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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dread the school run mum's

73 replies

Playdoughinthecarpet · 30/10/2016 10:00

There is a clique of mum's at DD's school. They queue jump at special assemblies, school plays etc which really annoys me.
My Dd 5 was having a play date at a soft play with her friend and I invited another girl. Her mum brought her along with 3 of the clique and their kids. Seriously weird, invite 1 get 4 free. It was OK for the kids playing but I was slowly pushed off the table I'd been at for an hour by a group of women who made no effort to speak to me.
Hate going to pick up Dd from school. Is this common? Am I going to have to put up with this for entire school life. Have sent Dh to pick Dd up whenever possible, even considered moving schools (just for a minute) advice needed. Dd is friends with half of their kids.

OP posts:
Bloopbleep · 30/10/2016 11:30

Oh I can't stand the school gate cliques. My dd's class is especially bad for it. The ringleader took a dislike to myself & partner due to the way we look so they don't speak to us in the playground but individually they're all nice as pie to us & as long as the ringleader isn't there they'll chat freely. I can't be arsed with stupid childhood games like this. It's really sad as my dd and ringleaders son get on brilliantly. YANBU

DanicaJones · 30/10/2016 11:37

A group becomes a clique when they are unpleasant to people outside it. There is a group of mums in my dd2's year who are good friends but they are always pleasant/friendly to people outside the group so are fine.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 11:38

Mine are 16 and nearly 19, I have a small group of mum friends locally, only one of them has a child in same year as either of mine (eldest) but a girl whereas I have a boy. I have known her since baby coffee mornings and the DC are still in same friendship group. The other members of the group all have a child in same year as her youngest.

According to many Mumsnetters that is a clique.

witsender · 30/10/2016 11:41

I must say I find this whole concept very odd. Surely 'school run/gate mums' as made famous by threads like these are just mums like the rest of us? Why would school gates/runs be a clique, with the participants any different to the rest of us? Of course some people are arses, but it always seems to be women/mums that get this sort of commentary. You never see posts about cliquey dads in other settings.

If it was in a neutral setting such as soft play then making it into a group thing isn't all that odd IMO. If they genuinely then ignored you then that was rude. They would be rude, whether they were mums at the gate or not.

People are people, some are nice and some aren't. Some will have friendship groups and you won't get on with them, and you don't have to...they're just other people who procreated at the same time as you.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 11:43

That's the thing Danica.

It seems some people define 'unpleasant' as not immediately socialising with any other random Mum, who demands to join their friendship group.

These things take time. No-one would walk into a pub and expect groups of strange people to immediately become their friends.

If it's going to happen, it will probably happen over the course of a few months or even years.

If it doesn't, that still doesn't make them unpleasant. No-one is friends with everyone.

I think sometimes standing alone in the playground waiting for pick-up, can make a parent feel ostracized but that doesn't mean other groups are being horrible.

FlemCandango · 30/10/2016 11:48

I have been through a decade of primary school playground drop offs/ pick ups. I have made mistakes, many mistakes,Grin in that time and I am sure I will make many more but it has given me perspective.

  1. I don't stand with anyone, I have my spot I usually head for and i stand there, I can fiddle with my phone if I feel awkward. If someone approaches me I will chat but I don't seek people out.

  2. I consciously stay very civil with my children's friends parents but I avoid become friends with them usually as I am aware that fall outs between the children or the parents could be very difficult to navigate.

  3. I cultivate a confident "take me as you find me" stance/ demeanour in order to not look like billy no mates. I am independent I am here to pick up a child I am not bovvered!

  4. get your friendship circle from shared interests, old friends, hobbies, activities not related to children. That takes the pressure off the school run for providing the basis of your social life. I run a book club and go to gigs, other people go running or cycling. It is good to cultivate your non parental identity.

  5. this time will pass. In another 18m I will be off the school run treadmill.

DanicaJones · 30/10/2016 11:48

I'm sure there are unpleasant school mums just as there are unpleasant people in any walk of life.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 30/10/2016 11:49

I found I could usually find one or two kindred spirits amongst the parents in each child's class to chat to and kept well away from the cliques. However, I did quite enjoy how lost the cliques seemed to be once their children graduated from primary school and it was impossible for them to have any realistic influence in secondary.

Playdoughinthecarpet · 30/10/2016 11:52

I guess a group of women sounds inclusive, to me a clique isn't... Not sure about groups of men Lumpy, the men I know are mostly Lone Wolves!

OP posts:
DanicaJones · 30/10/2016 11:52

Someone posted about a group of mums who were mimicking an Asian woman outside the group's accent and pushing into people on purpose, so vile, weirdo mums do exist!

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 11:54

Good post FlemCandango

Also the time goes so quickly at Primary school that these people will be a really distant memory soon enough.

My youngest is nearly 14 and whenever I go to his senior school parents evenings, I think "Oh blimey. There's so and so's Mum, I'd forgotten all about her".

You do actually forget these people even existed and even if you do recognise their faces, you tend to forget whose parent they are.

witsender · 30/10/2016 11:54

Of course they do. because weird, unpleasant people exist full stop. Not exclusive to, or in greater numbers at the school gate.

It just seems hugely patronising to women, but of course no-one on MN is ever a 'school gate mum'...so who are they?

FlemCandango · 30/10/2016 11:55

I should add I have a couple of very good friends cultivated through school run contact, they have developed over a period of years not rushed and not forced. I trust them they trust me and we spend plenty of nin school run time together. But I also kissed a lot of frogs.... You need to take the pressure off, yourself and other people. If all you have in common is lady parts and children that are in same class/ friends that isn't the start of a beautiful friendship but it could be a friendly acquaintance.

ElsieMc · 30/10/2016 11:56

I am a grandparent carer so have done this all before. I speak to those who speak to me, but have no time for the silly women who exclude others to make themselves feel important. Once one clique falls apart (and they do) another one takes its place, such is life.

I don't generally bother until it affects the children and when it began to, I moved my youngest gs. One clique of parents had taken over after school clubs and certain children were being left out of everything with preference for their mates' children - nothing to do with ability. There were other serious issues in the school, but as these parents were on the governors, it was clear it was easier to move rather than challenge.

I would not consider myself over-sensitive op, but it really depends on how much you can take. The main issue is does it affect your dd?

There were a group of 3/4 mums in my eldest ds's year and they were the rudest, most ignorant people I have ever met. Two would speak to you if they were alone, but in the group, forget it. I thought of them as the witches of eastwick.

I understand what you say about assemblies, plays, etc. The front few rows always had coats on them no matter how early you would arrive. Once I attended a praise assembly, sat down and the queen bee mum arrived and saw her friends sat by me, walked up to me and stared at me indicating I should move. No chance. She stormed off to sit alone.

His new school is so, so much nicer. I just drop off and do not go into the playground and he is older now. Staff are kind and do their best, big mix of kids backgrounds, some problems, but nowhere is perfect. The main thing is that he has grown in confidence and is so much happier.

georgethecat · 30/10/2016 11:56

A clique can be in the eye of the beholder.

Also think of the school run mum's as colleagues, keep an emotional distance. You won't be best mates with all at work, it's the same here.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 11:59

I guess a group of women sounds inclusive, to me a clique isn't...

And that's what I'm trying to get across. I think it's how you and other MNetters perceive these groups of friends.

They're perfectly entitled to stand and chat to each other without feeling obliged to talk to every single parent in the playground.

Over time you might become friends with them, or you might naturally become friends with someone else.

Either way, to put this into perspective, this is your child's school, therefore it's really more about them than parental friendships.

DanicaJones · 30/10/2016 12:02

People start threads about people who annoy them at work, family, friends, neighbours, in shops, parks, soft play, parking etc etc, it's no different from that.

witsender · 30/10/2016 12:21

Well it is really, because it is somewhat of a phenomenon on here. Have a search for school gate mums, school run mums, playground mums etc. Apparently the very same women that we have probably worked with or come across in other settings for years suddenly become bitchy cliques when you put them in a school setting, but no-one ever admits to being one.

You don't turn the behaviour of a rude man in the street into "pavement men", or the woman in the supermarket into "supermarket women" do you? Or maybe you do, but extrapolating ybe behaviour of a few individuals into the general behaviour of an entire gender seems a little odd to me.

It smacks of that whole "I'm not like other girls" trope.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 30/10/2016 12:22

The table at soft play getting crowded is one thing. Ignoring the person on the same table who organised the play date is something entirely different, and is cliquish and exclusionary behaviour.

Badders123 · 30/10/2016 12:22

In a few years you will see all this drama is been pointless and silly.
The kids will go off to secondary and all the cliquey nonsense stops :)
Can't wait til Ds2 leaves!
I live in a village and if your face doesn't fit or your name isn't right that's it.
I've tried to volunteer for several things (community library etc) but I never hear back.

LunaLoveg00d · 30/10/2016 12:22

People start threads about people who annoy them at work, family, friends, neighbours, in shops, parks, soft play, parking etc etc, it's no different from that

Yes but there is this perception among some women that school is supposed to be this happy clappy place where all of the other Mums should be falling over themselves to be your best friend and chat to everyone.

You wouldn't walk into a new job and expect everyone to rush straight over and chat to you. You wouldn't brand a group of friends on a train as a "clique" because they're chatting to each other and not speaking to the woman close to them. School gates are just the same. Some mums might know each other already and some will have friends. Of course you are going to graduate towards people you know and chat to them. That doesn't mean you're consciously excluding anyone.

I always think people who perceive "cliques" everywhere probably have bigger issues going on and are insecure or socially awkward and can't handle standing on their own for whatever reason.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 30/10/2016 12:27

I don't see how talking about a clique of school run mums amounts to demonising an entire gender?

I also don't think it's true to say that you never hear about men behaving like this. I've certainly come across groups of city and/or Hooray Henry types who make it very clear that outsiders aren't wanted.

HaveNoSocks · 30/10/2016 12:27

It seems some people define 'unpleasant' as not immediately socialising with any other random Mum, who demands to join their friendship group.

I disagree, no one expects everyone to be best friends because their kids are in the same class. It's fine to arrange social stuff just with the other mums you happen to get along with.

However if your kids are in the same class you're going to be forced to see each other at school and other social events. It's very rude and unkind to exclude people at these kind of things. OP shouldn't have been pushed off her own table at the soft play. If those other mums wanted to come they should have been prepared to chat to OP too because she was the one who arranged the play date in the first place and it's just polite to include people if you're all at the same social event!

DanicaJones · 30/10/2016 12:29

Most of people i see on the school run are fine and I've made some nice friends, so i don't tend to refer to school run mums as a group negatively. There's a dad and a couple of mums I'm very glad I've never had to work with or go to school with anyone like them. Thankfully their kids seem ok. Youngest in year 5 so not long to go for me!

NellysKnickers · 30/10/2016 12:33

Ds1 moved to a school in yr 2 so all the mums had their groups of friends, as did the dcs, it was a tough year for both of us but luckily in yr3 they jiggled the classes around, much to the annoyance of some of the mums so this changed the dynamics a bit. With ds2 I've known the mums since preschool so always have someone else I know to chat to but it's usually someone different each day, I work so am not there every day. With hindsight I really believe that those mums who I thought were cliquey were actually just wrapped up in their own lives, chatting to mates and would feel awful to think that someone felt so left out. It is honestly just for a few minutes each day, just be polite and move on with your day. Once they get to high school you don't every have to socialise it has other parents.....it's fabulous Grin