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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Brother turning up at 9:30am on a Sunday!?

149 replies

BusyHomemaker · 30/10/2016 13:32

My brother texts earlier in the week saying he and his wife were going to pop round on Sunday with DD's birthday gifts, as it was her birthday on Tues I replied this was fine buy we'll be chilling at home all day due to long day out on Sat. He replied with the caveat that it would be a flying visit - they live over an hour away and we hardly see them.

He is incredibly unreliable so I wasn't fully expecting a visit. Plus that don't drive and public transport on a Sunday is terrible.

At 8:30am I received a text informing me they'd be at hours by 9:30am. I called asking if they were joking and it turned out they were able to catch a lift. I asked for more time and they turned up at 10am.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable?

My family totally lack boundaries!

OP posts:
Eevee77 · 30/10/2016 14:14

As PP mentioned too, the clocks have changed. So you gained an hour there too. Your DH sounds unreasonable

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/10/2016 14:16

It;s your brother, not a Royal Visit - how much preparation do you need to do?

Mind, I m usually up with the dogs at about 5.30 anyway, and would be washed, dressed and whatever by 10.00. But either way - my bro has seen me in my dressing gown before - I wouldn't be bothered.

Starlight2345 · 30/10/2016 14:17

You may of had a late night but without the clock adjustments they arrived at 11... Your DP was rude.

I am not sure why having a chilled out day means DB can't pop in.. I do wonder if DP wants these boundaries not you.

OnionKnight · 30/10/2016 14:17

YABU and your DH sounds like a knob.

tallulahturtle · 30/10/2016 14:21

I was out the house by 7.30. 9.30/10.00, is practically afternoon in my head but I am a horse person so my brain functions differently. I would be climbing the walls if I wasn't dressed and ready for general life by 9am on a Sunday.

Original poster
BusyHomemaker · 30/10/2016 14:21

No I wasn't horrible and I called to thank him and let him know DD was playing with her new toys.

It's just stressful dealing with a moody DP who is critical of everyone I know. I've been in a EA marriage before and I'm trying to work out if these are red flags or personality flaws.

OP posts:
TaterTots · 30/10/2016 14:22

You may of had a late night but without the clock adjustments they arrived at 11

A few people have mentioned this but my mind boggles as to why it is relevant. They didn't arrive at 11. They arrived at 10. 10 is 10, even when the clocks have gone back. Or do you all spend October to March ignoring the clock and pretending it's an hour later? Can I leave work at 4 tomorrow because it's really 5?

Squeegle · 30/10/2016 14:22

It depends on the back story, -
And it is a bit less than thoughtful to arrive at 930 on a Sunday!

kinloss · 30/10/2016 14:22

I really don't see how delivering a gift after a couple of text messages and having established you'd be at home is 'overstepping boundaries.'

If someone showed up - without warning - expecting a cooked breakfast or to be entertained formally with lots of polite conversation, plus a trip to local beauty spot and any children on their best behaviour, that would be trying.

GiddyGiddyGoat · 30/10/2016 14:28

It is relevant if op is saying that part of the unreasonableness was due to having had such a long day yesterday and apparently need ing to stay home the whole day to chill and relax Hmm - to the extent of not being able to welcome her brother for 5 mins...

OP I think you sort of know that your dp is not being at all reasonable - if you were previously in an EA relationship then your boundaries are perhaps a bit skew wiff and it makes it hard to know what's ok and what's not. Does your dp generally welcome you having relationships with others? Make your friends welcome in your own home? You are right to be concerned about this being a BIG red flag imo.

JacquesHammer · 30/10/2016 14:28

YABU.

Unless you'd said when the plans were first mooted "that sounds great but we like a lie in on a Sunday so anytime after 10 would be good".

Otherwise they did as they said, came with the gifts.

I'm more pissed by the mother of one of DD's school friends texting at 8am to ask what the homewortk was. They've had it a bloody fortnight. Angry

NavyandWhite · 30/10/2016 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BusyHomemaker · 30/10/2016 14:30

Upon reflection I think that perhaps I should been more clear with my brother about what was an acceptable time for us and told DP to get over it. It was a fleeting visit after all.

OP posts:
YouJustWouldntLetItLieWouldYa · 30/10/2016 14:31

You say your brother is selfish but it sounds like he's gone to a lot of effort to get a present to his niece, i'd think that was really lovely. In all honesty i'm a little jealous that my own family wouldn't go to anywhere near that effort. And 10 am really isn't that early, i'd have just sat and had a brew for a while until dd got up if she was still sleeping.

Time to have a good, hard look at your DP imo, he sounds like the rude, selfish one to me !!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2016 14:33

Gosh!

I'd have said that 9:30am was ok, tbh, depending on whether they expected the house to be pristine and you to have coffee and fresh-baked cakes for them (in which case they would be clearly unreasonable!) - but in most cases, 9:30 would be fine. Since you put it back to 10am, even more fine.

But your subsequent posts have shown your DP to be incredibly rude and bad-mannered - how appalling!

No wonder your brother and his wife don't want to spend more time with you, I wouldn't want to either under those circs.

One of my siblings had a partner like yours - would quite frequently take to their bed when our family went round, with a "headache" or a "stomach ache" - so fucking rude. Thankfully now an ex.

ohdearme1958 · 30/10/2016 14:34

That would have been ok with me. Its family. But even if it was a friend I would still be ok with it.

Life really is too short to be bothered by things like this.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 30/10/2016 14:41

I think its fine! I don'tthink its dv whos the problen.

DinosaursRoar · 30/10/2016 14:45

Agree with others - your dp's inability to be polite to a guest who asked if he could come over and you said all day - not afternoon only - planned to arrive after 9:30 to a household with a 5 year old in (so most would assume you've been up since 7am at the latest!), happily waited until 10 as you asked, on the day the clocks go back so more like 11am, and your dp still made him feel unwelcome.

Huffy men with no social graces are an embarrassment. I hope you told your dp to pull himself together and not be a twat with your family.

It is a red flag that everything has to be on their terms and just sulks and huffs, coupled with not having contact with his family and seeming to resent you having contact with yours, if his idea of family is fucked up, no reason for you to adopt it to match and inflict it on your dd.

Shemozzle · 30/10/2016 14:54

I definitely wouldn't be happy. My friend told me last night she'd visit this morning as she was in the area and would be up early. I didn't message my new address until
9:30 when did woke up just incase but thankfully she didn't turn up until more like 11:30. I wouldn't be happy with anyone visiting before 10, and even 10 I'd want some fair warning so we would be dressed easier and I could tidy up.

My youngest wakes up between 8-9 and my other one always wakes up after 10. None of us are ever dressed before 10 and we have a later breakfast/brunch on weekends so I'd feel like my day was put out of it wasn't previously arranged.

Memoires · 30/10/2016 14:59

Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable. Selfish man. He needs to grow up. I'm talking about your dh. Your brother sounds lovely.

WhisperingLoudly · 30/10/2016 15:04

Any time after 9 would be fine for me but equally if my siblings came round for a quick visit and we were all in PJs that'd be fine.
(For a longer visit involving food I'd want a bit more time in advance to prep)

Did your DH spend any time with your bother or was he too busy sulking - pretty poor shoe by him Shock

It's fine for a sibling to miss a DN birthday especially when he turns up within the week with a gift. He certainly doesn't sound selfish on what you've posted. DH on the other hand...

AutumnSunday · 30/10/2016 15:08

Too early for me on a Sunday, I wouldn't appreciate visitors at that time. It's the only day we can just properly chill out in the morning.

FIL tends to pop in unannounced at random early times, usually on his way back from a carboot, he's very loud too and talks non stop, not the best way to start my day Hmm

hesterton · 30/10/2016 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BusyHomemaker · 30/10/2016 15:21

There is a lot of background to this regarding my brother and his wife. As for DP he is usually very accommodating but recently has been a total grumpus. We've just had a reasonable discussion regarding this. He admits he was grumpy but regards my brother as inconsiderate (for many other reasons) so this was the proverbial straw. I've suggested he finds a way to deal with this so it doesn't impact on other people and he took it well. Personally, for me, the visit was too early but it was good to see them. DP did spend some time with them and was perfectly polite. Brother is very scatty, nothing is planned and he is always in a rush. Plans are always made on his terms and as lovely as it was to see him it just wasn't a good time for us. I'm possibly being over sensitive (as is DP) as we've had a lot going on and emotions are high.

OP posts:
WhisperingLoudly · 30/10/2016 15:30

Do you accept how unreasonable your DH is being?

You refer to this as being the final straw but in reality your brother did nothing wrong on this occasion.

You didn't specify that 9:30 was too early and as you can see from responses the majority of posters think its a reasonable time.

Apologies if I'm jumping to massive conclusions but your comments re boundaries with your family had alarm bells ringing. Is this driven by your DH who thinks they should spend less time with you?

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