to want to keep my "new life" private and secret?

[FionaGatwick]

I moved to another country almost three years ago, and have so far managed to keep what I've been doing to myself and a few friends from my "past" life.

One of my friends from my past life (not among the few mentioned above) is coming over for a work thing and asking to meet up.

I am very busy because it's exam season (I went back to school) and while I have agreed to a dinner, it seems she wants me to take her around, which I cannot do.

What do I tell her?

I read your OP - and I was being flippant with the homeopathy in Berlin comment.

But it could be true...

(Germany is the hub of homeopathy isn't it? They have books and courses on it and everything)

Or maybe your an ex-lawyer who's doing legal secretary work or training to be a paralegal?

Or an ex-teacher who has now segued into support assistant?

Or an ex-classical musician who is jamming on the saxophone in a smokey Parisienne night club?

Or an ex-professor of fine art who is drawing saucy cartoons for tabloid news papers?

I can't stop laughing at the notion of a burlesque dancer not wanting to flash her knickers

ollieplimsoles

I agree. But my friend won't understand that! She always belittles people (under the guise of "I can't understand...") who she thinks are not doing as well as she is doing.

Salmotrutta

Actually, what I'm training for now is a different field, but it could be integrated with my old field. It's more exciting to me this way.

But I did once go the "lawyer to legal secretary/ ex-teacher to support staff" route (basically because I was bored out of my skull during my first year here) and told them and I got judgment from the people who learned.

You're a lawyer aren't you? Go on go on go on

Oops, by "it" i mean get out of being a lawyer

To be fair, she is a good person. She supports her parents financially. She does not hurt people deliberately. It's just she can be really self-righteous and judgmental and it's tiring to talk to her because it always ends up with her judging people for whatever.

Fiona please do whatever you want to do.

Enjoy your new life and protect it in any way you wish to.

Maybe it is just right to say 'Sorry something has come up and I really am not free to meet up, it is a shame but I do hope you will understand."

My best guess is she will not understand and will feel cross and will pry for more information. This will be your point to choose to trust her with your own precious information and face potential judgement or just reiterate you are not free.

In her shoes this might make her feel you don't trust her as friend and she may distance herself from you. As this does seem to be the case then what is to lose from this?

If you think she will just judge you, then I would say face off her judgment and shake it off.

BUT it sounds like she might pass on information about your new life which you do not want passed on. And if this is the case do what is best for you. You do not owe any friend an explanation for your choices or life unconnected to them and you do not need to stay friends with someone who makes you unhappy.

Be happy.

Ok my guess is you used to be either a doctor or engineer, probably a doctor.
Now you are training to be.... hmmm, this one is a bit more difficult, maybe some kind of alternative healer?
Come on OP, you need to give us more clues about whatever it is you are training for, we promise we won't tell anyone fro your old life

PoloZolo

No, not training to be in homeopathy or alternative healer. I'm doing something technical. Arguably, the new field is probably as difficult as my old field (now that I'm doing it, I can see they're totally different things with probably the same level of difficulty), but I am sure people in my old field would snort when they hear this (the old field is mentally and physically exhausting - this new one is purely mental).

But no, no new age stuff.

Is she coming over specifically to see you? I had friends do that when I lived in Paris, stayed two weeks, I worked full time, it was awful. They wanted to go out and about, I just didn't have time. I've refused visitors like that ever since.

She sounds tiresome.

What I find interesting is why it matters so much to you that someone you find so judgemental may think badly of you. Does it matter if she does?

Cherrysoup

No, she has meetings, apparently each one is less than an hour each day so has a lot of time to sight-see and asked if I could take her.

DailyMailPenisPieces

I want to keep my new life private.

If you don't like this woman and think she's going to look down on you then don't meet up with her. Tell her you're busy with no further explanation and leave it there. You're just going to look a dick if you meet her and with all the cloak and dagger stuff. I still think you're probably over estimating how much of a shit anyone would give.

Oh dear, she sounds unutterably awful to have a talk with! I remember having a similar chat with a supposed friend who belittled everything I was doing at the time, comparing it unfavourably with her own not-particularly-stellar career, and by the end of it I was determined never to see her again!! (And I haven't - well not to have a one-to-one chat with, anyway)

I think if you can't lie convincingly that you're doing something else in the day, then you might have to sack off the dinner anyway. She sounds like she'd be like a terrier with a rat as soon as she sniffs anything out that you don't want to talk about, and you won't be able to deflect her. So either make up a reasonable story and stick to it - or become ill with D&V.

I understand Fiona actually, I wish I were a bit more like you! I'm also re-training, but to take on more rather than less.

I tell anyone and everyone that asks and often get judgements on that. People judge my age, they doubt I will be able to do what I've said I will and they think I'm wasting my time. I try to brazen it out but sometimes it's exhausting, and I wish I'd done what you are doing and kept quiet a bit more.

To avoid judgement I would avoid your frenemy, unless she is in your daily life you don't have to accommodate her or tell her the truth.

Op, whatever you decide to do with your friend, (i'd play dumb and focus on your new life/ place and deflect any questions about jobs with a 'oh I decided not to worry about work right now' 'there'll be plenty of time to think about work later' type comments), I just wanted to say it sounds fab that you have the space/time/resources to retrain, have found a field that you enjoy and that your dh is so supportive. Lucky you. All more important than worrying about small minded judgemental people!

Leeloo2

Thank you, Leeloo2. I'm very lucky. I've been given amazing opportunities this year and for the first time in my life, I'm excited (yet terrified) about what's going to happen next. :)

StrawberrytallCake

Goodluck to both of us! The age thing bothers me a bit, knowing that when I finish I will be competing with people almost half my age.

ThumbWitchesAbroad

This friend of mine has a comment on everyone so I am sure she will comment on my life when she goes back home. To be fair she's doing great in her career, but she seems to think her field is above every field known to man, and her job above every job as well.