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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, me or SIL?

140 replies

Kokosjumping · 29/10/2016 18:23

We have baby DS, SIL & BIL have 4 year old DD. Boxing Day is to be spent with PIL this year.

SIL is insisting we go out for the day (walking round town sale shopping etc and lunch) because PIL have a dog and she doesn't trust it around DD. I would much much rather we stayed at PILs as DS will not nap in the buggy and he will be a screaming nightmare all day if he doesn't get a decent nap. Would be happy to host at ours but we only have a 1 bed flat. SIL & BIL don't want to host. PIL happy to host.

Dog is big and lolloping but harmless and mostly just sleeps in the corner.

Who is BU? Me or her?

SIL has never been to PILs house since DD was born because of said dog except for once when dog went to neighbours.

OP posts:
PaulDacresConscience · 30/10/2016 09:45

The dog will be shut away in a separate room, so what is the issue? She'e behaving like a petulant teenager and quite frankly her unwillingness to compromise is ridiculous and selfish. Presumably you'll be eating at the house - what is she proposing to do, eat in the garden?

Clearly YANBU, but someone needs to tell her that the world does not revolve around her and what she wants. She is going to carry on being a precious nightmare and if you don't tell her then it will never change.

ChuckGravestones · 30/10/2016 09:46

I HAVE told her it isn't suitable but she's insisting she won't let DD be around the dog so one of us has to give in and it's usually us!!

Well, make this the first time you don't give in. Who is she saying all this to? Just refer her back to the fact that your PIL have invited you round for the day and that is what you will be doing. Tell her is she wants to shop crack on.

Original poster
Kokosjumping · 30/10/2016 09:48

She's been texting me, and PIL have been on the phone. They don't like upsetting anyone and she's a lot stroppier than I am BUT they don't want to go shopping at all

I have just got DH to phone his brother and say we cannot go out all day so let's see what happens

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 30/10/2016 09:53

It's really down to your PIL to say something to SIL. They just need to say 'We have invited you to come to ours for a Boxing day meal and would love you to come. If you don't feel able to spend the day at our house, perhaps we can meet up another time. We don't want to change our plans for Boxing day.'

Boolovessulley · 30/10/2016 09:56

Why on earth do you have to go shopping?

Both of you can visit and your bil and sil can go shopping ( my idea of hell on Boxing Day).

Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 10:00

Have your PIL agreed to the SIL plan are they going to traipse around sales?
They have invited you for presumably a nice day and food walk etc either graciously Accept and enjoy day with them.... Or accompany your Sil around the sales instead....

Parker231 · 30/10/2016 10:02

I like shopping but can't imagine anything worse than shopping on Boxing Day with children and DH's!

Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 10:03

Personally I know what I'd pick.
Presumably your PIL won't expect Sil due to her never visiting regarding dog....I'd say there's more to that but nothing to do with you.
Enjoy YOUR day the way you and your immediate family would like. If she decides not to come then no problem is there?

myyoyo · 30/10/2016 10:09

SIL sounds like a pain in the arse.

RiverTam · 30/10/2016 10:13

Good stuff. If she doesn't want to be in the house and keep her DD away from the family to avoid a dog that will be kept in the kitchen that's up to her. But she doesn't get to tell everyone else what to do, especially hosting PILs (how old are they, out of interest).

Is she daughter of PILS, your DH's sister? Or married to his brother?

ChuckGravestones · 30/10/2016 10:16

They don't like upsetting anyone

So instead of upsetting anyone, they are upsetting everyone else?

Y'all need to grow some.

happypoobum · 30/10/2016 10:18

I think you have to be very wary here of overstepping the mark with regards to PILS.

If I had invited my adult DC for Boxing day for lunch, and then one of the ILS kicked off and wanted to go shopping instead, I would be absolutely bloody furious if they decided between them what would be happening.

PILS are hosts. They get to decide what happens, not you or SIL.

As PP have said, you really need to step back from this and stop engaging.

Vanillaradio · 30/10/2016 10:26

Why do you have to be the one to always give in? Pil need to tell sil that they won't be going out so they come to the house for lunch or not at all. If you don't get to spend the day together that is sil''s fault not yours .

Lunde · 30/10/2016 10:26

I think you should go to PIL as planned so that PIL can see GC - then if SIL is still being stroppy arrange to meet SIL's family for an afternoon walk in park or forest and perhaps tea in cafe

I would NOT take a baby to the crazyness of th Boxing Day sales to be bumped and barged by manic shoppers

My2centsworth · 30/10/2016 10:34

I am kind of willing to give your sil the benefit of the doubt on the dog since this is not something she has just come up with for this shopping trip Boxing Day, she has maintained this stance for 4 years. She obviously like dogs since she has one and there is every possibility you have not been party to benign neglectful behaviour re PIL and the dog. She visited once and whatever happened made her swear never to have her did and the dog in one house. It happens all the time that people do not see how dangerous their dog is capable of being around children.

However no way in hell would I see a Boxing Day of shopping as a possible option. It is a completely rediculous suggestion.

My2centsworth · 30/10/2016 10:35

*did = dd

Redken24 · 30/10/2016 10:36

Its your christmas as well - say no (unless you really want to be traipsing round shops)

DontStopMovinToTheSClubBeat · 30/10/2016 10:49

If BIL and SILs reason for not hosting is they don't like cooking, but your house is too small and they don't think PILs house is suitable, can't you suggest you'll all go to theirs and you or PIL will cook there or do a 'bring and share?

diddl · 30/10/2016 13:35

SIL doesn't want to be around the dog.

So that then means taht everyone has to out for the day??

Is there no other room that the dog could go in, or you know people go to hers!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2016 14:03

Has she explained why she doesn't want to be around the dog?

I could understand if she could tell you of an incident. A Great Dane/lab mix is generally far less aggressive than a jack Russell. And as a parent of child, who will be increasingly mobile, I'd like a heads up if they're dangerous to small children. I said about dd being bitten upthread. It happened a lightning speed and with the owner supposedly controlling it. If there was no incident, she is using the dog as an excuse to fuel her agenda. I see she's a feisty dil so married into the family and more difficult to approach therefore.

The former, give her some slack. The latter, she needs to grow up and you all need to stop walking on eggshells for this woman. Hardly ever see any of my family myself because they are changeable and argumentative and I take the brunt being the scapegoat. If she's going to be like this, you all need to stop giving her oxygen and get on with what you want to do with or without her. Because odds on whatever you agree with her, if she's anything like my sil, she won't actually follow through anyway. Case in point right now, where she's already changing the agenda 2 months before you're due to meet up.

Once you've found out if there has been any incident, I agree also with pps that you need stop talking to her to tell her to talk to pils. I would cut her out of the loop and discuss this only with pils. She either has a big concern or is a big drama queen.

alltouchedout · 30/10/2016 14:09

She's entitled not to spend time with a dog. You're entitled not to spend Boxing Day schlepping miserably around the shops with an unhappy baby. Honest to goodness someone just has to say to her "you are the only person who wants to go out shopping. Do so if you wish- no one will mind at all- but none of us will be going". And stick to it.

midcenturymodern · 30/10/2016 14:13

I don't understand what you mean by 'insists'

And I don't understand why you can't just tell PIL that you are happy to come to their's for lunch but if they want to go shopping then you will see them on a different day

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2016 15:00

If the dog truly is just a big lug that sleeps and eats, could thethe dog be a red herring? Is there another reason SiL doesn't want to have an afternoon at the iLs?

I'm NOT saying there's anything wrong with the iLs or the OP and her family. SiL could be jealous of the family's closeness, it could be an old imagined slight, maybe she doesn't like MiL's cooking or the iLs are smokers. Or she could just be controlling and if it weren't the dog it would be something else.

CockacidalManiac · 30/10/2016 15:07

Y'all need to grow some.

Indeed they do

YouTheCat · 30/10/2016 15:11

If everyone but the sil are happy to spend the day at the pil's then the solution is to tell sil she can do as she pleases. You might see her at pil's if she turns up.

I don't like dogs much but I'd much rather spend a day in a dog's company than trailing round shops on Boxing Day.