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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to keep my "new life" private and secret?

143 replies

FionaGatwick · 27/10/2016 10:35

I moved to another country almost three years ago, and have so far managed to keep what I've been doing to myself and a few friends from my "past" life.

One of my friends from my past life (not among the few mentioned above) is coming over for a work thing and asking to meet up.

I am very busy because it's exam season (I went back to school) and while I have agreed to a dinner, it seems she wants me to take her around, which I cannot do.

What do I tell her?

OP posts:
Chottie · 27/10/2016 10:38

Just tell her truth, you are very busy and unable to get any time off. Give her a guidebook and some recommendations and she can go round herself.

user1477282676 · 27/10/2016 10:39

By "take her around" do you mean she wants you to show her the sights?

Not sure what that's got to do with you wanting to keep your new life secret

Confused
squoosh · 27/10/2016 10:39

What exactly is it you have going on that needs to stay secret?

ImperialBlether · 27/10/2016 10:41

So you went to live abroad and you want to keep your life there private from the people you left behind? And someone is coming over who you don't want to meet? Are you worried she'll tell all the others you left behind what you're doing now? Take photos etc? If that's the case you don't have to meet her. Tell her you'll be at a meeting away from home. Or just say you can't make it. How is she in touch with you if you've cut yourself off?

NightNightBadger19962 · 27/10/2016 10:43

Cancel, it sounds like you want to break ties.

MorrisZapp · 27/10/2016 10:43

Tell her you're too busy.

ItsJustNotRight · 27/10/2016 10:44

I'd arrange to be away for work during the period she is visiting.

Lorelei76 · 27/10/2016 10:47

good grief OP what is the dilemma? Tell her you are too busy with work.

Lorelei76 · 27/10/2016 10:48

or even tell her you don't want to!

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 27/10/2016 11:01

Why 'private' and 'secret'?! I'm intrigued. Are you a spy, OP?

RebeccaCloud9 · 27/10/2016 11:04

Intrigued... Have you 'gone back to school' in the sense of 21 jump street or never been kissed?!

Original poster
FionaGatwick · 27/10/2016 11:09

No, just I prefer to keep my "new life" private. I changed careers, and people from home (including this person) can be judgmental.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 27/10/2016 11:12

Well, we all have the right to do that - and if you feel she will be judgemental or gossipy, then seriously decline her suggestion. I would just go with being very, very busy. If she takes offence, no matter because she doesn't sound like either a close or particularly pleasant friend.

c3pu · 27/10/2016 11:13

Tell her thanks for thinking of you but you can't get the time off to meet up.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2016 11:17

Erm.

Well.

What?!

user1477282676 · 27/10/2016 11:18

Well if you want to cut ties, do it properly and tell them you don't want to meet.

Original poster
FionaGatwick · 27/10/2016 11:23

No, I have not cut everyone from home off. We are connected through FB and talk from time to time. I just do not share with them what I'm doing now.

I used to share my life a lot with people. I just realised I don't want to do that anymore, and have not since I moved here.

OP posts:
Bountybarsyuk · 27/10/2016 11:27

Don't meet up with her and be all evasive and strange and not answer questions, what's the point in that?

Either you are happy to welcome her into your new life and have an ongoing friendship, or you aren't, in which case make an excuse that you can't make that night.

If you don't want to share, that's your perogative, just move on from this fully.

Confutatis · 27/10/2016 11:27

From what you have said, when you meet up for dinner (if...) you will face a seriously invasive conversation. Three years is a lot to catch up on (in her mind). If she is on a work do, her availability should be limited so I'd be finding reasons not to be available...

roundaboutthetown · 27/10/2016 11:29

? If you're not ashamed of what you do, I fail to understand the problem. So what if your "friends" can be judgmental twats? They either aren't worthwhile friends or they'll get over it. Being secretive about it and trying to hide it from someone who is supposed to be a friend and who is coming over to visit you is just weird, imo.

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2016 11:30

I would say that during the day I am busy working and then take a view on meeting up for dinner one evening. It's not very hard to steer the conversation away from yourself IME. You can answer any personal questions with quite general answers. I find many people will talk about themselves if encouraged and you can ask after mutual friends from home.

She is probably hoping for some tips about what to do in your area.

myownprivateidaho · 27/10/2016 11:31

I agree that you're not going to be able to meet up with this person and not tell her anything about your life (unless you either lie or actually say you are not going to tell her anything!). As for taking her round, it's no different to any other thing you've been asked to do and don't want to - tell her you can't make it.

AliceInUnderpants · 27/10/2016 11:32

Is this the same person you referred to as "self-righteous, judgmental, and boastful" in another very similar thread a couple of days ago?

acornsandnuts · 27/10/2016 11:34

You sound like my mum, she thinks everyone and his friend have nothing better to do than talk about her. People really don't give a shiny shit how you spend your time they have busy lives of their own.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 27/10/2016 11:38

What are you doing that's so shameful that you have to keep it secret? Confused

Friends' new jobs are not really all that interesting. There's a moment of "that's nice" and then they get on with their lives.

Either treat her like a friend and talk openly with her, or cancel.