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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to care about peoples sexual history?

155 replies

Relicfromspace · 26/10/2016 17:34

To give a bit of background, I'm a single dad, 31 and have been single for four years. Previous to this I've been in two relationships, and those are the only women I've slept with.

Now I've recently tried the whole internet dating thing, and more often than not ex's come up (mainly because they're trying to understand why I'm a single dad and where the mum is).. I realise that in my early 30's having only slept with two people is lower than the average. I'm not too concerned about the number, just the whole idea of them doing one night stands/casual stuff. I've tried steering clear from the conversation, and did so successfully with one women who I went on a date with. Ended up adding each other on Facebook, she did some random quiz about how many sexual partners she had and it predicted 24, she and her friends commented on how that's probably a bit low. I know it's wrong, but I just couldn't see her after that.

How do I get over the fact that I'm the odd one out, and people have much more experience than me? Struggling here!

OP posts:

Hullygully · 26/10/2016 18:54

wot mishaps said

ChocolateWombat · 26/10/2016 18:57

And it's fine that they like having sex with lots of people. However, that doesn't mean every man (or woman in reverse) needs to feel entirely thrilled or even neutral about it. Someone's attitude towards sex (having loads with 1 person, having loads with loads of people, having it very occasionally) is a key aspect of them....and it is fine for that to be an aspect that someone is or isn't looking for.

In the same way that women who don't want to have sex until they are married or only far into a relationship, won't appeal to all men, likewise women who want to have sex very early on in a relationship won't appeal to all either. Some people have. A very relaxed and laid back attitude towards sex - fine, some people don't - fine.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 26/10/2016 18:58

I'm from a background where most men and women would settle early, and not get the option to leave and 'play the field' so maybe my views are old fashioned or not in keeping with western culture

Sounds hidiously repressed!

RepentAtLeisure · 26/10/2016 19:02

The thing is, you may meet a wonderful person who had that kind of lifestyle in their twenties and then changed.

There are people on the other side of the coin who would find it weird to date someone in their thirties who had only had two partners - and they would be just as short-sighted.

It comes down to priorities really. As you get older you have to get more accepting that other adults have baggage. It's not like dating as an 18 year old. If it really means a lot to you that a future partner should also have only 2 or 3 partners, then you will just have to wait until that person comes along.

TataEs · 26/10/2016 19:03

i'm intrigued how ur gonna screen it. will u ask them? stalk their facebook? ask their friends? hand out a pre date survey? what if they lie? or refuse to tell u. (as it's quite frankly none of ur business)?

i don't know exactly how many people my husband has slept with, nor he i, so long as now he's only sleeping with me, who cares?!

legotits · 26/10/2016 19:04

Mindtrope · 26/10/2016 19:04

I have not a clue how many sexual partners my OH has had. We have been together 20 years and I have never asked him. Got together when he was 39, my guess is somewhere between 3 and 30 ex partners.

I don't give a shite to be honest. i don't know if his partners were one night stands, long term relationships or friends with benefits. I know he did live with one woman for several years, but that's it.

Similarly my OH does not know or very interested in my sexual history.

The point is that we are together, faithful and love to give and receive sexual pleasure to each other. Nothing else matters. We can't change it, but it's in the past, so it's not important.

Somanyvipers · 26/10/2016 19:06

Exactly Raspberry. Exactly. Thank you for posting my very thoughts.

ChocolateWombat · 26/10/2016 19:08

But isn't seeing that as hideously repressed as judgmental as seeing a woman who has slept with lots of men, as 'loose' or whatever term some might use. These are both different ways to live that people choose. Everyone is free to make a choice....and about their partner too. Yes, the more narrow we ar in terms of what characteristics we like/accept in future partners, the less choice we have and we exclude lots of people....but everyone is free to choose their partner.

This idea that sexual choices should be viewed entirely neutrally is daft to be honest. I do think that all men and women have a choice of how to behave. We are at that point. However, people make different choices and there are all kinds of choices that others make, that we wouldn't choose for ourselves or our future partners. Some people will immediately exclude a potential partner because they are unemployed, or they have lots of kids (or any kids) or because they are a certain size, or they are bald, or they have been married before, or .......Likewise, some people find a history of many sexual partners a positive, or are neutral, or are turned off by it. We can accept people's right to live how they like in this area, without feeling entirely neutral about it....in fact, there are loads of areas we don't feel totally neutral about. That's normal. What isn't acceptable is to tell someone that their previous actions have been wrong (well sometimes it is right to tell them that) but it wouldn't be acceptable to tell someone that having slept with lots of people or still being a virgin was wrong. However, it would be fine to not be Keene on either of those things and to not choose to go out with someone.

NicknameUsed · 26/10/2016 19:10

"I personally would be put off by a guy who has only slept with two women at 31"

But if he had been in two back to back long term realtionships since the age of 15 or 16 for example, would you not have been put off if he had had several partners because he had been cheating?

There are two many variables to make a judgement. I can't help thinking that the more judgemental posts are from people have had several partners.

I couldn't care less how many partners someone has had, but I think people need to accept that we are all different, and we shouldn't judge people by our own values.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 26/10/2016 19:12

chocolate when you don't get the option to leave something - it's repressed. That is not a choice.

TaraCarter · 26/10/2016 19:12

Good grief.

There is a difference between "slut-shaming" and "wanting someone who makes similar choices, such as also only having sex within serious relationships". The OP sounds like he falls into the latter camp, and you know what? That's okay.

I cant stand people who mock and abuse women (and lets be clear, it's mainly women) for having too many partners, but, funnily enough, I'm not too keen on retaliatory jeering at men and women for having too few partners.

Some people need or want more of a romantic relationship before they take their jeans off, and that's okay and it's normal, nay, wise to try to date people with whom you have reasonable amounts in common.

Opposites may attract, but they also end up rowing over a lot.

witsender · 26/10/2016 19:13

I've never had a one night stand, nor casual sex. At 35, nearly 36 I have slept with about 25 people. Given that is nearly 20 sexually active years (DH accounting for the last 7) that equates to approx 2 per year...hardly professional status. Yet equating to low self esteem and dubious morals I suspect!

FlyAwayFar · 26/10/2016 19:15

I can see your point, but I think it ignores the very very long history (still ongoing) of judging women (and only women) by their sexual history. We've seen how that can be used in the recent Ched Evans case. These attitudes are deeply deeply embedded.

It's hard to know, from the details of the OP why the OP is put off by a woman with a sexual history of more than 2 or 3 partners. We don't even know and neither does he just what this woman's past history actually is. He's made assumptions, and very quickly. So I might reasonably assume that inside or underneath his "preference" is an internalisation of the judgemental attitude towards women who have sex because they enjoy, and not just within the confines of a "loving relationship."

Careforadrink · 26/10/2016 19:17

Yanbu

You are perfectly entitled to prefer to be intimate with people who don't do casual sex.

I think the op is getting a hard time. It seems to me that people are judging him for his preference far more. Total double standards by some posters.

As long as he doesn't differentiate between genders when expecting a lack of partners then he can prefer what the hell he wants.

FlyAwayFar · 26/10/2016 19:18

And not just judging, but punishing women for being sexually active. Viz. Ched Evans case.

NicknameUsed · 26/10/2016 19:18

"I cant stand people who mock and abuse women (and lets be clear, it's mainly women) for having too many partners, but, funnily enough, I'm not too keen on retaliatory jeering at men and women for having too few partners."

This ^^

IreallyKNOWiamright · 26/10/2016 19:21

I don't think you should be embarrassed but try not to judge people. You might miss out on meeting your match because you were worrying about the amount of sexual partners.
I've only slept with one person my dh and If were to end up single again, I would be really upset, If someone thought I might be crap in bed cause of my lack of partners. It's the same the other way round

ChocolateWombat · 26/10/2016 19:24

The people who seem to get really angry about this are the people who have had lots of sexual partners. It is entirely their choice.....in the same way it is entirely their choice to have kids or not, where they live, what kind of leisure activities they get up to. It is their personal choice. Their choice isn't the right one or the only one .....and choosing to sleep with only 1 person or no one is valid too. Sometimes people seem to judge them too and see them as 'repressed'.

I guess we shouldn't be trying to influence the way other people choose to live their lives sexually, or in other areas either. However this doesn't mean we have to like or think all options open to people are equally good - so in that sense, there is some judgement, but we make these judgements about people's choices all the time - we might not think it is the best choice that X takes a certain job, or doesn't take a certain job, we might think Y is a bit daft for marrying a certain person or not marrying them, we might think Z should have had another baby..or not. We think these kind of things all the time...which of course are judgements. Usually though,miss right to keep these thoughts to ourselves. And I'm sure the OP is keeping his thoughts to himself. That's the thing with MN isn't it - as an anonymous forum you can voice your thoughts that you wouldn't to the world. We all have thoughts we wouldn't share with the world or very few other people...and it's right that those thoughts stay in our minds......but to say that no-one has or can have any thoughts about sexual behaviour, is simply not to acknowledge the reality. I understand that people don't like to feel judged - no-one likes that, and no-one should be subjected to negative comments about their sexual choices, but to think that no-one feels such thoughts (either about those who have slept with whatever loads is perceived as, or few is perceived as) is unrealistic and a bit daft.

alltouchedout · 26/10/2016 19:26

I can't imagine this mattering to me. I was quite promiscuous pre meeting dh and had lots of partners. He wasn't and didn't. We've been together almost 13 years. What does it matter who either of us had sex with before we met? It's got no bearing in what we have together.

RestlessTraveller · 26/10/2016 19:27

In the interests of disclosure my "magic number" is 24. I'm sure a lot of you assholes on here think that makes me a slut. I'm not asking for other people on to disclose how many people they have slep with, but for a 43 year old who has longest relationship is 5 years and loves sex I would say that's pretty average.

I am absolutely ashamed to be part of this 'community' today.

TaraCarter · 26/10/2016 19:35

I think the op is getting a hard time. It seems to me that people are judging him for his preference far more. Total double standards by some posters

People aren't really twigging that he's not the archetypal 'lock and key' hypocrite.

PortiaCastis · 26/10/2016 19:35

I won't say how many partners Ive had because this is a public forum and it's nobody's business but my own.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 26/10/2016 19:37

The people who seem to get really angry about this are the people who have had lots of sexual partners

How would you know that though? What's do you consider a lot? who's angry?

you post massive posts chocolate but in thst first sentence shows how you truely feel about it.

Dh and I have never asked each other because we don't care. All that matters is the present and future not some ex from ten years ago

SarcasmMode · 26/10/2016 19:38

Ive been with 2 and a half men all the way I'm 26, got with DH at 18, lost my virginity at 17. If I'd not have been with DH until mid twenties I imagine I would've still had a very low number 3 or 4 maybe. Sex makes me feel vulnerable and who wants to be vulnerable with a stranger. That's me though. DH was a virgin of 21 when we got together. If he had a few I'd be cool with it but if he'd got into double numbers of feel.. Off about it.

Because he'd be more experienced yes but mostly as I wouldn't just want to be another number on that list.

My ex (I hate even referring to him like that) I'm not sure of his number. First he said none and then 1. He was a sleaze so not sure.

The half guy was at least in double digits and was 17 at the time.

I would not batter an eyelid if my friend told me she slept with 50 men though. Unless they were in LTRs or all within a week!

But it's very different with someone you have intimacy emotionally with.

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