Dread the school run mum's

[Playdoughinthecarpet]

There is a clique of mum's at DD's school. They queue jump at special assemblies, school plays etc which really annoys me.
My Dd 5 was having a play date at a soft play with her friend and I invited another girl. Her mum brought her along with 3 of the clique and their kids. Seriously weird, invite 1 get 4 free. It was OK for the kids playing but I was slowly pushed off the table I'd been at for an hour by a group of women who made no effort to speak to me.
Hate going to pick up Dd from school. Is this common? Am I going to have to put up with this for entire school life. Have sent Dh to pick Dd up whenever possible, even considered moving schools (just for a minute) advice needed. Dd is friends with half of their kids.

LunaLoveg00d. I don't think the OP is saying people should rush up to her and be her best friend. But it is unspeakably rude to gatecrash someone's play date, whether in or outside the home and then ignore the person who organised it. I've got a group of friends that I particularly get on with from school gates (like them because they are friendly to others, not just their group). But I would never ignore people who happened to be out with us, just because they're not from our group. Why make the leap that OP is socially awkward? Saying hello doesn't cost anything.
In my experience, people don't call groups of men cliques because they don't behave in this way. My husband's friends always include anyone who happens to come along on their nights out.

Worraliberty - MN may well call my group a clique, but if so it is a sad clique. Given that the kids are all 15+, we hardly see each other now. 2 or 3 meals out a year, xmas and birthdays (some of which are close together), are about the limit of our social life. Even coffee get togethers have disappeared to nothing, as we all work part time but different days.

One of the group is my neighbour so I see her fairly regularly. 2 of the group walk their dogs together at least once a week, I dont get invited with my dog, sad but I think it is just par for the course as DC get older. Neither of my DC are now at the local school, so no concerts or parents evening in common.

As I am in my forties now I could be 20+ years older than some of my children's classmates parents. I have been friendly with mum's 10-15 years younger than me sometimes I have found their approach to the playground social circles more intense. But with anyone of any age If you put your heart/ soul and tender ego into school run based friendships then you are more vulnerable. The usual ebb and flow of social interaction is more painful, you're more likely to question yourself and worry about other peoples behaviour, and declare eternal friendship or enmity after a couple of Jack Daniels at the local.

This is sounding horribly patronising, but it is based on a very recent friendship break up I have been on the edge of. I was friendly with mum (A) about 12 years younger than I and mum (B) same age as me I had known her longer as our three children are the same age. We went out as a three and in groups fairly regularly and chatted in the playground, helped each other out on occasion. All good but I kept slightly apart as is my habit and was not as intense about the friendship as the other two. After a couple of years friend A (the younger) starts to distance herself and latch on to another person (C), who for various reasons she had more in common with. It all kicked off at Christmas as A turns up at a social event with C after telling B she wasn't coming. B is hurt as she thought they were close, and it becomes extremely frosty on the playground after that, I have stopped being friendly with A although I don't blank her I do avoid her. I have got the vibe that she would like to be friendly still but I do not trust her and it is awkward. I have remained friends with B.

It has been awkward for other people in this social group and I have distanced myself from the group somewhat as it was an unhealthy dynamic. I suppose what we had could be described as a clique as any group can be but tbh there is only a problem when entire groups act as a unit, rather than individuals with personalities. Group behaviour can be very excluding to people not in the group. As happened to the op, if it is a group that would do that to someone, then you are much better off getting away from them. If they need to bolster their fragile egos with pathetic power plays then the best revenge is a happy healthy life with decent friends with their own personalities.

I honestly do 't understand what they've done wrong, except go to a public soft play at the same time as you and sit on your table- surely because they know you and wanted to sit with you or would have sat somewhere else? So they are a group of friends- whats wrong with that? Do you feel uncomfortable because you are not in their close friendship group or have they actively done something to upset you?

They are just a group of friends, of which you don't happen to be a member. There was a group like this at my dc's old school. They were the most glam-looking parents at the school and were always standing around talking for ages and shrieking with laughter. I rarely saw them speak to others who weren't in their group. I admit I occasionally found them a bit irritating. But to be honest I think that what set them apart was that they genuinely were close friends who socialised regularly with each other, possibly from before their dc were at the school, whereas pretty much all the other parents were just nodding acquaintances with each other at most.

I avoid clique groups of mums by mainly speaking to the dad's

They always seen far more down to earth and normal.

Bit then tbh I don't view it as a social gathering anyway. I'm not local to the school so obviously many of them all know own each other from way back.

There are mums who speak to me but they are usually the ones who aren't part of the in crowd anyway

We had a group of 4 women who seemed to be selective as to who they spoke to etc and were just plain nasty. Hard to explain but it was bizarre and caught me off guard as I hadn't expected such childish behaviour. Not sure what happened but about 10 months ago everything changed and they no longer are ever seen together. I'd love to know what happened. Anyway, I just carry on and speak to others.

I honestly do 't understand what they've done wrong, except go to a public soft play at the same time as you and sit on your table- surely because they know you and wanted to sit with you or would have sat somewhere else? So they are a group of friends- whats wrong with that?

Oh come on! OP arranged a meet up at a soft play. This usually involves the kids playing and the adults chatting. She was then excluded from her own table. Surely you understand that's rude? It's not like she's complaining that they don't invite her out to their own gatherings. They also barge in front of everyone else at school events. Surely you wouldn't behave like that yourself?

School stuff is like family or work or anything you don't have to be equally close to everyone and it's fine to only invite certain people out to your own personal social events but if you're at an event that everyone does need to attend (a wedding, work do, birthday party, school BBQ etc) you shouldn't exclude people. Is that really contentious? To me that's really basic good manners and kindness.

I think it's good manners to include others and notice the person who's on the edge and invite them in. OP of course you shouldn't have been sidelined, that's very rude of the others, even more so because you actually arranged the outing!

Of course there are cliques and that's different from a nice group of friends just chatting amongst themselves. Most people do pick up on how other people react to them, and being told it's all in your imagination isn't fair or accurate. There's a clear difference between people who just don't know you, and getting the cold shoulder.

Thanks for all your thoughts, there is hope! Am going to drop Dd at school, smile and be nice and hopefully Dd will not notice she isn't invited to play dates, cinema outings and Halloween parties with her friends.
Being gatecrashed at soft play was odd, Dd played with her friends we had invited, she doesn't play with the girls not in her class. I didn't send her to school expecting to make friends myself but I do chat with a few people. Have ds too and his friends mum's are nice, friendly people but he's not in school yet.....

I want to know how they are queue jumping at special assemblies?

The school run seems to be such a big thing for causing people anxiety. It makes me so glad that I live in area where kids can walk to school and there is no such thing as the school run and, worse still, the school run mums!!

Burntheblacksuit, main hall is through school reception. If one of group is by the front door the others just saunter past queue and join them (you can sneak through the car park and avoid the footpath/normal queue

Soft play is a public place. This woman has (shock) other friends. I think it's normal to invite others and make a bigger occasion of it. The woman is just more social than you.

It would have been rude if it was at the OP's house. It's not rude at a public place.

As a shy, socially inept person, I am so glad I don't have to fake interest in the cliques anymore. My DD goes to school with her friend, and that friend's mother is the nicest most down to earth parent I know. We get on very well. All the others...I haven't found an inch of common ground with any of them! They are mostly SAHM with big houses and pots of spare money! I am a full time shift worker living just above water in a pokey flat! When I can't come to a coffee morning or a school bingo night they look at me like I am an alien!

Cliques are about being exclusionary to other people. You can be a group of friends and manage to politely acknowledge a person on the periphery, particularly when you see them regularly and recognise them.

I'm on the periphery at school because DS didn't come through the school nursery, and I spent much of the first year working full time. This year, although there are clearly established friendships, people do have brief chats with me, and that's fine.

Because of a variety of circumstances, I always ended up at baby groups and activities alone. Most people turned up in pre-arranged clusters and didn't mix. Many times I'd try some basic contact of a smile and a hello to people that I'd see week in, week out and they'd look purplexed at the contact. Some days that would be the extent of adult contact in 12 hours, and it's bloody isolating. I wasn't wanting to be bussom buddies, just basic interaction with an adult.

Gatecrashing a social occasion and freezing out the person who set it up is plain rude.

I know what you mean MrsMook, my DD's playgroups were like this. Now I ask people's names and try a bit harder to engage with people on their own. I walk away feeling happy and then can't remember their name an hour later
I didn't expect all this when we had kids!!

So they're not queue jumping then just joining their mates, if one of your friends was ahead in the queue would you ignore them and wait up at back and ignore them?

I've been on soft play dates where others have been invited along and I've been the one to invite the others, it's never occurred to me to be upset when someone did it to me?
How did they push you out? Did you make an earnest effort to participate or sit on the sidelines in a grump?

Sometimes these things are all about people's perception, I was once accused of being in a clique at my eldest daughter's primary because I was secretary of the ptfa and in the mornings I'd often chat to the mum's who were the chair and treasurer, none of us were proper friends (ie we were friendly but didn't socialise), it was mundane crud like have you ordered the rolls for the bbq, can you co-sign this cheque, here's the newsletter to be photocopied etc and a group of other mum's got a bitchfest on the dreaded Facebook and started saying we were all in a clique and excluding others from the ptfa, funny since exactly zero of these women had ever attended a single open and well advertised meeting. We were simply 3 women with children and jobs who used those 5 mins between arriving at the school and having to leave for out jobs to sort out a few mundanities. This other group took an amazingly different and incorrect view of it.

My eldest is now at high school but I'm back on school runs with the twins' primary school, I honestly don't care if any of these women want to be my friends or not, I don't have time for bitchy little groups who backstab whoever happens not to be there, I will happily chat to whoever is standing about.
Ironically I'm now have a role on this ptfa too (different school as we moved areas) and a lot of time I find myself chatting to to the other ptfa mum's, not because we're a clique but because we're passing those few minutes with mundane stuff again.

Another poster made a comment about someone being a pushy gran because they came to all the school stuff, I do that - I make a concerted effort to attend as much as possible because they are my children, I want to support the school and see my kids work, they are the most important people in the world to me and they spend over 30 hours a week in school so I like being involved!

I'm miffed now because I never get to queue jump at assemblies, in fact I'm always last in and get stuck standing because a member of staff has nabbed me on my way in about something ptfa related.

Sorry didn't mean to blather on so much!

OP it seems like the women you're hanging around with at the school gate aren't interested in as formal and constricted a friendship as you, maybe take up a hobby and meet like minded people or volunteer in the school and meet people that way.
Did I read right that you have one in school and one in nursery? Maybe during the hours you have no children look for a class of some description to join like slimming world (not saying you're fat just that seems to be popular), zumba, art stuff etc.
If you're unsure of where to find these things ask on your local areas selling paged on Facebook, they can be great for information, pick something you're interested in and and a friendship group will naturally flow.

Try to relax about it all, you may have overthought a lot of this.

I have friends. I wouldn't join them at the front of a queue of 60+ people to see the school nativity. My Dd has friends she meets out of school.
The posts here shared these groups dissolve, they are unkind people I hopefully won't see after primary school. I took advice to be breezy, smile, show kids that adults are nice.
I go to work in my spare time, I'm not fat. Hilarious

Oh come on! OP arranged a meet up at a soft play. This usually involves the kids playing and the adults chatting. She was then excluded from her own table. Surely you understand that's rude?

It's possible that the other women didn't know that the OP had arranged the playdate and thought that she had attached herself to the woman who was invited to the playdate. It is still no excuse for the exclusion.

So they're not queue jumping then just joining their mates, i

Unless their friends are at the back of the line, that is queue jumping.

I was taking Dd to soft play with ds and DD's friend. I'd invited the neighbours kid as Dd really likes her and she'd been poorly and not been out in the holidays. Would have taken her without a parent, assumed her mum came as we'd not had her to play before....
Think you might be right Andylion, maybe the others didn't know

Lol I really didn't mean to imply you were fat, just mentioned slimming world as it seems to be a popular gathering place for a lot of not overweight mum's at my twins' school, they all go there in a group after drop off on a Wednesday morning, they invited me once, couldn't decide if it was nice of them to invite me or feel offended that they think I need to go on a diet!