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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to care about peoples sexual history?

155 replies

Relicfromspace · 26/10/2016 17:34

To give a bit of background, I'm a single dad, 31 and have been single for four years. Previous to this I've been in two relationships, and those are the only women I've slept with.

Now I've recently tried the whole internet dating thing, and more often than not ex's come up (mainly because they're trying to understand why I'm a single dad and where the mum is).. I realise that in my early 30's having only slept with two people is lower than the average. I'm not too concerned about the number, just the whole idea of them doing one night stands/casual stuff. I've tried steering clear from the conversation, and did so successfully with one women who I went on a date with. Ended up adding each other on Facebook, she did some random quiz about how many sexual partners she had and it predicted 24, she and her friends commented on how that's probably a bit low. I know it's wrong, but I just couldn't see her after that.

How do I get over the fact that I'm the odd one out, and people have much more experience than me? Struggling here!

OP posts:
DerelictMyBalls · 26/10/2016 19:38

DH and I have been together almost 15 years and neither of us has any idea how many partners the other had before we met. Just don't worry about it, it really doesn't make any difference to anything.

clumsyduck · 26/10/2016 19:44

Well since you concede you are in the minority op then I guess you just get on with it .

You could catch an std the very first time you have sex or sleep with 50 people and never catch any.

Iv slept with over double the people dp has ( not a particularly high number ) it's never been an issue . I had no relevance to our relationship now .

clumsyduck · 26/10/2016 19:44

It has *

ChocolateWombat · 26/10/2016 19:46

I think it's fine if the past isn't an issue for you.....but I also think it's fine for people to have feelings about the past too. Not everyone will feel they want a partner with kids, or who has been married before, or who is over whatever age,or whatever.....

I think it is naieive (sp?) to think that the past has no impact at all on our lives. It matters more to some people than others clearly, but surely in itself that isn't wrong.

SarcasmMode · 26/10/2016 19:47

Btw I don't see anyone as a slut. It's a vile slur and I confront anyone who uses it.

Katy07 · 26/10/2016 19:50

Maybe the OP doesn't want to find himself being just another notch on a bedpost and would rather have sex with someone that he thinks is special? If you get involved with someone (of either sex - I can't see how he's being sexist) who's had a large number of partners then there's a chance (not guaranteed but higher than someone with a lower number) that they're interested in sex more than a relationship. Great if you're interested in sex, not so great if you're looking for something more serious.
OP - rather than having a discussion on partners, just ask if they're a regular poster on Mumsnet. If they are then be prepared to be ridiculed Hmm

NicknameUsed · 26/10/2016 19:53

Sarcasm Half a guy?

SarcasmMode · 26/10/2016 19:58

Nick after posting realised it sounded odd.

He's literally just started and I told him to stop (I was drunk so really a bit dodgy territory).

MistresssIggi · 26/10/2016 20:03

I do hope the OP was married to the woman who gave birth to his child, we have to keep our standards up.

Oblomov16 · 26/10/2016 20:03

Op?
Poof and the OP was gone.....

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 26/10/2016 20:12

Katy07 Wed 26-Oct-16 19:50:34

Maybe the OP doesn't want to find himself being just another notch on a bedpost and would rather have sex with someone that he thinks is special?

And how about this potential partner maybe ready to settle down and not simply be wanting to add further notches to the bedpost? You don't know if you don't at least make some effort to get to know them.

MyGiddyUncle · 26/10/2016 20:17

There's a lot of offended posters on here, clearly.

The op is nbu IMO. I feel similarly...my number is 2, including dh. Dh's is 6.

I wouldn't be interested in a man with 20+ previous sexual partners. My preference, my reasons. Just as I wouldn't be interested in a short man, or a smoker or...a few other preferences that I can't bring to mind now.

I accept that for some men, me having only had two sexual partners may be a turn off. If you've had 25 previous partners that may equally be a turn off for some men. Nothing to get your knickers in a knot over, just find someone who isn't bothered.

Justaboy · 26/10/2016 21:10

OP are you feeling awkward that she put this on farcebook ?

As to the actual number, so what. I'm mid sixties and over time perhaps I've bedded a couple of hundred or so women a lot of that in and around the summer of lurve and in the 70's with the band etc, but the average Escort Prostitute maybe does over a thousand or more a year but does it really matter if you and she are OK with each other i fail see why the past is more important than the Now or future come to that!.

Pluto30 · 26/10/2016 21:22

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

People can choose to have sex with as many people as they like, but, equally, you can choose not to date them.

Health risks are increased when you have sex with someone who's had sex with lots of other people. There's no guarantee that they're using protection, and there's no guarantee that they're getting tested regularly. You only have their word. Being concerned about that isn't unreasonable.

defineme · 26/10/2016 21:23

I was probably similar to your date op, but that was my youth and then I met dh when I was 24 and have been monogamous for 20 years. When I was ready to settle down i settled down. I have never asked dh how many women he slept with, what would that have to do with us, we spent every minute with each other from the first night we met, yes we went home together that night!
I watch first dates and I think the the biggest mistake people make is having a set type. you need to open yourself up to opportunity. However, I think your date had a lucky escape, no one needs to be judged.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2016 21:25

I definitely care about someone's sexual history.

For the following worries; consent, are they very very keen on it; condoms, do they use them regularly; STD tests, do they take them and are they open about them; relationships with people they've had sex with, are they fond of them in the main and kind when they speak; are they currently just shagging me? If all those answers are right, I couldn't give a shite if it's 1 or 100.

DH and I didn't tell numbers. He didn't want to and I don't care. I'd imagine it's double figures but not triple!

MsJamieFraser · 26/10/2016 21:28

Tbh OP, if me and my dh split up, (my only sexual partner) I'd also be like you, im early 30's, and I would also struggle with dating someone who has had sex with multiple people.

I wouldn't tell them that or openly admit it in RL, however personally I would struggle with it.

Maccapacca88 · 26/10/2016 21:37

I don't know why you're getting so much criticism. We all have preferences in a partner. It's not like you've been with 50 women, but are looking for a virgin. You want someone who has similar experiences and values to you. You are not being derogatory to women who have had more partners, it's just not what you're looking for. I don't think you should have to change. I'm saying this as someone who has had a few sexual partners including a couple of one night stands.

HappyAxolotl · 26/10/2016 21:47

I definitely care about someone's sexual history.

For the following worries; consent, are they very very keen on it; condoms, do they use them regularly; STD tests, do they take them and are they open about them; relationships with people they've had sex with, are they fond of them in the main and kind when they speak; are they currently just shagging me? If all those answers are right, I couldn't give a shite if it's 1 or 100.

Me too MrsTerryPratchett. I don't ask about previous shags, previous actual significant relationships tend to come up in conversation anyway, and I'd give serious side-eye to any man who thought that what I'd been doing with my vagina before he came on the scene was any of his concern. I can't see any positive reason for being asked for your number of previous sex partners. It's only ever a reason to judge and slutshame isn't it?

RitchyBestingFace · 26/10/2016 21:48

i'm intrigued how ur gonna screen it. will u ask them? stalk their facebook? ask their friends? hand out a pre date survey? what if they lie? or refuse to tell u. (as it's quite frankly none of ur business)?

This.

I remember watching some very old-fashioned sitcom in the 80s where a man makes a comment about 'all women lie about their old lovers. They all say they've only ever had two - the beast who lied to them and took their virginity and the man they thought was their one true love' - cut to the female lead saying exactly the same thing. It's a reasonable thing to lie about if someone was prying. Because after all, the number of sexual partners one has is your business and no-one else's.

I am baffled about how you can judge people's values by how many people they have had sex with. "You've had 7 different penises in your vagina, what a coincidence, I've only put my penis in 7 different women - therefore our financial, political, emotional and ethical outlook is completely in tune!!'

For the following worries; consent, are they very very keen on it; condoms, do they use them regularly; STD tests, do they take them and are they open about them; relationships with people they've had sex with, are they fond of them in the main and kind when they speak; are they currently just shagging me? If all those answers are right, I couldn't give a shite if it's 1 or 100.

Completely agree with this.

graphista · 26/10/2016 21:55

I can understand op getting criticism as his views do seem to be coming from a perspective of placing women in a Madonna/whore binary.

That said you can't change who someone fundamentally is so he'd have more chance of meeting someone like minded on eg Christian dating sites, but that's still a risk as people lie.

Health concerns aside (and really it only takes once just like pregnancy) it's really not your business what someone has done in the past. When I married I'd only slept with a few people and all long term relationships,my ex had never had a ltr and had mostly had one night stands - none of my business. When we split, I was celibate for a few years, then I had a LOT of fun, including a couple of friends with benefits. If I meet someone in the future it will be none of their business what I did before I met them, even if that included orgies, swinging from the chandeliers etc.

I agree with those saying for your own sake you need to explore why you feel the way you do as you could be missing out on someone fantastic due to prejudice (and I'd apply that to people avoiding those who've got a low 'magic number's too).

YABVU to set any store on a stupid Facebook post though! aside from anything else I know my friends have NO IDEA what my number is, even dear friends i've known over 30 years! It's none of their business! Indeed one friend of mine who was considered in our group presentation marriage to be somewhat 'adventurous' has a far lower number than the others would possibly consider.

Shemozzle · 26/10/2016 21:58

YABVU.

I have been with my OH for 5 years and we have one child and one on the way (and I have another from a previous relationship). We have never once had a conversation about how many sexual partners or other relationships we have had. Why do you need to? Its a fresh slate. It's a very personal and intrusive conversation to have with someone you don't know. If you think it helps you figure out if they are looking for fun or monogamy surely you can figure that out by not immediately sleeping with them yourself and seeing if the relationship progresses? I think my OH would be shocked if he knew my sexual history, but I expect he wouldn't judge me for it.

pklme · 26/10/2016 22:17

I don't see anything wrong with your preference, OP, as you are not expecting different behaviour for men than women. It sounds as though you want a partner who takes the intimacy of sex seriously, as you do. That's ok.
To 'get past it', and broaden your opportunities, just don't ask until you know someone a bit better. By then you will know if it matters or not. When you meet someone great, you'll understand their choices.

pklme · 26/10/2016 22:20

If you think it helps you figure out if they are looking for fun or monogamy surely you can figure that out by not immediately sleeping with them yourself and seeing if the relationship progresses?

^
^
What shamozzle says!

ChocolateWombat · 26/10/2016 22:41

I don't think it helps to know about someone's sexual past before you get to know them. Whilst it is something. That has contributed towards who they are today, it's not the only or most important thing.

I think that the reason people are often interested in knowing this, is they think it is a way a gauging someone's attitude towards sex now and in the future and towards themselves. So, if someone has had lots of one night stands, the other person might feel that they are likely to want to continue doing this and are only interested in sex. Fine if the person in question is also only interested in sex...but perhaps off putting to someone who is seeking a serious long term, monogamous relationship. So I think people who aren't interested in having lots of sexual partners are often wary of those who have, because they think past behaviour is a sign of future behaviour. Of course, having had lots of previous sexual partners doesn't mean that person wants to have lots into the future - they might now want to settle down with 1 person for the rest of their life.....or they might not know if they want to. I guess though, that if you meet someone who has had very few partners in the past and they have reached a reasonable age, you might assume they might be someone looking for more than just sex which if that is what you want, is probably good and an indicator that you might be compatible,.

I don't think it is unreasonable to think that someone who has a significant sexual history is less likely to be looking for a long term monogamous relationship, than someone who hasn't. As a woman, I would be a bit wary of men who have many many partners, especially if recently, as it would suggest to me that they weren't after something serious, which I would be. Of course I could be wrong in thinking that. I could understand it if men wanting a serious relationship looked at it in a similar way.

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