparison. my sister is terrible for this...last year her daughter got about 100 presents for xmas. Around the same amount as we had bought between 5 of them...

100 presents?! Wow.

**FuckingHateRats, a birthday in your house seems wonderful! Can I come?? Smarties pancakes FTW!
Also I would like to clarify that when I say my kids get "some clothes", it's the characterised/branded clothes that they've been pestering me for, like a Batman hoodie or Adventure Time Converse or something. I'm not just buying them a plain T Shirt or a pack of socks :)

we're not materialistic and I often hold things back for birthdays. My DS might have a bigger bike and nothing else. Or alternatively he might have a new jumper plus membership to somewhere very special or an experience day, plus edible extravagancies, plus a quirky pencil case.