Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

[Saggingninja]

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

But isn't Southampton full of salty old sea dogs that might whip your daughter away to a sinful life on the high seas?

It means you're in touch with your inner teen MissHoolie! Can only be a good thing

That's Portsmouth squoosh!

That's definitely Portsmouth!

I would have been annoyed that i wasn't told tbh and at 12 years old I wouldn't have let my son go to a large town with a mate. Maybe 14 years old I would have felt better but would have still needed to be told where my son is, it's just good parenting. But we are all different and maybe the mum should have set ground rules with u before letting her daughter out. I'm not sure it's a massive deal but the parent has the last say😃

At 14 I was going into London with a friend...

packs rucksack and heads to Portsmouth

I used to get a train from York to Shropshire alone at the start and end of every half term at that age. I boarded and mum collected only at start and end of terms. I changed at Manchester and Crewe stations. Walked both ends through the cities in question, school to home.

Walked to primary school in London via a main road from 8, too. Was only 3 streets but had to cross the main road via a beacon stand - no lights.

I do think we coddle our kids. In other European countries they walk to school alone from 5. I think that's too far the other way, but there needs to be a happy medium. By 14 they are 4 short years away from leaving home for college, and when I went the odd obscenely over protected kid was invariably the one who went off the rails. They had never learned any basic street wisdom - drank too much, had no sense about where to go and with whom late at night, were naive to the point it was dangerous and usually couldn't cook or wash their own clothes, either.

Good parenting is incremental stages of independence, so they can manage without you. Cotton wool surrounding 14 year olds, if they are not in any way disabled, is letting them down.

My kids do this sort of thing all the time. I think it's fine from the sound of it. They also get the train 30 minutes to school and see their friends at the cinema and at cafes. No big deal if other children and parents are around.

14?? FGS, the other girl's mother is ludicrously over-protective.

My dd was younger than that when she and another girl from school went on a day trip to Calais on their own - train from London to Dover and foot passengers on the ferry.
OK, that was perhaps extreme, and the other mother and I did agonise and dither before agreeing to let them go, but they were fine and thoroughly enjoyed their adventure.
How are kids ever to learn how to cope with anything if they're still swathed in cotton wool at 14?

I'm moving soon - from outside Belfast back home to a few miles outside Glasgow - and I am hoping and praying that my daughter (13) makes lots of friends and starts going up to town with them - because that's what I did when I was her age. Seriously, she needs to remember that her wee girl is growing up and needs to be given some freedom and responsibility for herself

You are not grossly irresponsible, but irresponsible in that you made a decision for someone else's child when that child's mother thought she would be in your permanent care. It's ok to make these kinds of decisions for your own child but not for someone else's child. Would it really have hurt to make a quick phone call to run it by her? After all, she might be the kind of parent who, like your parents, is not comfortable with letting their kids go it alone.
(((Hugs)))

YABU. You should have checked first although I think 14 is fine to travel into a city with a friend. YABU for allowing your 12 year old into Manchester though. Too young.

The things i got up to at 14! If 'Polly's' mum trusted you to look after her daughter, I think it's a bit unfair that she then questioned why you let her daughter go into town. She either trusted you to take care of her or not. Either way, she should have set the boundaries. Lesson learnt for all, I suppose.

I would't think of checking at that age if she was allowed, I would take it for granted that a 14 year old can get a train into town.
My own dm was very over protective, I was the last to do everything, but even I was bussing into town in secondary school.

I wouldn't have given it a moment's thought. 12 yo is quite old enough to go into town, let alone a 14 yo. Ridiculously over-protective. They were never in any danger at any time.

The people who say that 12, or even 14 is too young, what do you think might happen to them?

I don't think you have done anything wrong. Polly should have told or asked her mother tbf I mean she would of known if she was or wasn't allowed. I don't think you are responsible at all seems to me she is being extra over protective.polly obviously knows what her moms like its not your fault. It anything its pollys fault! And her mom is out of order to ring you up and say these things she needs to get a grip.

My DS 14 and his mates go off for the whole day all over london (literally to places 2 hours away and without any of us knowing where they've gone) - they just do it!

Polly's mum will be rolling her up in cotton wool and going with her when she goes to uni!

So, unless this friend has some kind of condition/past why this wouldn't be ok... I don't get it. The kid is 14!!!!

Could you have asked Polly's mother? Sure... but, grossly irresponsible?!

Nope.

Going into Manchester is always refers to as going into town. Always has been. It's normal round us for teenagers to go get themselves to school, often by bus, tram trains etc and go into town for a mooch about.
Manchester is perfectly safe for two girls to have a quick wander round the shops, drink and home. I guess I'm assuming they had both been there before and knew how to get there and back..

This reminds me of the time I went for a sleepover a freinds house and freinds Mum wanted to go out so sent us of to her freinds for the night. The next day the mum's freind took us to work and left us alone to run her market stall for the day while she went off and got pissed. My mum saw is while out shopping and when batshit.

Fair enough as we were 7 (the 80s huh )

At 14 is had a Saturday job on the same market and spend the rest of the weekend in town with my freinds.

I would expect at 14 year old to spend an afternoon in town. If not allowed i would expect the other parent to ensure their child knows boundaries and the consequences of not sticking to them. I certainly wouldn't be pandering to it. If they don't like it they're welcome to simply not visit.