AIBU? Brother turning up at 9:30am on a Sunday!?

[BusyHomemaker]

My brother texts earlier in the week saying he and his wife were going to pop round on Sunday with DD's birthday gifts, as it was her birthday on Tues I replied this was fine buy we'll be chilling at home all day due to long day out on Sat. He replied with the caveat that it would be a flying visit - they live over an hour away and we hardly see them.

He is incredibly unreliable so I wasn't fully expecting a visit. Plus that don't drive and public transport on a Sunday is terrible.

At 8:30am I received a text informing me they'd be at hours by 9:30am. I called asking if they were joking and it turned out they were able to catch a lift. I asked for more time and they turned up at 10am.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable?

My family totally lack boundaries!

Way too early. I don't like anyone coming before midday.

I don't think 10 is early - you had some advanced warning - your brother has transport problems and your daughter got a present.
I think he was more than considerate and you are being unreasonable. Birthday's come once a year - exceptions should be made. (Think what this post would be if he forgot her birthday)

After all like you say the journey would usually be difficult, they could catch a lift at that time so I think fair enough.....

I think YABU. I would only be cross if they came without previously telling me... if they just turned up..Otherwise any time after 9 should be fine for a quick visit.

I should have been more clear.

I usually get along with my brother and would love to spend more time with him. I've invited him to our home many times and the only other time he has visited in the past year was a flying (and spontaneous) visit.

He's good company but made some poor life choices in the past and since meeting his new wife two years ago then going travelling with her last year, getting hitched and turning up on my parents doorstep in August when we all thought they were teaching English in Thailand our relationship has been strained. He is 31 and his wife is 23 but they both act very young and aren't able to commit to plans or think things though.

Since they returned from their year abroad DP has only observed rude treatment from my brother towards me and so he wasn't best pleased about him dictating how we spent our Sunday morning when he has been rude to my face can't even commit to an arrangement. DP does get a bit huffy when he's pissed off and having been through EA I questioned it but we were able to have a reasonable discussion about it. We've only been together 18months and living together has been a (mostly fun) learning curve for us both!

It was DD's birthday LAST Tuesday and not so much as a text from my brother. He texted on Thurs in a flippant manner so I didn't take it too seriously also due to public transport (wrongly) assumed it would be an afternoon visit. He sent me a text on Sunday at 8:30 saying they were on their way and would be an hour. I didn't read this until 9am (when DD woke up due to a busy week) and called him straight away asking for more time.

I do appreciate the effort they went to for DD.

I'm sorry I didn't give the whole story initially I guess I wasn't really thinking... I don't post on mumsnet often and didn't expect such a response. I just needed to vent!

Thanks for all of the responses I will certainly be more clear with future visits about when is a good time for us.

Yes you at being unreasonable. You should be glad he will take the time to travel on public transport for over an hour just to bring your daughter a birthday gift.
You said you hardly see him also you could always drive down to his?

YANBU
9am on a Sunday is too early or should at least be given advance notice.

Yes we're unlikely to still be asleep but probably getting showered & dresses in rotation / having breakfast or cooking it if having anything more substantial than cereal.

I wouldn't want anyone turning up while that's going on. Giving notice of "it's likely to be 10am" means at least not diving out 'first thing' and being ready to let them in and offer a hot drink

Too early on a sunday definitely. Seems like a passive agressive visit to me.

Pre kids,no way, post kids not a problm

I find it all quite puzzling

Perhaps we all make poor life choices at times. It's not clear what you believe your brother's to have been. But I'm not sure that doing some travelling and getting married to somebody 8 years younger is necessarily a bad thing. Not owning a car and using public transport also doesn't make you a bad person.

Some people aren't great about doing plans in advance, but that isn't quite the same as being rude

Arguably having been in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone and having a child with them could be seen as 'a poor life choice'. Or if a partner is capably of being 'huffy' and 'grumpy', those are qualities that can seem quite close to rudeness.

I was interested in the thread because I have a brother who is 'differently wired'. There have been times when his visits have been a bit inconvenient - because of changes of plan, or a habit of unannounced visits that just happen to be at mealtimes. So I have fed him a lot but there's not been a lot of returning the favour. But I value the fact that he's wanted to be a good uncle and has succeeded with this.

I am not someone who is completely 'open house', and thinks all of my relatives can walk in at absolutely any time without notice.

However the brother sounds okay. Maybe a bit annoying at times and a different person than you. But interesting.

Whereas, your set up sounds a bit uptight. Rather like those households where they plan a month's isolation from the world after a baby is born so the 'little family' can do 'bonding'.) Yes, sometimes you plan a lie in or a lazy morning. Only someone ends up dropping in for half an hour or an hour, you give them up a coffee. Then you carry on with the lazy morning.

XArguably having been in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone and having a child with them could be seen as 'a poor life choice'."

Seriously MarianneSolong ????

I was proud of him for travelling. They met when he was going through an annulment and didn't go through the smoothest start. Getting married again seemed a bit rushed and I worry he'll be hurt again.

Turning up unannounced on my parents doorstep was childish and inconsiderate. My mum nearly had a heart attack! Also, she works from home in a responsible job.

I'm currently learning to drive at 34 so absolutely no prejudice there!

The poor life choices occurred before traveling. Sadly, he's made himself quite unpopular in our home town. I think it's positive that he moved away, I did so too for many years.

It's the unreliability that's pissing me off and I just needed to vent. Won't be doing that on MN again!

Siblings can be terribly annoying and get on each other's nerves. The original poster is the older one by a few years. But she's sounding positively parental here, by calling her brother 'childish.'' Perhaps it's the usual rivalry and competition for a parent's love.

The brother's crime now is to have (nearly) given his mother a heart attack, via an unnannounced visit.

People who work from home do find unexpected visitors quite trying - although typically mothers feel some affection for their children and are pleased to see them. And yes, there's a responsibility to get one's work done. However, it doesn't sound to me as if the mother is the CEO of a major international company who was on the point of finalising a million pound contract, with only a few minutes to go before the deadline.

This might sound snide. But the point is that to people on the outside, it's the general family dynamics that sound quite strange (rather than just/only the brother) - which is why there isn't a huge outpouring of sympathy.

He had spoken to my parents two days before from Thailand, lied about plans to stay there longer and suddenly arrived on their doorstep.

My mum does have an important job do to with safeguarding and often writes reports for court. It's a demanding role and she's great at it. She obviously wasn't going to carry on working given she hadn't seen my brother for a year!

I wasn't looking for sympathy!? I've just found some of these comments to be rather judgemental.

People on AIBU board are quite judgey.
That's usually the way it goes and why it's so popular.
It wasn't that early and your DP sounds like a grumpy arse.

Sometimes/often the judgements are in response to the original post.

So if somebody - more or less - says, 'I think my brother is a bad person', that in itself is quite a judgemental remark. And there may be disagreements unless he's an abusive axe-murderer and thief.

It may well be that our siblings may act differently than we do, and be capable of acts of inconsideration. But I'd argue that if a son does something which temporarily inconveniences a parent, unless the parent is helpless and old and sick, then it's essentially between the parent and the son.

It sounds like a complicated family set up, in which all sorts of big emotions are hooked on to small actions - an earlyish visit with a gift - that would be complete non-issues in a more healthy environment.

I think it doesn't matter when anyone else gets up, what's relevant is YOU didn't want to be disturbed so early and so you definitely weren't being unreasonable in feeling irritated, especially since you had been out late the day before and wanted to lie in.

However, I think the problem is twofold. One .. perhaps you should tell him for the future that although you love his visits, you'd prefer they weren't before blah o clock at weekends. Two - I think if what you say about your husband is genuine (and I'm not sure you weren't just 'people pleasing posters who implied that you were unreasonable) then I think that to a certain extent your anger would have been stoked by his irritability on the subject. Furthermore, you may have even tried to make it clear to your brother that you wanted a lie in because your husband had planted that seed in the first place.

I think you should perhaps look at this possibility as well. I know what it's like to be controlled by someone's anger/irritability without even realising it and when you do you can try to deal with it.

But no, YANBU, to answer your question but your brother sounds lovely and I wouldn't want to upset him at all so just try to communicate more clearly. He sounds reasonable by the fact that they waited an extra 30 mins before turning up and didn't seem to be at all offended by that.

Good luck! :)

Turning up unannounced on my parents doorstep was childish and inconsiderate. My mum nearly had a heart attack! Also, she works from home in a responsible job..

So?? Is your mum a bit of a drama lama? Family trait?!

For what it's worth, my own father had very extreme, rigid boundaries and would get huffy and/or communicate in writing when he felt they'd been transgressed.

So when I went to visit my mother and him, he'd often arrange to be out when I arrived. Or take offence at something remark or minor action and say nothing and glower.

There was an occasion on when a visit by brother caused extreme offence. Some of my brother's friends had called round to see him there at about 5 and lingered chatting to my mother, at a time when she would normally have been cooking supper. Cue for a long letter from my Dad about how visitors must be told not to come at a time when it interfered with domestic routine.

So if someone regularly pitches up earlyish on Sunday morning, yes why not tell them that a bit later works better for the family? But getting so hot under the collar about a one-off trip with a gift is reminding me of the sort of thing my Dad - an emotional abuser if ever there was one - would do.