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AIBU?

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Original poster

Livid! To think she did this on purpose??

277 replies

Bribrielliott · 26/10/2016 13:33

Ahh I'm so annoyed! Name changed for this. So "future" mil was showing me some photos of her holiday on her phone and she carried on swiping past the holiday ones until she got to a diamond ring, then started shouting oh no I've ruined the surprise, don't tell him you have seen it, he will be so upset etc. whilst keeping the photo on!!!! I so think she has done this on purpose, we have had a rocky relationship in the past but I thought we had got over that but honestly it was so over dramatic the way she was talking and if she had just carried on swiping I wouldn't have thought anything of it!! I'm so upset that I know and that she has ruined the surprise, as I really wouldn't have expected it. Also feel sad for dp and hope I can act surprised when it happens.

OP posts:
Strawberry90 · 27/10/2016 10:17

If the op doesn't tell her boyfriend the mil will have it in her power to mention it later (and she will) and the boyfriend will be really upset he's been lied to and not trust the op at all - not great for a marriage!!

ItsJustNotRight · 27/10/2016 10:41

As PPs have said, you'd better tell him you know. If you don't and MIL is that sly she will be bound to tell him at some point that she had told you and be totally surprised that you hadn't mentioned it. It will reflect badly on you and she will be delighted. Don't start off by playing her games, once she knows you will your life will be hell. This is a clear indication of future meddling to come.

TuttiFrutti · 27/10/2016 10:50

Tell him exactly what you have told us.

My MIL would have done this if she could. It's about control: she is showing you that he confided in her something he hasn't shared with you yet. Childish showing off really, all done in a passive aggressive way so you can't challenge her on it.

Most men will fail to see this, especially if it is their mother doing it. I bet your DP will say "Oh, she must have done it accidentally, I bet she felt terrible". Possibly he may see the light if you tell him the full facts.

Tiggywinkler · 27/10/2016 11:21

Is MIL married?

Could you tell your fiancé that you think she might be about to announce her engagement, as she was bursting to show you a sneak peek of a ring on her phone?

Tiggywinkler · 27/10/2016 11:23

Sorry, don't know why I called him your fiancé when the whole point is that you're not engaged yet. Blush

AngelicaSchuyler · 27/10/2016 11:50

I'm a bit Hmm at the rather melodramatic posters saying the marriage would be 'starting with a lie' and the DP would be 'angry that OP lied' if the OP doesn't tell him she saw a pic of the ring before he has a chance to propose.

It's not a 'lie'. It's choosing not to rise to the bait of MIL and giving the DP the oppotunity to propose as per his plan. Surely if you kept quiet, accepted the proposal when it comes and then afterwards the MIL was enough of a cow to say 'Oooooh she knew all along' there's not going to be any anger directed at you? Disappointment at the situation maybe (and possibly his MIL), but sure if you just smile and say - "oh I had an inkling but I didn't know how or when it was going to happen - I didn't want to spoil it for you as I knew you'd probably put a lot of thought into it" etc, I don't see how that ends in anger at you.

If the OP's DP is shitty with her for effectively protecting his feelings then he's an arse as far as I'm concerned. My MIL is lovely but she would have done exactly the same thing if she had genuinely shown me a ring pic by accident - flapped about it, made it into a massive 'thing' and made the whole situation worse. Only you know what your future MIL is really like Op - htere's a whole lot of projection going on in this thread!

Congrats OP and let us know when he pops the question!

Morporkia · 27/10/2016 12:01

I think you should tell your future MIL that it's HER responsibility to tell her DS about the monumental cock up she has made of his proposal..Her 'mistake' so she should own up to it.

pregnantat50 · 27/10/2016 12:43

Is there any chance MIL could be doing a double sneaky on you and its not even what you think it is, therefore you tell DP that youve seen the ring and he says "what ring?" just wondering if she is capable of that ? x

Original poster
Bribrielliott · 27/10/2016 14:14

Ok she is batshit fucking crazy!!!
I ended up telling dp all about it last night as he started discussing plans for my birthday (November) and I knew then that was when he was going to do it as he was being very coy and silly and I felt sooo bad that I knew. He was understandably pissed off and as it turns out he was unaware his mother even knew, he had told his dad and was keeping the ring there but strictly old him not to tell his dm as she is known for being a blabber mouth, clearly he told her, and showed her!
Anyway dp went over there, cue hysterical mother! BUT... she admitted doing it on purpose as she only did it because she felt "left out" for not being the first to know. And it gets worse, she then refused to give him the ring until he apologised for deeming her untrustworthy??? WTF!!! Angry so he came home last night angry, upset and empty handed. I on the other hand woke up to a delightful message from her saying how malicious I am for trying to turn her son against her. Honestly I feel like screaming, what the fuck is she actually thinking?! I can't even believe it, the worst part is me and dp have been together 9 years and have 2 DC. She has had plenty of time to get used to the idea. Dp went to work this morning and I haven't spoken to him today yet but he must feel soo shitty now. I wish I never said it now, I don't know. All I know is his mum is an absolute bitch.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 27/10/2016 14:17

I just knew it! I bloody knew it! What a cold-hearted, selfish cow! She's effectively made this all about her. And, I hasten to add, completely justified your DP's caution in not telling her in the first place. And you, poor you, the totally innocent victim in all this, who has done absolutely nothing wrong!

I feel really angry on your behalf!

AngelicaSchuyler · 27/10/2016 14:23

Wowsers! I take back what I said OP, she's obviously a complete headcase - Flowers for you!

BeMorePanda · 27/10/2016 14:24

It's not your fault Brie, it's absolutely not your fault.
I feel really bad for you and your DP - but massive kudos to you for listening to what your gut was telling you - which was spot on - and for being up front with your DP.

She's admitted to engineering the whole thing and has the audacity to blame you - totally freaking bonkers.

OliviaBenson · 27/10/2016 14:25

Good god! I feel very sorry for your DP.

I'd be tempted to elope and exclude her from the wedding after this stunt.....

Don't respond to her message, don't engage with her, just ignore.

BeMorePanda · 27/10/2016 14:26

I hope you and your DP can put this aside, and ham up a big cheesy OTT proposal event between you.

AngelicaSchuyler · 27/10/2016 14:28

Although ever such a slight drip feed that you've been together for 9 years with 2 DC...

MilkyMamma · 27/10/2016 14:28

Wow, she sounds like a nutcase! Poor you and poor DP, I'm sorry. I'm so cross for you, I can't actually believe it!
How could someone do anything so callous, to their own son?

She owes you both a huge apology.

roundandroundthehouses · 27/10/2016 14:29

That is horrible. I feel so sorry for you, and for your dp.

All I can say is that it gives both of you the chance to have open conversations about the way things clearly are with your dp's mother, and to come together as a unit with clear boundaries. She has shot herself in the foot with this. Also, you were absolutely right to tell your dp. Otherwise, you'd have been complicit with that selfish cow in keeping a secret from him. (I just bet she'd have waited a while and then let it slip that she'd known all along, and had told you - maybe even pointing out how good you'd been at keeping the secret from him? A dark horse, aren't you? He could never be sure what you're thinking...)

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/10/2016 14:29

She's a fruit loop!! OMG just don't have anything to do with her. Up to your poor DP now how he wants to deal with her. He must be gutted, what a crank Shock

JellyBelli · 27/10/2016 14:31

So she has spoiled the moment, made it all about her and kidnapped the ring? She is batshit crazy.
At least you both know. If you stick together, this kind of fuckwittery can actually make a couple stronger.

Oh and congratulations Smile

Strawberry90 · 27/10/2016 14:32

Yep she's a bitch.

I'm so sorry what should be a happy occasion has been ruined by her!

Take the high road and just ignore her and her message. Just supports your DP as to what he wants to do with her.

babymouse · 27/10/2016 14:32

Poor you and your partner. I hope his dad can sorry it out for you both.

cosmicglittergirl · 27/10/2016 14:33

Get married and don't invite her. Then she'll know what it feels like to be left out.

cosmicglittergirl · 27/10/2016 14:33

I'm not normally so hardcore, but this is outrageous.

Original poster
Bribrielliott · 27/10/2016 14:35

It's honestly making me question the whole engagement/wedding, I love my dp and would love to marry him but I really do not want anymore ties to her.
I have tried to get close to her in the past as I lost my own dm 11 years ago, I even asked her to be my birthing partner along with dp, which she refused. She has never seemed to warm to me and has always done spiteful things, very subtle though. I can't forgive her after this and I'm totally done with trying! She is a nasty piece of work, she has no friends either but dp's sister put her on a pedestal so I'm waiting for her to chirp in now.

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 27/10/2016 14:36

Well at least the truth is out and she has been shamed.
Of course she is now defending herself and attacking you cos you are the wedge between her and her ds in her eyes. The fact that her own son doesnt even trust her is neither here nor there in her eyes. Thankfully your dh is well aware of her personality and is supporting you.

When you dp gets home tell him to ask his dad for the ring, if his mum has it ask her for the ring back right now or he will get the police as its theft. (He doesnt have to carry it out but the threat may just give her the wake up call to realise she isnt going to get away with bullying both of you now or in the future.) Her ott hysterics and manipulation call for you both to present a solid front so she is under no illusions that her plan didnt work or future plans will work.

What a sad bitch. I would be going NC with someone who would stoop so low, who knows what she will say to your dc from now on to try to make herself look like the injured party and you and dp are nasty to her. Not what your kids need.