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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dread the school run mum's

73 replies

Playdoughinthecarpet · 30/10/2016 10:00

There is a clique of mum's at DD's school. They queue jump at special assemblies, school plays etc which really annoys me.
My Dd 5 was having a play date at a soft play with her friend and I invited another girl. Her mum brought her along with 3 of the clique and their kids. Seriously weird, invite 1 get 4 free. It was OK for the kids playing but I was slowly pushed off the table I'd been at for an hour by a group of women who made no effort to speak to me.
Hate going to pick up Dd from school. Is this common? Am I going to have to put up with this for entire school life. Have sent Dh to pick Dd up whenever possible, even considered moving schools (just for a minute) advice needed. Dd is friends with half of their kids.

OP posts:
usual · 30/10/2016 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusStopBetty · 30/10/2016 10:06

The soft play incident was unkind, but they are not your friends and don't have to be, they are just women who happened to give birth in the same school year as you. Build relationships with people outside of school.

In a few years the children will be at secondary and you won't see any parents. Look forward to no more awkward small talk.

SarahOoo · 30/10/2016 10:08

Oh goodness this just sounds like being back at my all girls secondary school! I'm not sure how feasible this will be for you but totally move away from them if you can. They sound like pathetic twits.

Finola1step · 30/10/2016 10:10

I would take a breezy approach from now on. These people are not your friends, they are mere acquaintances who happen to have their children in the same class as yours. Once you see them as that, you will feel their "influence" less. There are other parents to be friends with.

Original poster
Playdoughinthecarpet · 30/10/2016 10:11

A few years, groan.... Hmm

OP posts:
blowmybarnacles · 30/10/2016 10:19

You are not alone. Have you seen Motherland www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/proginfo/2016/36/motherland

Bloody hilarious.Though trying to negotiate it not so much. Can you make friends with like minded mums? How often do you have to do school run? I have to do it every day. I now mutually ignore the PTA mums who despite having children in my DD's class, ignore my hellos.

These mums are rude and ignorant, ignore if you can and have a book handy if you are forced into their presence.

Original poster
Playdoughinthecarpet · 30/10/2016 10:26

Thanks. Will try breezy Finola, not good at ignoring. My face smiles and I say hi before I realise I'm on the ignore list!
Will definitely watch Motherland, barnacles, looks good.
Have met a couple of nice mums of boys. Dd is definitely one of the girls for the time being!

OP posts:
Meemolly · 30/10/2016 10:30

I favour the 'say hello to everyone regardless of whether they acknowledge me back' approach. I want my kids to live in a world where people still say hello to each other so I stubbornly continue with this approach. Join me. It's much less angry.

formerbabe · 30/10/2016 10:34

I feel your pain! I drop and run...will smile and say hello if anyone approaches me but the school run is not a social occasion for me. I cant be bothered with it all.

DanicaJones · 30/10/2016 10:38

I think it was cheeky/rude of the mum to bring her clique. Can she not cope without them?

winkywinkola · 30/10/2016 10:40

Yes the parents at my dcs school are bizarre in their behavior at times.

Openly rude. Blanking people. Making sure they hang out with the most socially desirable i.e. the richest.

As is the headmaster! But that's another thread.

I just concentrate on my dcs. Say hello to anyone and don't let them get to me.

I was astonished at first but it is their problem.

Head up and know that they are silly moos.

I would however assert myself if I was being pushed off a table!

jeanne16 · 30/10/2016 10:43

I felt this at my DSs school so went out of my way to find the other excluded mums and we formed our own little group, meeting for coffee mornings etc. I'm sure if you look, you will find them. Our little group has stayed friends even though our kids have now left school.

Bbee · 30/10/2016 10:46

Agree. With all that's been said. Shame Motherland isn't on iplayer. Why wasn't it publicised loads lots could do with seeing it by the looks of it!

SoozeyHoozey · 30/10/2016 10:48

One of the benefits of working office hours and avoiding the school gates!

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 30/10/2016 10:52

Don't forget the shy mums! I'm always ready and willing for a chat, but not terribly good at 'mingling'. There might be a quiet mum who would love to meet someone like you, but is a bit intimidated by the pushier ones. If you can make an effort to say hi to as ,any parents as possible, I'm sure you'll meet one who is a better 'fit'.

Oh, and turning up with other mums and their children on a play date you assumed was one to one is just rude! However, some people can only cope with social interaction when they are with their 'pack', so don't take it to heart.

Somerville · 30/10/2016 10:52

They made no effort to speak to you - did you make an effort to speak to them?

Maybe your attitude to other people intruding on your 'soft play playdate' showed on your face and you looked a bit sniffy?

I don't think it's odd at all that you arrange to meet someone at a public place and they invite other people. That's kind of what happens. It's not like you invited her to your house and she brought other people along.

Colette1969 · 30/10/2016 10:52

Throw up your hands and thank god that you don't have to entertain them, as being part of the clicque would certainly involve them being camped at yours at least once a week. Round here we have a serious 4x4 brigade, dripping with funds, who think they're the last word.

Drop the children off, say hi, and keep walking, confident in the knowledge that as the school years progress they will all be backbiting and falling out with each other. You'll meet others who are more your cup of tea over time.

Original poster
Playdoughinthecarpet · 30/10/2016 11:04

Somerville, made a small effort, chipped in to conversations. Mostly speak to the kids, all nice. Had 4 of them over individually for play dates in the summer holidays, 1 girl twice. Never an offer for my Dd to play at their house but they all play together, in 2's, not always as a gang. Have got DD's birthday soon and will be entertaining their children Confused

OP posts:
Parker231 · 30/10/2016 11:06

Thankfully as I've always worked ft I've never done a school run but could you not look out for any other Mums on their own and strike up a conversation with them.

Buddahbelly · 30/10/2016 11:09

Oh we have this same clique at ds's school. consists of a young girl who will speak to anyone but when her pack turn up she turns her back on everyone else, a girl who runs everywhere and turns up in the same clothes everyday, chewing with her mouth wide open, and the pushiest gran i've ever seen who will skip her own work to attend any book/PTA/ which toilet paper to buy the kids meeting going, even the child's mother does not attend that much, but super gran thinks she runs the school, and talks to the teacher by calling her miss.

at first I just wanted to say hello to everyone, but after a week of witnessing this I couldn't bear it, so now I hang back, say hi to those that make eye contact, and await the next few years of party invitations where the clique kids probably wont be invited because they not allowed to play with our children, all desperately sad. I bet there's more than these 4 women in the playground though who would love to talk.

rookiemere · 30/10/2016 11:10

It was very rude of the other DM to invite others to the soft play without speaking to you about it first. However maybe it's her way of trying to introduce you to more DMs.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 11:11

I can never really get my head around this 'clique' thing on Mumsnet.

They're just a group of friends surely? So many MNetters refer to their own group of 'Mum' friends, yet when they're referring to another group of which they're not a part, suddenly it gets called a 'clique'? Confused

She probably should have checked before inviting the other kids and Mums along, but tbh meeting up in a local soft play center is a bit different to an actual play date and being invited to someone's house.

I expect the table getting crowded was par for the course. If they'd gone and sat on a separate one, that would have been far ruder surely?

Somerville · 30/10/2016 11:16

That is a bit bizarre then.

I would view it that those 4 women have formed a friendship and leave them to it. It's almost certainly not personal to you - they just get on well and want to spend time together.

Concentrate on all the people who haven't yet made close friendships in the year.

One of my neighbours complains about the school gate cliques a lot and my youngest child is at the same school and I don't notice them at all. I do think it's partly an attitude thing.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/10/2016 11:28

Exactly, are a group of men a "Clique" or is it just women? When does a group of women become a clique and not just a bunch of women who get on?

kath6144 · 30/10/2016 11:29

Just ignore them and keep talking to the boys mums who seem nice. In time you might find the clique breaks up and you do become friendly with 1 or 2 individually, but if not, so what.

Mine are 16 and nearly 19, I have a small group of mum friends locally, only one of them has a child in same year as either of mine (eldest) but a girl whereas I have a boy. I have known her since baby coffee mornings and the DC are still in same friendship group. The other members of the group all have a child in same year as her youngest.

I know it may seem an eternity at the present, but the primary years will fly by and in no time at all she will be at Secondary. Mine are now at college and uni, so well past those primary years and I dont miss some of the cliques at all. I did try and be on the pre-school committee, but gave that up fairly quickly.