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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to care about peoples sexual history?

155 replies

Relicfromspace · 26/10/2016 17:34

To give a bit of background, I'm a single dad, 31 and have been single for four years. Previous to this I've been in two relationships, and those are the only women I've slept with.

Now I've recently tried the whole internet dating thing, and more often than not ex's come up (mainly because they're trying to understand why I'm a single dad and where the mum is).. I realise that in my early 30's having only slept with two people is lower than the average. I'm not too concerned about the number, just the whole idea of them doing one night stands/casual stuff. I've tried steering clear from the conversation, and did so successfully with one women who I went on a date with. Ended up adding each other on Facebook, she did some random quiz about how many sexual partners she had and it predicted 24, she and her friends commented on how that's probably a bit low. I know it's wrong, but I just couldn't see her after that.

How do I get over the fact that I'm the odd one out, and people have much more experience than me? Struggling here!

OP posts:
SongforSal · 26/10/2016 18:04

Don't ask. What you don't know, you won't mull over! If you meet a 'special' someone, and fall in love. You can muse over past history then! Bringing it up so early is a little intimidating all round and not relevant. If it comes up in convo, throw your hands up and say ''Oh, I would rather not talk about it now, any exes are in the past and I'm here to get to know you!'' Focusing on a partners past history isn't healthy. Look at it in a healthier way. Even if your date has banged 100 people. She's seeing potential in you...Not Them. They are her past.

GreatFuckability · 26/10/2016 18:04

And really, the idea that only people who have casual sex get STD's? really? are you 12 or just from 1950??

Arfarfanarf · 26/10/2016 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 26/10/2016 18:05

Lucky escape for her I think, no one needs to be around that kind of judgment of perfectly normal behaviour.

harderandharder2breathe · 26/10/2016 18:06

What if she had a lot of casual sex in her late teens or early twenties but only in relationships for the last few years? You're judging her on who she was a long time before you knew her.

How many partners someone has had doesn't say much about them. Some people might only have a handful but might have overlapped all those relationships so be a serial cheater. That would bother me far more than a number.

If she's 30 and slept with 24 people since she was 18 for example, that's two a year, not that extreme

SarcasmMode · 26/10/2016 18:06

I agree with previous posters though you should really look at why you feel that way about ONS.

Why are you so against them?

Do you think it's only a certain type of woman who does them, you worry about STIs etc?

Viviene · 26/10/2016 18:06

I would question why someone in their thirties has not dated for a while and has only had few partners.
I'd stay way clear of as I was burnt once by going out with a guy who had only slept with virgins before me. He was in his mid - thirties and really didn't like the fact that I wasn't a virgin. Never again, thank you. I think there's Christian dating website, you could try there? I'm actually not being sarcastic but trying to help. People need to meet compatible people. Life's too short for bad sex! ;-)

JackShit · 26/10/2016 18:06

YANBU. It's grim.

Thefitfatty · 26/10/2016 18:08

if you want to get over it, start by pulling your head out of your ass.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 26/10/2016 18:08

It's absolutly none of your buisness snd I agree with PP - she had a lucky escape.

Grow up

PopFizz · 26/10/2016 18:09

I was 30 when I met DP. I had had 1 one night stand. I was married for four years, and other than that all sexual partners were in relationships of 3-6months. It meant ive slept with around 15-20 men (I honestly didn't keep count) he has slept with four. It makes absolutely no difference to our relationship, and nor should it. Wasn't like I stood outside with no knickers on selling myself.

Yabu.

SheldonCRules · 26/10/2016 18:12

Not unreasonable to want a partner with a moderate sexual history. I'd not want a partner either who had slept around a lot. We each have different morals and views on what we want our partners to be.

deblet · 26/10/2016 18:12

You don't have to change your way of thinking. If you don't want to date someone who has had quite a few partners then don't just be aware you will be limiting the amount of dates you may have. There is no right or wrong here as a pp said we all have preferences. I have had only two sexual partners, engaged to the first one married the second because I didn't have sex with all my boyfriends my choice. Don't be judgemental just polite and move on. Be aware you may have to change your way of thinking if you fall in love with someone who does not fit your ideal though.

Sweets101 · 26/10/2016 18:12

I agree with PP you need to work out what it is that bothers you.
Is it a fear that they might just want casual sex? Or that they might be more 'experienced' then you so you won't feel evenly matched as it were or they are therefore more likely to find you lacking?
Either of those things comes from a place of insecurity, so if it is something like that as opposed to religious or moral choices, I think it would be better to concentrate on your self esteem for the moment.

OlennasWimple · 26/10/2016 18:14

Nice slut shaming on this thread...

NicknameUsed · 26/10/2016 18:14

"Wow. Just wow. Really really judgmental of you there!"

I don't think so. I have been married for ages so have no recent experience of the dating game, but I completely understand where the OP is coming from. I imagine he feels that he lacks experience and might feel judged by someone with more experience.

I think some of the responses (from the more experienced posters) on here are rather judgemental.

bigbuttons · 26/10/2016 18:16

Personally I would be wary of sleeping with a bloke who'd only had 2 sexual partners by the age of 31.

deblet · 26/10/2016 18:16

Why Bigbuttons?

FlyAwayFar · 26/10/2016 18:17

I know it's wrong, but I just couldn't see her after that

Good that you know you are BU (very unreasonable).

Maybe one way to deal with it is to start to think of women as equals, fully human, and their sexual "numbers" irrelevant?

I tend to think that one's first time with a new person is like a kind of virginity all over again.

But mostly YABU for being sexist.

228agreenend · 26/10/2016 18:21

Great post earlier asking what actually bothers you - your lack of experience or your potential dp's over-experience.

However, I understand where you are coming from. I remember when I started uni that I was shocked that people slept around so casually. For me, sex was something you did only after you got to know someone and trusted them (Ii'm old and know it's an old fashioned view).

However, I feel you need to get to know the person first. Everyone has a history, and once you find someone special, the past will be irrelevant.

notangelinajolie · 26/10/2016 18:21

Wow just wow. Lots of judgemental posters and the OP isn't one of them.

dinosaursarebisexual · 26/10/2016 18:21

Did you wait until you were fully and monogamously committed to your previous partners before having sex with them OP ? Is that what it is ?

NickiFury · 26/10/2016 18:21

I completely understand where the OP is coming from. I imagine he feels that he lacks experience and might feel judged by someone with more experience

That's not what he's worried about.

NicknameUsed · 26/10/2016 18:22

But why is he being sexist? I'm sure there are women who might think the same.

I would be far more worried about a man reaching the age of 31 and not having been in a long term relationship. A bit of a commitment-phobe perhaps?

Gatehouse77 · 26/10/2016 18:23

You are being judgemental but why is that such a bad thing? I wouldn't be interested in a man with the kind of past that Relic is describing.

Where do you draw the line between judgemental, scruples, morals?

I have never had a one night stand (sexual) and would not because, to me, sex is intimate and borne out of respect and desire.

Relic I'm not sure why you feel the need to get past it? Surely, you'd rather wait for someone who shares your views on such a topic? I know I would/did.