Page 3 | to care about peoples sexual history?

Applecarts · 26/10/2016 18:23

Now I've recently tried the whole internet dating thing, and more often than not ex's come up (mainly because they're trying to understand why I'm a single dad and where the mum is).. I realise that in my early 30's having only slept with two people is lower than the average. I'm not too concerned about the number, just the whole idea of them doing one night stands/casual stuff. I've tried steering clear from the conversation, and did so successfully with one women who I went on a date with. Ended up adding each other on Facebook, she did some random quiz about how many sexual partners she had and it predicted 24, she and her friends commented on how that's probably a bit low. I know it's wrong, but I just couldn't see her after that.

How do I get over the fact that I'm the odd one out, and people have much more experience than me? Struggling here!

Unpick this, OP. First you say exes come up early on because you're a single dad - but there's a huge leap from 'I have a son from a previous relationship who lives with me' to 'give me the lowdown on your entire sexual past' - can't you see the difference? How on earth are you managing to determine whether or not someone has what you consider to be a lot of casual sex from a disclosure that you have a child? Having a child is hardly unusual among people who do OLD. Plus then you say

I've tried steering clear from the conversation

which is it? Are you honestly saying that people are telling you, unprompted, how much casual sex they have had before you even meet them? I find that difficult to believe.

And what is the problem with casual sex or ONSs, which you seem to find more problematic than a lot of partners? Do you have a virgin/whore complex, or are you simply worried about looking inexperienced and are coping by deciding you are disgusted by sexually-experienced women rather than intimidated?

YelloDraw · 26/10/2016 18:25

I haven't had many more sexual partners than the OP, but I am not put off by other people who do.

PortiaCastis · 26/10/2016 18:25

God you took notice of a dumb facebook quiz?

ChocolateWombat · 26/10/2016 18:26

Doesn't everyone make choices about the people they do and don't want to go out with?

Some people like partners who are skinny, or clever, or who haven't been married before, or who like animals, or don't have tattoos or do have tattoos, or have kids or don't have kids, or are religious or who aren't religious, or who are rich or not rich, or wear glasses or don't wear glasses............

I think everyone is free to choose. The more specific you are about what you do/do t like, then the narrower the choice of people you have....as long as you realise that, then fine. And as long as you don't make people feel bad because they are fat, have kids, had lots of partners, are disabled......then I think it is fine to prefer people who either have or haven't had lots of previous partners.

I suspect that the OP is asking on here anonymously and wouldn't have had this conversation with the woman in question. Clearly he shouldn't make her feel uncomfortable about her previous partners....but I do think he is free to have a preference one way or the other about it. As I say, it will reduce the amount of women available to him, but that's fine.

Applecarts · 26/10/2016 18:26

I imagine he feels that he lacks experience and might feel judged by someone with more experience.

I think you're right, but that's not what he has actually said, he's expressing distaste for sexually-experienced women, not saying 'How do I move past the fact that I'm comparatively inexperienced, and feel intimidated by potential dates with more past partners?'

Trifleorbust · 26/10/2016 18:27

I can't work out what you mean by a 'preference' if you're not judging them. What possible other difference can it make to you?

FifaFater · 26/10/2016 18:27

You ANBU!!!

Being inexperienced is a bit of a nerve wrecker if you've been with the same person for so long.

A girl sleeping with 30 people, is IMHO a flag about how she respects herself, and how she treats sex. Thats not to say I wouldn't say the same about men, I would.

I'm from a background where most men and women would settle early, and not get the option to leave and 'play the field' so maybe my views are old fashioned or not in keeping with western culture.

Headofthehive55 · 26/10/2016 18:28

Don't ask, never tell. That's how you deal with it.

Halloweensnake · 26/10/2016 18:28

I've had one,and I'm married to him....he had one before me,that took a bit of getting used to,and made me feel a bit sick...luckily he wore a condom...but I do accept I'm not the norm.and quite repressed in the area of partners

Teaandcakeat8 · 26/10/2016 18:28

I'm 26, I've slept with 18 people.

Given that I've been sexually active for 10 years... thats actually less than 2 a year.

I had a few ONS when I was much younger, several medium term relationships and a whole bunch of guys who I dated for a few months then it just didn't work out.

Why does it bother you so much? Is it more of a reflection on what you therefore think of the woman, or is it about your own insecurities.

Noone can say you are wrong for your way of thinking (I personally would be put off by a guy who has only slept with two women at 31 which really makes me just as bad) but you are really limiting your dating pool here and potentially missing out on a great woman just because of this view.

My view on this? What you don't know can't hurt you - perhaps just don't ask in future.

crunched · 26/10/2016 18:30

Surely Relic is allowed to choose a partner with any criteria he may have? We all have personal preferences. He states he is not concerned about the number of partners,it is more that the type of person who chooses to have multiple partners, may be unlikely to hold the same outlook as him; this may make building a relationship more challenging.
Sheldon states this clearly.
And having a low number of previous sexual partners does not make a poor or even inexperienced lover. Quality not quantity!

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 26/10/2016 18:31

I know it's wrong, but I just couldn't see her after that

Did it ever occur to you that they may be taking the piss? Any of these are equally possible:

She has had very few sexual partners and they are responding in a sarcastic way knowing her actual number is far lower.
She has had a lot of boyfriends (although not necessarily slept with most of them) and they are ribbing her about it.
She has actually slept with a lot of people and they are ribbing her about it.

Never make assumptions about anyone. Get to know them and if the history is important to you ask about it and try to understand the reason behind the numbers. THEN you can make a decision. Sexual history is a very small part of a very big picture. Remember that.

Mishaps · 26/10/2016 18:32

People approach their sexual relationships in different ways - if the OP is looking for a long term relationship then he needs to find someone whose approach to sexual activity correlates with his; and who has similar views on a whole raft of other things. I do not think it is judgemental of him to want to choose a partner who has similar views to his. Some people only want to have sex in an established relationship; others see it more as recreation. Neither is right or wrong, as long as it is consensual and safely pursued. But he clearly feels that this is one area where he would like to feel in synch with his partner. That is fine. It is not about insecurity or any other psychological weakness. It is just about people being different from each other in many many aspects of their lives and wanting a long term partner to be someone whose views and interests match theirs.

Trifleorbust · 26/10/2016 18:33

How is having a lot of consensual sexual indicative of a lack of self-respect? God, that is prehistoric.

glitterandtinsel · 26/10/2016 18:34

When you meet the right girl will it matter less?

Mishaps · 26/10/2016 18:34

Halloweensnake - you are not repressed and there is no norm that one should strive for.

slenderisthenight · 26/10/2016 18:34

I think it's fine that you don't want to see someone who has had exponentially more partners than you.

It's obviously a bigger deal for you to be intimate with someone and your expectations/vulnerabilities might be very different.

Not everyone will have had loads more partners than you - as in everything, you just have to trust that someone like you will come along.

wornoutboots · 26/10/2016 18:37

I've had sex with 6 people. My husband has had sex with 2. Neither of us wanted to have meaningless sex.

You aren't the only one. I don't judge those who do have lots of partners, but it's just not been something I wanted to do.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 26/10/2016 18:39

how I can move away from this position and just realise that people have a past, and it doesn't really matter. Rather than concerning myself with it.

The other option (besides the one above) is don't ask, don't tell. Then you never need to worry about it at all.

woodhill · 26/10/2016 18:39

I do think attitudes to sex have changed a lot since the 80s when I was in my teens. Teenagers seem to be sexually active at a younger age. I still think it is better to be reticent about sex and to not jump into bed with people unless you are in a committed relationship.

I would worry about STDs.

Bountybarsyuk · 26/10/2016 18:40

I love how everyone on the other thread about the woman who slept with an older man for money said 'don't tell any future partners' and generally agreed no-one is obliged to say anything.

Basically you can't know, OP, because people often edit the truth in relation to sexual history.

My husband never asked me a number, nor I him. We both know we've had a fair few relationships before each other, and even met some of them, we were in our thirties when we met and numbers were irrelevant.

Try to work out why they are relevant to you, bearing in mind most people think it fine to edit their sexual past (unless it's super-limited).

ChocolateWombat · 26/10/2016 18:40

We all have preferences when we choose partners. We all make judgements about possible partners - how they look, how they behave, what they do, their personality. This is just one of those preferences.

People are free to behave as they wish. Women can have as many sexual partners as they wish as can men. Choices we make in our pasts though might affect the way people see us in the future. It is naieve to think that our later lives are not affected by things that have happened earlier. So, if we have kids from an earlier relationship, some people will love that, but others won't. It doesn't make those who aren't keen bad people, just that they prefer someone without kids - their choice. If we work very long hours, some people might not be keen to have a partner who does that - you could call it judgemental, but it's a preference that someone is free to have.

Personally, I think finding out about someone's sexual last too soon into a relationship isn't very helpful - in fact, finding out about all kinds of things might not be very helpful. It's often better to get to know someone properly first and to take them for themselves before making judgements based on past events. Once you know someone properly, the things in their past don't seem to matter so much or even if you feel they might, can often be got over.

However, I don't think that it is totally wrong to not feel keen to go out with people who are either sexually experienced or not sexually experienced. It is fine to have preferences...and often people do like someone similar to themselves in all kinds of ways, not just this. It is important though not to appear judgemental - so you wouldn't say to someone I'm not going out with you any more because you have tattoos, or I don't like your family - it would be rude. However it is fine to not be keen on tattoos or to prefer men or women who have had fewer or more partners.

PhoenixRisingSlowly · 26/10/2016 18:41

I agree with what Gatehouse77 said up thread. I've never had a one night stand and don't wish to, that sort of encounter doesn't remotely appeal to me and I'd prefer to be with someone who feels the same way. It's okay to have a preference about that sort of thing.

Thefitfatty · 26/10/2016 18:44

DH and I met at 28. I was his 2nd partner, he was my 24th. He's not fond of one night stands, doesn't understand the appeal. I've had several and don't understand not having them, they can be a lot of fun. He's far better in bed then me, adventurous, skilled, etc. That's his nature, he's attentive. I'm a prude who likes quickies and missionary.
we love each other. That's all that matters.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 26/10/2016 18:44

A girl sleeping with 30 people, is IMHO a flag about how she respects herself, and how she treats sex. Thats not to say I wouldn't say the same about men, I would.

This is bullshit. It may be true of some women, but I know plenty of women who don't want to settle down, and who have had a number of partners. They also practise safe, consensual sex, because, shock, horror, they like having sex.

It's a hangover of a time when women were not supposed to enjoy sex, they were supposed to remain pure and sex was something done to them by their husbands. We need to accept women can and do like sex, and not always with the same person. And I say this as someone who has only had a single partner for nearly 30 years.