AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

[palomapaloma]

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

Expat, one glass with the toasts, at say 3pm, with a full three course meal, where you stay at the evening reception until say 9pm, would not put you over the limit anywhere.

Obviously don't neck it ten minutes before you leave the wedding on an empty stomach

Cross post with Francis

I have to be honest I wouldn't go if my husband wasn't invited out of principal, if this was reserve I would be upset

It will be for numbers as Cousins are strange. It's a branch of family that gets big very fast. On my mums side I have only 2 cousins but on my dads side it runs into double figures. If you add their partners and kids as well the numbers are ridiculous. DH has only 5 cousins in total and when we got married most were single and childless now however there are 5 partners/spouses and 8 kids.

If her partner has many cousins it is likely that they just invited the cousins themselves as adding partners and kids would be too expensive.

I actually went to my (mums side) cousins wedding last week but I have only 1 sibling with no kids but we were 7 between us. It would only take my brother having 3 kids as well for 2 cousins to end up as 10 people.

Maybe she doesn't want just one glass of fizz. Hardly makes someone an alcoholic. Except on MN.

We didn't invite couSins at all as my h has loads

Married couples are social units, and must either both be invited it none invited

I didn't know I wasn't allowed to go out without himself? Should we get actual shackles or ust stand really close together.

No it doesn't expat. But equally if the event is that distance away to prevent her being able to have more to drink then she needs to make an adult decision as to whether to go or not.

I have to admit I am surprised how many people on here wouldn't go to an event with the own parents just because their husband wasn't going? Do people really avoid family events if they can't bring everyone? DP has been to a few events without me - he has a huge family - some just me, some his DC, some my DC, some all DC. We see what the invite says and go from there. It's not like you're going to a wedding where you know only one other person. You're with your parents and siblings?

Btw on DHs side we have been to one evening do and none of the other weddings at all. Doesn't bother me at all. If he had been invited on his own I would have sent him off.

I have to be honest I wouldn't go if my husband wasn't invited out of principal, if this was reserve I would be upset

on what principle?

Why do you think there is some sacred principle that says he must be invited, and that you have the moral highground by sticking to this principle and refusing to go?

If you don't want to go, or can't work the childcare, or the driving, or whatever, fine. But just refusing to go on principle? Or because you'd be upset if you were not invited in a similar situation? That's just petty, like you're trying to blackmail them into realising that they've done wrong by not inviting everyone and make a big point about it. Cutting off your nose to spite your face - if it's a wedding you'd have liked to go to, something you'd have enjoyed, wanted to support the relative, wanted to spend time with your parents/siblings, but you refuse to go out of principle? Churlish.

Yes, you might be disappointed or even upset that you don't get to go to something, if the situation were reversed. That's life. Sometimes upsetting, disappointing, not to our liking. And it's fine to feel upset or disappointed. But the rest of the world isn't rude for causing that, nor do they need to change their ways of doing to match what you want. You just have to learn to live with it and not take it personally.

Go, or don't go, based on whether you want to attend, whether you'd enjoy it, and whether you can arrange things. Not based on some unstated principle that says 'my interpretation of manners are the only right ones'.

This is what I don't get! For a wedding - a once (hopefuly) in a lifetime experience people are saying it's a guest who decide who is invited and what goes on. But for birthdays there is uproar if someone brings along an extra sibling!!

I think it is so rude to ask whether people not mentioned on the invite are invited. It makes it awkward for the bride. I think that you are BU for texting her.
She probably just wants people she loves there. If she doesn't know your husband well why would she pay for his day?
Go and have fun or don't go.
Her day. Her rules.

No, it doesn't make anyone an alcoholic to want to have a few drinks at a wedding or a party, but equally, it shouldn't mean you are unable to go because it might be your turn to drive home from that function.
It's the posters that say they couldn't enjoy themselves without alcohol that are saying they have a problem.
OP hasn't yet told us if the parents or siblings would be traveling from same place - it may well be one of those might be happy to drive.
Or how old the dc are - a slightly older child (ie not in a cot) could surely come and wake a parent if need be. Or, as others have asked if there might be someone who could sleep over if he takes so much medication he really couldn't be woken. Or could they all go and sleep elsewhere where there is another adult if need be. Or how much a pre-booked taxi would cost between the parents and siblings. Or if there is a train that might be a possibility if they didn't leave too late.

We just don't know.
If the OP wants to go, there are lots of suggestions on this thread.
If she doesn't want to go, then she can reply 'no thanks' without needing to find a list of reasons.

I don't think it's weird. Go or don't go. That's your decision. Who your cousin invites is hers. It's not rude. I'm a bit taken aback that you say:

The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink (not gonna happen!)

If your husband has a syndrome that makes him unsafe to look after your DC overnight, what happens when you drink on other occasions? With a few drinks inside you most people also sleep very heavily, so you'd both be out of it. I'd assume you wouldn't be able to drink at all on any occasion, but you clearly do.

Crochet: "I don't think people should judge something as 'rude' just because it's not how they (or their circle of friends) would see weddings or other social occasions. People do things differently, and there isn't one absolute set of manners that everyone adheres to - clearly people do things differently in different families, circles, etc. So just because you wouldn't do it at your wedding doesn't mean it's wrong for someone else to."

That's definitely true, that people have different ways of doing things - but then, if that's the case, why isn't OP's way of doing things as valid as anyone else's? It doesn't make it wrong as such, but it also doesn't make it right.

What if someone was being deliberately rude? Can there never be a situation whereby someone is actually being rude re invites, etc? Playing favourites, for example. (Thinking philosophically about this rather than making dig/point). I like your attitude that you don't have to choose to take it personally, I think it does make life easier and I would like to adopt that myself more - but sometimes you can't deny that someone has been rude when it comes to communications, invites etc under the umbrella of different people have different ways of doing things.

I think for something like a wedding you should generally invite the couple as long as they are long standing. There's exceptions where I think singles can be ok if it's as part of a particular group e.g. workmates who all get solo evening invitations, but downright weird for a cousin where you know the partner.

It's not a girls night or an invitation to go for drinks.

70 miles is bugger all. You can go OP. You're choosing not to because you wont go without drinking You've added your own limitation. Baffles me to be honest, if you'd be that sad to miss it.

Anyway, on the invite debate; i'm in the ''Invite the whole couple 'cos it's a bit rude not to'' camp.

But the OP is part of a particular group. Her birth family. The people the cousin is related to, and wants at the wedding. They have an invite for all five of them. It's not an invite to a girls night, it's an invite for a family wedding, where the bride hasinvited the family unit of aunt, uncle, cousins.

Don't really appreciate being accused of alcoholism!! I've never once been 'out of it' while in care of my children. The reason I've said I'd like a drink is because my social life is pretty much non existent and I have been looking forward to this wedding all year, I wouldn't have a nice time drinking a Diet Coke worrying about the mission home in the dark. I have spoken to the bride on many occasions about certain plans she has been making and not once did she consider letting me know that it was only me that was getting an invite. I think it's a bit much to plan a wedding 2 weeks after Xmas , ask for cash presents only then have it 70 miles away in the middle of nowhere and not invite my husband. Have had fun reading all the replies though so thank you oh and I'm more than happy to have a day/ night away from hubby we spend way too much time together! My kids are 2 and 4 and I have been to many events while pregnant or breastfeeding and not had a drink and still had a nice time.

Then in all honesty OP, what's the problem with this particular invite? Youre happy to go places without DH and the DC, and to not drink to have a good time, you know your own parents and siblings, so go. Or don't.

I think it's unusual for a family wedding not to include kids and partners especially if you're close If she knows your DH well then it's particularly odd. On the other hand maybe she just can't afford it, personally I'd just go, your DH can stay home and have a special day with the kids.

*I think it's a bit much to plan a wedding 2 weeks after Xmas , ask for cash presents only then have it 70 miles away in the middle of nowhere and not invite my husband.

See i agree on the invite husband front. Even without the medical issue!

But - when you say 70 miles away, is this 70 miles away from literally everyone going to the wedding? Or just you? Either way to be honest you can't plan a wedding around being near your guests. Especially ones which drive.

I think it sounds as if you have set too much store on this outing OP. I sympathise mind you. My social life is shite too

and not once did she consider letting me know that it was only me that was getting an invite

Because it isn't only you. The invite was, as you say, for your family: your parents and all your siblings. How is that an invite just for you?

I think that's the problem Op - it's like you've been misled & that's not nice. From what you've said, she could easily have had a conversation with you & explained why he wouldn't have been invited, rather than you finding out via the formal invitation - that's shit when it's a family member who is also a friend.