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AIBU?

AIBU? Brother turning up at 9:30am on a Sunday!?

149 replies

BusyHomemaker · 30/10/2016 13:32

My brother texts earlier in the week saying he and his wife were going to pop round on Sunday with DD's birthday gifts, as it was her birthday on Tues I replied this was fine buy we'll be chilling at home all day due to long day out on Sat. He replied with the caveat that it would be a flying visit - they live over an hour away and we hardly see them.

He is incredibly unreliable so I wasn't fully expecting a visit. Plus that don't drive and public transport on a Sunday is terrible.

At 8:30am I received a text informing me they'd be at hours by 9:30am. I called asking if they were joking and it turned out they were able to catch a lift. I asked for more time and they turned up at 10am.

AIBU to think this is unacceptable?

My family totally lack boundaries!

OP posts:

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DinosaursRoar · 30/10/2016 15:35

But your brother made plans! He asked if he could come over on Sunday, you said any time in the day - not after lunch, he texted you an hour before hand, he planned to arrive at 9:30 - which is perfectly normal time to arrive for most people, then you asked him to delay until 10, which he did, but your DP still waited until your brother arrived to get ready, rather before hand.

Was there any time in the morning that would have been acceptable to your dp, given he wasn't ready at 10?

Your brother made reasonable plans and arrived at a reasonable time, if you wanted to see him at a particular time you should have said so, when he made the plan to come over.

EmGee · 30/10/2016 15:40

Well you sound lovely OP! You have taken on board everyone's comments as well as dealing with moody DH and calling your brother to thank him for the presents. I hope you have enjoyed the rest of your Sunday .

DinosaursRoar · 30/10/2016 15:41

And you say your db makes plans on his terms, but you did say that any time would be ok on Sunday. On the day he asked for 9:30, you said 10 and that's when he arrived - to find your dp only just going for a bath then.

It must be the backstory we are missing, because that sounds like your brother made reasonable plans which you agreed to, not that you said "sorry, Sunday doesn't work" and then he insisted.

Your DP was very rude to not bother getting ready in the hour he had between you seeing your brothers text at 9 and his arrival at 10.

Was it that you didn't really think your db would show up?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 30/10/2016 15:46

My MiL does this - never plans, wants us to come over for tea but doesn't tell us till the same morning. And if our plans are of the 'just chilling' variety, it took me a long time to persuade DP that it was OK to say no, so I get what your DH says about dancing to your DB's tune.

However I think part of your problem here is that you weren't specific enough or explained enough. Saying we'd be chilling all day to you included not too early, whereas DB would (imo) have been reasonable to interpret that as 'we'll be in all day so anytime you drop by is fine'. Also you were half prepared for him not turning up at all even though he'd said he would - and did. And because of transport never expected him so early anyway, but when he had the chance of a lift he thought it would be OK to take it (see the point about chilling all day).

So I think a lot of the issues here are down to the way you handled it.

If you can learn to be clearer with DB and not make assumptions, and DH accepts that he was a grump on this occasion, you'll be fine.

XiCi · 30/10/2016 15:46

I can't see what your brother has done wrong here, so can't see how it could be the straw that broke the camels back for your DP. Your DP going for a bath as soon as they arrived was just horrible. I can't imagine my DH behaving like that towards any of my family, so unbelievably rude.

You say he is super critical of everyone you know. What does this entail? Does he try and alienate you from friends and family?

londonrach · 30/10/2016 15:47

Thats ok. Its family and after 9am

HereIAm20 · 30/10/2016 15:48

If its your brother does it matter if you weren't dressed anyway? I'm still in my nightie

BackforGood · 30/10/2016 15:48

I agree with most - but you have acknowledged YWBU, and it is your dp who sounds as if he has the problem.
If your brother lives some distance away and doesn't have a car, I'm pretty impressed he came over at all to deliver your dd's present. Obviously if he was able to cadge a lift, then that makes a whole lot of sense for him to come then. Not like he arrived without letting you know. Not like he arrived expecting a full meal to be served. Not like he arrived before the crack of dawn. I struggle to see why your dp has any problem with it at all, tbh.

BowieFan · 30/10/2016 15:58

Meh. I couldn't get worked up about it. We're awake by then but usually still having breakfast or sleeping in if we've had a late Saturday (DCs see to themselves), but if we were given notice to expect a visit we'd make sure we were up early just to give us time to get ready.

10am is hardly early anyway. Sounds like your DP is the problem here!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2016 16:01

He got a lift when he was able so he made a big effort. Maybe he is disorganised and inconsiderate but on this occasion at least, your dp is the inconsiderate one.

LetsAllEatCakes · 30/10/2016 16:03

It's a red flag that you say your dp is super critical of everyone you know. He is the common denominator there.

If your brother is scatty then set times are better and if it's no good for you then it's no good. Thats fair enough.

TheNaze73 · 30/10/2016 16:10

Anything before midday on a Sunday is rude, unless mutually agreed

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 16:10

DB may usually be inconsiderate/rude whatever.

But this time? He said that he'd come on Sunday, he called an hour beforehand and showed up (at your request) at 1000.

In this instance DB was perfectly polite and considerate.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/10/2016 16:10

It's your brother... do you even need to be dressed to open the door to your brother? Was DD awake? I can't see that it would matter if she was still in her PJs.
And if he was able to get a lift, he'd have to go with what was on offer. Would you rather not have seen him at all?

Missingthesea · 30/10/2016 16:13

9.30 seems relatively reasonable considering that my own brother gets so anxious at the thought of getting caught in traffic that he always leaves home ridiculously early when going anywhere.
He and SIL once turned up at 7.20 a.m. on a Saturday, having left home at 5.30 and not even stopped for breakfast. I was at the door in my dressing gown, waving a welcome with one hand while trying to "shush" SIL who, being of course wide awake, had forgotten how early it was and was directing my brother into a parking space along the road at the top of her voice

QuintessentialShadow · 30/10/2016 16:13

Out of interest, did you develop a "long back history" with your brother and his wife before or after you met your dp?

I think you have a dp problem and that your family does not have a boundary problem, and that your judgement is clouded due to your earlier relationship.

If your dp is critical of everybody you know, dont you think it is because he might be trying to cut you off from your family and your support network?

How welcome do you think your brother feels after arriving to yours with your dp in a huff and making a point of going in the bath? Was it really necessary of your dp to demonstrate like this to your family?

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 16:15

Your DP sounds like an arse. He's critical of everybody you know...? That's horrible.

Missingthesea · 30/10/2016 16:22

I was expecting them to arrive early-ish....about 9.00 to 9.30......

blaeberry · 30/10/2016 16:24

missing when I was young we had some family friends turn up unexpectantly at 5:30 am!. I think my parents pointed them in the direction of the kitchen, told then to rack around and find themselves breakfast while they went back to bed got up. They weren't even close friends, more the sort you catch up with every fewyears, but I suppose they thought as they were in the area... (just off an overnight ferry). It was good though as it gave my parents something to laugh about and tease them about for years afterwards.

RebootYourEngine · 30/10/2016 16:25

Your dh is an arse.

I might have still been in bed when the door went but i would have just gotten out of bed and let my dbro in. My family dont care what you are wearing or how tidy/untidy your house is. When my sister visits she usually changes into her pjs, puts the kettle on and helps herself to a cup of tea. Isnt this what being a family is about.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 30/10/2016 16:26

YABU. Your brother asked if it was ok, you said yes, you failed to indicate and time that was somehow unacceptable. If you don't want Sunday morning visitors, don't respond to a request to visit indicating you're available all day.

Your dp was rude.

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 16:31

I'm sorry, op, but how can you stand to be with a man that's critical of everybody you know?

I honestly couldn't. I luckily met DH via a cousin (they went to school together), so that has never been an issue for us.

But seriously, are you happy in this relationship?

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BusyHomemaker · 30/10/2016 16:34

Thanks EmGee and TheDevilMadeMeDoIt

I think we will be fine.

Sometimes I look for red flags, just in case... I don't want history to repeat itself. I've had an issue with my family dynamics for a long time before I met DP and creating firm boundaries has been a work in progress. I will always be sensitive to other people's moods and often question DP when he's in a grump. I avoid have been more clear with my brother but I do appreciate the effort he went to. He has his own issues! DP and I have had a chat and things have been resolved.

Thanks for all the comments.

BTW to all of you Sunday morning early birds!!

OP posts:

littlesallyracket · 30/10/2016 16:37

I'm sure it depends on your routine and your relationship with your brother. I personally wouldn't want anyone visiting me at that time on a Sunday unless we had plenty of notice and/or it was someone like my mum who wouldn't expect a tidy house or lavish hospitality. It's the one day we get any kind of lie-in and I'd barely be awake at 9.30!

As I say, it's a personal thing. I don't get up early, but I don't go to bed early either. I wouldn't expect to visit my brother at 10.30 at night (when I'm wide awake and wouldn't even be thinking about bedtime, while he'd have his PJs on), so I wouldn't expect him to visit at 9.30 in the morning, when he might be wide awake but I wouldn't be.

Some of us are night owls and some of us are larks; neither is superior to the other and I think people of both types should be considerate to the other regarding visiting times.

haveacupoftea · 30/10/2016 16:40

DH sounds like a twat. Your brother should be welcome round anytime.

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