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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, me or SIL?

140 replies

Kokosjumping · 29/10/2016 18:23

We have baby DS, SIL & BIL have 4 year old DD. Boxing Day is to be spent with PIL this year.

SIL is insisting we go out for the day (walking round town sale shopping etc and lunch) because PIL have a dog and she doesn't trust it around DD. I would much much rather we stayed at PILs as DS will not nap in the buggy and he will be a screaming nightmare all day if he doesn't get a decent nap. Would be happy to host at ours but we only have a 1 bed flat. SIL & BIL don't want to host. PIL happy to host.

Dog is big and lolloping but harmless and mostly just sleeps in the corner.

Who is BU? Me or her?

SIL has never been to PILs house since DD was born because of said dog except for once when dog went to neighbours.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/10/2016 23:13

GrinNaze

NataliaOsipova · 29/10/2016 23:16

I can't stand dogs. I will state that plainly. That said, if she raised the issue and it is agreed that the dog will be kept in another room, then I think SIL is being unreasonable. Sounds like she just fancies a shopping trip and is manufacturing reasons to go.....

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 06:29

SIL said if we don't go out they won't be coming, so that's that.

Yes. So you go and spend the day with your Pil and sil doesn't come. It's really easy.

Why can't you go visit and just spend the day with pil? If I were you I wouldn't be going at all.

My brothers wife is like your sil. If she wants to change plans and wants to do something everyone else doesn't want to do, she gets told ' ok you do that, we are sticking with doing this'.

Yes it means that we sometimes don't spend time together. But the entire family will not revolve around one person. We go with the majority. Those that don't want to go along with it are more than welcome to.

Original poster
Kokosjumping · 30/10/2016 06:38

Obviously I am an adult Hmm

It's hard to be the only one making a stand though. No one likes to say anything to each other in DH's family, they're nothing like mine.

I will fully admit I don't get the dog issue, I think she is being precious. The world is full of dogs and this one just sleeps at eats.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2016 06:41

Sounds just like the sort of stunt my sil and brother pull. The worst one was the complete opposite to yours in that they refused to come and visit us an hours drive away without bringing their dog. This is the dog, which had bitten our dd at 15 months old in an unprovoked attack. She still has a puncture scar just above one eye. We were bvvvu apparently. You do have a choice to accept this or not. Or maybe you could see them with the pil in town for a while and see the pil another day as well. Or perhaps stay the night with pils. It is nice for the cousins to see eachother. But it can't be at any cost.

Does she have any reason to be concerned about the dog? Have you asked her why she's like this with the dog? Has it been aggressive? What breed is it?

itlypocerka · 30/10/2016 06:46

Boxing day shopping is hell. Put your foot down on refusing that one. No one gets to enjoy spending time with relatives they rarely see if the time is spent in a crowded shopping centre. Terrible idea.

Can you all get together for a nice pub lunch near PIL's to which the dog isn't invited?

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 06:47

But you do have a choice. You say to pil 'I don't want to spend boxing day walking round the shops. We would like to spend the day with you, but if you really want to go shopping we will stay at home and visit another day/come later when you have finished shopping'

The one stopping everyone spending the day is together is sil and her unreasonable demands. You want to visit pil at their house. She doesn't. So to spend the day together someone has to do something they don't want. Dragging kids shopping on boxing day isn't fun so just don't go.

KoalaDownUnder · 30/10/2016 06:48

I can't stand dogs. I will state that plainly.

That's fine, but it's pretty irrelevant to the situation, as OP's SIL has her own dog!

She is being batshit and unreasonable. You can't all go traipsing around the shops and just 'pop back' to your PIL's for lunch - how rude!! Shock

Just go, stay at your PIL, have lunch there. If your SIL wants to drag her family around the shops and not see anyone, let her.

NapQueen · 30/10/2016 06:49

I wouldn't spend the day shopping regardless.

Just arrange to be there for the meal. Whether it's out or in. Then do your own thing around that.

Dozer · 30/10/2016 06:58

SIL is BU. Is she your PIL's daughter, or a DiL? If the latter then BIL is U too!

As PPs have said I would refuse to go out all day and would suggest visiting on different days.

Pipsqueak11 · 30/10/2016 07:14

Isn't this,a, choice between upsetting unreasonable and silly sil or pils who are making a kind gesture to host ? Why would you fall in with sil plans and her daft demands? Boxing day shopping - hellish anyway .good luck sorting it though

SabineUndine · 30/10/2016 07:18

I suspect SIL wants to spend the day shopping and this is just a way of manipulating the situation to get what she wants.

MorrisZapp · 30/10/2016 07:36

Sorry but after four pages I can't understand what the problem is.

You and your pils want to spend boxing day at theirs. Sil doesn't. That's her choice, you can all stick to original plans.

What does your dh think? Is he happy to take his baby round the shops to appease his sister at the expense of what his parents want?

WiltingTulip · 30/10/2016 07:42

Genuine question: how would 3 generations, male and female actually socialise with each other shopping on the busiest day of the year?

Would you all as a group push through crowds to go look at her trying on shoes, then all go look at electronics etc? Is that enjoyable? Or would you all split up anyway??

Genuinely baffled.

NataliaOsipova · 30/10/2016 07:52

Koala re the dogs! I was just saying that I would have sympathy for someone who basically didn't want to be in a doggy environment with small kids all day. I'd find that unpleasant and would be glad of an excuse to go out. But if it's agreed that the dog is in another room, then I think she's unreasonable.

happypoobum · 30/10/2016 08:05

I'm with Morris I don't understand what the problem is either. OP can you explain properly?
As I understand it, PILs have invited you and also SIL/BIL for Boxing Day lunch. You will just be spending a day there. SIL has contacted someone - you? PIL? DH? to say she doesn't want to do that she wants to all spend the day shopping. You don't want to spend Boxing Day shopping (because you are sane.) Is all this correct? Can you clarify how the message is coming back that SIL doesn't want to stick to the original plan as that is fairly crucial IMO.

If SIL is telling PILS that she wants to do something else, then it is PILS responsibility, not yours, to tell her yes or no. If they agree, then you have to tell PILS you will visit another day. If she is telling you, then you just say no, we won't want to do that.

Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 08:21

I'm not really getting this either.
Very odd

Original poster
Kokosjumping · 30/10/2016 09:21

Ok maybe I haven't explained very well. This is the situation.

PIL invited us all (DH, DS & me, and bil & SIL and their DD) to spend Boxing Day with them. We all agreed on the assumption that we would all be sitting at PIL's for the day, having lunch and maybe a walk. Both DH and I and bil and SIL live approximately 1.5 hrs drive away.

We cannot host as our flat is too small.

SIL & BIL don't want to host.

However SIL is refusing to come to the house because the dog is there. So her solution is to be out all day (altogether) to avoid the house. I don't want to do this as DS will not nap in his buggy and will scream all day if he doesn't get a decent nap.

That is the situation. Any clearer?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kokosjumping · 30/10/2016 09:24

The dog isn't remotely aggressive though I do appreciate you don't always know. It's really big (a mix of Great Dane and Labrador I believe) so I think that is where the issue is. SIL & BIL have a jack Russell (which has always seemed pretty bitey and yappy to me but there you go.).

OP posts:
iwanttobemissmarple · 30/10/2016 09:33

It's very simple. You go to PIL for the day. SIL spends the day shopping or whatever. You then meet up later when you go for a walk. Do not give into her, she shouldn't be dictating to all of you what to do.

MrsKCastle · 30/10/2016 09:35

OP, the situation is clear. What isn't clear (to me, anyway) is why your PILs, you and your DH are all allowing SIL to dictate. When she raised the idea of going shopping, why didn't you just say no, that isn't suitable because we wouldn't get to spend time together? Why didn't PILs say if they would prefer not to go shopping on Boxing day? Surely you can find another solution that gets you out of the house, or in fact say to SIL that there's no point you all coming to meet up on the same day to go shopping. You might as well go on different days, you cannot actually catch up while out shopping on Boxing day.

ChuckGravestones · 30/10/2016 09:42

I don't want to do this as DS will not nap in his buggy and will scream all day if he doesn't get a decent nap.

It is crystal clear. You say no, I'm not going shopping. I'm coming to PILs to see PIL not to to go shopping.

Original poster
Kokosjumping · 30/10/2016 09:44

I HAVE told her it isn't suitable but she's insisting she won't let DD be around the dog so one of us has to give in and it's usually us!!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 30/10/2016 09:44

So SIL isn't coming, she has declined PILS invitation?

What's the problem?

Did you only want to go if SIL/BIL were going and now you want to get out of it? I am still a mit confused as to why you are so involved in this - PILS have invited SIL and she has said she isn't coming. You really don't have to do or say anything, just go and have a good time.

headinhands · 30/10/2016 09:45

OP just reiterate that your ds won't sleep if you're out shopping. Leave it at that. Not your circus. Step away from the drama.

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